At 50 it doesn't stop. Fifty, for me, was 40 more evolved and far more interesting. At 60, in 2017, I put on a pink pussy hat and picked up a picket sign for the first time. I felt so grown up, so full of agency, so ME, so US. In two months I'll turn 67, and my first book comes out next spring. If 70 arrives and I'm healthy in body, mind, and spirit, I'll find new metaphorical mountains to climb. You're bold and gorgeous at 59, Sari, as is your mom in her mid-80s. Onward, with verve! 💕
It never stops ever! I love what you are doing - why do we need to be "age appropriate - whatever that means - still so much sexism around women too - more so than men - we can all lead by example - as you!
Sari, so glad you've seen the light -- your gorgeousness is undeniable (love the worn-in jeans concept!). I'm trying hard to get where you are when I look in the mirror. I mostly fail. But you're helping. That picture of you and your mom: JUST BEAUTIFUL. Thanks.
YIKES! That Naturally A Girl video! I think that's the one they played at the sixth-grade presentation where all girls needed a permission slip to attend and the teachers taped construction paper over the windows of the auditorium so the boys couldn't peek in.
At 61 I was standing in the shower this morning, thinking how I’m “middle-aged”” and then realizing by society standards I’m old!! LOL! I’m finding my 60s to be incredibly liberating. Like you, I have cellulite and lines I’d like to wish away-but that’s still because our culture wants everything smooth and nubile. A well-worn pair of jeans, indeed!!
I so resonate with this experience. I like myself, my body, and my life so much more now than I ever did when I was younger. Getting older suits me temperamentally somehow, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. I wasn't planning on seeing the movie (I don't do horror), but I'm even less likely now. I want to consume media about women who are enlivened by getting older. Not that they deny the realities and complications, but who are appreciative of what they get to be and do now instead of pining for what was.
I never saw Naturally A Girl! I think it was thanks to Judy Blume that I knew my breasts would itch and that one day I’d have my period, but I thought I was rotting from the inside when I began to have normal vaginal discharge at the onset of my pre-Are You There, God… “fertile” years, and I walked around in dread of a gross, gorey end for what seemed like years (but probably wasn’t).
Anyway, as someone who always looked younger than my years, I can relate to Demi Moore and the resentment people feel towards her, but man, I had to resent being forced to try to look even YOUNGER than the young I looked, as I got older and dealt with the same invisible aging everyone else has to face. Working in fashion, can you believe people would literally gasp and point to a white hair as if there was a mouse in my hair or something. Ridiculous. I had to own my hot flashes in front of these laughing ageists. My husband at the time was an older man well-known for favoring younger women, and I used to joke that he had finally gotten what he wanted when he met me — someone they couldn’t accuse of being an inappropriate age for him, just of looking so. By the time he died, I was rapidly approaching the age his wife was when they divorced (before he met me), and I found that intriguing and a little liberating — I never expected to be with him forever, anyway, and had no intention of doing anything to artificially preserve my youth to keep him, either. (As it was, he died before he could see me age further).
Now that I’m the same age as you, Sari, the horror is mostly in how people think it’s natural for me to indefinitely sacrifice my life in order to care for my aging (and totally ungrateful, and toxic, I might add) mother, as if their admiration and approval of me for doing so were enough to compensate for the reduction in my income, energy, and morale. The further horror is in knowing that even without seeing me, on paper, I’m obviously “too old” to be considered for jobs I might apply for once I’m freed up from this duty.
And yeah, there’s the physical weird stuff — I wonder if having my menopause a decade earlier would have reduced the toll it took on my body. Maybe there should be a form of HRT that allows us to rush that up, and have menopause in our 40s — or whenever we please —, so we don’t have to spend our already harder 50’s getting no sleep for all those night sweats! Glad THOSE are over at least! :) I feel like I’m going to spend my 60’s recovering from my 50s.
I hear you on all of this, Carolita! And I love this line: "I feel like I’m going to spend my 60’s recovering from my 50s." Menopause is a hell of a ride, but for me it's a walk in the park compared to what happened before that. <3
I think you will find 60 is pretty sensational, especially with your attitude. I vaguely remember it, but I CLEARLY remember those body horrors I suffered for so many years and how wonderful it was when that ended. It took a hysterectomy to do the job, and that was not fun, but I had no choice. Thanks for the trip down memory lane for this 80 year old, I think I might feel a little younger today thanks to you!.
I love this post, Sari! I had the same experience - the real “body horror” happened to me as a younger woman, for all the reasons you mentioned. The freedom and acceptance I feel in my body today is bliss compared to what I felt before. You’re amazing, and will be even more so in your 60s. 💕
Thank you, Leanna, andfor letting me know how much your relate. Glad you enjoyed this. <3 PS Great to get to finally meet you in person at the Emory Ideas Festival!
"Newly beautiful, in different ways than before." I love this so much, Sari- it's such a wonderful reframing, and a powerful counterpoint to the insidious cultural programming that is so deeply embedded. I could not agree with you more on all of this- yes, there are aches and pains and other not-so-welcome changes, but there's SO much that's just better with age...
I am 51. I haven't seen The Substance, but I am getting tired of movies, TV shows, articles/essays and books telling us -- even in a satirical manner -- that, for a woman, nothing is worse than aging and the loss of our youthful, cherubic, dewy fertile years. Can't we get past this already and just, ya know -- live??? Men seem to be able to do this at 50, quite well in our culture, so why is it such a big deal for those of us with vaginas?
There is also a certain irony to Demi Moore's publicity tour, in which she is talking about how women need to learn to accept themselves, but showing us a face that has clearly been altered enormously through procedures (I don't know that I would call it YOUTHFUL, honestly, it is just -- something done up to some version of Hollywood style perfection).
Now, I have no problem with women doing whatever they want to their faces and bodies, and Demi is lovely. I'm glad for her that she has had this kind of comeback in her career. But I also feel that, with Demi and her many interviewers on the publicity circuit ignoring the very obvious fact that she HAS caved into what the movie seems to be railing against and is sitting there with a BRAND NEW FACE, the whole thing seems somewhat phony. In other words, something just doesn't sit quite right with me about that movie and the promotion surrounding it. It feels icky. Maybe I'd feel differently if I saw the movie.
On the other hand, I recently saw an interview with Jodie Foster, who looks -- like the 60-year-old woman she is, lines and all. And is also beautiful. She was talking quite openly about how her 50s, as an actress, were very difficult, because in this decade, women are in between worlds -- they are often still trying to cling to a youth that is slipping away, but they also aren't quite ready for the "wizened crone" roles or what have you, so they just don't know where they fit. The 50s are another "awkward phase," like adolescence, just closer to death.
But she said that, at 60, something fell into place and she suddenly felt her confidence return. She KNEW what she wanted to be, and she felt that she could embark upon a new journey of very interesting roles, without having to worry about clinging to anything anymore. I guess she was essentially saying -- at 60, the jig is up. And, she said, it's GREAT.
Now, I'm not an actress and can't imagine being in that world, but I still felt comforted by what she said. Far more so than by anything I've seen so far about The Substance, which I think might just make me feel bad about being 51, even though I understand that the movie is trying to do the opposite (maybe?).
I do think in terms of having work done - yes of course if you have the money and inclination - then yes - but but - why is carving your face up a good thing? I see faces across the age spectrum and non are more beautiful or less. What are we supposed to look like anyway - we in the West I think conflate choice with freedom - but I wonder if how attention should be on far more important things? I am also tired of discussions as you say even with satire - I listented to a review on Front Row BBC radio 4 - it was curious to me the two men were singing it's praises - the female commentator - really was very ambivalent - it is struck me that the two males did not really get the pressure we as women are still under - I also wonder about the idea that women are also only concerned about appearances, that we compete with each other - that all this gore and blood -
BTW, I LOVE your gray hair. I wish it weren't such a big deal in our culture for women to go gray. Men are celebrated for their "silver foxy" locks. When women go gray, even though it can look JUST as good if not better than when men do, it's called "brave." This is so stupid. I don't know how we can end it, though. It just seems to get worse as our society becomes increasingly ageist, especially toward middle-aged women.
Thank you Sari. I appreciate the way you're observing being human in all its winding ways. I love your curiosity, sharp insights and humor.
I had painful fibroids and massive bleeding for years before finally getting a hysterectomy at 49. I also felt profoundly better afterward. It transformed me in ways I couldn't imagine. That said, I don't think a hysterectomy is the antidote for everyone in any way. It just was for me.
Now, at 72, I am so grateful for the rich and vital life I have. It's still full of ups and downs, and so much good stuff.
At 50 it doesn't stop. Fifty, for me, was 40 more evolved and far more interesting. At 60, in 2017, I put on a pink pussy hat and picked up a picket sign for the first time. I felt so grown up, so full of agency, so ME, so US. In two months I'll turn 67, and my first book comes out next spring. If 70 arrives and I'm healthy in body, mind, and spirit, I'll find new metaphorical mountains to climb. You're bold and gorgeous at 59, Sari, as is your mom in her mid-80s. Onward, with verve! 💕
I love this! Thank you. And congrats on the book! <3
It never stops ever! I love what you are doing - why do we need to be "age appropriate - whatever that means - still so much sexism around women too - more so than men - we can all lead by example - as you!
Sari, so glad you've seen the light -- your gorgeousness is undeniable (love the worn-in jeans concept!). I'm trying hard to get where you are when I look in the mirror. I mostly fail. But you're helping. That picture of you and your mom: JUST BEAUTIFUL. Thanks.
Awww, thanks, Tammy. <3
YIKES! That Naturally A Girl video! I think that's the one they played at the sixth-grade presentation where all girls needed a permission slip to attend and the teachers taped construction paper over the windows of the auditorium so the boys couldn't peek in.
Yup! That's the one. I have an essay about it coming out in an anthology next year.
With a bit of luck, Sari, there'll come a time when you see 60 as dewy.
I have a hunch you're right.
At 61 I was standing in the shower this morning, thinking how I’m “middle-aged”” and then realizing by society standards I’m old!! LOL! I’m finding my 60s to be incredibly liberating. Like you, I have cellulite and lines I’d like to wish away-but that’s still because our culture wants everything smooth and nubile. A well-worn pair of jeans, indeed!!
<3
I so resonate with this experience. I like myself, my body, and my life so much more now than I ever did when I was younger. Getting older suits me temperamentally somehow, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. I wasn't planning on seeing the movie (I don't do horror), but I'm even less likely now. I want to consume media about women who are enlivened by getting older. Not that they deny the realities and complications, but who are appreciative of what they get to be and do now instead of pining for what was.
Getting ready for 70 next week. 60s were terrific for all those reasons -- great piece, Sari!
Great to hear! Thank you, Susan.
Great column, Sari. It once again reminded me how easy it is to be male.
Thank you, Richard. 💕
I never saw Naturally A Girl! I think it was thanks to Judy Blume that I knew my breasts would itch and that one day I’d have my period, but I thought I was rotting from the inside when I began to have normal vaginal discharge at the onset of my pre-Are You There, God… “fertile” years, and I walked around in dread of a gross, gorey end for what seemed like years (but probably wasn’t).
Anyway, as someone who always looked younger than my years, I can relate to Demi Moore and the resentment people feel towards her, but man, I had to resent being forced to try to look even YOUNGER than the young I looked, as I got older and dealt with the same invisible aging everyone else has to face. Working in fashion, can you believe people would literally gasp and point to a white hair as if there was a mouse in my hair or something. Ridiculous. I had to own my hot flashes in front of these laughing ageists. My husband at the time was an older man well-known for favoring younger women, and I used to joke that he had finally gotten what he wanted when he met me — someone they couldn’t accuse of being an inappropriate age for him, just of looking so. By the time he died, I was rapidly approaching the age his wife was when they divorced (before he met me), and I found that intriguing and a little liberating — I never expected to be with him forever, anyway, and had no intention of doing anything to artificially preserve my youth to keep him, either. (As it was, he died before he could see me age further).
Now that I’m the same age as you, Sari, the horror is mostly in how people think it’s natural for me to indefinitely sacrifice my life in order to care for my aging (and totally ungrateful, and toxic, I might add) mother, as if their admiration and approval of me for doing so were enough to compensate for the reduction in my income, energy, and morale. The further horror is in knowing that even without seeing me, on paper, I’m obviously “too old” to be considered for jobs I might apply for once I’m freed up from this duty.
And yeah, there’s the physical weird stuff — I wonder if having my menopause a decade earlier would have reduced the toll it took on my body. Maybe there should be a form of HRT that allows us to rush that up, and have menopause in our 40s — or whenever we please —, so we don’t have to spend our already harder 50’s getting no sleep for all those night sweats! Glad THOSE are over at least! :) I feel like I’m going to spend my 60’s recovering from my 50s.
I hear you on all of this, Carolita! And I love this line: "I feel like I’m going to spend my 60’s recovering from my 50s." Menopause is a hell of a ride, but for me it's a walk in the park compared to what happened before that. <3
I think you will find 60 is pretty sensational, especially with your attitude. I vaguely remember it, but I CLEARLY remember those body horrors I suffered for so many years and how wonderful it was when that ended. It took a hysterectomy to do the job, and that was not fun, but I had no choice. Thanks for the trip down memory lane for this 80 year old, I think I might feel a little younger today thanks to you!.
Oh, nice! Happy to help! Glad you liked this. <3
I love this post, Sari! I had the same experience - the real “body horror” happened to me as a younger woman, for all the reasons you mentioned. The freedom and acceptance I feel in my body today is bliss compared to what I felt before. You’re amazing, and will be even more so in your 60s. 💕
Thank you, Leanna, andfor letting me know how much your relate. Glad you enjoyed this. <3 PS Great to get to finally meet you in person at the Emory Ideas Festival!
It is telling don't you think that Demi is 11 years older - what does that say about casting women age appropriately.
It seems nonsensical that the idea that beauty fades or that we are less attractive somehow - it is just different
My menopause will not die - it may even outlive me I reckon!
But - I wonder if we all find a way to refuse to accept this cliche narrative - it only holds power when we let it - each of us can rebel
"Newly beautiful, in different ways than before." I love this so much, Sari- it's such a wonderful reframing, and a powerful counterpoint to the insidious cultural programming that is so deeply embedded. I could not agree with you more on all of this- yes, there are aches and pains and other not-so-welcome changes, but there's SO much that's just better with age...
Thank you, Dina. Glad to know how much this resonated for you. 💕
I am 51. I haven't seen The Substance, but I am getting tired of movies, TV shows, articles/essays and books telling us -- even in a satirical manner -- that, for a woman, nothing is worse than aging and the loss of our youthful, cherubic, dewy fertile years. Can't we get past this already and just, ya know -- live??? Men seem to be able to do this at 50, quite well in our culture, so why is it such a big deal for those of us with vaginas?
There is also a certain irony to Demi Moore's publicity tour, in which she is talking about how women need to learn to accept themselves, but showing us a face that has clearly been altered enormously through procedures (I don't know that I would call it YOUTHFUL, honestly, it is just -- something done up to some version of Hollywood style perfection).
Now, I have no problem with women doing whatever they want to their faces and bodies, and Demi is lovely. I'm glad for her that she has had this kind of comeback in her career. But I also feel that, with Demi and her many interviewers on the publicity circuit ignoring the very obvious fact that she HAS caved into what the movie seems to be railing against and is sitting there with a BRAND NEW FACE, the whole thing seems somewhat phony. In other words, something just doesn't sit quite right with me about that movie and the promotion surrounding it. It feels icky. Maybe I'd feel differently if I saw the movie.
On the other hand, I recently saw an interview with Jodie Foster, who looks -- like the 60-year-old woman she is, lines and all. And is also beautiful. She was talking quite openly about how her 50s, as an actress, were very difficult, because in this decade, women are in between worlds -- they are often still trying to cling to a youth that is slipping away, but they also aren't quite ready for the "wizened crone" roles or what have you, so they just don't know where they fit. The 50s are another "awkward phase," like adolescence, just closer to death.
But she said that, at 60, something fell into place and she suddenly felt her confidence return. She KNEW what she wanted to be, and she felt that she could embark upon a new journey of very interesting roles, without having to worry about clinging to anything anymore. I guess she was essentially saying -- at 60, the jig is up. And, she said, it's GREAT.
Now, I'm not an actress and can't imagine being in that world, but I still felt comforted by what she said. Far more so than by anything I've seen so far about The Substance, which I think might just make me feel bad about being 51, even though I understand that the movie is trying to do the opposite (maybe?).
I do think in terms of having work done - yes of course if you have the money and inclination - then yes - but but - why is carving your face up a good thing? I see faces across the age spectrum and non are more beautiful or less. What are we supposed to look like anyway - we in the West I think conflate choice with freedom - but I wonder if how attention should be on far more important things? I am also tired of discussions as you say even with satire - I listented to a review on Front Row BBC radio 4 - it was curious to me the two men were singing it's praises - the female commentator - really was very ambivalent - it is struck me that the two males did not really get the pressure we as women are still under - I also wonder about the idea that women are also only concerned about appearances, that we compete with each other - that all this gore and blood -
I hear you. And, yes, this movie’s message, if it has one, is very muddled.
BTW, I LOVE your gray hair. I wish it weren't such a big deal in our culture for women to go gray. Men are celebrated for their "silver foxy" locks. When women go gray, even though it can look JUST as good if not better than when men do, it's called "brave." This is so stupid. I don't know how we can end it, though. It just seems to get worse as our society becomes increasingly ageist, especially toward middle-aged women.
Sari, what a beautiful post!!
Thanks, Patricia!
Thank you Sari. I appreciate the way you're observing being human in all its winding ways. I love your curiosity, sharp insights and humor.
I had painful fibroids and massive bleeding for years before finally getting a hysterectomy at 49. I also felt profoundly better afterward. It transformed me in ways I couldn't imagine. That said, I don't think a hysterectomy is the antidote for everyone in any way. It just was for me.
Now, at 72, I am so grateful for the rich and vital life I have. It's still full of ups and downs, and so much good stuff.
Thanks, Catherine! Yes, hysterectomy isn’t for everyone. But the end of menses is a welcome change for many.