At 63, Victoria Waddle looks back at the sadistic kickboxing instructor who inadvertently helped her realize you don't have to finish everything you start.
So many of us stay uncomfortable in situations instead of leaving. Is this more true for women than men? I wonder. Time and again, I learn that “never give up” or “don’t quit” means - on myself. Not environmental conditions. Thank you for sharing the piece.😊
Sorry..I am an older male. But have the lifelong people pleasing can’t say no, must finish what I started issues that you wrote of. I think I could have written Learning When To Give Up, just not as well as you have.
It was my Cub Scout leader, a middle aged woman, who humiliated me in front of the pack, not the kindergarten teacher. I too choked down what was on the plate. In my case spaghetti with slices of slimy onion drenched in canned tomato sauce. Six marathons. Got the participation medals and the blisters. Bad thyroid. Have been fighting to keep my extra fifty pounds off for over twenty years and hiked over 15000 miles in the process. I heard you.
Oh, I have a thick binder filled with a lifetime of unpublished short stories and poetry. I put some on my FaceBook page these days. People tell me that I “should write a book”. Writing is hard and lonely.
I also bought your book of collected short stories and am looking forward to reading it. ❤️🎶
It’s true that anyone can be in people-pleasing mode. Partly upbringing, I think. Thank you for buying the short stories! Darkly humorous. I hope you like them!
Got your short story collection Acts of Contrition just now. I took a photo but there seems no way to post pix here. I’ll start it this evening. Thanks.
Great post on learning to walk away. I started small, by not finishing books I realized I hated. Then I expanded my repertoire and finally left my sociopath boss to flail (and fail) on his own. Lesson learned re the appropriate way to deal with sociopaths: Walk away w/o a backward glance.
I’m here for this! You are not here to be anyone’s punching bag. Also your skin is glowing and you have kind eyes, so that sociopathic instructor was probably just jealous!
Also, I’m super inspired by your story to bring the same curiosity to movement. (I relate to your elementary school experiences and let myself be bullied in my 20s by coaches yelling at me, followed by sobbing in the car because yelling feels like being hit.) Anyways, I’d love to find something like a Slow Jogger’s Club. Is that a thing??
Yes! I wish you did not have to endure such insanity and torture to learn this incredibly important lesson.
Everywhere in America you see little signs and messages saying Never Give Up or some variation on this theme. I think it is utterly moronic. Part of wisdom is knowing when to give up, how to give up and why to give up.
Since this is a blog for older people, I would suggest that knowing when to retire and change your daily life is another thing to apply your wisdom to.
I think you've touched a common nerve with this piece. American culture abhors a quitter, but sometimes quitting is the absolute best thing to do. When we're stuck in belief systems, it's all too easy to march in place, blisters and all. I love the sunset-colored relief you found when you realized you didn't have to subject yourself to any more bull from Sarge. Thanks for this piece.
What a great realization, that we don't have to finish everything we start. And I won't call that "quit" - it is just re-assess and course-correct. That's one of the things we learn thanks to "getting older" and wiser :)! - Yi
While I was pleased to read that after 8 sessions of having the crap kicked out of you, you realized you always had the power to stop. I mean, you were even paying for this. Still, your insight should serve you well for the rest of you life.
BUT — so many people, especially women, get sucked in by the cultural pressure of “Don’t give up — you can do it if you keep trying.” What people often don’t see are the power dynamics of this. Persistence and drive are very important, especially in our capitalist society, but isn't made clear is that there are always trade-offs. If you are training for a marathon you can’t be sitting on the beach as much, or playing with family or friends. But if that’s YOUR choice, it’s fine. Otherwise, it can be an invitation to getting exploited by someone who will benefit for you efforts more than you will. This is often true at work, but then at least you’re getting paid for that and not paying someone else.
With age comes the wisdom that we don’t have to prove ourselves in areas we don’t care about. You should probably give the gym some feedback about that instructor.
My wife’s philosophy has always been “No pain/no pain.” This is especially true as we age.
I'm glad you removed yourself from an unhealthy situation, but I do hope you (or another of the women) called the rec center to let them know. The fact that she kicked you so hard that you fell is unacceptable. They have no idea that half the class dropped out. And unless word of mouth spread, more unsuspecting women would sign up next session. Hopefully, she's not teaching there anymore!
Thank you! I so identify with you. I was the gangly clumsy shy kid that was picked last for teams and found any team or coordination sport pure hell!!
I started running as an antidote to very stressful life events when I was 41 and I still say it saved my life. I made connections with people I am still close to which is a bonus!! I ran 1/2 and full marathons, started doing sprint triathlons and full Ironman at age 55.
I’m now 67 and life has changed. The stress of caring for my dad and his death and my own advancing arthritis has curbed my runs but knowing that being outdoors and walking in nature restores me.
No retirement pickle ball or golf for me!!
Life is too short to do things we dread.
Every day isn’t perfect but small gifts of time for oneself are invaluable
This essay was meant for me - forever and hopelessly uncoordinated but determined to be bold and strong, to be an outdoor “athlete” (ha!). Trying so hard to prove myself (in a thousand ways) until I finally understood I didn’t have to. Loved her writing, loved the story. Brava, Victoria Waddle!
Really did :-) You choose the best and most interesting people to feature, Sari. Your newsletter is the only one I click on as soon I see it in my inbox!
Good for you for leaving a bad, and potentially dangerous situation. If undecided, I always make the distinction, if something makes me uncomfortable I should probably do it; if it's bad for me I don't.
So many of us stay uncomfortable in situations instead of leaving. Is this more true for women than men? I wonder. Time and again, I learn that “never give up” or “don’t quit” means - on myself. Not environmental conditions. Thank you for sharing the piece.😊
As an anxiety ridden, people pleaser, and empath....your story has brought me an epiphany. Thank you. 🙂
This is a terrific essay with an important message. People who say "never quit" are simply giving bad advice.
Sorry..I am an older male. But have the lifelong people pleasing can’t say no, must finish what I started issues that you wrote of. I think I could have written Learning When To Give Up, just not as well as you have.
It was my Cub Scout leader, a middle aged woman, who humiliated me in front of the pack, not the kindergarten teacher. I too choked down what was on the plate. In my case spaghetti with slices of slimy onion drenched in canned tomato sauce. Six marathons. Got the participation medals and the blisters. Bad thyroid. Have been fighting to keep my extra fifty pounds off for over twenty years and hiked over 15000 miles in the process. I heard you.
Oh, I have a thick binder filled with a lifetime of unpublished short stories and poetry. I put some on my FaceBook page these days. People tell me that I “should write a book”. Writing is hard and lonely.
I also bought your book of collected short stories and am looking forward to reading it. ❤️🎶
It’s true that anyone can be in people-pleasing mode. Partly upbringing, I think. Thank you for buying the short stories! Darkly humorous. I hope you like them!
Got your short story collection Acts of Contrition just now. I took a photo but there seems no way to post pix here. I’ll start it this evening. Thanks.
Great post on learning to walk away. I started small, by not finishing books I realized I hated. Then I expanded my repertoire and finally left my sociopath boss to flail (and fail) on his own. Lesson learned re the appropriate way to deal with sociopaths: Walk away w/o a backward glance.
Ah—learning to quit a book that isn’t resonating! Now that’s a tough one!
Yes 👏🏼 ma’am. 👏🏼
I’m here for this! You are not here to be anyone’s punching bag. Also your skin is glowing and you have kind eyes, so that sociopathic instructor was probably just jealous!
Also, I’m super inspired by your story to bring the same curiosity to movement. (I relate to your elementary school experiences and let myself be bullied in my 20s by coaches yelling at me, followed by sobbing in the car because yelling feels like being hit.) Anyways, I’d love to find something like a Slow Jogger’s Club. Is that a thing??
I would love a slow joggers’ club!
Walking away is the best lesson of all @Victoria! This line clinched it for me: “While the rest of the class met, I took a nap.” lol love it! Brava!
Yes! I wish you did not have to endure such insanity and torture to learn this incredibly important lesson.
Everywhere in America you see little signs and messages saying Never Give Up or some variation on this theme. I think it is utterly moronic. Part of wisdom is knowing when to give up, how to give up and why to give up.
Since this is a blog for older people, I would suggest that knowing when to retire and change your daily life is another thing to apply your wisdom to.
This really hit home
I think you've touched a common nerve with this piece. American culture abhors a quitter, but sometimes quitting is the absolute best thing to do. When we're stuck in belief systems, it's all too easy to march in place, blisters and all. I love the sunset-colored relief you found when you realized you didn't have to subject yourself to any more bull from Sarge. Thanks for this piece.
Dear Victoria,
What a great realization, that we don't have to finish everything we start. And I won't call that "quit" - it is just re-assess and course-correct. That's one of the things we learn thanks to "getting older" and wiser :)! - Yi
While I was pleased to read that after 8 sessions of having the crap kicked out of you, you realized you always had the power to stop. I mean, you were even paying for this. Still, your insight should serve you well for the rest of you life.
BUT — so many people, especially women, get sucked in by the cultural pressure of “Don’t give up — you can do it if you keep trying.” What people often don’t see are the power dynamics of this. Persistence and drive are very important, especially in our capitalist society, but isn't made clear is that there are always trade-offs. If you are training for a marathon you can’t be sitting on the beach as much, or playing with family or friends. But if that’s YOUR choice, it’s fine. Otherwise, it can be an invitation to getting exploited by someone who will benefit for you efforts more than you will. This is often true at work, but then at least you’re getting paid for that and not paying someone else.
With age comes the wisdom that we don’t have to prove ourselves in areas we don’t care about. You should probably give the gym some feedback about that instructor.
My wife’s philosophy has always been “No pain/no pain.” This is especially true as we age.
I'm glad you removed yourself from an unhealthy situation, but I do hope you (or another of the women) called the rec center to let them know. The fact that she kicked you so hard that you fell is unacceptable. They have no idea that half the class dropped out. And unless word of mouth spread, more unsuspecting women would sign up next session. Hopefully, she's not teaching there anymore!
They had an evaluation form at the end. The class was not offered again.
Good!
Thank you! I so identify with you. I was the gangly clumsy shy kid that was picked last for teams and found any team or coordination sport pure hell!!
I started running as an antidote to very stressful life events when I was 41 and I still say it saved my life. I made connections with people I am still close to which is a bonus!! I ran 1/2 and full marathons, started doing sprint triathlons and full Ironman at age 55.
I’m now 67 and life has changed. The stress of caring for my dad and his death and my own advancing arthritis has curbed my runs but knowing that being outdoors and walking in nature restores me.
No retirement pickle ball or golf for me!!
Life is too short to do things we dread.
Every day isn’t perfect but small gifts of time for oneself are invaluable
I know what it is to be caught in that caretaking sandwich. Here’s to walking in nature! It truly is a gift.
This essay was meant for me - forever and hopelessly uncoordinated but determined to be bold and strong, to be an outdoor “athlete” (ha!). Trying so hard to prove myself (in a thousand ways) until I finally understood I didn’t have to. Loved her writing, loved the story. Brava, Victoria Waddle!
So glad to know you found this resonant, Leanna! (Me, too.)
Really did :-) You choose the best and most interesting people to feature, Sari. Your newsletter is the only one I click on as soon I see it in my inbox!
<3 <3 <3
Good for you for leaving a bad, and potentially dangerous situation. If undecided, I always make the distinction, if something makes me uncomfortable I should probably do it; if it's bad for me I don't.