I was supposed to be doing something else but this essay caught me and I fell into it. Now I can't remember what that other thing was. So powerful, so piercing, so beautifully composed.
OMG I love this so much. I love Nathan too. I'd like to be his Aunty. He can stay with me sometimes. I'm heading out right now to get some dinosaurs. And popcorn. Let me know what his sister likes. She can come too.
I read this through twice, first devouring it, second time taking each sentence in deeply. What superb storytelling.
Decades ago someone left a cartoon on my desk. I think it was a New Yorker cartoon. A woman dressed in professional attire of the day (think John T Molloy Dress for Success) smacking her head and exclaiming, "I forgot to have kids!" I did not quite forget, as of course you never did Starina. My first husband did not want kids and i had professional ambitions so shrugged at that. Betwen marriages my biological clock was ticking but after checking with several friends who had been raised by single moms I decided not to make it happen without a father in the picture. Second husband was just in time, but would not have made a good father and we didnʻt make a baby. It was a good decision.
I have parented and now grand-parent in other ways. But I have never as clearly been able to express as you did in this essay, how the love between a child and a present, caring adult is "real" to both of us. Thank you from my heart.
Oh lordy, that egg freezing party gave me the chillls, and not because it was set in an ice-bar! How unbelievably crass. As a sister childless-not-by-choice person, I feel the ache of your confusion about how life turned out this way, and I send you a ton of love. Beautifully, authentically written - thank you xxx
I completely understand the feeling here as a 66.5 year old never-mother. I have a lovely niece, who is now 30, who was a kind of substitute child, though I have always lived far from her and visited only a few times a year. I did teach pre-school as well, and I know how easy it is to fall in love with certain children (mine were always the ones that seemed somewhat neglected). I did find a consistent partner when I was in my 40s and married him, but having children just was not in the picture. I'm not sorry I did not have them (I taught college students), and I realize what I have is more baby-love than being a mother. But sometimes, especially at holidays when my husband and I do not travel to my family, it does seem as if that "family" is missing, even though I know that there are many families out there that are fractured and do not experience the Hallmark card type of kinship. Families of any size and any composition are hard work, and parenting is the hardest work of all and I know in my heart that I have never wanted it, having had a chlldhood that was difficult in a dysfunctional family. This was the first year I was actually content with being with my husband alone for Christmas--I don't know what changed and if it will remain that way. At any rate, there's a reason--certainly several--that kept me childless. I have faith that the universe (and to some degree) my life has unfolded as it should have.
Just lovely!! Brava, Starina! I will def buy your memoir when it’s out. And, Sari, I just realized this morning that I’m going to your newsletter first in the early morning hours, before the NYT. That says something about Oldster. Brava, you!
Now, THAT’S a memoir I’ll read!
You're in luck! She's writing one...
I was supposed to be doing something else but this essay caught me and I fell into it. Now I can't remember what that other thing was. So powerful, so piercing, so beautifully composed.
OMG I love this so much. I love Nathan too. I'd like to be his Aunty. He can stay with me sometimes. I'm heading out right now to get some dinosaurs. And popcorn. Let me know what his sister likes. She can come too.
Hahaha ♥️
I have 70,000 million feels from this
I read this through twice, first devouring it, second time taking each sentence in deeply. What superb storytelling.
Decades ago someone left a cartoon on my desk. I think it was a New Yorker cartoon. A woman dressed in professional attire of the day (think John T Molloy Dress for Success) smacking her head and exclaiming, "I forgot to have kids!" I did not quite forget, as of course you never did Starina. My first husband did not want kids and i had professional ambitions so shrugged at that. Betwen marriages my biological clock was ticking but after checking with several friends who had been raised by single moms I decided not to make it happen without a father in the picture. Second husband was just in time, but would not have made a good father and we didnʻt make a baby. It was a good decision.
I have parented and now grand-parent in other ways. But I have never as clearly been able to express as you did in this essay, how the love between a child and a present, caring adult is "real" to both of us. Thank you from my heart.
Thank you for sharing your story. xo
Oh lordy, that egg freezing party gave me the chillls, and not because it was set in an ice-bar! How unbelievably crass. As a sister childless-not-by-choice person, I feel the ache of your confusion about how life turned out this way, and I send you a ton of love. Beautifully, authentically written - thank you xxx
gobsmackingly good, this essay. it took my breath away.
I completely understand the feeling here as a 66.5 year old never-mother. I have a lovely niece, who is now 30, who was a kind of substitute child, though I have always lived far from her and visited only a few times a year. I did teach pre-school as well, and I know how easy it is to fall in love with certain children (mine were always the ones that seemed somewhat neglected). I did find a consistent partner when I was in my 40s and married him, but having children just was not in the picture. I'm not sorry I did not have them (I taught college students), and I realize what I have is more baby-love than being a mother. But sometimes, especially at holidays when my husband and I do not travel to my family, it does seem as if that "family" is missing, even though I know that there are many families out there that are fractured and do not experience the Hallmark card type of kinship. Families of any size and any composition are hard work, and parenting is the hardest work of all and I know in my heart that I have never wanted it, having had a chlldhood that was difficult in a dysfunctional family. This was the first year I was actually content with being with my husband alone for Christmas--I don't know what changed and if it will remain that way. At any rate, there's a reason--certainly several--that kept me childless. I have faith that the universe (and to some degree) my life has unfolded as it should have.
Just lovely!! Brava, Starina! I will def buy your memoir when it’s out. And, Sari, I just realized this morning that I’m going to your newsletter first in the early morning hours, before the NYT. That says something about Oldster. Brava, you!
Wow! That’s music to my ears, Phyllis! Thank you for your support and for the kind words.
Starina, this is really well written! Thanks for sharing this. Sari, great connection/find.
<3
Agreed!
Oh my heart. Every word has so much meaning and emotion. Love, love, love
Beautifully poignant and a stark reminder to value the present. Beyond well written essay. I’d read your memoir in a heartbeat.
Wonderful piece, thank you.
Touched my soul, moved me to tears.
So moving!
The journey between "It's imagination" and "It's real" left me a f*cking mess.
Strikingly well-written.