101 Comments

Thank you for this piece. I am 61, I love my husband, but have had no interest in sex for at least 4 years. “What’s wrong with me?” I agonize. It’s such a taboo subject too, NOBODY, talks about it, so I feel like I’m the only one.

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Thanks for being honest about it here!

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This was so refreshing and well written and funny. The self-acceptance you model here is delicious and inspiring.

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Thank you, Blair!

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Same age here (and still with “warm flashes”) and my husband (57) and I are both libido-less. We met in mid-life and sex was an awesome part of our relationship. I miss it fiercely, yet I don’t want it. Thanks to this essay, for the first time I’m considering whether this new state of affairs is perhaps one thing about my body that is NOT broken. And we do enjoy cuddles and showers. Now, if he’d just quit calling me sexy all the time, I could truly forget about it!

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Wow. I certainly saw myself here. I worried that my lack of interest in sex had to do with my anger and frustration in my relationship with my husband. When he became very ill, I realized that our relationship was based on feelings of care and friendship and, companionship and that these feelings are more important than our physical desire for each other. I'm comfortable with this.

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Also, as I told my husband, when he was distressed by the lack of sex while I was caregiving for him, things can always change. Relationships evolve. Feelings evolve. Sex lives sometimes wane and wax and wane and wax again.

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This essay resonates with me so much. Menopause pretty much killed whatever libido I had. But the focus on wanting and needing sex in our society made wonder if I was “broken”. As I’ve come to realize, I’m not and I’ve learned that pretty much everything human (and probably non-human as well) exists on a spectrum.

I now seek out the cold and am a bit sad that I shunned the cold when I was younger. I’m considering moving to Iceland. 😊

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My dream is to chase autumn/winter around the globe someday!

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Brilliant, hilarious, inspiring! I love where you arrive at the end, discovering the pleasures of invisibility. Thanks for your voice.

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Oh this is just so wonderful in every way. I still remember the exact perimenopausal moment when, at a party, I felt the overwhelming need to tear off my wool turtleneck. I am more than a decade past menopause, but I have not worn a turtleneck since.

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So much truth here! Thank you so much for writing this. In these seemingly hyper-sexualized times it is a relief to hear someone say that it is okay not to care about this stuff anymore. A very freeing revelation.

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Thank you for your well written honesty. Wonderful piece. So many women feel this but also cannot have sex due to having an abrupt, forced menopause which makes the vaginal walls thin. Sex is painful in this instance. Laser or hyurlonic acid suppositories may work but if they don't, the shop is closed.

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I agree. This is true. There are many reasons and many realities, all equally compelling and relevant.

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waking up to all this makes me feel so proud of all of us, how lucky all of us are to have this, this way of connecting through writing, and our honesty, courage, desire--this is where your desire lurks maybe these shared days. amazing to read this post and all the responses it generates. so exciting and calming simultaneously. sound familiar?! more later on content. for now just spirit and joy/

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OMG, when I read this I felt such relief! Such camaraderie! Those warm flashes with that accompanying feeling of alarm. You mean I'm not really terrified and anxious? (I'm not, my body only makes me feel that way.) This:

"And now, I get waves of discomfort, which I assume are what would be called hot flashes if they were accompanied by that familiar heat, but they’re not. They’re just a feeling of alarm; they begin with a feeling of dread and alarm similar to the feeling before a hot flash, but then there’s no heat."

I can rejoice while lying in bed restless and sleepless at night, knowing for sure I am not alone and not crazy.

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Thank you for this masterpiece! I reached official menopause last fall and my husband passed away in March. I can relate to wondering if things would’ve been different if I had been less grumpy and more energetic in the last few years of his life, but I also remember even more times that we just sat and laughed and enjoyed being together. I guess it’s normal to have thoughts like that. I’m glad that I was able to use my perimenopause permawarm to warm up the bed for him before I retreated to my cool blanket-less (and snore-free) bed in the other room, and I’m glad we were both understanding of each other’s sleeping quirks.

I didn’t really get hot flashes, but I’ve just been so warm all the time. No extra anxiety, just warm. My uniform was a tank top and light cardigan. It had gone away as I approached menopause but has come back after he died

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I'm sorry for your loss.

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This is GOLD!

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This was a wonderful read. Thanks. I enjoyed reading the comments, too. Most of them were by women. I don't have any interest in sex (at least with another person) anymore, either.

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Glad to get your perspective here, too, Richard! And glad you enjoyed Carolita's essay. She's amazing.

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I really enjoyed reading this. I am 46 and it is insightful and enlightening to me to read pieces from women who have journeyed longer than me. If you have any recommendations of podcasts, I would love to know what you listen to. Thank you so much.

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thank you! I rarely listen to podcasts, but I think Sari recommends them regularly on Oldster!

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Yes, aging takes a big toll on men as it does on women. Very few men talk about it. There are those nutty commercials for testosterone - take it to make “her” happy. They don’t mention that she is no longer interested and is happier with a back-rub.

I have been taking Tamoxifen for almost five years because of my dance with breast cancer — yes men get it too. I would’t take Lupron because it has so many strong side-effects. Tamoxifen not only makes sex more difficult, it flattens out a lot of emotions. No one told me that. My doctors only nodded when I asked about it.

I am sorry you lost your husband, but I identify more with him; sad and frightening.

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It was terrible for him, and I'm glad for you that you're not on Lupron. It seems like such a medievally brutal treatment. It also seemed as if immediately after his death, all sorts of better treatments began being hawked! You just reminded me of a line from a novel, I think it was The Friends of Eddie Coyle, where Eddie (I think) tells his friend that his wife threatened him with divorce if he got it into his head to start taking Viagra, because she'd already had enough. My husband and I both found that hilarious.

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Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through that with breast cancer. Not enough is written about men's experience with it.

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This is very true. It is a human disease.

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Oh this writing really speaks to me. I feel very much like this!!! So sick of having to act with partner in mind all the time and having to justify my menopause.

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Yes, I know the feeling! I'm glad to help! :)

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This was great, in so many surprisingly delightful ways. Although I have yet to experience menopause, I found myself giggling with relief reading thoughts I’ve had about what it means to be a woman, desirability, invisibility, and the value systems that inform these social concepts. I’ve also been having a similar full-circle moment with tucking in shirts - something I obstinately protested as a child, as it was uncomfortable and decidedly UNcool - I’ve (recently) come around on shirt-tucking, as living has since taught me the importance of keeping warm and the different ways people show love. Thank you for being an unapologetic example of how to live as yourself, free, notwithstanding all the other “stuff” that gets put upon us.

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