Menopause, hormone treatment, and sobriety put Melissa Chadburn in touch with her righteous rage—and helped her identify with a mythic creature from her Filipino heritage.
“ The work of care for our beloveds—what seems to me the most vital and yet least valued work in our country, but also some of the most draining, for which there is no remuneration,” is what i was thinking about yesterday as I wondered what my cv looks like right now, with caregiving limiting everything I’ve been able to do since 2016 now. Like, I’m supposed to accept looking like a “loser” who hasn’t been doing much? Is that who ppl think is taking care of their family members? Losers? Seriously? And should I get a job whose sole purpose would effectively be to pay someone else to do it? The badassery in caregiving resides in its utter invisibility and thanklessness, but how to express that on a CV if you’re not a pro and rather a writer or artist or anything other than a nurse?
Oct 23, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Melissa Chadburn
Powerful. "I no longer wanted to fuck, I wanted to fuck shit up." I love that freedom that comes with menopause, no longer being driven by my libido, able to think with my head and feel my feelings and being old enough to not care what people think, to be sick of shutting up to fit in. My voice has always been loud. It's louder now.
Many years ago I saw a documentary about a person in transition from female (at birth) to male and during the transition they talked about the testosterone and its impact. Suddenly they understood why men raged, their desire for pornography, who everything was turned up to 11. I think we each get a bit of that during menopause and afterwards.
Rage is important. Recognizing it’s power as a menopausal woman is enlightening AND empowering. Also I love that at a table full of men you were the one to try and find something to help one of them. Bet they all just sat there on their stupid ass men asses and watched. One more good reason for female rage!
Oct 23, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Melissa Chadburn
Oh can I relate to your story of rage, suppressed and then released through sobriety! And every time that rage is released I am supposed to look at myself and see what is wrong with me!! Trauma, in huge capital letters, TRAUMA! rears its ugly head and there is no escape any more.
Menopause came for me when I was young, after the suicide death of a dear friend and the subsequent death of my best friend, my husband. All that trauma caused menopause to slam me into a complete stop of all my womanly feelings and all that was left was rage, vodka and pot!! Almost 20 years later , I am finally sober and clean and dealing with the trauma left in me from so many of my life's experiences.Thank you for your story, thank you.
Me too. You wrote my rage into a beautiful essay. This will stay with me awhile. I hope the rage mountain subsides for you, but the power remains. Thank you; I needed this.
“testosterone is good for if you want to fight, or if you want to fuck, and I have no idea when I’ll want to do either, so I carry it around with me.” OMG, so much this quote! Thank you on behalf of perimenopausal women for sharing this part of the transitional life phase. It's very real and until recently had no voice. Because of this, women went through "The Change" The thing we do not speak of, in silence. Women's Cycle Awareness is key in navigating and understanding the phases of a woman. https://womenscycleawareness.substack.com/p/what-are-you-talking-about
Oct 23, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Melissa Chadburn
Melissa, you've written a fire I want to warm my mind on. I love the no-bullshit rage in this, the no-bullshit humor, the no-bullshit embrace of Aswang. I had one testosterone surge during menopause that had me wanting (for no apparent reason) to smash the store window of a tanning place while also wanting to fuck the curvy, satiny tanning bed inside the window. I was giddy with energy and having a blast being utterly obnoxious. I wanted more of it, whatever it was, but it never returned. Thanks for bringing it back with your words!
Oct 23, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Melissa Chadburn
Wow! I will read this again and again. So much here that is relatable: hot flashes! Caregiving! Rage! I loved your novel and am so glad for the chance to read more of your words. Thank you for this!
Thanks so much! Just got home from NYC and loving the glorious quiet of my woodsy town.
“ The work of care for our beloveds—what seems to me the most vital and yet least valued work in our country, but also some of the most draining, for which there is no remuneration,” is what i was thinking about yesterday as I wondered what my cv looks like right now, with caregiving limiting everything I’ve been able to do since 2016 now. Like, I’m supposed to accept looking like a “loser” who hasn’t been doing much? Is that who ppl think is taking care of their family members? Losers? Seriously? And should I get a job whose sole purpose would effectively be to pay someone else to do it? The badassery in caregiving resides in its utter invisibility and thanklessness, but how to express that on a CV if you’re not a pro and rather a writer or artist or anything other than a nurse?
I knew you would relate to his Carolita.
Powerful. "I no longer wanted to fuck, I wanted to fuck shit up." I love that freedom that comes with menopause, no longer being driven by my libido, able to think with my head and feel my feelings and being old enough to not care what people think, to be sick of shutting up to fit in. My voice has always been loud. It's louder now.
Many years ago I saw a documentary about a person in transition from female (at birth) to male and during the transition they talked about the testosterone and its impact. Suddenly they understood why men raged, their desire for pornography, who everything was turned up to 11. I think we each get a bit of that during menopause and afterwards.
Rage is important. Recognizing it’s power as a menopausal woman is enlightening AND empowering. Also I love that at a table full of men you were the one to try and find something to help one of them. Bet they all just sat there on their stupid ass men asses and watched. One more good reason for female rage!
Oh can I relate to your story of rage, suppressed and then released through sobriety! And every time that rage is released I am supposed to look at myself and see what is wrong with me!! Trauma, in huge capital letters, TRAUMA! rears its ugly head and there is no escape any more.
Menopause came for me when I was young, after the suicide death of a dear friend and the subsequent death of my best friend, my husband. All that trauma caused menopause to slam me into a complete stop of all my womanly feelings and all that was left was rage, vodka and pot!! Almost 20 years later , I am finally sober and clean and dealing with the trauma left in me from so many of my life's experiences.Thank you for your story, thank you.
Wow! Loved this. So relatable. Thank you for naming and normalizing the rage.
A glorious song to righteous rage. Brava, Melissa. May your wait lines move quickly today. May your hold times be short.
Me too. You wrote my rage into a beautiful essay. This will stay with me awhile. I hope the rage mountain subsides for you, but the power remains. Thank you; I needed this.
“testosterone is good for if you want to fight, or if you want to fuck, and I have no idea when I’ll want to do either, so I carry it around with me.” OMG, so much this quote! Thank you on behalf of perimenopausal women for sharing this part of the transitional life phase. It's very real and until recently had no voice. Because of this, women went through "The Change" The thing we do not speak of, in silence. Women's Cycle Awareness is key in navigating and understanding the phases of a woman. https://womenscycleawareness.substack.com/p/what-are-you-talking-about
Thank you so much!
Melissa, you've written a fire I want to warm my mind on. I love the no-bullshit rage in this, the no-bullshit humor, the no-bullshit embrace of Aswang. I had one testosterone surge during menopause that had me wanting (for no apparent reason) to smash the store window of a tanning place while also wanting to fuck the curvy, satiny tanning bed inside the window. I was giddy with energy and having a blast being utterly obnoxious. I wanted more of it, whatever it was, but it never returned. Thanks for bringing it back with your words!
Terrifically powerful and honest piece. Thank you.
thank you!
Thanks so much... taking all game changers...
Thanks so much friend...
Brilliant, Melissa. I am physically incapable of flattery when it comes to writing so take it to the bank.
Wow! I will read this again and again. So much here that is relatable: hot flashes! Caregiving! Rage! I loved your novel and am so glad for the chance to read more of your words. Thank you for this!
Powerful. I felt every word.