Letter To My Younger Self # 6: “Don’t take things personally. And meditate!”
After emerging from a difficult year that reminds her of an earlier hard time, 61-year-old musician Ann Klein gives her 7-year-old self a pep talk.
Dear 7-year-old Ann,
I’m writing to you all the way from 61, one of the most challenging years of my life—a time that reminds me of what it was like to be you back then, a girl who’d just encountered her first heartaches and rejections in life.
Recently I was confronted by a setback which made me angry, and momentarily left me feeling hopeless. Then, as I was trying to find my way out of that emotional ditch, I thought of you, and how hard it was for you all those years ago. I realized that we both could use a pep talk. So here goes…
Like so many people, 7-year-old-Ann, you are beginning to face painful disappointments in life that seem almost impossible to overcome. When they occur, you know deep down, from your tailbone to your pineal gland, that you don’t deserve any of it, and that those who hurt you are wrong. But you don’t yet see a way around the feelings of despair that accompany those unfortunate incidents. It’s okay. You’re young. I’m here to tell you that in my early 60s—in the wake of that setback I mentioned above—I’ve finally found my way around hopelessness and despair. Yes, there’s a way past it. Trust me, things will get better.
Recently I was confronted by a setback which made me angry, and momentarily left me feeling hopeless. Then, as I was trying to find my way out of that emotional ditch, I thought of you, and how hard it was for you all those years ago. I realized that we both could use a pep talk.
Your first heartache comes in the form of two big, concurrent departures, by your father (your parents have split up and he has moved out) and oldest brother, who you worship. Their leaving is not because of anything having to do with you, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Before he died in 2005, your father, although brilliant, was a loner who didn’t want much to do with anything or anyone, including you. It’s just who he was. Your brother, 10 years your elder, took the normal path and went away to college that year.
At 7, it’s hard to make sense of these big, male figures in your life leaving at once. It’s easy for 61-year-old me to tell you not to take this, or any other rejections in life personally, but I know that’s a tall order for a 7-year-old. In the midst of this turmoil, your second eldest brother teases and tortures you. I guess that’s his immature emotional reaction to all this familial upheaval, and a new set of circumstances to adjust to at home.
At least you have your mom. You got lucky with her. She is brave in divorcing your Dad. She takes him to court for child support, goes to school, gets a degree to be a teacher. She does everything she can to achieve financial stability as a single parent—renting to tenants in the house, tutoring privately on the side, so you can live in a town with excellent schools, and take the guitar lessons that will start you down a path to becoming a professional. Her constantly chasing the dollar leads you to be alone a lot at a young age, often with strangers in your own house. That’s a lot for a little kid to handle. But you know it isn’t her fault, and appreciate that she does the absolute best she can.
Things aren’t only hard at home, though. In the midst of all this change in your family life, and one of your brothers being a jerk, kids at school torment you, too—for being Jewish, and for having really crooked teeth. It’s not easy being a Jewish kid in a WASPy town. You bet they’re going to reject you.
Don’t listen to the people who tell you being a guitarist isn’t for girls, or women. Yes, it’s a male-dominated field. But you are going to rise up in that field anyway. Maybe ignoring the sexism and misogyny will help you rise up faster.
Again: Don’t take it personally! Everything will be so much easier if you can learn to do that. I know, I know—a lot easier to achieve at 61 than 7. And obviously we’re both the same person—I can’t actually go back and change things just by giving you a pep talk; can’t have you act differently knowing what I know now, thus short-circuiting a lot of painful years, and arriving at this new good place sooner. But if it were possible, this is what I’d have you do:
Those mean jerks at school? What a bunch of losers! When they tease you, laugh at them. Later in life you might arrive at a place of compassion for them, and whatever it is that they’re going through. But in 1969, in the halls of your grade school, while they’re being brutal toward you? Laugh in their faces. That will help them find a little compassion for you. Or at least respect.
In the meantime, focus on your dreams of making music. Once you’ve had some lessons, you’ll start writing songs and playing them. Don’t listen to the people who tell you being a guitarist isn’t for girls, or women. Yes, it’s a male-dominated field. But you are going to rise up in that field anyway. Maybe ignoring the sexism and misogyny will help you rise up faster.
Oh, and you should also ignore the message that once you hit 30, you’re too old to keep getting work as a woman in this field. You’re going to keep making a living as a musician well after that. (I’m still getting hired right now, at 61.)
Go to music school! Saving money by teaching yourself, as you did instead, is a choice that comes at a price you can’t yet see; learning solo will cost you connections. You’re going to need collaborators. As you’re coming up, look for other musicians to play with, but never chase them. You don’t need to. Imagine people coming to your aid, and they will.
Stop being so certain people won’t like you and your artistry. Believe in yourself and your talent. Become confident in your abilities, even though no adult has ever helped you feel this way. Know, deep in your bones, that you have something of value to offer, and shrug off anyone who doesn’t see it. (I’ve finally learned the shrug, and it is everything.)
Oh, and you should also ignore the message that once you hit 30, you’re too old to keep getting work as a woman in this field. You’re going to keep making a living as a musician well after that. (I’m still getting hired right now, at 61.)
Maybe people would recognize your talent more readily if you weren’t so busy hiding. Look, I know—you’ve had every reason to want to hide. You’ve been bullied at home and at school. You’ve been told the thing you love is for boys. And you’re (understandably) very sensitive.
But that sensitivity of yours will keep you hidden beneath a protective shell that doesn’t serve you. Hiding beneath it only makes it take longer for you to get to do that thing you love to do. Break out of that protective shell, 7-year-old-Ann! Don’t wait more than 50 years for a major setback to force you into a tailspin, one that will help you finally realize you just can’t give a toss what other people think of you—that you can’t take it personally, any of it.
Granted, less than a year ago, I was still taking things personally. I’m new to the shrug. But I’ve been converted, and I want to convert you, too. Here’s my secret: I learned to meditate. I didn’t know what to do with my despair, and it led me in the direction of meditation, and it has been wonderful.
Now, for 15 minutes a day, I use guided meditation videos on YouTube. They help me detach from despair and other difficult emotions long enough for me to feel a sense of peace. Meditating helps me break out of an emotional tailspin, to neutralize my mental state. It quiets the emotional noise, and that helps me get back in touch with myself, and my artistry.
Break out of that protective shell, 7-year-old-Ann! Don’t wait more than 50 years for a major setback to force you into a tailspin, one that will help you finally realize you just can’t give a toss what other people think of you—that you can’t take it personally, any of it.
So, 7-year-old-Ann, I know there’s no YouTube in 1969, but there are a lot of hippies touting meditation. Hey, The Beatles are into it! Find a way to do it. It will help you get to know yourself so much sooner. It will help you overcome fear and biases, and loss and despair.
You are so close to a more peaceful you, one who is unaffected by other people’s aggression. Meditate every day, and you will become a force to be reckoned with—a positive force—before long.
Yours,
61-year-old-Ann
On Tuesday, March 12th, Ann Klein will be a featured artist at John Platt’s (WFUV) On Your Radar show at the Bitter End. Get tickets.
Previously Ann Klein was interviewed in Oldster about “Not Done Yet,” a song she-co-wrote with Mary Lee Kortes.
Here she is performing the song at The Bitter End with Will Lee on bass, Rob Arthur on keys, and Leo Sidran on percussion:
Check out the rest of the “Letter to My Younger Self” series.
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This is a good one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ENDYXqYxSI&list=WL&index=6
Also look up Joe Dispenza. He does a lot of lectures on why scientifically meditation is good.
Once you start watching stuff, your feed will fill up with all kinds of stuff. You can pick what resonates with you.
Re the shrug: just shrug it off. Let it roll off your back. Let it go….
Oh my goodness - this comment "Stop being so certain people won’t like you and your artistry. Believe in yourself and your talent." - the reason I gave up on my dream of leading a band for 20 years and only came back to it now, mid-30s. Imagine how far I'd be if I took that advice as a teen when I started guitar!