What a fantastic read. Nearing a truthful and much deserved 73, I'm living the do-over life. Not in the physical realm, for I have long ago, traded in my Henri Bendel/ Bergorf Goodman wardrobe, for an L.L.Bean kinda lifestyle. Toss in an array of thrift shop eccentricities, and you have a the causal classic. Life is too short , they say, I say it all happens in a day. Grab your favorite tee shirt, either literally or metaphorically and color your world to suit your soul. So, yes, my grey is coming in...finally, but hey, I figure I look the way I look and that's fine with me...well except when I'm watching reruns of Sex in the City. I love the saying "you do you" . Thanks for the great article.
This is funny. O.K. here I am, the 73 year old weighing in. When I was in my late thirties, I had a mentor who was in her late 50's. She was telling me about the stage of the Crone. At that time, I thought, I hope I never live long enough to be considered a crone, but alas, sooner or later, all things can become covetable. I have heard women in their 40's declaring crone status. Not to say that it's impossible, but highly unlikely.
Funny thing about aging, first there's you're not old enough, then there's act your age, only to end up at your opinion doesn't really matter anymore.
And that sums up why I believe it is of utmost importance to discover who you are. Separate yourself from age, titles and other descriptive categories.
Sit with the knowingness you have developed over the many or few years you have been on this planet, and know that only you can do what you do. So do it tothe finest and for G-D's sake do it damn well.
It's the luck of the genes ... I always said that if there is someone our there with the gene that allows you to eat all you want and not get fat...I'll be more than happy to trade
I loved this whole thing. And now off to buy your book. But oh... have to warn you. 50 was indeed the new 40, 60 the new 50 but 70 is 70. I hope you prove me wrong!!! Thanks for this lovely essay On Vanity!
also I waited until maybe 72 to get rid of my often too dark dye. and now am thrilled. it was a long arduous process. ugh. but love my gray hair now. Never would have done it before 70. My mom dyed hers until 97!! looked great. I got too lazy!
I think the trick is not to stay too dark. That's a giveaway for sure. My “plan” is to go gradually lighter and lighter so that when I finally do go gray, the transition won't feel too alarming. We'll see how that works out!
I know. crazy. but as you say..that is what she wanted. She was happy! And it was lighter... mine I ended up being what I called tobacco colored hair..but sometimes it would be too dark. since I did it myself. Ha!I wish, I really do wish I had gone gray before 70. Now it is accepted much more and many more women are doing it. I wish I had thought to wonder why I wanted to look younger. There is another wonderful sub stack called How Not to Fuck Up Your Face. All about women and our attitudes towards beauty and ourselves.
You will LOVE your 50s... those were my favorite years!!!
Love this piece. So much of it speaks to me. I work in the public eye under bright lights. I'm not going down without a fight until 70. Until then I'm coloring my hair, trying magic potions, doing a bit of filler and a one-spot botox treatment. I'm not delusional. At some point none of this will do what its supposed to do. But for now each time I hit that bright light I'm confident in my own skin I'm doing the best I can. Just for today. Great read.
For me it isn't exhausting, not yet. It is an indulgence. I call it self-care. And I love the time I spend with my stylist. I think of her a friend I get to hang out with once a month. I agree that it is entirely unfair that men get to age as they are. Cary Grant starred next to Audrey Hepburn in Charade. In a new movie, George Clooney gets to be a handsome gray-haired guy, while Julia Roberts still colors her hair. It is profoundly unfair. However...I personally don't find dad bods sexy. I want to feel healthy to the best of my ability. So far, my experience of aging is that it is a “lose it or use it” situation. If I don't push myself to exercise more than my lazy self wants to, well then I feel old and creaky. And for sure when hair coloring starts to feel like a chore, I will know it's time to stop.
Exhausting? Yes, to some degree. Expensive? Yes, also to some degree. Peace of mind? Priceless.
If I were a man this would all be moot. But I'm not and can't compare.
Like someone mentioned I'll know when it's time to let go. But for now upkeep is a necessity for keeping my job and being able to look in the mirror without total self disdain.
I grew up feeling ugly. I had buck teeth, pock marked skin, and a host of other issues. I was ridiculed and on top of that had serious hormonal issues. That was the start.
Today I'm choosing to heal at the finish what was once so emotionally challenging in the beginning.
I don't know what the answer to all of this is. Here's what I do know. The solution won't likely be found in my lifetime. We all have choices and luckily opportunities to help us age gracefully, no matter what this looks like.
If I were born in a different place and time (certainly another country and an earlier era) I might have done things differently.
I don't feel we are setting examples for younger women. Things change so rapidly that by the time they are starting to age it will be drastically different for them too.
I think you managing your choices thoughtfully and with grace. For anyone working in the public eye, appearances do matter. Maybe it shouldn't be this way, but it is. And I agree that the next generations will find their own resolution. For now, we each have our choices to make, and I love that you make your choices from a place of self-healing.
I started reading this post and thought hmmmm, this reminds me of a book I loved that I read a few years ago. LOL! It's this one!
So, IMO, anyone who hasn't read Perfection should. I thought about it long after I'd finished, and clearly it still resides in my head today. At the time, I thought umami was mistranslated as "perfection" and wondered about the title. I'm going to re-read and see if my brain has caught up to my psyche, which tells me the title is, well, perfect.
Hi Bette: Thanks for reading! And for the book endorsement;-) The title of my memoir was, of course, ironic...a nod to the book on umami that my late husband was researching before he died.
As I learned the term, umami is the moment of peak perfection, usually related to food, as in fruit ripeness or optimal mouthfeel of meat or sauces. It is “The Fifth Taste.” The title of my book came from a book my late husband was working on , which was to have been a food book.
Loved this piece, Julie, and loved your book, Perfection, which I read years ago. Btw, I, too, am in denial about aging and happily color my grey hair back to its former brunette status, with a few highlights tossed in for fun. :)
“Instagram knows that there is almost no anti-wrinkle product I won’t consider trying” LOL, that is soooo me but with eyeshadow application that corrects hooded eyes! Julie, I’m re-reading Perfection through the audio book version and love it more the second time around. Your writing is sublime. Loved Eva and Eve as well. Cheers.
I loved coming upon this today when I was just checking in to see what I'd missed lately. I'm in an odd, in-between stage with respect to appearance. I let my hair go grey but I also let it grow long and have it layered in a way I'd always liked when I was younger. After years of failure, I have found and pay bid dollars for a bra that fits. I wear makeup - not a lot -- but I am proficient and comfortable after years of avoiding it. I'm in my sixties and feeling, not younger, but good. Very good. Thanks for the great piece. I'll check out your book!
Coming to this late, and I loved every word. I too can't let myself go gray--I last about three weeks, then out comes the henna and indigo. Thanks for this!
I enjoyed this so much. At 52 I am in deep denial (and deep perimenopause) but mostly because I want to continue to live as if I have all the time in the world. A lot of it is vanity but a lot of it is a refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!
Oh heavens! Quiet? Boring? The body may fade, but while I have my mind and voice I still can cause a ruckus.
The older you get the less you care about what society thinks. I have reached that turning point at 69. I was in the public eye also, tried going gray for a little bit, but found that I wasn’t getting respect from my peers in the professional world. So I went back to coloring my hair. Now I am retiring and my hair is going gray. It actually looks pretty good!
I never say that we older women are quiet or boring...quite the opposite. There is an unfortunate invisibility that women experience as they age, which is why I love Oldster. We are all here writing and reading and living our lives out loud. I have ideas for my future gray hair...long braid? stylish bob? Haven't decided yet.
That was a response to a previous comment. The order may have been shuffled. "refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!" And I vote for stylish bob.
I don’t think society thinks older women should be quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. There is actually a tradition of the wise crone who speaks her mind freely and is looked to for advice and strength, who carries the culture.
Agreed, but in some societies there is much more respect for older women than we generally see here, where the predominant force is youth culture. We need the wisdom of all ages to join together.
What a fantastic read. Nearing a truthful and much deserved 73, I'm living the do-over life. Not in the physical realm, for I have long ago, traded in my Henri Bendel/ Bergorf Goodman wardrobe, for an L.L.Bean kinda lifestyle. Toss in an array of thrift shop eccentricities, and you have a the causal classic. Life is too short , they say, I say it all happens in a day. Grab your favorite tee shirt, either literally or metaphorically and color your world to suit your soul. So, yes, my grey is coming in...finally, but hey, I figure I look the way I look and that's fine with me...well except when I'm watching reruns of Sex in the City. I love the saying "you do you" . Thanks for the great article.
Thanks for reading!
I see my math game fooled some readers...lol...I am not 73, not yet.
This is funny. O.K. here I am, the 73 year old weighing in. When I was in my late thirties, I had a mentor who was in her late 50's. She was telling me about the stage of the Crone. At that time, I thought, I hope I never live long enough to be considered a crone, but alas, sooner or later, all things can become covetable. I have heard women in their 40's declaring crone status. Not to say that it's impossible, but highly unlikely.
Funny thing about aging, first there's you're not old enough, then there's act your age, only to end up at your opinion doesn't really matter anymore.
And that sums up why I believe it is of utmost importance to discover who you are. Separate yourself from age, titles and other descriptive categories.
Sit with the knowingness you have developed over the many or few years you have been on this planet, and know that only you can do what you do. So do it tothe finest and for G-D's sake do it damn well.
Absolutely!!!
It's the luck of the genes ... I always said that if there is someone our there with the gene that allows you to eat all you want and not get fat...I'll be more than happy to trade
LOL for sure!
I loved this whole thing. And now off to buy your book. But oh... have to warn you. 50 was indeed the new 40, 60 the new 50 but 70 is 70. I hope you prove me wrong!!! Thanks for this lovely essay On Vanity!
Thank you!
also I waited until maybe 72 to get rid of my often too dark dye. and now am thrilled. it was a long arduous process. ugh. but love my gray hair now. Never would have done it before 70. My mom dyed hers until 97!! looked great. I got too lazy!
I think the trick is not to stay too dark. That's a giveaway for sure. My “plan” is to go gradually lighter and lighter so that when I finally do go gray, the transition won't feel too alarming. We'll see how that works out!
I know. crazy. but as you say..that is what she wanted. She was happy! And it was lighter... mine I ended up being what I called tobacco colored hair..but sometimes it would be too dark. since I did it myself. Ha!I wish, I really do wish I had gone gray before 70. Now it is accepted much more and many more women are doing it. I wish I had thought to wonder why I wanted to look younger. There is another wonderful sub stack called How Not to Fuck Up Your Face. All about women and our attitudes towards beauty and ourselves.
You will LOVE your 50s... those were my favorite years!!!
I will report back when 70 arrives!
Love this piece. So much of it speaks to me. I work in the public eye under bright lights. I'm not going down without a fight until 70. Until then I'm coloring my hair, trying magic potions, doing a bit of filler and a one-spot botox treatment. I'm not delusional. At some point none of this will do what its supposed to do. But for now each time I hit that bright light I'm confident in my own skin I'm doing the best I can. Just for today. Great read.
Thanks for reading!
For me it isn't exhausting, not yet. It is an indulgence. I call it self-care. And I love the time I spend with my stylist. I think of her a friend I get to hang out with once a month. I agree that it is entirely unfair that men get to age as they are. Cary Grant starred next to Audrey Hepburn in Charade. In a new movie, George Clooney gets to be a handsome gray-haired guy, while Julia Roberts still colors her hair. It is profoundly unfair. However...I personally don't find dad bods sexy. I want to feel healthy to the best of my ability. So far, my experience of aging is that it is a “lose it or use it” situation. If I don't push myself to exercise more than my lazy self wants to, well then I feel old and creaky. And for sure when hair coloring starts to feel like a chore, I will know it's time to stop.
Yes, indeed, all true...
Exhausting? Yes, to some degree. Expensive? Yes, also to some degree. Peace of mind? Priceless.
If I were a man this would all be moot. But I'm not and can't compare.
Like someone mentioned I'll know when it's time to let go. But for now upkeep is a necessity for keeping my job and being able to look in the mirror without total self disdain.
I grew up feeling ugly. I had buck teeth, pock marked skin, and a host of other issues. I was ridiculed and on top of that had serious hormonal issues. That was the start.
Today I'm choosing to heal at the finish what was once so emotionally challenging in the beginning.
I don't know what the answer to all of this is. Here's what I do know. The solution won't likely be found in my lifetime. We all have choices and luckily opportunities to help us age gracefully, no matter what this looks like.
If I were born in a different place and time (certainly another country and an earlier era) I might have done things differently.
I don't feel we are setting examples for younger women. Things change so rapidly that by the time they are starting to age it will be drastically different for them too.
I think you managing your choices thoughtfully and with grace. For anyone working in the public eye, appearances do matter. Maybe it shouldn't be this way, but it is. And I agree that the next generations will find their own resolution. For now, we each have our choices to make, and I love that you make your choices from a place of self-healing.
Thank you Julie. I appreciate your kind words.
I started reading this post and thought hmmmm, this reminds me of a book I loved that I read a few years ago. LOL! It's this one!
So, IMO, anyone who hasn't read Perfection should. I thought about it long after I'd finished, and clearly it still resides in my head today. At the time, I thought umami was mistranslated as "perfection" and wondered about the title. I'm going to re-read and see if my brain has caught up to my psyche, which tells me the title is, well, perfect.
Hi Bette: Thanks for reading! And for the book endorsement;-) The title of my memoir was, of course, ironic...a nod to the book on umami that my late husband was researching before he died.
Julie, to this day whenever I see the word "umami," I think of your book.
Ah, thank you!
Yes, exactly. I still think, though, that umami does not translate to "perfection."
As I learned the term, umami is the moment of peak perfection, usually related to food, as in fruit ripeness or optimal mouthfeel of meat or sauces. It is “The Fifth Taste.” The title of my book came from a book my late husband was working on , which was to have been a food book.
Loved this piece, Julie, and loved your book, Perfection, which I read years ago. Btw, I, too, am in denial about aging and happily color my grey hair back to its former brunette status, with a few highlights tossed in for fun. :)
Another denier! ;-) Thanks for reading!
I loved this essay! And my blond hair isn’t going anywhere.
“Instagram knows that there is almost no anti-wrinkle product I won’t consider trying” LOL, that is soooo me but with eyeshadow application that corrects hooded eyes! Julie, I’m re-reading Perfection through the audio book version and love it more the second time around. Your writing is sublime. Loved Eva and Eve as well. Cheers.
Thank you!
Lovely words. Thanks for this Julie! I’m with ya!
Anne-christine (Tell Me Everything ‘stack).
I loved coming upon this today when I was just checking in to see what I'd missed lately. I'm in an odd, in-between stage with respect to appearance. I let my hair go grey but I also let it grow long and have it layered in a way I'd always liked when I was younger. After years of failure, I have found and pay bid dollars for a bra that fits. I wear makeup - not a lot -- but I am proficient and comfortable after years of avoiding it. I'm in my sixties and feeling, not younger, but good. Very good. Thanks for the great piece. I'll check out your book!
Thank you for reading!
Coming to this late, and I loved every word. I too can't let myself go gray--I last about three weeks, then out comes the henna and indigo. Thanks for this!
Thanks for reading!
Love the attitude; do not go gentle into the night.
BTW, most men age eventually, grow old and much more lonely then women, except a few lucky escape artists.
A stunning essay. I love your writing and look forward to reading Perfection.
Oh, and I will adamantly maintain my auburn locks as long as possible.
Thank you for reading!
love this !
Thank you!
I enjoyed this so much. At 52 I am in deep denial (and deep perimenopause) but mostly because I want to continue to live as if I have all the time in the world. A lot of it is vanity but a lot of it is a refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!
I approve! ;-)
Oh heavens! Quiet? Boring? The body may fade, but while I have my mind and voice I still can cause a ruckus.
The older you get the less you care about what society thinks. I have reached that turning point at 69. I was in the public eye also, tried going gray for a little bit, but found that I wasn’t getting respect from my peers in the professional world. So I went back to coloring my hair. Now I am retiring and my hair is going gray. It actually looks pretty good!
I never say that we older women are quiet or boring...quite the opposite. There is an unfortunate invisibility that women experience as they age, which is why I love Oldster. We are all here writing and reading and living our lives out loud. I have ideas for my future gray hair...long braid? stylish bob? Haven't decided yet.
That was a response to a previous comment. The order may have been shuffled. "refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!" And I vote for stylish bob.
I don’t think society thinks older women should be quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. There is actually a tradition of the wise crone who speaks her mind freely and is looked to for advice and strength, who carries the culture.
Agreed, but in some societies there is much more respect for older women than we generally see here, where the predominant force is youth culture. We need the wisdom of all ages to join together.
So relatable.
Another EXCELLENT read.