I have felt weird and ashamed and guilty for most of my life about what has seemed like a mysterious inability to maintain more than a few long-term female friendships. I tell myself that I've attracted crazy-ish women, and there's truth there. I attract crazy men too - that's what being raised by a mentally ill dad will do for you. There is a part of me that finds sane people boring. Thanks, Dad.
But what's also true is that I'm naked, just as you describe. Every big feeling I have (and it seems most of my feelings are outsized) is writ large on my face: anger, impatience, eagerness, yearning. It is, for many, too much, and there are those who've made sure I know it.
"Wow, Maggie, tell us what you really think." Um, I was? I thought that's what people actually do? I'm not interested in diluted opinions or withheld communication. I have a filter, but it's fairly permeable. Some people love this about me. Others, clearly, do not.
I've grieved my lost friendships and opportunities over the years, and it's one of those things I whip myself with when I can't sleep, when I am trapped in what I call the Red Room of Regret and Recrimination.
Your piece made me think, for perhaps the first time, that all this is okay. Thank you.
Wow baby, did you ever nail this messy, heartbreaking female friendship thing. I’ve been trying to write about my BBF who dismissed me after 45 years with no explanation, and failing to nail why it hurts so much. You have in this piece. Thank you! I am naked and she was always fully clothed explains a lot. I love how your mind works. Rock on, sister…….
The barbarian lunchroom... Dead. I mean, the whole thing slayed me. (Was seen/heard more than once.) Female friendships are hard. I'm not often invited to sit at the table because I do say what's on my mind, not always filtered, not always tactfully, often directly, but never intending to be cruel. Funny the number of folks who aren't comfortable with that. Especially coming out of a seemingly-sweet woman's mouth. Somehow, I end up on the razor's edge of certain friendships, either too attentive or not attentive enough (not sure why people think I'm a mind-reader). I have good friends but am realizing we probably aren't close friends. Not in the sense where we are constantly or even regularly in touch. They are people I can trust and rely on...but at a distance. And that's probably on me. Thank you, Laurie. This was incredible. xo
“My job as a feminist is to wreck the party where the civilized people eat.“ I was thinking this today, on my way to a funeral, wondering why, but resigned to it since I can’t seem to help it. I have an engraved heart pendant that has my initials on one side and “feminist killjoy” on the other, which I sometimes wear that side front to save time and sometimes the other hidden way, when I need to hide— but it’s pretty futile to try to hide.
I used to be the friend of men rather than women, but no more, and it’s a relief. I’m far from a girly girl, and used to force myself to go get pedicures and talk about retail therapy and boyfriends with my women friends. It was exhausting. However, I’ll gladly talk about questions of anatomy and bodily functions and all the other embarrassing stuff: I’m here for all the things no one has anyone else to ask or confide in. I guess that makes me one of the naked ones, reporting back from the field.
Fact: i am always delighted to hear someone “hates” me because it’s usually for a valid reason I won’t back down from.
And yet, yes, now and then a woman friend will disappear without warning and I’m truly wounded. I have no dignity and will ask why, and assume guilt for being a bad, selfish friend, checking in yearly for at least a few years even with no reply forthcoming. They know where to find me, anyway.
Maybe this is how writers are?
For me, I needed to stop myself after decades of being an exhaustingly “too good” a friend, if that makes any sense. I just cant do it anymore. Especially after being married to a man: in many ways I’m drained and can only be counted on for the big stuff or the emergencies.
Too many thoughts? This piece really resonated! Thank you for writing it.
“Perhaps the truth is I didn't care enough to change. I didn't want to do the work. I wanted to do the work I’m doing here, writing. I find it interesting that I know, more than ever, what I actually look like to others and at the same time feel less wounded by the understanding.”
this is one of the best pieces you've ever posted. i love it. also loved heti's book. when i read it years ago, i thought i'd never read a book so emphatically, unapologetically, about examining female friendships. imagine that. i've been lucky in mine. but the two ruptures i had were deeply shocking, and irreparable.
Wow, the naked vs fully clothed thing! I’m also 76 and the threads of two lifelong friendships have pulled and frayed, possibly beyond repair should any one of us care to try. Even though I fault each of them for this and that, essentially I blame myself, and yesterday hated myself to tears. Today after reading your piece, I feel gentler. Thank you.
May 11, 2023·edited May 11, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Laurie Stone
Thank you. This gives me an entirely new framework for thinking about my own female friendships - past, present, and maybe future (though I never seem to learn from what I learn). I have experienced triangles, and generally not from the two positions of strength, and I hope you will write more on yours. My first experience, like yours, was as the excluded/included angle in the one formed by my mother, my twin sister, and me. That experience has had a lasting impact for sure, though I haven't taken the time to think about how it has affected my relationships with women. My twin sister and my mother are still going strong in their triangle. I got out long ago but was immediately replaced by my younger sister, who had always felt excluded from the triangle and apparently didn't realize there was a sucker angle to it. She seems grateful for her special seat inside, as the butt of their jokes.
May 11, 2023·edited May 11, 2023Liked by Sari Botton, Laurie Stone
My mom, a sixties feminist, always told me to keep a close circle of girl friends. But that didn't work for me, you are right, the soft place is unreliable. And it gnaws at me, as a true blue seventies feminist, that even decades old womanships have died off in irritation and/or disinterest. Is it because we don't feel we have to commit, as we do with our beloved male partners? Fly by night. Survival of the fittest? Is there no sisterhood? As a feminist since I was a kid, I believe in that shit, so it is hard for me to accept. And yet the reality is in front of us. We are still second class citizens and we fight for our real estate on this earth?
oh, boom. I never had close female friends, or even friendships (except for the one girl on my street who was my school friend: we were silly together until puberty, when the rocks began appearing in my slice of cake). Boys didn’t hide being smart, so I was more comfortable. Even at college, where I was accused of being a lipstick feminist (ah, the ‘80s), there were more relationships of all kinds, but I did not leave with a circle of female friends.
Sometime around 40, when I had settled in a different country, I realized I was hanging out with women for the first time ever. And at 50, five of us went on a riding holiday together. Now almost 60, there are women that are important for me -- and I for them. I think that’s what it is.
One woman who progressed from acquaintance to soul sister during the corona years-- coup de foudre, mutually-- has been distancing herself for the past half year. I was mystified, confused, hurt... and have been quietly withdrawing to politeness level. Reading your piece made me see this relationship from a different angle. Thank you for that.
Nailed it on the friend-coffin. It’s not just you. Women are the mean girls in HS grown up. This is why I have maybe two close friends and am over the moon for my sisters. I wrote a humor essay about friends. It’s a timeless topic. Love your honesty.
I have felt weird and ashamed and guilty for most of my life about what has seemed like a mysterious inability to maintain more than a few long-term female friendships. I tell myself that I've attracted crazy-ish women, and there's truth there. I attract crazy men too - that's what being raised by a mentally ill dad will do for you. There is a part of me that finds sane people boring. Thanks, Dad.
But what's also true is that I'm naked, just as you describe. Every big feeling I have (and it seems most of my feelings are outsized) is writ large on my face: anger, impatience, eagerness, yearning. It is, for many, too much, and there are those who've made sure I know it.
"Wow, Maggie, tell us what you really think." Um, I was? I thought that's what people actually do? I'm not interested in diluted opinions or withheld communication. I have a filter, but it's fairly permeable. Some people love this about me. Others, clearly, do not.
I've grieved my lost friendships and opportunities over the years, and it's one of those things I whip myself with when I can't sleep, when I am trapped in what I call the Red Room of Regret and Recrimination.
Your piece made me think, for perhaps the first time, that all this is okay. Thank you.
Wow baby, did you ever nail this messy, heartbreaking female friendship thing. I’ve been trying to write about my BBF who dismissed me after 45 years with no explanation, and failing to nail why it hurts so much. You have in this piece. Thank you! I am naked and she was always fully clothed explains a lot. I love how your mind works. Rock on, sister…….
The barbarian lunchroom... Dead. I mean, the whole thing slayed me. (Was seen/heard more than once.) Female friendships are hard. I'm not often invited to sit at the table because I do say what's on my mind, not always filtered, not always tactfully, often directly, but never intending to be cruel. Funny the number of folks who aren't comfortable with that. Especially coming out of a seemingly-sweet woman's mouth. Somehow, I end up on the razor's edge of certain friendships, either too attentive or not attentive enough (not sure why people think I'm a mind-reader). I have good friends but am realizing we probably aren't close friends. Not in the sense where we are constantly or even regularly in touch. They are people I can trust and rely on...but at a distance. And that's probably on me. Thank you, Laurie. This was incredible. xo
Oh, "cake with a rock inside", what a phrase! So painful and so true.
I absolutely love this. One of the best things I’ve ever read. It’s brilliant and beautiful and so honest and raw.
“My job as a feminist is to wreck the party where the civilized people eat.“ I was thinking this today, on my way to a funeral, wondering why, but resigned to it since I can’t seem to help it. I have an engraved heart pendant that has my initials on one side and “feminist killjoy” on the other, which I sometimes wear that side front to save time and sometimes the other hidden way, when I need to hide— but it’s pretty futile to try to hide.
I used to be the friend of men rather than women, but no more, and it’s a relief. I’m far from a girly girl, and used to force myself to go get pedicures and talk about retail therapy and boyfriends with my women friends. It was exhausting. However, I’ll gladly talk about questions of anatomy and bodily functions and all the other embarrassing stuff: I’m here for all the things no one has anyone else to ask or confide in. I guess that makes me one of the naked ones, reporting back from the field.
Fact: i am always delighted to hear someone “hates” me because it’s usually for a valid reason I won’t back down from.
And yet, yes, now and then a woman friend will disappear without warning and I’m truly wounded. I have no dignity and will ask why, and assume guilt for being a bad, selfish friend, checking in yearly for at least a few years even with no reply forthcoming. They know where to find me, anyway.
Maybe this is how writers are?
For me, I needed to stop myself after decades of being an exhaustingly “too good” a friend, if that makes any sense. I just cant do it anymore. Especially after being married to a man: in many ways I’m drained and can only be counted on for the big stuff or the emergencies.
Too many thoughts? This piece really resonated! Thank you for writing it.
This is a beautiful piece of writing, and wisdom:
“Perhaps the truth is I didn't care enough to change. I didn't want to do the work. I wanted to do the work I’m doing here, writing. I find it interesting that I know, more than ever, what I actually look like to others and at the same time feel less wounded by the understanding.”
PS friendship is really hard if you care.
this is one of the best pieces you've ever posted. i love it. also loved heti's book. when i read it years ago, i thought i'd never read a book so emphatically, unapologetically, about examining female friendships. imagine that. i've been lucky in mine. but the two ruptures i had were deeply shocking, and irreparable.
I read this fantastic piece & all the comments (you know I really like a piece when I read all the comments, too!) and I thought, "I belong here."
Wow, the naked vs fully clothed thing! I’m also 76 and the threads of two lifelong friendships have pulled and frayed, possibly beyond repair should any one of us care to try. Even though I fault each of them for this and that, essentially I blame myself, and yesterday hated myself to tears. Today after reading your piece, I feel gentler. Thank you.
Thank you. This gives me an entirely new framework for thinking about my own female friendships - past, present, and maybe future (though I never seem to learn from what I learn). I have experienced triangles, and generally not from the two positions of strength, and I hope you will write more on yours. My first experience, like yours, was as the excluded/included angle in the one formed by my mother, my twin sister, and me. That experience has had a lasting impact for sure, though I haven't taken the time to think about how it has affected my relationships with women. My twin sister and my mother are still going strong in their triangle. I got out long ago but was immediately replaced by my younger sister, who had always felt excluded from the triangle and apparently didn't realize there was a sucker angle to it. She seems grateful for her special seat inside, as the butt of their jokes.
Devastating. Beautiful. Thank you.
Oh yeah I know. XX
My mom, a sixties feminist, always told me to keep a close circle of girl friends. But that didn't work for me, you are right, the soft place is unreliable. And it gnaws at me, as a true blue seventies feminist, that even decades old womanships have died off in irritation and/or disinterest. Is it because we don't feel we have to commit, as we do with our beloved male partners? Fly by night. Survival of the fittest? Is there no sisterhood? As a feminist since I was a kid, I believe in that shit, so it is hard for me to accept. And yet the reality is in front of us. We are still second class citizens and we fight for our real estate on this earth?
oh, boom. I never had close female friends, or even friendships (except for the one girl on my street who was my school friend: we were silly together until puberty, when the rocks began appearing in my slice of cake). Boys didn’t hide being smart, so I was more comfortable. Even at college, where I was accused of being a lipstick feminist (ah, the ‘80s), there were more relationships of all kinds, but I did not leave with a circle of female friends.
Sometime around 40, when I had settled in a different country, I realized I was hanging out with women for the first time ever. And at 50, five of us went on a riding holiday together. Now almost 60, there are women that are important for me -- and I for them. I think that’s what it is.
One woman who progressed from acquaintance to soul sister during the corona years-- coup de foudre, mutually-- has been distancing herself for the past half year. I was mystified, confused, hurt... and have been quietly withdrawing to politeness level. Reading your piece made me see this relationship from a different angle. Thank you for that.
Nailed it on the friend-coffin. It’s not just you. Women are the mean girls in HS grown up. This is why I have maybe two close friends and am over the moon for my sisters. I wrote a humor essay about friends. It’s a timeless topic. Love your honesty.