What a fantastic read. Nearing a truthful and much deserved 73, I'm living the do-over life. Not in the physical realm, for I have long ago, traded in my Henri Bendel/ Bergorf Goodman wardrobe, for an L.L.Bean kinda lifestyle. Toss in an array of thrift shop eccentricities, and you have a the causal classic. Life is too short , they say, I say it all happens in a day. Grab your favorite tee shirt, either literally or metaphorically and color your world to suit your soul. So, yes, my grey is coming in...finally, but hey, I figure I look the way I look and that's fine with me...well except when I'm watching reruns of Sex in the City. I love the saying "you do you" . Thanks for the great article.
Oh, that was a reply to a commenter who said she was 73 and just starting to get grays -- not to you!
But I do wonder -- why don't you reveal your age? Doesn't that perpetuate the whole idea that women should be ashamed of how many years we've been alive? Shouldn't we NOT be lying about, or completely hiding, our age??
Although, honestly, I've thought about lying about my age to the UPSIDE! I will turn 50 next year. What if I tell people who don't know me that I'm actually 70? Makes more sense than telling people I'm 35, right? If I say I'm 35, they'll probably think, "Damn, that's kind of a rough 35." But if I say I'm 70? They'll think I look INCREDIBLE. :)
This is funny. O.K. here I am, the 73 year old weighing in. When I was in my late thirties, I had a mentor who was in her late 50's. She was telling me about the stage of the Crone. At that time, I thought, I hope I never live long enough to be considered a crone, but alas, sooner or later, all things can become covetable. I have heard women in their 40's declaring crone status. Not to say that it's impossible, but highly unlikely.
Funny thing about aging, first there's you're not old enough, then there's act your age, only to end up at your opinion doesn't really matter anymore.
And that sums up why I believe it is of utmost importance to discover who you are. Separate yourself from age, titles and other descriptive categories.
Sit with the knowingness you have developed over the many or few years you have been on this planet, and know that only you can do what you do. So do it tothe finest and for G-D's sake do it damn well.
It's the luck of the genes ... I always said that if there is someone our there with the gene that allows you to eat all you want and not get fat...I'll be more than happy to trade
Yeah, genes are definitely key. I have good, mostly unlined skin (for now!), which is way more important to me than gray hair. I don't even associate gray with aging in my case BECAUSE I got my first grays at such a young age. So I don't agonize over it in the way people who start to get their grays when they ARE actually older seem to.
I loved this whole thing. And now off to buy your book. But oh... have to warn you. 50 was indeed the new 40, 60 the new 50 but 70 is 70. I hope you prove me wrong!!! Thanks for this lovely essay On Vanity!
also I waited until maybe 72 to get rid of my often too dark dye. and now am thrilled. it was a long arduous process. ugh. but love my gray hair now. Never would have done it before 70. My mom dyed hers until 97!! looked great. I got too lazy!
I think the trick is not to stay too dark. That's a giveaway for sure. My “plan” is to go gradually lighter and lighter so that when I finally do go gray, the transition won't feel too alarming. We'll see how that works out!
I have often thought that when I decide to truly go 100% gray (when my hair finally IS 100% gray), I may just shave it all off and start fresh. Seems like a fun kind of experiment, and whatever grows back will be untouched, healthy, virgin hair -- like that of a child, only silver! :) This is kind of thing for me, though -- I have always kind of wanted to shave my head, from the time I was a teen, to "start fresh," but I've never quite had the guts. I've gone short but not the whole deal.
Could also just cut it to around an inch in length.
Dark dye may be the biggest mistake for older women. I once heard a hair colorist say that the problem is that women are trying to get back the color of their youth, BUT they do not have the face of their youth. So it no longer matches. Yes, when you go prematurely gray, coloring it can make you look "younger" than you would if you did not. Because you still have your younger FACE.
But that benefit doesn't really exist at 75 or 80, because you are no longer fooling anyone -- so you just look like an older woman who colors her hair (and sometimes colors it BADLY).
I am 49 and started getting grays at 27. Such a pain in the ass. One thing I am looking forward to about getting older is going 100% gray (I know I will) and stopping the dye jobs. Honestly, the roots start showing two weeks later anyhow! Then you have to use sprays and powders to maintain. Such a waste of money and effort. I cannot imagine going through all of that at almost 100 years old, although good for your mom if that's what she wanted!
I know. crazy. but as you say..that is what she wanted. She was happy! And it was lighter... mine I ended up being what I called tobacco colored hair..but sometimes it would be too dark. since I did it myself. Ha!I wish, I really do wish I had gone gray before 70. Now it is accepted much more and many more women are doing it. I wish I had thought to wonder why I wanted to look younger. There is another wonderful sub stack called How Not to Fuck Up Your Face. All about women and our attitudes towards beauty and ourselves.
You will LOVE your 50s... those were my favorite years!!!
Hope that's true! It is the case so far that every decade has generally been better than the last, although sometimes I miss my 30s (I HATED my teens and 20s, so have very little nostalgia for those years and would not return to them for anything). But when I look at things OBJECTIVELY, my life is much better in my 40s than it was in my 30s.
At some point, things do stop being good, and then you die, haha. So I'll enjoy as long as I am able!
Haha! I am 49 and do not believe that anything is the new anything. It just is what it is. 50 is a very different world, especially as a woman, because you are clearly entering the menopausal years. THAT has not changed.
Love this piece. So much of it speaks to me. I work in the public eye under bright lights. I'm not going down without a fight until 70. Until then I'm coloring my hair, trying magic potions, doing a bit of filler and a one-spot botox treatment. I'm not delusional. At some point none of this will do what its supposed to do. But for now each time I hit that bright light I'm confident in my own skin I'm doing the best I can. Just for today. Great read.
It's all so exhausting, though, isn't it? And expensive. It adds so much stress to our later years. Men don't have to do any of this. They can lean into their "silver fox" grays, their "Dad bod" bellies are called sexy, every line on their face is just another sign of "wisdom," etc. Why can't we women be afforded this luxury? We do this to ourselves with our "denial" and then just make it all the worse for all of our sisters. In a way, I think we perpetuate the cycle of ageism against women in our culture.
For me it isn't exhausting, not yet. It is an indulgence. I call it self-care. And I love the time I spend with my stylist. I think of her a friend I get to hang out with once a month. I agree that it is entirely unfair that men get to age as they are. Cary Grant starred next to Audrey Hepburn in Charade. In a new movie, George Clooney gets to be a handsome gray-haired guy, while Julia Roberts still colors her hair. It is profoundly unfair. However...I personally don't find dad bods sexy. I want to feel healthy to the best of my ability. So far, my experience of aging is that it is a “lose it or use it” situation. If I don't push myself to exercise more than my lazy self wants to, well then I feel old and creaky. And for sure when hair coloring starts to feel like a chore, I will know it's time to stop.
George Clooney has PROBABLY gotten an injection or two here or there, and PROBABLY uses a bit of a rinse on those tresses to make them extra silver. :) Yes, men in Hollywood do get work done (some of them a lot, including facelifts -- hello, Tom Cruise and Rob Lowe!). So Hollywood can sometimes be a weird example, because it's such a different world from the rest. And let's face it -- how many men really look like Clooney?? That said, it's still FAR tougher for women in Hollywood than it is for men, and even though men do get work done, they are still allowed to have wrinkles and look essentially their age (just a better version of themselves), while women are supposed to remain completely unlined and youthful in a very different way (essentially, they are supposed to appear to be still fertile at 55).
Looking past Hollywood, I think the AVERAGE (straight) older guy has a much easier time than the AVERAGE woman when it comes to these things, not because he actually looks better (most older men are more Mitch McConnell than they are George Clooney) but because they are valued for so much OTHER than their looks. Their brains, their power, their money, etc. Women of all ages struggle to be accepted for THOSE things (many in our culture actually fear powerful women), so a lot more attention goes to their exterior, at all ages.
Exhausting? Yes, to some degree. Expensive? Yes, also to some degree. Peace of mind? Priceless.
If I were a man this would all be moot. But I'm not and can't compare.
Like someone mentioned I'll know when it's time to let go. But for now upkeep is a necessity for keeping my job and being able to look in the mirror without total self disdain.
I grew up feeling ugly. I had buck teeth, pock marked skin, and a host of other issues. I was ridiculed and on top of that had serious hormonal issues. That was the start.
Today I'm choosing to heal at the finish what was once so emotionally challenging in the beginning.
I don't know what the answer to all of this is. Here's what I do know. The solution won't likely be found in my lifetime. We all have choices and luckily opportunities to help us age gracefully, no matter what this looks like.
If I were born in a different place and time (certainly another country and an earlier era) I might have done things differently.
I don't feel we are setting examples for younger women. Things change so rapidly that by the time they are starting to age it will be drastically different for them too.
I think you managing your choices thoughtfully and with grace. For anyone working in the public eye, appearances do matter. Maybe it shouldn't be this way, but it is. And I agree that the next generations will find their own resolution. For now, we each have our choices to make, and I love that you make your choices from a place of self-healing.
I started reading this post and thought hmmmm, this reminds me of a book I loved that I read a few years ago. LOL! It's this one!
So, IMO, anyone who hasn't read Perfection should. I thought about it long after I'd finished, and clearly it still resides in my head today. At the time, I thought umami was mistranslated as "perfection" and wondered about the title. I'm going to re-read and see if my brain has caught up to my psyche, which tells me the title is, well, perfect.
Hi Bette: Thanks for reading! And for the book endorsement;-) The title of my memoir was, of course, ironic...a nod to the book on umami that my late husband was researching before he died.
As I learned the term, umami is the moment of peak perfection, usually related to food, as in fruit ripeness or optimal mouthfeel of meat or sauces. It is “The Fifth Taste.” The title of my book came from a book my late husband was working on , which was to have been a food book.
Loved this piece, Julie, and loved your book, Perfection, which I read years ago. Btw, I, too, am in denial about aging and happily color my grey hair back to its former brunette status, with a few highlights tossed in for fun. :)
I loved coming upon this today when I was just checking in to see what I'd missed lately. I'm in an odd, in-between stage with respect to appearance. I let my hair go grey but I also let it grow long and have it layered in a way I'd always liked when I was younger. After years of failure, I have found and pay bid dollars for a bra that fits. I wear makeup - not a lot -- but I am proficient and comfortable after years of avoiding it. I'm in my sixties and feeling, not younger, but good. Very good. Thanks for the great piece. I'll check out your book!
Coming to this late, and I loved every word. I too can't let myself go gray--I last about three weeks, then out comes the henna and indigo. Thanks for this!
I don't think that anyone argues that actual OLD MEN are generally considered sexy in our culture. Once men are 75, 80, walking around with liver spots and their pants sagging, they're pretty much done (unless they are billionaires). The "unfair" thing seems to be that women are thought to be at their "peak" at a much earlier age, when they are actually still pretty YOUNG, while men in their 50s and 60s can still be considered in their prime.
I think a large part of it is evolutionary, so there is not much that can be done about it. Women DO actually have one very important "expiration date" that men do not -- the loss of our fertility. Women by age 45 or 50 are typically at the end of their NATURAL reproductive years (yes, there are many medical interventions available now, but if you are purchasing the egg of a 23-year-old grad student to make a baby, that's obviously not "natural" reproduction), while men can continue to be fruitful and multiply essentially until death (yes, sperm value goes down, but it still WORKS, while eggs are decisively depleted).
The loss of fertility does lead to a loss of the "glow" that can attract the opposite sex. But of course, that doesn't mean older women can't and don't date, fall in love and get plenty of action after the age of 50. Of COURSE they do. But there is just a different cultural vibe.
There is also what seems to me to be an increasing amount of YOUNG men who want to date/have sex with older women, but that's a whole other topic (the cougar/MILF/Mrs. Robinson thing). But women I know in their 40s and 50s who are on dating apps say pretty much without exception that they get FAR more matches with 24- to 33-year-old men than they do with men their own age. Some enjoy that and take full advantage, but others are really not interested in going that young and would rather have a more mature partner. But the more mature men are more likely to be looking for younger women. I'm so glad I don't care about dating!
I enjoyed this so much. At 52 I am in deep denial (and deep perimenopause) but mostly because I want to continue to live as if I have all the time in the world. A lot of it is vanity but a lot of it is a refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!
Oh heavens! Quiet? Boring? The body may fade, but while I have my mind and voice I still can cause a ruckus.
The older you get the less you care about what society thinks. I have reached that turning point at 69. I was in the public eye also, tried going gray for a little bit, but found that I wasn’t getting respect from my peers in the professional world. So I went back to coloring my hair. Now I am retiring and my hair is going gray. It actually looks pretty good!
I never say that we older women are quiet or boring...quite the opposite. There is an unfortunate invisibility that women experience as they age, which is why I love Oldster. We are all here writing and reading and living our lives out loud. I have ideas for my future gray hair...long braid? stylish bob? Haven't decided yet.
That was a response to a previous comment. The order may have been shuffled. "refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!" And I vote for stylish bob.
I don’t think society thinks older women should be quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. There is actually a tradition of the wise crone who speaks her mind freely and is looked to for advice and strength, who carries the culture.
Agreed, but in some societies there is much more respect for older women than we generally see here, where the predominant force is youth culture. We need the wisdom of all ages to join together.
One more comment: I loved this piece. All of it. But rather than try to hang on to young beauty, which requires vigilance and effort, and where we can't compete and are doomed to failure, why not embrace the beauty of age, of a life lived well and a face that reflects it. Interior beauty is the ticket.
I know, I know. The powers that be won't accept it and we won't keep that job or lose that husband. I understand. We still need to accept, no! celebrate a full and rich womanhood at all stages.
I agree...my denial is somewhat of a private joke because I acknowledge my age and the lessons learned. I would never want to be 25 again. But for me, anything I do now for my physical body needs to feel like self care, not effort. The time I spend getting my hair done is fun for me, a time to hang out with a stylist I consider a friend, a time to actually relax... and when it all begins to feel like pointless effort that doesn't make me happy, then it won't be worth the time.
What a fantastic read. Nearing a truthful and much deserved 73, I'm living the do-over life. Not in the physical realm, for I have long ago, traded in my Henri Bendel/ Bergorf Goodman wardrobe, for an L.L.Bean kinda lifestyle. Toss in an array of thrift shop eccentricities, and you have a the causal classic. Life is too short , they say, I say it all happens in a day. Grab your favorite tee shirt, either literally or metaphorically and color your world to suit your soul. So, yes, my grey is coming in...finally, but hey, I figure I look the way I look and that's fine with me...well except when I'm watching reruns of Sex in the City. I love the saying "you do you" . Thanks for the great article.
Thanks for reading!
Your gray is JUST coming in at 73?!!! Consider yourself lucky. I got my first grays at 27!
I see my math game fooled some readers...lol...I am not 73, not yet.
Oh, that was a reply to a commenter who said she was 73 and just starting to get grays -- not to you!
But I do wonder -- why don't you reveal your age? Doesn't that perpetuate the whole idea that women should be ashamed of how many years we've been alive? Shouldn't we NOT be lying about, or completely hiding, our age??
Although, honestly, I've thought about lying about my age to the UPSIDE! I will turn 50 next year. What if I tell people who don't know me that I'm actually 70? Makes more sense than telling people I'm 35, right? If I say I'm 35, they'll probably think, "Damn, that's kind of a rough 35." But if I say I'm 70? They'll think I look INCREDIBLE. :)
This is funny. O.K. here I am, the 73 year old weighing in. When I was in my late thirties, I had a mentor who was in her late 50's. She was telling me about the stage of the Crone. At that time, I thought, I hope I never live long enough to be considered a crone, but alas, sooner or later, all things can become covetable. I have heard women in their 40's declaring crone status. Not to say that it's impossible, but highly unlikely.
Funny thing about aging, first there's you're not old enough, then there's act your age, only to end up at your opinion doesn't really matter anymore.
And that sums up why I believe it is of utmost importance to discover who you are. Separate yourself from age, titles and other descriptive categories.
Sit with the knowingness you have developed over the many or few years you have been on this planet, and know that only you can do what you do. So do it tothe finest and for G-D's sake do it damn well.
Absolutely!!!
It's the luck of the genes ... I always said that if there is someone our there with the gene that allows you to eat all you want and not get fat...I'll be more than happy to trade
LOL for sure!
Yeah, genes are definitely key. I have good, mostly unlined skin (for now!), which is way more important to me than gray hair. I don't even associate gray with aging in my case BECAUSE I got my first grays at such a young age. So I don't agonize over it in the way people who start to get their grays when they ARE actually older seem to.
I loved this whole thing. And now off to buy your book. But oh... have to warn you. 50 was indeed the new 40, 60 the new 50 but 70 is 70. I hope you prove me wrong!!! Thanks for this lovely essay On Vanity!
Thank you!
also I waited until maybe 72 to get rid of my often too dark dye. and now am thrilled. it was a long arduous process. ugh. but love my gray hair now. Never would have done it before 70. My mom dyed hers until 97!! looked great. I got too lazy!
I think the trick is not to stay too dark. That's a giveaway for sure. My “plan” is to go gradually lighter and lighter so that when I finally do go gray, the transition won't feel too alarming. We'll see how that works out!
I have often thought that when I decide to truly go 100% gray (when my hair finally IS 100% gray), I may just shave it all off and start fresh. Seems like a fun kind of experiment, and whatever grows back will be untouched, healthy, virgin hair -- like that of a child, only silver! :) This is kind of thing for me, though -- I have always kind of wanted to shave my head, from the time I was a teen, to "start fresh," but I've never quite had the guts. I've gone short but not the whole deal.
Could also just cut it to around an inch in length.
Dark dye may be the biggest mistake for older women. I once heard a hair colorist say that the problem is that women are trying to get back the color of their youth, BUT they do not have the face of their youth. So it no longer matches. Yes, when you go prematurely gray, coloring it can make you look "younger" than you would if you did not. Because you still have your younger FACE.
But that benefit doesn't really exist at 75 or 80, because you are no longer fooling anyone -- so you just look like an older woman who colors her hair (and sometimes colors it BADLY).
I am 49 and started getting grays at 27. Such a pain in the ass. One thing I am looking forward to about getting older is going 100% gray (I know I will) and stopping the dye jobs. Honestly, the roots start showing two weeks later anyhow! Then you have to use sprays and powders to maintain. Such a waste of money and effort. I cannot imagine going through all of that at almost 100 years old, although good for your mom if that's what she wanted!
I know. crazy. but as you say..that is what she wanted. She was happy! And it was lighter... mine I ended up being what I called tobacco colored hair..but sometimes it would be too dark. since I did it myself. Ha!I wish, I really do wish I had gone gray before 70. Now it is accepted much more and many more women are doing it. I wish I had thought to wonder why I wanted to look younger. There is another wonderful sub stack called How Not to Fuck Up Your Face. All about women and our attitudes towards beauty and ourselves.
You will LOVE your 50s... those were my favorite years!!!
Hope that's true! It is the case so far that every decade has generally been better than the last, although sometimes I miss my 30s (I HATED my teens and 20s, so have very little nostalgia for those years and would not return to them for anything). But when I look at things OBJECTIVELY, my life is much better in my 40s than it was in my 30s.
At some point, things do stop being good, and then you die, haha. So I'll enjoy as long as I am able!
I will report back when 70 arrives!
Haha! I am 49 and do not believe that anything is the new anything. It just is what it is. 50 is a very different world, especially as a woman, because you are clearly entering the menopausal years. THAT has not changed.
Love this piece. So much of it speaks to me. I work in the public eye under bright lights. I'm not going down without a fight until 70. Until then I'm coloring my hair, trying magic potions, doing a bit of filler and a one-spot botox treatment. I'm not delusional. At some point none of this will do what its supposed to do. But for now each time I hit that bright light I'm confident in my own skin I'm doing the best I can. Just for today. Great read.
Thanks for reading!
It's all so exhausting, though, isn't it? And expensive. It adds so much stress to our later years. Men don't have to do any of this. They can lean into their "silver fox" grays, their "Dad bod" bellies are called sexy, every line on their face is just another sign of "wisdom," etc. Why can't we women be afforded this luxury? We do this to ourselves with our "denial" and then just make it all the worse for all of our sisters. In a way, I think we perpetuate the cycle of ageism against women in our culture.
So what's the cure?
For me it isn't exhausting, not yet. It is an indulgence. I call it self-care. And I love the time I spend with my stylist. I think of her a friend I get to hang out with once a month. I agree that it is entirely unfair that men get to age as they are. Cary Grant starred next to Audrey Hepburn in Charade. In a new movie, George Clooney gets to be a handsome gray-haired guy, while Julia Roberts still colors her hair. It is profoundly unfair. However...I personally don't find dad bods sexy. I want to feel healthy to the best of my ability. So far, my experience of aging is that it is a “lose it or use it” situation. If I don't push myself to exercise more than my lazy self wants to, well then I feel old and creaky. And for sure when hair coloring starts to feel like a chore, I will know it's time to stop.
George Clooney has PROBABLY gotten an injection or two here or there, and PROBABLY uses a bit of a rinse on those tresses to make them extra silver. :) Yes, men in Hollywood do get work done (some of them a lot, including facelifts -- hello, Tom Cruise and Rob Lowe!). So Hollywood can sometimes be a weird example, because it's such a different world from the rest. And let's face it -- how many men really look like Clooney?? That said, it's still FAR tougher for women in Hollywood than it is for men, and even though men do get work done, they are still allowed to have wrinkles and look essentially their age (just a better version of themselves), while women are supposed to remain completely unlined and youthful in a very different way (essentially, they are supposed to appear to be still fertile at 55).
Looking past Hollywood, I think the AVERAGE (straight) older guy has a much easier time than the AVERAGE woman when it comes to these things, not because he actually looks better (most older men are more Mitch McConnell than they are George Clooney) but because they are valued for so much OTHER than their looks. Their brains, their power, their money, etc. Women of all ages struggle to be accepted for THOSE things (many in our culture actually fear powerful women), so a lot more attention goes to their exterior, at all ages.
It's all very unfortunate.
Yes, indeed, all true...
Exhausting? Yes, to some degree. Expensive? Yes, also to some degree. Peace of mind? Priceless.
If I were a man this would all be moot. But I'm not and can't compare.
Like someone mentioned I'll know when it's time to let go. But for now upkeep is a necessity for keeping my job and being able to look in the mirror without total self disdain.
I grew up feeling ugly. I had buck teeth, pock marked skin, and a host of other issues. I was ridiculed and on top of that had serious hormonal issues. That was the start.
Today I'm choosing to heal at the finish what was once so emotionally challenging in the beginning.
I don't know what the answer to all of this is. Here's what I do know. The solution won't likely be found in my lifetime. We all have choices and luckily opportunities to help us age gracefully, no matter what this looks like.
If I were born in a different place and time (certainly another country and an earlier era) I might have done things differently.
I don't feel we are setting examples for younger women. Things change so rapidly that by the time they are starting to age it will be drastically different for them too.
I think you managing your choices thoughtfully and with grace. For anyone working in the public eye, appearances do matter. Maybe it shouldn't be this way, but it is. And I agree that the next generations will find their own resolution. For now, we each have our choices to make, and I love that you make your choices from a place of self-healing.
Thank you Julie. I appreciate your kind words.
I started reading this post and thought hmmmm, this reminds me of a book I loved that I read a few years ago. LOL! It's this one!
So, IMO, anyone who hasn't read Perfection should. I thought about it long after I'd finished, and clearly it still resides in my head today. At the time, I thought umami was mistranslated as "perfection" and wondered about the title. I'm going to re-read and see if my brain has caught up to my psyche, which tells me the title is, well, perfect.
Hi Bette: Thanks for reading! And for the book endorsement;-) The title of my memoir was, of course, ironic...a nod to the book on umami that my late husband was researching before he died.
Julie, to this day whenever I see the word "umami," I think of your book.
Ah, thank you!
Yes, exactly. I still think, though, that umami does not translate to "perfection."
As I learned the term, umami is the moment of peak perfection, usually related to food, as in fruit ripeness or optimal mouthfeel of meat or sauces. It is “The Fifth Taste.” The title of my book came from a book my late husband was working on , which was to have been a food book.
Loved this piece, Julie, and loved your book, Perfection, which I read years ago. Btw, I, too, am in denial about aging and happily color my grey hair back to its former brunette status, with a few highlights tossed in for fun. :)
Another denier! ;-) Thanks for reading!
I loved this essay! And my blond hair isn’t going anywhere.
Lovely words. Thanks for this Julie! I’m with ya!
Anne-christine (Tell Me Everything ‘stack).
I loved coming upon this today when I was just checking in to see what I'd missed lately. I'm in an odd, in-between stage with respect to appearance. I let my hair go grey but I also let it grow long and have it layered in a way I'd always liked when I was younger. After years of failure, I have found and pay bid dollars for a bra that fits. I wear makeup - not a lot -- but I am proficient and comfortable after years of avoiding it. I'm in my sixties and feeling, not younger, but good. Very good. Thanks for the great piece. I'll check out your book!
Thank you for reading!
Coming to this late, and I loved every word. I too can't let myself go gray--I last about three weeks, then out comes the henna and indigo. Thanks for this!
Thanks for reading!
Love the attitude; do not go gentle into the night.
BTW, most men age eventually, grow old and much more lonely then women, except a few lucky escape artists.
Men die sooner, too.
I don't think that anyone argues that actual OLD MEN are generally considered sexy in our culture. Once men are 75, 80, walking around with liver spots and their pants sagging, they're pretty much done (unless they are billionaires). The "unfair" thing seems to be that women are thought to be at their "peak" at a much earlier age, when they are actually still pretty YOUNG, while men in their 50s and 60s can still be considered in their prime.
I think a large part of it is evolutionary, so there is not much that can be done about it. Women DO actually have one very important "expiration date" that men do not -- the loss of our fertility. Women by age 45 or 50 are typically at the end of their NATURAL reproductive years (yes, there are many medical interventions available now, but if you are purchasing the egg of a 23-year-old grad student to make a baby, that's obviously not "natural" reproduction), while men can continue to be fruitful and multiply essentially until death (yes, sperm value goes down, but it still WORKS, while eggs are decisively depleted).
The loss of fertility does lead to a loss of the "glow" that can attract the opposite sex. But of course, that doesn't mean older women can't and don't date, fall in love and get plenty of action after the age of 50. Of COURSE they do. But there is just a different cultural vibe.
There is also what seems to me to be an increasing amount of YOUNG men who want to date/have sex with older women, but that's a whole other topic (the cougar/MILF/Mrs. Robinson thing). But women I know in their 40s and 50s who are on dating apps say pretty much without exception that they get FAR more matches with 24- to 33-year-old men than they do with men their own age. Some enjoy that and take full advantage, but others are really not interested in going that young and would rather have a more mature partner. But the more mature men are more likely to be looking for younger women. I'm so glad I don't care about dating!
A stunning essay. I love your writing and look forward to reading Perfection.
Oh, and I will adamantly maintain my auburn locks as long as possible.
Thank you for reading!
love this !
Thank you!
I enjoyed this so much. At 52 I am in deep denial (and deep perimenopause) but mostly because I want to continue to live as if I have all the time in the world. A lot of it is vanity but a lot of it is a refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!
I approve! ;-)
I think there is more of a stereotype of older women being loud, zany and eccentric than "quiet" and "out of it."
Oh heavens! Quiet? Boring? The body may fade, but while I have my mind and voice I still can cause a ruckus.
The older you get the less you care about what society thinks. I have reached that turning point at 69. I was in the public eye also, tried going gray for a little bit, but found that I wasn’t getting respect from my peers in the professional world. So I went back to coloring my hair. Now I am retiring and my hair is going gray. It actually looks pretty good!
I never say that we older women are quiet or boring...quite the opposite. There is an unfortunate invisibility that women experience as they age, which is why I love Oldster. We are all here writing and reading and living our lives out loud. I have ideas for my future gray hair...long braid? stylish bob? Haven't decided yet.
That was a response to a previous comment. The order may have been shuffled. "refusal to become what society expects of aging women -- quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. I will not go gently!" And I vote for stylish bob.
I don’t think society thinks older women should be quiet, boring, out of it, asexual. There is actually a tradition of the wise crone who speaks her mind freely and is looked to for advice and strength, who carries the culture.
Agreed, but in some societies there is much more respect for older women than we generally see here, where the predominant force is youth culture. We need the wisdom of all ages to join together.
So relatable.
Another EXCELLENT read.
One more comment: I loved this piece. All of it. But rather than try to hang on to young beauty, which requires vigilance and effort, and where we can't compete and are doomed to failure, why not embrace the beauty of age, of a life lived well and a face that reflects it. Interior beauty is the ticket.
I know, I know. The powers that be won't accept it and we won't keep that job or lose that husband. I understand. We still need to accept, no! celebrate a full and rich womanhood at all stages.
I agree...my denial is somewhat of a private joke because I acknowledge my age and the lessons learned. I would never want to be 25 again. But for me, anything I do now for my physical body needs to feel like self care, not effort. The time I spend getting my hair done is fun for me, a time to hang out with a stylist I consider a friend, a time to actually relax... and when it all begins to feel like pointless effort that doesn't make me happy, then it won't be worth the time.