Hot flashes inspire Carolita Johnson to reclaim a garment from childhood—and contemplate how she’s beginning to feel released from the pressures of performing femininity and sexuality.
May 22, 2023·edited May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
Thank you for this piece. I am 61, I love my husband, but have had no interest in sex for at least 4 years. “What’s wrong with me?” I agonize. It’s such a taboo subject too, NOBODY, talks about it, so I feel like I’m the only one.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
This essay resonates with me so much. Menopause pretty much killed whatever libido I had. But the focus on wanting and needing sex in our society made wonder if I was “broken”. As I’ve come to realize, I’m not and I’ve learned that pretty much everything human (and probably non-human as well) exists on a spectrum.
I now seek out the cold and am a bit sad that I shunned the cold when I was younger. I’m considering moving to Iceland. 😊
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
Wow. I certainly saw myself here. I worried that my lack of interest in sex had to do with my anger and frustration in my relationship with my husband. When he became very ill, I realized that our relationship was based on feelings of care and friendship and, companionship and that these feelings are more important than our physical desire for each other. I'm comfortable with this.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
Oh this is just so wonderful in every way. I still remember the exact perimenopausal moment when, at a party, I felt the overwhelming need to tear off my wool turtleneck. I am more than a decade past menopause, but I have not worn a turtleneck since.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
waking up to all this makes me feel so proud of all of us, how lucky all of us are to have this, this way of connecting through writing, and our honesty, courage, desire--this is where your desire lurks maybe these shared days. amazing to read this post and all the responses it generates. so exciting and calming simultaneously. sound familiar?! more later on content. for now just spirit and joy/
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
Thank you for your well written honesty. Wonderful piece. So many women feel this but also cannot have sex due to having an abrupt, forced menopause which makes the vaginal walls thin. Sex is painful in this instance. Laser or hyurlonic acid suppositories may work but if they don't, the shop is closed.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
So much truth here! Thank you so much for writing this. In these seemingly hyper-sexualized times it is a relief to hear someone say that it is okay not to care about this stuff anymore. A very freeing revelation.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
OMG, when I read this I felt such relief! Such camaraderie! Those warm flashes with that accompanying feeling of alarm. You mean I'm not really terrified and anxious? (I'm not, my body only makes me feel that way.) This:
"And now, I get waves of discomfort, which I assume are what would be called hot flashes if they were accompanied by that familiar heat, but they’re not. They’re just a feeling of alarm; they begin with a feeling of dread and alarm similar to the feeling before a hot flash, but then there’s no heat."
I can rejoice while lying in bed restless and sleepless at night, knowing for sure I am not alone and not crazy.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
Thank you for this masterpiece! I reached official menopause last fall and my husband passed away in March. I can relate to wondering if things would’ve been different if I had been less grumpy and more energetic in the last few years of his life, but I also remember even more times that we just sat and laughed and enjoyed being together. I guess it’s normal to have thoughts like that. I’m glad that I was able to use my perimenopause permawarm to warm up the bed for him before I retreated to my cool blanket-less (and snore-free) bed in the other room, and I’m glad we were both understanding of each other’s sleeping quirks.
I didn’t really get hot flashes, but I’ve just been so warm all the time. No extra anxiety, just warm. My uniform was a tank top and light cardigan. It had gone away as I approached menopause but has come back after he died
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
Yes, aging takes a big toll on men as it does on women. Very few men talk about it. There are those nutty commercials for testosterone - take it to make “her” happy. They don’t mention that she is no longer interested and is happier with a back-rub.
I have been taking Tamoxifen for almost five years because of my dance with breast cancer — yes men get it too. I would’t take Lupron because it has so many strong side-effects. Tamoxifen not only makes sex more difficult, it flattens out a lot of emotions. No one told me that. My doctors only nodded when I asked about it.
I am sorry you lost your husband, but I identify more with him; sad and frightening.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
This was great, in so many surprisingly delightful ways. Although I have yet to experience menopause, I found myself giggling with relief reading thoughts I’ve had about what it means to be a woman, desirability, invisibility, and the value systems that inform these social concepts. I’ve also been having a similar full-circle moment with tucking in shirts - something I obstinately protested as a child, as it was uncomfortable and decidedly UNcool - I’ve (recently) come around on shirt-tucking, as living has since taught me the importance of keeping warm and the different ways people show love. Thank you for being an unapologetic example of how to live as yourself, free, notwithstanding all the other “stuff” that gets put upon us.
May 22, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Carolita Johnson
This was great! So many quotable moments. Seems particularly timely on the heels of the Martha Stewart SI cover. And now I want a pack of undershirts to keep by my bed.
Thank you for this piece. I am 61, I love my husband, but have had no interest in sex for at least 4 years. “What’s wrong with me?” I agonize. It’s such a taboo subject too, NOBODY, talks about it, so I feel like I’m the only one.
This essay resonates with me so much. Menopause pretty much killed whatever libido I had. But the focus on wanting and needing sex in our society made wonder if I was “broken”. As I’ve come to realize, I’m not and I’ve learned that pretty much everything human (and probably non-human as well) exists on a spectrum.
I now seek out the cold and am a bit sad that I shunned the cold when I was younger. I’m considering moving to Iceland. 😊
Wow. I certainly saw myself here. I worried that my lack of interest in sex had to do with my anger and frustration in my relationship with my husband. When he became very ill, I realized that our relationship was based on feelings of care and friendship and, companionship and that these feelings are more important than our physical desire for each other. I'm comfortable with this.
Brilliant, hilarious, inspiring! I love where you arrive at the end, discovering the pleasures of invisibility. Thanks for your voice.
Oh this is just so wonderful in every way. I still remember the exact perimenopausal moment when, at a party, I felt the overwhelming need to tear off my wool turtleneck. I am more than a decade past menopause, but I have not worn a turtleneck since.
waking up to all this makes me feel so proud of all of us, how lucky all of us are to have this, this way of connecting through writing, and our honesty, courage, desire--this is where your desire lurks maybe these shared days. amazing to read this post and all the responses it generates. so exciting and calming simultaneously. sound familiar?! more later on content. for now just spirit and joy/
Thank you for your well written honesty. Wonderful piece. So many women feel this but also cannot have sex due to having an abrupt, forced menopause which makes the vaginal walls thin. Sex is painful in this instance. Laser or hyurlonic acid suppositories may work but if they don't, the shop is closed.
So much truth here! Thank you so much for writing this. In these seemingly hyper-sexualized times it is a relief to hear someone say that it is okay not to care about this stuff anymore. A very freeing revelation.
OMG, when I read this I felt such relief! Such camaraderie! Those warm flashes with that accompanying feeling of alarm. You mean I'm not really terrified and anxious? (I'm not, my body only makes me feel that way.) This:
"And now, I get waves of discomfort, which I assume are what would be called hot flashes if they were accompanied by that familiar heat, but they’re not. They’re just a feeling of alarm; they begin with a feeling of dread and alarm similar to the feeling before a hot flash, but then there’s no heat."
I can rejoice while lying in bed restless and sleepless at night, knowing for sure I am not alone and not crazy.
Thank you for this masterpiece! I reached official menopause last fall and my husband passed away in March. I can relate to wondering if things would’ve been different if I had been less grumpy and more energetic in the last few years of his life, but I also remember even more times that we just sat and laughed and enjoyed being together. I guess it’s normal to have thoughts like that. I’m glad that I was able to use my perimenopause permawarm to warm up the bed for him before I retreated to my cool blanket-less (and snore-free) bed in the other room, and I’m glad we were both understanding of each other’s sleeping quirks.
I didn’t really get hot flashes, but I’ve just been so warm all the time. No extra anxiety, just warm. My uniform was a tank top and light cardigan. It had gone away as I approached menopause but has come back after he died
This is GOLD!
Yes, aging takes a big toll on men as it does on women. Very few men talk about it. There are those nutty commercials for testosterone - take it to make “her” happy. They don’t mention that she is no longer interested and is happier with a back-rub.
I have been taking Tamoxifen for almost five years because of my dance with breast cancer — yes men get it too. I would’t take Lupron because it has so many strong side-effects. Tamoxifen not only makes sex more difficult, it flattens out a lot of emotions. No one told me that. My doctors only nodded when I asked about it.
I am sorry you lost your husband, but I identify more with him; sad and frightening.
This was great, in so many surprisingly delightful ways. Although I have yet to experience menopause, I found myself giggling with relief reading thoughts I’ve had about what it means to be a woman, desirability, invisibility, and the value systems that inform these social concepts. I’ve also been having a similar full-circle moment with tucking in shirts - something I obstinately protested as a child, as it was uncomfortable and decidedly UNcool - I’ve (recently) come around on shirt-tucking, as living has since taught me the importance of keeping warm and the different ways people show love. Thank you for being an unapologetic example of how to live as yourself, free, notwithstanding all the other “stuff” that gets put upon us.
This was great! So many quotable moments. Seems particularly timely on the heels of the Martha Stewart SI cover. And now I want a pack of undershirts to keep by my bed.
Powerful voice. And a cartoonist to boot.
Brilliant and beautiful. Thank you for this!