"Planning for the End of Our Lives to Protect the People and Places We Love." An excerpt of Mallory McDuff's book. Plus: an open thread on our own end-of-life planning...
This is such an important topic! My brother and I pushed our father to deal with his end of life decisions after he broke his hip and was diagnosed with kidney disease. Our mom was already non verbal, living in an Alzheimer's unit at a nursing home. Our sister said it was too depressing to think about so bowed out. We helped dad research cemeteries and funeral homes. He designed his headstone, picked his coffin, decided on where to hold the funeral and wake afterwards. Picked the music and the bible readings. After the headstone was installed, Dad asked if I wanted to go visit, telling me he'd picked a great spot under a tree. I have a photo of him laughing and posing on his grave. It was actually a really good day and now every time I'm in town I visit my parents in the cemetery and think of that day we went to the cemetery together and discussed life & death. My brother is in finance so he set up a trust for my parents money. There are 3 granddaughters so I got my mother's jewelry appraised and then divided the amount in 3 and the girls took turns picking pieces until they had "shopped" their money amount. Dad told us about specific items he wanted people to have. My brother promised to take Dad's cat, who is still hanging in there at 19! Oh and about 5 years before Dad died, we found an amazing modern condo in a hip walkable neighborhood and sold the suburban family home of 40+ years that had fallen into disrepair. Again my sister said she "couldn't deal" and it was too sad so my brother & I did everything with Dad's help. Dad ended up loving condo life, after initially not wanting to move. There was always a grandkid living in the second bedroom as a roommate, because his new place was so appealing. Dad loved being the "old guy" in the neighborhood and was able to walk to stores, restaurants etc that he couldn't do in the burbs. I'm not going to lie, it was a lot of work doing all this but we were so glad we did because once your parents die you feel like you are moving underwater, thick headed and slow. Even with all we'd done, it was overwhelming. I have no idea how we'd have coped if we'd done nothing to prepare
Posing on his grave? That’s just beautiful! ( happy tears here)
Nobody gets out alive, why not embrace it?
My mom was the night receptionist at her local funeral home and had everything completely planned. Total control to the end. She did suicide by major shoulder surgery and I had to sign off on it. 1997, before assisted death was legal. What a waste of public medical procedure funds, when all she wanted was an end.
My mom did the same, a non malignant brain tumor that was slowly making her debilitated. The doctor said the surgery would probably kill her or make her better and it turned into a total fiasco, she didn't die, she had a stroke after a successful surgery that took two more years in a nursing home to do her in. Sometimes death by surgery doesn't work so well.
Oh Meridee, this sounds like such a horrific situation. I'm deeply sorry you and your mom had to experience such drawn-out pain. There is no silver lining to such a reality. Sending you care!
I absolutely love this. Your father sounds like a hoot and you're so right - coping is hard even when ALL this is prepared. Lucky you - I wish all of us could have this level of detail in our parents' death planning. (My father has everything written down, for which I am eternally grateful.)
I'm an estate planning attorney, and from professional and personal experience, I implore your readers to make a plan for their bodies after death and let their loved ones know about it. When someone dies, their family/friends are generally in a fog - not knowing what to do, and trying to decide what the person would have wanted. Make that decision for them. I cannot fully convey how big a relief that is for those left behind. It is a gift, and one that only you can give. And yes, you should have a will, and maybe a trust, and powers of attorney in case you're incapacitated - those are important. And create a list of all of your assets, with contact information, plus online accounts and passwords. All of these things will save your family much time and energy and frustration, and they can spend that time grieving, and celebrating your life, and being together and remembering. But if you're not quite ready to do all of that, at least make a plan for a burial or cremation, or other option, and tell them about it. If you know already - tell them today. They may scream and say they don't want to even think about you being gone. Tell them anyway.
I've just been through the deaths of not one but TWO people who died intestate, leaving chaos behind. I work with people so that this doesn't happen - and estate lawyers are some of my favorite people! - thank you for laying this out so explicitly. And yet, people know they have to do this, but few of us want to sit down and actually DO it!
When I was diagnosed with a serious rare sarcoma in early 2020 just as Covid was hitting and then a more usual unrelated cancer in the fall of 2021 I started to realize that dying was on my list. I’m now 76 and live alone. I am currently doing OK. My first order of business was the medical directives, the second was sorting through stuff, keeping in mind what I don’t want or need to save for my two daughters.. I reread the shoebox full of old love letters from former beaus from my youth and then burned them in the wood stove. The sorting continues with varying degrees of success, not want to feel as if I’m disappearing.
"not want to feel as if I'm disappearing" really resonates with me, particularly as I sorted through my parents' life and sold their home, and now as I go through my own. You've captured the feeling perfectly. I'm happy you're doing ok!
I haven’t found any love letters to me, but I have the ones between my parents (bitter divorce) that I cannot yet bring myself to read. I feel like I need to forgive them both first, which is getting closer but not quite…. Bizarre attitude, eh?
My grandma was so shocked at the sentimental things we wanted from her life, when she was moving from a homestead to her in-town apartment.
Maybe ask your kids if there are any things they especially want? You might be very surprised.
I love this advice to ask your kids if there is anything they especially want when elders downsize or before they die. When my parents died, my 6-year old at the time said she wanted this small little print that had my mom's name--Ann--and a simple illustration of a wildflower. Someone had given it to her--totally meaningless to anyone else. Nearly 15 years later, my two daughters made a similar frame with the same flower but my name on the print. They were finding small ways to help me carry the love of my mother--as I tried to mother them through the years. Thanks for the reminder!
That’s so thoughtful. There is nothing like a custom made gift! Especially something small.
When my precious cousin died with an apt full to bursting of her thrifted finds, (she had a great eye too) I knew that I could only retrieve a few small items, due to my own constraints. It was a wise move, in that the few bulky things I couldn’t resist are a hassle and in my way now. But they are sentimental now and I feel guilty getting rid of them.
I don’t feel that way about her lovely jewelry that I actually wear frequently and treasure because of the origin. It fits in my own box too.
Watching my family dump her stuff and her mother’s, I am freed from trying to ‘save’ things for them. They don’t care about history like I do, so what? Sell it.
I served as a hospice chaplain for 30 years and officiated many funerals. I witnessed many lives’ end and let my experience plus my worldview guide preparation for my end.
I also wrapped up care for my mother, father, sister and two brothers, all with different challenges and lessons.
So, my plans began in earnest when my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease six years ago. We went to our attorney, wrote living wills and power of attorney documents. I divested of all inherited stakes in generational wealth by turning it all over to my adult children. My father also made me the trustee for my sister and brother, so I made arrangements for them as well.
I knew our limited retirement income and social security would not be sufficient for our care, especially my husband’s. I am in relatively good health. My husband is 73 and I’m 72.
We declared bankruptcy to clear up debt, sold most of our belongings in an estate sale and sold our house. I outfitted my 2012 Toyota Sienna minivan for life on the road if necessary and now have the camping gear stored as we share the van with my daughter and her family. We moved into an independent living apartment in a community that graduated to assisted living and then nursing and memory care. We lived there for a few years and I didn’t like the looks of how care was given to residents, so my daughter invited us to move on to her property.
We bought a tiny mobile home, applied for provisional medical hardship housing permits in our state of New Mexico and circumvented some of the red tape associated with zoning laws. I took out a large insurance policy to cover the mortgage of our home for when we die so my daughter will not be burdened with it.
We have Medicare and Medicaid and are participants in the Innovage Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly so all of our medical needs are met. My husband attends a day program at PACE and I pick up gig work to supplement our income from time to time. We can’t have more than $2000 in our account when annual renewal time comes around.
We live in New Mexico on my daughter’s organic farm and my husband helps care for the animals and garden. My daughter helps with my husband’s care when I’m away and in turn I help out with my 12 year old grandson. We hope to age in place and have home health care and hospice when that time comes, avoiding institutional living as much as possible.
As for funeral arrangements, we will be cremated. My husband has Veteran benefits and will be inurned at the National Cemetery. I have a spot in the family plot. I have a fireproof box with all of our important papers, codes, passwords etc with easy access to my daughter and son. I have also shared passwords etc with my daughter. Our New Mexico Orders for Scope of Treatment (Most) DNR etc documents are posted in plain sight on the refrigerator for any emergency personnel who may need them. We have life lines for when we are out and about. Our current medication list is in the cabinet with our meds clearly marked.
We are as prepared as we can be given the inevitable consequences of living on earth. Meanwhile, we find joy in each day and live life to the fullest. As to memorial services after we are gone, that is up to our children and none of our business.
These are such important choices for people to know about--and to advocate for--and to talk about with family. I hadn't heard about any of these choices until I started the research for this book. I'm amazed at what we don't know about something that we all know will happen. But even after writing this book, there are still more details I have to take care of! Thank you for your thoughtfulness and care.
I too am writing a book, but about the challenges of being widowed and childless and facing old age and beyond alone. Just about every book and every comment here mentions family and not wanting to leave decisions to sons and daughters. It makes me feel like such a minority to be in this position, though perhaps I am not.
As for MAID I am also in favor, though my state of NEvada narrowly voted it down. I wonder if on can go out of state if one needs it?
you are not alone, Diana--i, too, am partnerless & childless. altho my best friend is young enough to be my daughter & an attorney who deals with elders & their estates, i do want to do due diligence so i don't leave her with a mess! this article was a much-needed nudge!
Hi Diana, thanks for your reply. My single friend who is without traditional family has made arrangements with the Neptune Society. They help people think about your situation. As for MAID out of state, I’m not as familiar with the ins and outs. In NM you need to have two physicians, be six months away from death, psychologically sound etc. Also, the physician ordering and administering the meds is certified by the state in some way. Also, I learned that it is too late for my husband to choose MAID because he is not competent to make such decisions and I can’t do so for him as his POA. Therefore, I have researched VSED for him. There is good guidance out there for initiating it and when it is time, hospice/palliative care can assist with comfort measures. However, I do know of folks who have “flights booked” to foreign countries. Hope this helps. There is much information about end-of-life options on the Internet. Best wishes.
Fascinating topic. I'm 65, my husband is 71, and yes, we have a will and living wills. We do not yet, however, have burial plans. The Midwestern model I grew up with is changing to where the old standard is almost the exception.
I was raised with the local funeral home embalming the departed, a community visitation the night before or an hour before the service, a service with a pastor, perhaps a eulogy or two, a recorded version of a favorite hymn played, and pallbearers removing the casket, then the hearse leading a slow procession to the family's favorited church cemetery. Then a meal for family and close friends in the church basement served by the church's funeral-dinner ladies. (I'm currently on my own church's funeral-ladies committee.)
My husband has always said he thinks there should be a funeral for "closure," but he's changed his mind about the particulars: "Maybe it is unnecessary trauma to show the body."
I recently picked up my widowed sister-in-law's ashes and took her to her own graveside service. Her remains were buried on her side of the plot next to her husband of 49 years, my brother, and they had put their stone in place before their passing. It feels so thoughtful when loved ones do these things so others don't have to make the choices.
Here's a PSA for those who have dear ones buried in small graveyards, particularly in small communities: some of these cemeteries, perhaps most, operate on shoestring budgets and no longer recieve many donations for general upkeep as they did in generations past.
There may be an old guard trying to (barely) keep things going, providing free use of their personal lawn mowers. When naming a charity in the obituary, consider asking for donations to that cemetery board and/or leaving a little something to the cemetery in your will.
While I'm not losing sleep over this topic (yet), I am moving toward getting a real plan in place. It won't be complex, though, and there won't be a "wake" in someone's home!
As a writer/author, I'm also trying to come up with a meaningful few words for the stone. As a woman of faith, I've thought of "To be continued," as a bit of whimsy, yet suggestive that I believe more is ahead. Or, perhaps I'll have a scriptural reference carved and to save space, folks can look it up later. Speaking of which, a funeral director told me that stone carving is a dying art. Pun intended. Few to none do this anymore.
My husband, whom we call our life coach, and is the most dependable person I've ever met, has suggested for himself: "He showed up." And he sure has!
THANK FOR THIS PERSPECTIVE! I would have never thought about the family plot, because I will be elsewhere. I’m going to gift them something now.
I’m reading ’Die With Zero’ (thanks to Oldster and the public library) and even without his millions, there’s solid reasoning in there for gifting early.
With Mother’s Day coming up, it’s the perfect opportunity. Ancient old International Order of Odd Fellows cemetery in Monroe, WA. Interesting organization…
I just talked with the longterm caretaker, who’ve I’ve met on other sad days. She said they are still selling plots, so they are in good shape 👍
Very great conversation. It will go into the endowment care fund. And assuage some guilt for me too. If it weren’t for that cemetery, I would not even know that part of my name is a child who lived for a few days.
I'm amazed how much my conversations with my father about his end-of-life plans have helped me forge a relationship with both my parents---even after their deaths? Isn't that such a crazy proposition? That we can create new connections with those we love, even after they die? I honestly would have resisted this idea years ago, right after their deaths. But I am listening as my own students have conversations with their parents and grandparents--hard convos--and as they hear me talk about my parents' wishes for green burial. And I have to face a poignant and messy, beautiful truth: their lives pulse in mine, even now. I anticipate your children will hold close these conversations with you, all the many years later too. Love above all, even when it's hard....
My father left us a very helpful file called DEATH. It contained key administrative information (bank details etc) and some suggested but optional ‘wishes’ that eased our way through the necessary post-death steps while we were spinning with the loss of him. It was so efficient and so loving of him. I now have my own DEATH file. I hope it helps my family when my life ends.
I feel like I now have another task to add to my growing list of things I'm learning as time goes on. I've been pretty vocal about wanting to be cremated and dropped into a couple of my favorite places (my current river, my home river and my beach). But maybe I'll revise this based on the fossil fuel load... More importantly, my sister and I urged our mother to get all her directives in order about two years ago. Thank goodness we did, as dementia is making dealing with all aspects of her life a challenge. When my father passed away 18 years ago, my mother bought a block of plots where he wanted to be buried. She refers to it as the best real estate investment she's ever made.
I'm a contract worker and in times when I'm under employed, I try to write stories for my kids. Things I could tell them if they were not eye-rolling at me (teenagers), but ultimately stories they will want to know -- the day they were born, how I met their father, all the places I've lived and what I've learned along the way, my various jobs and so on. It's the story of me. And someday, if I find the time to write the memoirs I have planned, these will prove redundant. To me, the money and possessions will make their way to my heirs, but it's the stories that are most important to preserve.
Thanks for the reminder that heirs can mature into having an interest in history. That’s comforting!
A dear friend had her remains scattered in The Four Directions on equinoxes and solstices, the last being the toe of a glacier, the origin of the creamy looking (glacial flour) White River. Her husband rigged up a special device on the tip of a fishing pole to make sure they entered briskly flowing water! Pretty spectacular and I’m filled with gratitude for being invited. (RIP dearest Margaret B. Your ecology writing endures in the Native Plant Society archives.)
Thank you for writing this wonderful piece. I am in my 80th year and my spouse is in her 75th year. Yes we do have a trust and our two children will share what we have left them. It is really challenging for me to think about my death. I am not afraid of dying; I am afraid of being a burden to my wife and children. We need to have a conversation with our children about passwords, bank accounts numbers and where things are. In addition; I need to write down what I want to happen to my body after death.
There are more and more options for our bodies and it does depend on which state you live in. But it is easy to find out about options in your region and they are expanding every year, which is good news. It's not easy though!
I really enjoyed reading this excerpt. It ties in with a lot of that I’ve been thinking about. Earlier this year (I’m 49), I took an online workshop offered by Center for End of Life Transition (Asheville, NC) called Advance Care and After Death Care Directives. It was a 3-session discussion of topics/documents/laws related to end of life and after death. I had no idea where to begin my planning before the workshop. Now, i have so much more understanding about the pertinent documents and my own beliefs…now, it’s just a matter of getting things notarized, etc. I also really enjoyed hearing other participants’ perspectives on their end of life desires. For anyone who feels overwhelmed by making these decisions or who doesn’t know where to begin, I think this workshop is a great way to begin the journey. ceolt.org
My parents left a tremendous mess behind, and I lose sleep over how to ensure that my children won't be stuck with the same miserable situation. Thinking of it in this context seems much more hopeful and less ... defensive/administrative, somehow? So good to read; thank you!
A thought provoking, moving piece of writing. I am 50 and feel pretty comfortable having these conversations, though notice others do not!
No will, no paid funeral plans, but I have spoken about the music I want played. That feels significant to me, as adore music, but perhaps not quite as important in the practical sense.
As a low wages worker, finding extra money planning my death is a challenge, but hoping to find a way...!
I so appreciate the importance of money at the heart of this conversation. I tried to explore options with cost, climate, and community in mind, and I KNOW finances was a big driver in my dad's planning for a low-cost natural burial. It's actually cheaper to plan for a disposition that doesn't include embalming, a vault, etc. I didn't necessarily spend a lot of money to make my plans, but I think the plan will help my daughters to save money, if that makes sense! Thanks for sharing and reading!
Most clinics are thrilled to hand out the bright green Physicians Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment. I just noticed that you can search for “advance directive” by state with some free downloads.
I’ve been steered to paperwork packages at office supply stores for stuff like wills, since I have no kids or real estate.
It’s the POAs (one medical, one financial) that matter most while I am living that are the $$$.
It will give you peace of mind, just to write down what you want, regardless of how simple the delivery.
I'm 58 and my husband will be 70. We have a will but no "end of life" plans, his parents have a plot but we haven't discussed what to do if either of us go. My parents are 79 and 83 and my dad refuses to make any final arrangements, which is frustrating for me and my mom but until I read this essay, I never thought about actively planning for my own. I should lead by example. This was a great read, and I want to get the memoir!
At 86, I have my memorial service on record at my Church and plans to be composted through www.recompose.life here in Seattle. My family know my plans and several of us have hikes to the place in the wilderness that I have asked that some of my composted remains be scattered. The composted human body produces a yard of organic material. I hope many of my children and grandchildren will take some to their gardens when I'm gone.
I'm 67. Have a will. Along with my wife. Have a plan for after death. Cremation. I would love to do the body-farming, but currently my state does not permit it. And I don't want anyone left behind to have the burden of paying to move my dead bones to, let's say, Oregon. Although, Oregon is lovely. My wife and I are getting to the password thing. That part feels more overwhelming than anything else. Thanks for this excerpt. Wonderful story and insight.
one way to make the password thing easier is to set up a password manager that has a matter password or passkey and then you can just share the login information for the password manager 🙂
All such thoughtful comments! I'm 55. Spouse is 62. We talk about all this, esp since we care for our aging mother's, but honestly, talk is about all we've done. Let's revise that - I talk he kind of laughs and gets weird and nervous around the topic. I have a song I want played at my celebration of life- Xavier Rudd's "follow the sun" and I've told my girls, ages 16 and 26 what mountain top I want my ashes scattered at, though with my husband's bad hips he'd never make it to the top- but our will is old and outdated. I've had forms to write up a new one on my desk for over a year. I've been reading alot about mushroom burial and green burials in general, but so far it's not much more than a fuzzy idea. One thing no one here has mentioned is pets. Where they will go if they outlive you. I read somewhere recently that a dog should be allowed to see their dead owners body, because animals understand death. This way they won't think they've just been abandoned. Lots to think about . Lots to do. I'm going to buy this book and make a plan!
My husband and I are similar. He seems to think it's somehow alarmist to concern myself with this, as if death doesn't come for everyone. But he is 62 and has had some friends die suddenly of heart attacks. Time for us to pay attention to this! Interesting about pets and their need to perceive their owners' passings/
I’m Scottish but left aged 15 because my family don’t family very well. My only child (daughter) was born and brought up in England and was brought up to be proud to be English. I’ve kept my family at arms length but over the years my daughter’s witnessed major dramas rolling on in the background (some of it quite heavy) and has grown to despise all things Scottish, particularly the people. The current political craziness has further cemented her beliefs.
When I pass, I want to go home, I didn’t leave Scotland because I didn’t like Scotland, I left because it wasn’t safe for me to stay.
I want to leave a request for my daughter to take my ashes home and disperse them for me. I know she’ll comply but she’s so angry with Scottish people and how I’ve been treated that I know the trip would be extremely stressful for her and she’d do it through gritted teeth. I wouldn’t want to subject her to that, and that kind of energy wouldn’t reflect my life so I wouldn’t want it to be part of my death.
This topic is fresh in my mind because we buried my MIL last week and hubby and I were up in Scotland for the funeral. So, thank you for creating a space where I could say what I feel out loud. To me it sometimes seems like a non-problem and I should just do the usual cremation thing but I want to go home. I love my country, I love the people and it’s where my soul belongs. 🏴❤️
This is such an important topic! My brother and I pushed our father to deal with his end of life decisions after he broke his hip and was diagnosed with kidney disease. Our mom was already non verbal, living in an Alzheimer's unit at a nursing home. Our sister said it was too depressing to think about so bowed out. We helped dad research cemeteries and funeral homes. He designed his headstone, picked his coffin, decided on where to hold the funeral and wake afterwards. Picked the music and the bible readings. After the headstone was installed, Dad asked if I wanted to go visit, telling me he'd picked a great spot under a tree. I have a photo of him laughing and posing on his grave. It was actually a really good day and now every time I'm in town I visit my parents in the cemetery and think of that day we went to the cemetery together and discussed life & death. My brother is in finance so he set up a trust for my parents money. There are 3 granddaughters so I got my mother's jewelry appraised and then divided the amount in 3 and the girls took turns picking pieces until they had "shopped" their money amount. Dad told us about specific items he wanted people to have. My brother promised to take Dad's cat, who is still hanging in there at 19! Oh and about 5 years before Dad died, we found an amazing modern condo in a hip walkable neighborhood and sold the suburban family home of 40+ years that had fallen into disrepair. Again my sister said she "couldn't deal" and it was too sad so my brother & I did everything with Dad's help. Dad ended up loving condo life, after initially not wanting to move. There was always a grandkid living in the second bedroom as a roommate, because his new place was so appealing. Dad loved being the "old guy" in the neighborhood and was able to walk to stores, restaurants etc that he couldn't do in the burbs. I'm not going to lie, it was a lot of work doing all this but we were so glad we did because once your parents die you feel like you are moving underwater, thick headed and slow. Even with all we'd done, it was overwhelming. I have no idea how we'd have coped if we'd done nothing to prepare
Posing on his grave? That’s just beautiful! ( happy tears here)
Nobody gets out alive, why not embrace it?
My mom was the night receptionist at her local funeral home and had everything completely planned. Total control to the end. She did suicide by major shoulder surgery and I had to sign off on it. 1997, before assisted death was legal. What a waste of public medical procedure funds, when all she wanted was an end.
My mom did the same, a non malignant brain tumor that was slowly making her debilitated. The doctor said the surgery would probably kill her or make her better and it turned into a total fiasco, she didn't die, she had a stroke after a successful surgery that took two more years in a nursing home to do her in. Sometimes death by surgery doesn't work so well.
Oh Meridee, this sounds like such a horrific situation. I'm deeply sorry you and your mom had to experience such drawn-out pain. There is no silver lining to such a reality. Sending you care!
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I absolutely love this. Your father sounds like a hoot and you're so right - coping is hard even when ALL this is prepared. Lucky you - I wish all of us could have this level of detail in our parents' death planning. (My father has everything written down, for which I am eternally grateful.)
Thanks so much for reading and sharing with me! I’m glad your own father has outlined his wishes too.
I'm an estate planning attorney, and from professional and personal experience, I implore your readers to make a plan for their bodies after death and let their loved ones know about it. When someone dies, their family/friends are generally in a fog - not knowing what to do, and trying to decide what the person would have wanted. Make that decision for them. I cannot fully convey how big a relief that is for those left behind. It is a gift, and one that only you can give. And yes, you should have a will, and maybe a trust, and powers of attorney in case you're incapacitated - those are important. And create a list of all of your assets, with contact information, plus online accounts and passwords. All of these things will save your family much time and energy and frustration, and they can spend that time grieving, and celebrating your life, and being together and remembering. But if you're not quite ready to do all of that, at least make a plan for a burial or cremation, or other option, and tell them about it. If you know already - tell them today. They may scream and say they don't want to even think about you being gone. Tell them anyway.
Thank you. You are so right.
I've just been through the deaths of not one but TWO people who died intestate, leaving chaos behind. I work with people so that this doesn't happen - and estate lawyers are some of my favorite people! - thank you for laying this out so explicitly. And yet, people know they have to do this, but few of us want to sit down and actually DO it!
So sorry for your losses (and the chaos!).
This is illuminating, thank you!
When I was diagnosed with a serious rare sarcoma in early 2020 just as Covid was hitting and then a more usual unrelated cancer in the fall of 2021 I started to realize that dying was on my list. I’m now 76 and live alone. I am currently doing OK. My first order of business was the medical directives, the second was sorting through stuff, keeping in mind what I don’t want or need to save for my two daughters.. I reread the shoebox full of old love letters from former beaus from my youth and then burned them in the wood stove. The sorting continues with varying degrees of success, not want to feel as if I’m disappearing.
"not want to feel as if I'm disappearing" really resonates with me, particularly as I sorted through my parents' life and sold their home, and now as I go through my own. You've captured the feeling perfectly. I'm happy you're doing ok!
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I’m so glad you are OK! Love your beach picture.
I haven’t found any love letters to me, but I have the ones between my parents (bitter divorce) that I cannot yet bring myself to read. I feel like I need to forgive them both first, which is getting closer but not quite…. Bizarre attitude, eh?
My grandma was so shocked at the sentimental things we wanted from her life, when she was moving from a homestead to her in-town apartment.
Maybe ask your kids if there are any things they especially want? You might be very surprised.
I love this advice to ask your kids if there is anything they especially want when elders downsize or before they die. When my parents died, my 6-year old at the time said she wanted this small little print that had my mom's name--Ann--and a simple illustration of a wildflower. Someone had given it to her--totally meaningless to anyone else. Nearly 15 years later, my two daughters made a similar frame with the same flower but my name on the print. They were finding small ways to help me carry the love of my mother--as I tried to mother them through the years. Thanks for the reminder!
That’s so thoughtful. There is nothing like a custom made gift! Especially something small.
When my precious cousin died with an apt full to bursting of her thrifted finds, (she had a great eye too) I knew that I could only retrieve a few small items, due to my own constraints. It was a wise move, in that the few bulky things I couldn’t resist are a hassle and in my way now. But they are sentimental now and I feel guilty getting rid of them.
I don’t feel that way about her lovely jewelry that I actually wear frequently and treasure because of the origin. It fits in my own box too.
Watching my family dump her stuff and her mother’s, I am freed from trying to ‘save’ things for them. They don’t care about history like I do, so what? Sell it.
I served as a hospice chaplain for 30 years and officiated many funerals. I witnessed many lives’ end and let my experience plus my worldview guide preparation for my end.
I also wrapped up care for my mother, father, sister and two brothers, all with different challenges and lessons.
So, my plans began in earnest when my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease six years ago. We went to our attorney, wrote living wills and power of attorney documents. I divested of all inherited stakes in generational wealth by turning it all over to my adult children. My father also made me the trustee for my sister and brother, so I made arrangements for them as well.
I knew our limited retirement income and social security would not be sufficient for our care, especially my husband’s. I am in relatively good health. My husband is 73 and I’m 72.
We declared bankruptcy to clear up debt, sold most of our belongings in an estate sale and sold our house. I outfitted my 2012 Toyota Sienna minivan for life on the road if necessary and now have the camping gear stored as we share the van with my daughter and her family. We moved into an independent living apartment in a community that graduated to assisted living and then nursing and memory care. We lived there for a few years and I didn’t like the looks of how care was given to residents, so my daughter invited us to move on to her property.
We bought a tiny mobile home, applied for provisional medical hardship housing permits in our state of New Mexico and circumvented some of the red tape associated with zoning laws. I took out a large insurance policy to cover the mortgage of our home for when we die so my daughter will not be burdened with it.
We have Medicare and Medicaid and are participants in the Innovage Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly so all of our medical needs are met. My husband attends a day program at PACE and I pick up gig work to supplement our income from time to time. We can’t have more than $2000 in our account when annual renewal time comes around.
We live in New Mexico on my daughter’s organic farm and my husband helps care for the animals and garden. My daughter helps with my husband’s care when I’m away and in turn I help out with my 12 year old grandson. We hope to age in place and have home health care and hospice when that time comes, avoiding institutional living as much as possible.
As for funeral arrangements, we will be cremated. My husband has Veteran benefits and will be inurned at the National Cemetery. I have a spot in the family plot. I have a fireproof box with all of our important papers, codes, passwords etc with easy access to my daughter and son. I have also shared passwords etc with my daughter. Our New Mexico Orders for Scope of Treatment (Most) DNR etc documents are posted in plain sight on the refrigerator for any emergency personnel who may need them. We have life lines for when we are out and about. Our current medication list is in the cabinet with our meds clearly marked.
We are as prepared as we can be given the inevitable consequences of living on earth. Meanwhile, we find joy in each day and live life to the fullest. As to memorial services after we are gone, that is up to our children and none of our business.
Wow. Kudos to you on all this detailed planning, and shifting of arrangements.
Also, I am a strong proponent of Medical Aid in Dying (legal in NM) and alternatively, Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking (VSED)
Kathi,
These are such important choices for people to know about--and to advocate for--and to talk about with family. I hadn't heard about any of these choices until I started the research for this book. I'm amazed at what we don't know about something that we all know will happen. But even after writing this book, there are still more details I have to take care of! Thank you for your thoughtfulness and care.
I too am writing a book, but about the challenges of being widowed and childless and facing old age and beyond alone. Just about every book and every comment here mentions family and not wanting to leave decisions to sons and daughters. It makes me feel like such a minority to be in this position, though perhaps I am not.
As for MAID I am also in favor, though my state of NEvada narrowly voted it down. I wonder if on can go out of state if one needs it?
you are not alone, Diana--i, too, am partnerless & childless. altho my best friend is young enough to be my daughter & an attorney who deals with elders & their estates, i do want to do due diligence so i don't leave her with a mess! this article was a much-needed nudge!
Hi Diana, thanks for your reply. My single friend who is without traditional family has made arrangements with the Neptune Society. They help people think about your situation. As for MAID out of state, I’m not as familiar with the ins and outs. In NM you need to have two physicians, be six months away from death, psychologically sound etc. Also, the physician ordering and administering the meds is certified by the state in some way. Also, I learned that it is too late for my husband to choose MAID because he is not competent to make such decisions and I can’t do so for him as his POA. Therefore, I have researched VSED for him. There is good guidance out there for initiating it and when it is time, hospice/palliative care can assist with comfort measures. However, I do know of folks who have “flights booked” to foreign countries. Hope this helps. There is much information about end-of-life options on the Internet. Best wishes.
There must be plenty of DIY info around.
Why do I need anybody’s permission anyway? It’s MY body, period.
Fascinating topic. I'm 65, my husband is 71, and yes, we have a will and living wills. We do not yet, however, have burial plans. The Midwestern model I grew up with is changing to where the old standard is almost the exception.
I was raised with the local funeral home embalming the departed, a community visitation the night before or an hour before the service, a service with a pastor, perhaps a eulogy or two, a recorded version of a favorite hymn played, and pallbearers removing the casket, then the hearse leading a slow procession to the family's favorited church cemetery. Then a meal for family and close friends in the church basement served by the church's funeral-dinner ladies. (I'm currently on my own church's funeral-ladies committee.)
My husband has always said he thinks there should be a funeral for "closure," but he's changed his mind about the particulars: "Maybe it is unnecessary trauma to show the body."
I recently picked up my widowed sister-in-law's ashes and took her to her own graveside service. Her remains were buried on her side of the plot next to her husband of 49 years, my brother, and they had put their stone in place before their passing. It feels so thoughtful when loved ones do these things so others don't have to make the choices.
Here's a PSA for those who have dear ones buried in small graveyards, particularly in small communities: some of these cemeteries, perhaps most, operate on shoestring budgets and no longer recieve many donations for general upkeep as they did in generations past.
There may be an old guard trying to (barely) keep things going, providing free use of their personal lawn mowers. When naming a charity in the obituary, consider asking for donations to that cemetery board and/or leaving a little something to the cemetery in your will.
While I'm not losing sleep over this topic (yet), I am moving toward getting a real plan in place. It won't be complex, though, and there won't be a "wake" in someone's home!
As a writer/author, I'm also trying to come up with a meaningful few words for the stone. As a woman of faith, I've thought of "To be continued," as a bit of whimsy, yet suggestive that I believe more is ahead. Or, perhaps I'll have a scriptural reference carved and to save space, folks can look it up later. Speaking of which, a funeral director told me that stone carving is a dying art. Pun intended. Few to none do this anymore.
My husband, whom we call our life coach, and is the most dependable person I've ever met, has suggested for himself: "He showed up." And he sure has!
Final arrangements are, however, pending.
I like "To be continued..."!
THANK FOR THIS PERSPECTIVE! I would have never thought about the family plot, because I will be elsewhere. I’m going to gift them something now.
I’m reading ’Die With Zero’ (thanks to Oldster and the public library) and even without his millions, there’s solid reasoning in there for gifting early.
With Mother’s Day coming up, it’s the perfect opportunity. Ancient old International Order of Odd Fellows cemetery in Monroe, WA. Interesting organization…
I'm so pleased that resonated with you! The cemetery caretakers and loved ones will be so pleased that you cared and helped out.
I just talked with the longterm caretaker, who’ve I’ve met on other sad days. She said they are still selling plots, so they are in good shape 👍
Very great conversation. It will go into the endowment care fund. And assuage some guilt for me too. If it weren’t for that cemetery, I would not even know that part of my name is a child who lived for a few days.
This brought tears to my eyes. Not an easy feat.
My husband and I bought two burial plots for a green burial several years ago.
We are both now eighty. We do have a will, but have not really shared any details.
This reading told me not only that I need to read the book, but I have to share my
plans with the two out of three children that still live.
I'm amazed how much my conversations with my father about his end-of-life plans have helped me forge a relationship with both my parents---even after their deaths? Isn't that such a crazy proposition? That we can create new connections with those we love, even after they die? I honestly would have resisted this idea years ago, right after their deaths. But I am listening as my own students have conversations with their parents and grandparents--hard convos--and as they hear me talk about my parents' wishes for green burial. And I have to face a poignant and messy, beautiful truth: their lives pulse in mine, even now. I anticipate your children will hold close these conversations with you, all the many years later too. Love above all, even when it's hard....
<3
My father left us a very helpful file called DEATH. It contained key administrative information (bank details etc) and some suggested but optional ‘wishes’ that eased our way through the necessary post-death steps while we were spinning with the loss of him. It was so efficient and so loving of him. I now have my own DEATH file. I hope it helps my family when my life ends.
Kind of brilliant, even if the title is a little morbid.
But the title: so succinct!
I feel like I now have another task to add to my growing list of things I'm learning as time goes on. I've been pretty vocal about wanting to be cremated and dropped into a couple of my favorite places (my current river, my home river and my beach). But maybe I'll revise this based on the fossil fuel load... More importantly, my sister and I urged our mother to get all her directives in order about two years ago. Thank goodness we did, as dementia is making dealing with all aspects of her life a challenge. When my father passed away 18 years ago, my mother bought a block of plots where he wanted to be buried. She refers to it as the best real estate investment she's ever made.
I'm a contract worker and in times when I'm under employed, I try to write stories for my kids. Things I could tell them if they were not eye-rolling at me (teenagers), but ultimately stories they will want to know -- the day they were born, how I met their father, all the places I've lived and what I've learned along the way, my various jobs and so on. It's the story of me. And someday, if I find the time to write the memoirs I have planned, these will prove redundant. To me, the money and possessions will make their way to my heirs, but it's the stories that are most important to preserve.
<3
Thanks for the reminder that heirs can mature into having an interest in history. That’s comforting!
A dear friend had her remains scattered in The Four Directions on equinoxes and solstices, the last being the toe of a glacier, the origin of the creamy looking (glacial flour) White River. Her husband rigged up a special device on the tip of a fishing pole to make sure they entered briskly flowing water! Pretty spectacular and I’m filled with gratitude for being invited. (RIP dearest Margaret B. Your ecology writing endures in the Native Plant Society archives.)
Thank you for writing this wonderful piece. I am in my 80th year and my spouse is in her 75th year. Yes we do have a trust and our two children will share what we have left them. It is really challenging for me to think about my death. I am not afraid of dying; I am afraid of being a burden to my wife and children. We need to have a conversation with our children about passwords, bank accounts numbers and where things are. In addition; I need to write down what I want to happen to my body after death.
There are more and more options for our bodies and it does depend on which state you live in. But it is easy to find out about options in your region and they are expanding every year, which is good news. It's not easy though!
Yes! So many important details, but so hard to talk about.
I really enjoyed reading this excerpt. It ties in with a lot of that I’ve been thinking about. Earlier this year (I’m 49), I took an online workshop offered by Center for End of Life Transition (Asheville, NC) called Advance Care and After Death Care Directives. It was a 3-session discussion of topics/documents/laws related to end of life and after death. I had no idea where to begin my planning before the workshop. Now, i have so much more understanding about the pertinent documents and my own beliefs…now, it’s just a matter of getting things notarized, etc. I also really enjoyed hearing other participants’ perspectives on their end of life desires. For anyone who feels overwhelmed by making these decisions or who doesn’t know where to begin, I think this workshop is a great way to begin the journey. ceolt.org
Thanks for the link!
My parents left a tremendous mess behind, and I lose sleep over how to ensure that my children won't be stuck with the same miserable situation. Thinking of it in this context seems much more hopeful and less ... defensive/administrative, somehow? So good to read; thank you!
A thought provoking, moving piece of writing. I am 50 and feel pretty comfortable having these conversations, though notice others do not!
No will, no paid funeral plans, but I have spoken about the music I want played. That feels significant to me, as adore music, but perhaps not quite as important in the practical sense.
As a low wages worker, finding extra money planning my death is a challenge, but hoping to find a way...!
I so appreciate the importance of money at the heart of this conversation. I tried to explore options with cost, climate, and community in mind, and I KNOW finances was a big driver in my dad's planning for a low-cost natural burial. It's actually cheaper to plan for a disposition that doesn't include embalming, a vault, etc. I didn't necessarily spend a lot of money to make my plans, but I think the plan will help my daughters to save money, if that makes sense! Thanks for sharing and reading!
I 100% understand the conundrum.
Most clinics are thrilled to hand out the bright green Physicians Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment. I just noticed that you can search for “advance directive” by state with some free downloads.
I’ve been steered to paperwork packages at office supply stores for stuff like wills, since I have no kids or real estate.
It’s the POAs (one medical, one financial) that matter most while I am living that are the $$$.
It will give you peace of mind, just to write down what you want, regardless of how simple the delivery.
I'm 58 and my husband will be 70. We have a will but no "end of life" plans, his parents have a plot but we haven't discussed what to do if either of us go. My parents are 79 and 83 and my dad refuses to make any final arrangements, which is frustrating for me and my mom but until I read this essay, I never thought about actively planning for my own. I should lead by example. This was a great read, and I want to get the memoir!
Glad this essay got you thinking. And I love when Oldster prompts people to buy contributors' books!
At 86, I have my memorial service on record at my Church and plans to be composted through www.recompose.life here in Seattle. My family know my plans and several of us have hikes to the place in the wilderness that I have asked that some of my composted remains be scattered. The composted human body produces a yard of organic material. I hope many of my children and grandchildren will take some to their gardens when I'm gone.
Inspiring!
I'm 67. Have a will. Along with my wife. Have a plan for after death. Cremation. I would love to do the body-farming, but currently my state does not permit it. And I don't want anyone left behind to have the burden of paying to move my dead bones to, let's say, Oregon. Although, Oregon is lovely. My wife and I are getting to the password thing. That part feels more overwhelming than anything else. Thanks for this excerpt. Wonderful story and insight.
one way to make the password thing easier is to set up a password manager that has a matter password or passkey and then you can just share the login information for the password manager 🙂
All such thoughtful comments! I'm 55. Spouse is 62. We talk about all this, esp since we care for our aging mother's, but honestly, talk is about all we've done. Let's revise that - I talk he kind of laughs and gets weird and nervous around the topic. I have a song I want played at my celebration of life- Xavier Rudd's "follow the sun" and I've told my girls, ages 16 and 26 what mountain top I want my ashes scattered at, though with my husband's bad hips he'd never make it to the top- but our will is old and outdated. I've had forms to write up a new one on my desk for over a year. I've been reading alot about mushroom burial and green burials in general, but so far it's not much more than a fuzzy idea. One thing no one here has mentioned is pets. Where they will go if they outlive you. I read somewhere recently that a dog should be allowed to see their dead owners body, because animals understand death. This way they won't think they've just been abandoned. Lots to think about . Lots to do. I'm going to buy this book and make a plan!
My husband and I are similar. He seems to think it's somehow alarmist to concern myself with this, as if death doesn't come for everyone. But he is 62 and has had some friends die suddenly of heart attacks. Time for us to pay attention to this! Interesting about pets and their need to perceive their owners' passings/
62 isn't too young! I had a heart attack at 63 and no one, not even my doctors, would have predicted it!
I’m Scottish but left aged 15 because my family don’t family very well. My only child (daughter) was born and brought up in England and was brought up to be proud to be English. I’ve kept my family at arms length but over the years my daughter’s witnessed major dramas rolling on in the background (some of it quite heavy) and has grown to despise all things Scottish, particularly the people. The current political craziness has further cemented her beliefs.
When I pass, I want to go home, I didn’t leave Scotland because I didn’t like Scotland, I left because it wasn’t safe for me to stay.
I want to leave a request for my daughter to take my ashes home and disperse them for me. I know she’ll comply but she’s so angry with Scottish people and how I’ve been treated that I know the trip would be extremely stressful for her and she’d do it through gritted teeth. I wouldn’t want to subject her to that, and that kind of energy wouldn’t reflect my life so I wouldn’t want it to be part of my death.
This topic is fresh in my mind because we buried my MIL last week and hubby and I were up in Scotland for the funeral. So, thank you for creating a space where I could say what I feel out loud. To me it sometimes seems like a non-problem and I should just do the usual cremation thing but I want to go home. I love my country, I love the people and it’s where my soul belongs. 🏴❤️
Thanks for sharing, and condolences on your MIL's passing.