Stories like this always remind me of Marilyn Whirlwind's story in Northern Exposure --
"My uncle once told me about a warrior who had a fine stallion. Everybody said how lucky he was to have such a horse. “Maybe,” he said. One day the stallion ran off. The people said the warrior was unlucky. “Maybe,” he said. Next day, the stallion returned, leading a string of fine ponies. The people said it was very lucky. “Maybe,” the warrior said. Later, the warrior’s son was thrown from one of the ponies and broke his leg. The people said it was unlucky. “Maybe,” the warrior said. The next week, the chief led a war party against another tribe. Many young men were killed. But, because of his broken leg, the warrior’s son was left behind, and so was spared."
Which is why "maybe" is always my answer to whether things would have been better on the road not taken.
Oh! Is there any chance that you would retell it here? The maybe story has been so formative in my life and I'm a mythologist. I didn't realize there were other versions of it and I would love to hear it.
Yes! It's from Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth. It's actually "The Farmer's Luck."
There was once an older farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day, his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it two other wild horses. "Such good luck!" the neighbors exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the farmer. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown off, and broke his leg. Again, the neighbors came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Such bad luck," they said. "Maybe," answered the farmer. The day after that, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army to fight in a war. Seeing the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. "Such good luck!" cried the neighbors. "Maybe," said the farmer.
In Zen Shorts, on the next page, the character Michael says, "I get it. Maybe good luck and back luck are all mixed up. You never know what will happen next." That is the part we refer to in our family - that things are typically all mixed up and neither good nor bad. Hope that helps!
Thank you for this! As influential as this story has been in my life, I'm surprised that I hadn't looked to see if it had other iterations. Now I know it does.
I've always felt that the moral was that we don't know at the time something is happening whether it's a positive or a negative in our lives and that only hindsight (and the fundamental interconnectedness of all things) reveals the answer to that question. and maybe not even that.
Yes! I am a devotee of Richard Rohr’s nondualism perspective and try really hard to go beyond “good” and “bad” luck, although I frequently fail as I’m also a product of American culture.
If you’re inclined to extend your thoughts (and it’s obvously fine if you’re not — I know I’m imposing here, so feel free to ignore me!), I’d love to hear more about the link you’re making to American culture with regard to good/bad luck.
It’s a fall-ish morning, I’m 74 and have recently upended my life for the better, so much better, and yet I’m sitting in this butt-ugly robe with a cold cup of coffee at the kitchen table, crying for no reason! And then I see Ann Hood’s name, think of a funny Ann Hood story, read her piece, think of all the streams in my own life (why didn’t I buy waterfront property when it was affordable, etc) but mostly switched over to grateful, (thank god I didn’t marry that person, etc). Etc. Got the energy back to get out of this awful robe and get going. Thanks!
Nina; I think changes of seasons, particularly if they are fast and very abrupt, trigger us on an unconscious level to account for and grieve losses before we move on. Like a capstone?
I read a dumpster’s worth of domestic and international news most days but today it just completely got to me! Suddenly the leaves are falling! Argh!!!! Obviously there’s something else going on.
I’ll take your fine example and get on the Gratitude bus. Thanks.
Darling, may I make a suggestion? When I did color analysis for people (sure started out a total skeptic too) I always encouraged them to find their most flattering color and treat themselves to a nice robe in that color. I for one need all the boost I can get first thing in the morning…🤤
If you are game, open your hand and squeeze the base of your thumb. That is what your unique blood looks like under your unique skin, as in ‘flushed’ with um… joy. I saw such a wild range of colors, from deep purples to light peach. Aren’t we gorgeous animals!?!? With the internet, this is so much more doable now.
As my coloring fades @ 70, and any make up needs to totally tone down as well, these benchmarks of our current tonalities are very handy! (👋Heehee)
I would send clients to fabric stores so they could practice seeing what different colors did to their hands skin tones without getting distracted by their eye colors, or any style details, just color.
There aren’t that many fabric stores any more and algorithms have whittled color choices way down to the best sellers for the majority of humans, those with cool and clear tones.
While we’re at it…
Anybody buying foundation needs to go outside (commercial lighting is bizarre) or next to a north widow to actually see if it matches when spread on the jawline. Not the hands! Different skin: different damage. If people wear blush, the thumb thing is the basic natural color to have before getting into fashionable trends.
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your child. Heartbreaking. And I think it was Kathryn Hepburn who said “if you don’t have regrets, you haven’t lived.” Regrets I have plenty of, acceptance and forgiveness have brought me to a place of relative peace. Thank you Ann.
I’m so sorry for your loss of your daughter and I was very moved to read that you later had a daughter, adopted from China. Raising two children alone, for any length of time, had to be challenging.
I love that you married again, later in life and that— violá! — it was to a man who’d once been a college student under your tutelage!
Thank you for reminding all of us that— for the most part— we’re where we are, exactly because of choices, circumstances, and imperfect as it may be— glorious life! ❤️😘
(Writing this as a woman who after three engagements I ran from, decided at age 49 to marry a much younger man. (“I was a first-time bride at 49” — it sounds like a 🙄🤣spoof doesn’t it?!)
He and I are vacationing, curled up in bed at this moment, listening to the waves crash outside a rented condo here in north Florida. His mom is across the hall, and we are caregivers to this elderly woman who survived the Korean War in her hometown of Seoul and has often inspired my poetry. I have landed in such a different place than I imagined as a little girl. And as another smart human being noted, “that has made all the difference.”
Could someone please please please explain the stacked bars’ symbol’s meaning to me? I’ve looked everywhere, even urban dictionary. The closest thing on an iPhone is a lever. 🎚
Thank you for this. Like others have commented, I really needed to read this today. I turned 50 a few months before the pandemic hit, and on the eve of that birthday I wrote a list of things I wanted to accomplish in my fifties, as I felt like my forties was a period of personal and creative stagnation. Well, most of those things haven't happened yet, even as I've thrown my all into accomplishing the thing that was/is the top priority on my list. As I approach my 55th birthday in December, I'm trying to recalibrate, but it's been difficult. A sense of discouragement runs just under the surface of daily life & most days I wake up feeling a sense of dread; over the summer, I ruminated too often about paths not chosen, and obsessed over the idea that if I'd made different choices in my twenties or early thirties, I would have had a better chance at acheiving at least some of my dreams. Even so, I remind myself of the good things I have in my life, which keeps me putting one foot ahead of the other.
What a terrible time to turn 50 and want to accomplish a list full of things, only to have the world hit pause. Hopefully 55 will be a restart for you.
Kristen, I'm a year younger than you - I'll be 54 in December! And I could have written your comment. Honestly, it gave me hope and, interestingly enough, even a bit of comfort. Thank you. 🤍
And thank you, Ann Hood, for such a poignant and beautiful essay. 🤍
Thanks to Ann who wrote such a beautiful piece and have inspired such thoughtful responses like yours Kristen. ❤️ I'm feeling the same as I turn 55 this December too. I've been living in regrets-ville and struggling how I want to be as I walk the path to 60!😬I chose a corporate life for stability + major stress instead of a creative life. Am I stuck forever?? Perhaps like you said it's one step at a time and I can also incorporate a creative life. Thanks for sharing. . ❤️❤️
Thank you for this. Not sure of the answers, but I recognize the questions. Also, lighting a candle for you and Grace, and Sam, and everyone you’ve loved. 🤍
Beautiful. Just beautiful. I decided at an early age that regret was a really useless and even destructive emotion and I wasn't going to have it. (Good thing, because I've made a lot of stupid moves in my life too LOL.) But like you, I don't really regret them. I'm well aware that each of those stupid moves has brought about good things also, things for which I am grateful. And it has been really interesting to see where it has all led. Thanks so much for this thoughtful and wise perspective. I bet it will help lots of people.
Wow, Ann, your contribution here is so deeply poignant and rich in emotional depth! I admire your courageous examination of the things that befell you which you attribute to your choices. Now and then I've heard people asked if they would ever change anything in their lives and they declare they "wouldn't change a thing!" Ha, I cant imagine being able to say that. Probably most of of us have regrets. You are so brave to blame yourself for some of these dreadful occurrences but then you relent and allow yourself your deserved human frailty that we all need. So well written and very moving.
I enjoyed this so much, and as I often do when I enjoy something I've read, want to share it with my husband. It makes me think of a story he has told our friends, that many years ago, I had heard of a new company which would make purchasing books on line available. I was very interested in being able to peruse so many titles whenever I wanted and they'd come right to our door very soon. Books for leisure, for research, for my job, for my children. We had only recently begun investing for our retirement and I thought, why not this new company? Well, he didn't buy stock in Amazon because he believed it to be too risky. Think about that. But I look around the dining room of the 1887 Victorian I'm sitting in, with clear September light streaming through the large window with the pretty leaded glass sitting above it. I know purchasing Amazon stock would've changed our lives, but I will never know if that would've been for the better. I have enough. There are no regrets!
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful reflection. I have been exploring old photos and letters and writing lots of morning pages and typing up a few personal essay drafts. It’s time to move beyond that! I appreciate how you make sense of where you are now.
Ann, your writing has been a part of my writing life from the start (I teach your work, you've blurbed one of my books) and, as always, your work has landed today exactly where I needed it to be. xo
Stories like this always remind me of Marilyn Whirlwind's story in Northern Exposure --
"My uncle once told me about a warrior who had a fine stallion. Everybody said how lucky he was to have such a horse. “Maybe,” he said. One day the stallion ran off. The people said the warrior was unlucky. “Maybe,” he said. Next day, the stallion returned, leading a string of fine ponies. The people said it was very lucky. “Maybe,” the warrior said. Later, the warrior’s son was thrown from one of the ponies and broke his leg. The people said it was unlucky. “Maybe,” the warrior said. The next week, the chief led a war party against another tribe. Many young men were killed. But, because of his broken leg, the warrior’s son was left behind, and so was spared."
Which is why "maybe" is always my answer to whether things would have been better on the road not taken.
I love this. Thank you.
Our family knows this story as The Farmer’s Tale and it’s quite useful for raising teenagers!
Oh! Is there any chance that you would retell it here? The maybe story has been so formative in my life and I'm a mythologist. I didn't realize there were other versions of it and I would love to hear it.
Yes! It's from Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth. It's actually "The Farmer's Luck."
There was once an older farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day, his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it two other wild horses. "Such good luck!" the neighbors exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the farmer. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown off, and broke his leg. Again, the neighbors came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Such bad luck," they said. "Maybe," answered the farmer. The day after that, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army to fight in a war. Seeing the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. "Such good luck!" cried the neighbors. "Maybe," said the farmer.
In Zen Shorts, on the next page, the character Michael says, "I get it. Maybe good luck and back luck are all mixed up. You never know what will happen next." That is the part we refer to in our family - that things are typically all mixed up and neither good nor bad. Hope that helps!
Thank you for this! As influential as this story has been in my life, I'm surprised that I hadn't looked to see if it had other iterations. Now I know it does.
I've always felt that the moral was that we don't know at the time something is happening whether it's a positive or a negative in our lives and that only hindsight (and the fundamental interconnectedness of all things) reveals the answer to that question. and maybe not even that.
Yes! I am a devotee of Richard Rohr’s nondualism perspective and try really hard to go beyond “good” and “bad” luck, although I frequently fail as I’m also a product of American culture.
If you’re inclined to extend your thoughts (and it’s obvously fine if you’re not — I know I’m imposing here, so feel free to ignore me!), I’d love to hear more about the link you’re making to American culture with regard to good/bad luck.
It’s a fall-ish morning, I’m 74 and have recently upended my life for the better, so much better, and yet I’m sitting in this butt-ugly robe with a cold cup of coffee at the kitchen table, crying for no reason! And then I see Ann Hood’s name, think of a funny Ann Hood story, read her piece, think of all the streams in my own life (why didn’t I buy waterfront property when it was affordable, etc) but mostly switched over to grateful, (thank god I didn’t marry that person, etc). Etc. Got the energy back to get out of this awful robe and get going. Thanks!
Nina; I think changes of seasons, particularly if they are fast and very abrupt, trigger us on an unconscious level to account for and grieve losses before we move on. Like a capstone?
I read a dumpster’s worth of domestic and international news most days but today it just completely got to me! Suddenly the leaves are falling! Argh!!!! Obviously there’s something else going on.
I’ll take your fine example and get on the Gratitude bus. Thanks.
Darling, may I make a suggestion? When I did color analysis for people (sure started out a total skeptic too) I always encouraged them to find their most flattering color and treat themselves to a nice robe in that color. I for one need all the boost I can get first thing in the morning…🤤
If you are game, open your hand and squeeze the base of your thumb. That is what your unique blood looks like under your unique skin, as in ‘flushed’ with um… joy. I saw such a wild range of colors, from deep purples to light peach. Aren’t we gorgeous animals!?!? With the internet, this is so much more doable now.
As my coloring fades @ 70, and any make up needs to totally tone down as well, these benchmarks of our current tonalities are very handy! (👋Heehee)
I hope you have a ravishing autumn.
So interesting!
I would send clients to fabric stores so they could practice seeing what different colors did to their hands skin tones without getting distracted by their eye colors, or any style details, just color.
There aren’t that many fabric stores any more and algorithms have whittled color choices way down to the best sellers for the majority of humans, those with cool and clear tones.
While we’re at it…
Anybody buying foundation needs to go outside (commercial lighting is bizarre) or next to a north widow to actually see if it matches when spread on the jawline. Not the hands! Different skin: different damage. If people wear blush, the thumb thing is the basic natural color to have before getting into fashionable trends.
Just saved somebody some $$$ eh? 😁
So glad!
Oh, good. <3
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your child. Heartbreaking. And I think it was Kathryn Hepburn who said “if you don’t have regrets, you haven’t lived.” Regrets I have plenty of, acceptance and forgiveness have brought me to a place of relative peace. Thank you Ann.
I love the quote!
I loved reading about your life.
I’m so sorry for your loss of your daughter and I was very moved to read that you later had a daughter, adopted from China. Raising two children alone, for any length of time, had to be challenging.
I love that you married again, later in life and that— violá! — it was to a man who’d once been a college student under your tutelage!
Thank you for reminding all of us that— for the most part— we’re where we are, exactly because of choices, circumstances, and imperfect as it may be— glorious life! ❤️😘
(Writing this as a woman who after three engagements I ran from, decided at age 49 to marry a much younger man. (“I was a first-time bride at 49” — it sounds like a 🙄🤣spoof doesn’t it?!)
He and I are vacationing, curled up in bed at this moment, listening to the waves crash outside a rented condo here in north Florida. His mom is across the hall, and we are caregivers to this elderly woman who survived the Korean War in her hometown of Seoul and has often inspired my poetry. I have landed in such a different place than I imagined as a little girl. And as another smart human being noted, “that has made all the difference.”
Thank you Ann Hood for making my day. ❤️😘
Thank you for sharing your story with me!
Reading this - on this morning- couldn’t have hit my inbox at a better moment
Thank you 🩷
I’m so glad!
Oh, good!
Could someone please please please explain the stacked bars’ symbol’s meaning to me? I’ve looked everywhere, even urban dictionary. The closest thing on an iPhone is a lever. 🎚
Thank you for this. Like others have commented, I really needed to read this today. I turned 50 a few months before the pandemic hit, and on the eve of that birthday I wrote a list of things I wanted to accomplish in my fifties, as I felt like my forties was a period of personal and creative stagnation. Well, most of those things haven't happened yet, even as I've thrown my all into accomplishing the thing that was/is the top priority on my list. As I approach my 55th birthday in December, I'm trying to recalibrate, but it's been difficult. A sense of discouragement runs just under the surface of daily life & most days I wake up feeling a sense of dread; over the summer, I ruminated too often about paths not chosen, and obsessed over the idea that if I'd made different choices in my twenties or early thirties, I would have had a better chance at acheiving at least some of my dreams. Even so, I remind myself of the good things I have in my life, which keeps me putting one foot ahead of the other.
<3 Start where you are…
What a terrible time to turn 50 and want to accomplish a list full of things, only to have the world hit pause. Hopefully 55 will be a restart for you.
Kristen, I'm a year younger than you - I'll be 54 in December! And I could have written your comment. Honestly, it gave me hope and, interestingly enough, even a bit of comfort. Thank you. 🤍
And thank you, Ann Hood, for such a poignant and beautiful essay. 🤍
Thanks to Ann who wrote such a beautiful piece and have inspired such thoughtful responses like yours Kristen. ❤️ I'm feeling the same as I turn 55 this December too. I've been living in regrets-ville and struggling how I want to be as I walk the path to 60!😬I chose a corporate life for stability + major stress instead of a creative life. Am I stuck forever?? Perhaps like you said it's one step at a time and I can also incorporate a creative life. Thanks for sharing. . ❤️❤️
Suzanne! We’re never truly stuck. But unsticking can be hard. You can do it!
So appreciated Ann!❤️🙌
Thank you for this. Not sure of the answers, but I recognize the questions. Also, lighting a candle for you and Grace, and Sam, and everyone you’ve loved. 🤍
🩷
Beautiful. Just beautiful. I decided at an early age that regret was a really useless and even destructive emotion and I wasn't going to have it. (Good thing, because I've made a lot of stupid moves in my life too LOL.) But like you, I don't really regret them. I'm well aware that each of those stupid moves has brought about good things also, things for which I am grateful. And it has been really interesting to see where it has all led. Thanks so much for this thoughtful and wise perspective. I bet it will help lots of people.
Wow, Ann, your contribution here is so deeply poignant and rich in emotional depth! I admire your courageous examination of the things that befell you which you attribute to your choices. Now and then I've heard people asked if they would ever change anything in their lives and they declare they "wouldn't change a thing!" Ha, I cant imagine being able to say that. Probably most of of us have regrets. You are so brave to blame yourself for some of these dreadful occurrences but then you relent and allow yourself your deserved human frailty that we all need. So well written and very moving.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, David.
What a timely read this morning. Thank you for sharing and it’s so well written. It spiked my near flat writing juices. 💕
I agree!!
I enjoyed this so much, and as I often do when I enjoy something I've read, want to share it with my husband. It makes me think of a story he has told our friends, that many years ago, I had heard of a new company which would make purchasing books on line available. I was very interested in being able to peruse so many titles whenever I wanted and they'd come right to our door very soon. Books for leisure, for research, for my job, for my children. We had only recently begun investing for our retirement and I thought, why not this new company? Well, he didn't buy stock in Amazon because he believed it to be too risky. Think about that. But I look around the dining room of the 1887 Victorian I'm sitting in, with clear September light streaming through the large window with the pretty leaded glass sitting above it. I know purchasing Amazon stock would've changed our lives, but I will never know if that would've been for the better. I have enough. There are no regrets!
I love this, Kelly! Thank you for sharing. My father made the same decision about investing in Muzak!
That’s life! You’ve inspired me to write about my regret wonderings today. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful reflection. I have been exploring old photos and letters and writing lots of morning pages and typing up a few personal essay drafts. It’s time to move beyond that! I appreciate how you make sense of where you are now.
Whew! You speak for all of us. Life is full of losses, but they're our losses, aren't they?
Indeed!
Ann, your writing has been a part of my writing life from the start (I teach your work, you've blurbed one of my books) and, as always, your work has landed today exactly where I needed it to be. xo
Thank you, Jessica!
I come to the same conclusion every day. ❤️
Such a compelling story, told with such flair. Thank you.