There are so many things to appreciate here, it hard to know where to begin.
At 45 I left my husband of 27 years. I chose myself. Even those who saw the massive flaws in the marriage did not agree with my departure.
What about your sons? My sons learned that you cannot treat a good woman like shit and keep her in your life. That’s what. I wish I had said “You don’t have to agree with me “ and moved on. Instead, I spent a lot of time worrying that I had effed up my boys. One did not talk to me for a year. We are fine now; he told me a while back that he was upset when I left but now he sees how happy both his parents are in our new lives.
I left an unsatisfactory marriage at 45. At 45.5 I finally lived myself enough to find satisfaction everywhere, including between the sheets. My ex was selfish in every way. I did not switch teams but I met and later married a man younger than me who values himself and me equally.
It took til 45 to love myself well enough to “fuck well”. 😉
Everything about the book you are quoting and your response to it infuses me with power.
We women need to make choices for who we are, not who we are supposed to be. Thank you for the reinforcement of what my heart knows to be true.
Absolutely! I firmly believe that loving YOU is not selfish. It is self-care. If I am filled with love from the inside, it will spill out into everything I touch and everyone I meet. There is no big hole in me that needs to be filled by someone else. Because that (w)hole will never be filled with food, sex, money, stuff... it can only be filled when I find me, forgive me, accept me, and love me. It's almost full... there is a little mommy gap there that I patch but the patch falls in... I will continue to add layers of love until it is sturdy enough to paint the colours of my chosen life upon and that they will hold.
You did well, leaving at 45! It’s no way to live, just accommodating everyone else’s needs & never your own, but boy aren’t women socialised into that role. Everyone’s life is their own, but women seem to have to fight damn hard against every type of disapproval to live their lives the way they want to. Kudos to you. I’m glad you posted. 🙂
Thank you. Yes my first marriage was toxic. I chose life, literally, when I chose to leave.
My present life is amazing. It took a while to build it back up from a comfort and financial security perspective. Now it is all I ever dreamed of…. Well a bit more money to travel would make it 100% but that will come.
Wow. As a 47-year-old woman who quit practicing law to write a memoir about, among other things, shaving my head when I was a teenager in the '90s, clearly I need to read Constance Debre. I'm so interested in this urge that I, and so many other women, have in our 40s to pare down our lives and get back to what mattered to us in adolescence, before we became caretakers for other lives. Thank you for writing about this, Laurie!
What a great comment, perfect set of thoughts. You will love Constance. She's a great writer, and there is a link on the piece to ordering the book. Very happy to have you as a reader. xxL
Thanks you @laurie stone for your piece about this book and @sari Botton for publishing this and Oldster. I, too recently, almost 2 years ago, but it still feels trash, out of a marriage. This inspires me. Makes me feel like shaving my head, going swimming, and having sex with a lot of girls.
I love everything about this post and plan to order the book. I resonate so deeply with many of the comments here as well, and especially love the idea of using the themes you wrote about as a model for the next phase of life.
I'm 58 and my divorce from a 20 year marriage that should have ended before I said "I do", was final 2 years ago. Sadly, it was not my first rodeo in the marriage arena. As hard as the awakening to how deeply ingrained ideas of traditional womanhood and marriage as my only means to safety and stability were in me, I am profoundly grateful to have found my way through it. I'm finally finding my footing in my own life.
Thanks for the post today. It was a much needed dose of courage to keep going.
AH! This essay made me breathe like you do when you step out of a confined space into open air.
There is so much in it. She has haunting authority of an Outward Bound graduate who survived an avalanche that killed her companions. She's not complaining, about changes in her body or the way she does or doesn't get looked, but she's observing. She's in new territory every day. Now this is an essay about being older. Older as something we are in the middle of and not knowing where it is taking us. She is a true Oldster.
"I had a way, even before kindergarten, of sitting next to you at a bar and striking up a conversation. Before you knew it, I would get in your car and go home with you, and I would live with you until you kicked me out or I got bored"
and
"When you look back at your life, you hover like a ghost, and things become visible that were formerly in the shadows"
and
"Everyone’s life becomes an Outward Bound experience when they intentionally or accidentally break out of the mold they’ve been formed in"
and
"—all we have in life to guide us, truthfully, is sex fantasy and fashion."
it rings so true it stopped me hard, so I had to read it three times to read it through to the end.
"I think I would look good in antlers" is one of my favorite lines ever. I'm 78 and I do now call myself old 1) because I'm proud of how good I look, and 2) it automatically gives me a certain authority.
It offers a captivating exploration of self-discovery and societal expectations through the lens of personal experiences and literary analysis. The raw honesty and introspective tone of the narrative make it both thought-provoking and relatable. It's refreshing to encounter such candid reflections on life's transitions and the pursuit of authenticity.
Argh this one was AWESOME! I have antlers- they're made of driftwood- but I don't often wear them because they freak people out so much and also, take some manoeuvring (doorways, trees, crowds etc). I have a pair of vertiginously high platform heels I used to wear with them to take me above most people's face-level, for reasons of not poking anyone in the eye. Only once a man stamped and scraped his foot on the ground and lowered his head at me. I made them one Winter Solstice, and when I walked through the city wearing them (on my way to see the effigy burn in the lagoon), I felt energy-ripples radiating out from me. A very ancient silhouette.
Oh I LOVE this...I'm sure your antlers are quite beautiful. I can picture this. The stamping and lowering of the man's head is funny - it sounds very animalistic - he had to submit to you and did not like it!!
Great! That’s my new mantra for 2024 resist all understandings being pushed at me and rethink my wardrobe! I also really connect with the Thought about using the information with Pickup from the narratives of others, with respect to transformative moments new air box in their life, as applicable to getting older.
That is a hell of a question! What is the punk of old. i’m going to ponder that for quite some time. my immediate thought is engagement. It’s the opposite of what is expected. It’s truly nonconformist. Old people aren’t supposed to care about anything except getting enough fiber. To be a participant in life through experience, creativity, and interaction with other people at a whole new level. And most importantly, with head held high. Guess I’m old. but guess what kids I’m gonna show you how it’s done. Take your AirPods out and go make some thing. It’s as easy as the off button. I agree with you that death comes in the wake of adopting, the phrase grow old gracefully. I hope I never do such an awful thing. but after a certain age, and being retired, it’s kind of expected, and I feel this all the time, that I am obsolete and riding the trolley to boredom and isolation. To hell with all that and here’s a toast to our next plane ticket. to somewhere.
There are so many things to appreciate here, it hard to know where to begin.
At 45 I left my husband of 27 years. I chose myself. Even those who saw the massive flaws in the marriage did not agree with my departure.
What about your sons? My sons learned that you cannot treat a good woman like shit and keep her in your life. That’s what. I wish I had said “You don’t have to agree with me “ and moved on. Instead, I spent a lot of time worrying that I had effed up my boys. One did not talk to me for a year. We are fine now; he told me a while back that he was upset when I left but now he sees how happy both his parents are in our new lives.
I left an unsatisfactory marriage at 45. At 45.5 I finally lived myself enough to find satisfaction everywhere, including between the sheets. My ex was selfish in every way. I did not switch teams but I met and later married a man younger than me who values himself and me equally.
It took til 45 to love myself well enough to “fuck well”. 😉
Everything about the book you are quoting and your response to it infuses me with power.
We women need to make choices for who we are, not who we are supposed to be. Thank you for the reinforcement of what my heart knows to be true.
Read Constance, please. She is great. xxL
The most important words: "I choose myself." Let's all repeat it as much as we need to.
Absolutely! I firmly believe that loving YOU is not selfish. It is self-care. If I am filled with love from the inside, it will spill out into everything I touch and everyone I meet. There is no big hole in me that needs to be filled by someone else. Because that (w)hole will never be filled with food, sex, money, stuff... it can only be filled when I find me, forgive me, accept me, and love me. It's almost full... there is a little mommy gap there that I patch but the patch falls in... I will continue to add layers of love until it is sturdy enough to paint the colours of my chosen life upon and that they will hold.
You did well, leaving at 45! It’s no way to live, just accommodating everyone else’s needs & never your own, but boy aren’t women socialised into that role. Everyone’s life is their own, but women seem to have to fight damn hard against every type of disapproval to live their lives the way they want to. Kudos to you. I’m glad you posted. 🙂
Thank you. Yes my first marriage was toxic. I chose life, literally, when I chose to leave.
My present life is amazing. It took a while to build it back up from a comfort and financial security perspective. Now it is all I ever dreamed of…. Well a bit more money to travel would make it 100% but that will come.
Wow. As a 47-year-old woman who quit practicing law to write a memoir about, among other things, shaving my head when I was a teenager in the '90s, clearly I need to read Constance Debre. I'm so interested in this urge that I, and so many other women, have in our 40s to pare down our lives and get back to what mattered to us in adolescence, before we became caretakers for other lives. Thank you for writing about this, Laurie!
What a great comment, perfect set of thoughts. You will love Constance. She's a great writer, and there is a link on the piece to ordering the book. Very happy to have you as a reader. xxL
Dear, Laurie, I'm on the site to order the book now! The feelings are mutual. xoxo
Thanks you @laurie stone for your piece about this book and @sari Botton for publishing this and Oldster. I, too recently, almost 2 years ago, but it still feels trash, out of a marriage. This inspires me. Makes me feel like shaving my head, going swimming, and having sex with a lot of girls.
I know, right? xxL
At the risk of being tediously repetitious, let me say again, your writing is SO strong and powerful. Thank you. thank you.
Always take that risk! xxL
"Everyone's life becomes an Outward Bound experience" ooooof. Been there. Beautiful piece.
Ah, thanks. I'm happy it's appearing in Oldster.
I love everything about this post and plan to order the book. I resonate so deeply with many of the comments here as well, and especially love the idea of using the themes you wrote about as a model for the next phase of life.
I'm 58 and my divorce from a 20 year marriage that should have ended before I said "I do", was final 2 years ago. Sadly, it was not my first rodeo in the marriage arena. As hard as the awakening to how deeply ingrained ideas of traditional womanhood and marriage as my only means to safety and stability were in me, I am profoundly grateful to have found my way through it. I'm finally finding my footing in my own life.
Thanks for the post today. It was a much needed dose of courage to keep going.
I'm very happy to hear this spoke to you. xxL
AH! This essay made me breathe like you do when you step out of a confined space into open air.
There is so much in it. She has haunting authority of an Outward Bound graduate who survived an avalanche that killed her companions. She's not complaining, about changes in her body or the way she does or doesn't get looked, but she's observing. She's in new territory every day. Now this is an essay about being older. Older as something we are in the middle of and not knowing where it is taking us. She is a true Oldster.
"I had a way, even before kindergarten, of sitting next to you at a bar and striking up a conversation. Before you knew it, I would get in your car and go home with you, and I would live with you until you kicked me out or I got bored"
and
"When you look back at your life, you hover like a ghost, and things become visible that were formerly in the shadows"
and
"Everyone’s life becomes an Outward Bound experience when they intentionally or accidentally break out of the mold they’ve been formed in"
and
"—all we have in life to guide us, truthfully, is sex fantasy and fashion."
it rings so true it stopped me hard, so I had to read it three times to read it through to the end.
I love this!! Thank you.
"I think I would look good in antlers" is one of my favorite lines ever. I'm 78 and I do now call myself old 1) because I'm proud of how good I look, and 2) it automatically gives me a certain authority.
I think you would look good in antlers, too. You gotta read Constance. You will love her so much. xxL
I love everything Laurie Stone writes
My kinda girl. xxL
🤣🤣still fees “fresh” is what I intended to write, but still feels like trash is also true!
That ole ai spell checker has some funny assumptions.
It offers a captivating exploration of self-discovery and societal expectations through the lens of personal experiences and literary analysis. The raw honesty and introspective tone of the narrative make it both thought-provoking and relatable. It's refreshing to encounter such candid reflections on life's transitions and the pursuit of authenticity.
Holy shit! Grateful to wake up to this today... _()_
Well, that makes me happy. xxL
Fantastic piece! Thank you for introducing me to this author!
I'm excited and happy so many people have wanted to read Constance's book.
Argh this one was AWESOME! I have antlers- they're made of driftwood- but I don't often wear them because they freak people out so much and also, take some manoeuvring (doorways, trees, crowds etc). I have a pair of vertiginously high platform heels I used to wear with them to take me above most people's face-level, for reasons of not poking anyone in the eye. Only once a man stamped and scraped his foot on the ground and lowered his head at me. I made them one Winter Solstice, and when I walked through the city wearing them (on my way to see the effigy burn in the lagoon), I felt energy-ripples radiating out from me. A very ancient silhouette.
Antlers are a pretty universal accessory in my opinion. They suit pretty much everyone. Easy to make with string and sticks.
Oh I LOVE this...I'm sure your antlers are quite beautiful. I can picture this. The stamping and lowering of the man's head is funny - it sounds very animalistic - he had to submit to you and did not like it!!
Great! That’s my new mantra for 2024 resist all understandings being pushed at me and rethink my wardrobe! I also really connect with the Thought about using the information with Pickup from the narratives of others, with respect to transformative moments new air box in their life, as applicable to getting older.
Wonderful. Very happy you understand the piece. What is the punk of "old"?
That is a hell of a question! What is the punk of old. i’m going to ponder that for quite some time. my immediate thought is engagement. It’s the opposite of what is expected. It’s truly nonconformist. Old people aren’t supposed to care about anything except getting enough fiber. To be a participant in life through experience, creativity, and interaction with other people at a whole new level. And most importantly, with head held high. Guess I’m old. but guess what kids I’m gonna show you how it’s done. Take your AirPods out and go make some thing. It’s as easy as the off button. I agree with you that death comes in the wake of adopting, the phrase grow old gracefully. I hope I never do such an awful thing. but after a certain age, and being retired, it’s kind of expected, and I feel this all the time, that I am obsolete and riding the trolley to boredom and isolation. To hell with all that and here’s a toast to our next plane ticket. to somewhere.
My writing hopes it has nothing to teach anyone, old or young. It hopes it gives pleasure. Rock on.
"I don't care what you think and I don't need to know" - no better words to live by!
Yup.