Thank you so much and please say more. And do send any of my work to friends. Especially if your friends are also agents (ha-ha) or editors/publishers looking for work like mine. How did my writing "rearrange" your brain????
It’s helpful for me in a few ways. For one, I feel seen. My aphasia is only expressive though reading can be a challenge. Writing isn’t as much of an issue fortunately. Another is that it gives me perspective on my situation. Not in a “it could be worse” bs way but a reminder not to get lost in my own misery. A third is that it just lets people know what’s what. We’re not any dumber than we used to be, just caught in a weird brain glitch. In fact, I like to think of myself as sharper as I’ve become adept at covering my aphasia in conversation. But it gets so exhausting.
The craft of your piece brought me back to some good times in the hospital! Your writing is an aesthetic achievement as much as it’s a nonfiction one ❤️
Thank you very much. Your comments mean a lot to me. Please consider sharing my sub stack and consider subscribing, too. I was fired by my former agents due to age and disability, which of course, diminished their potential revenue from me. My best chance at getting a new agent is to have subscribers on substack, especially those willing to pay $1 a week for a combination of my writing and my art. Thank you for considering.
Wow. I needed a second cup of coffee as I read, but didn't want to leave your essay for even the 30 seconds it would have taken. I hate that this happened to you, but have huge amounts of respect for, and am awed at the way you've fought your way back to brilliant writing. That penny-sized part of your brain is stunning. The fact that I smiled over the bang-blower, the sleeve-puller and the teeth-clencher, while feeling your struggle is testament to your amazing talent. Thank you for sharing this. I'll be thinking about it all day.
Brilliant piece of writing taking us into such a changed reality. Devastating and enlightening simultaneously. So much respect for pushing through. Still gifted.
Judith, hearts are breaking over here, and not just mine, I'm sure. I can't stop thinking about the "frontal lobe," that part of the brain possessed only by humans, that gives our brains the capacity to observe the workings of our own minds. The brain observing itself. In yoga we call it witness consciousness. Your courageous, heart-wrenching essay is that. I think often that this is exactly what we writers are doing all the time--observing our own thinking and putting it on the page. I shall never take that for granted again. Margaret Mandell
The specificity of each line of this piece, knowing how much effort must have gone into it- "To tweezer a word like a tiny gem, then tweezer another, stringing them like beads so they make sense."
The writing is gorgeous and riveting and wildly impressive.
This is hauntingly beautiful, the creation of a visual tapestry from a chaos that no one should have to endure. Thank you for sharing it, and please keep writing. I would love to read more of your amazing work.
This is just bout the most frightening thing I’ve read in quite some time. Words disappear from my vocabulary, which leaves me frustrated and embarrassed. My Dr says it is caused by migraines. This is millions of times worse. The author must be very brave. Cary on!
Both of those symptoms can present during perimenopause and eventually improve post-menopause. One of my friends was in her late 30's when it started and took a long time to get diagnosed. I just wanted to share in case that is helpful for anyone reading this 🙏
As someone with brain cancer and undergone multiple surgeries and treatments that damage the brain much like a TBI or stroke, so much of this resonates with me. Thank you for helping others to understand and to give me words to help others.
Judith, Your post puts everything into perspective in a hurry. Thank you! To have had that accident seventeen years ago and be writing this post today is remarkable. I honor your courage and tenacity.
“My head is busy breathing and trying to arrange my face so I don’t look like I’m in pain. I am both the disabled mind and the mind that exists aside from it.” I related to this moment far too much, when I was in the hospital after being hit with a car I also had a brain injury (and a crushed pelvis). I spent all my effort trying to seem friendly and normal even though I was lost at sea bobbing in the waves.
I said things I didn’t mean and didn’t say the things I meant. I couldn’t give the right answers to questions, but it sounded like I did.
Years later when I read the doctors and nurse notes that said how good and cognizant I was I laughed so hard! but I also felt anger. It made me think about the intersection of gender and injury and if docs and nurses should be taught about the different ways genders are socialized to react.
This was well written. It doesn't seem like much is these days. It hits a little close to home. I was a combat engineer in the Army. I have seen what TBI looks like. I had a friend who had it pretty bad. I've had at least a few that have it. During an award ceremony for him. He had to say each persons name out loud as we walked up and congratulated him in order to process it. It wasn't possible for him to just think it in his head. I'm pretty sure I have it myself. The VA tries to tell me otherwise. From my research it would be nearly impossible for me not to have TBI. I had an IED go off under my vehicle and have been around more than 60 explosions. I also struggle with words and their spelling. I'm the worst with names. I currently can not remember my nephew's name even though I've held him in my hands. One of the oddest things for me is that when a friend of mine ask me who was in a movie or TV show I recently watched. I can almost never come up with the name. It could be someone that has been famous before I was born. I somehow can list all the things I've seen them in. I use to have a nearly photographic memory. I guess I'm lucky he's a movie buff because he always knows who I'm talking about. I feel I would get even more frustrated if he didn't. It kind of feels like I'm playing a game of charades. I use to feel that a mind was a terrible thing to waste. Although I feel my is wasting away right in front of me and nothing can be done.
Thank you so much and please say more. And do send any of my work to friends. Especially if your friends are also agents (ha-ha) or editors/publishers looking for work like mine. How did my writing "rearrange" your brain????
It’s helpful for me in a few ways. For one, I feel seen. My aphasia is only expressive though reading can be a challenge. Writing isn’t as much of an issue fortunately. Another is that it gives me perspective on my situation. Not in a “it could be worse” bs way but a reminder not to get lost in my own misery. A third is that it just lets people know what’s what. We’re not any dumber than we used to be, just caught in a weird brain glitch. In fact, I like to think of myself as sharper as I’ve become adept at covering my aphasia in conversation. But it gets so exhausting.
Thank you for sharing, Rudy.
The craft of your piece brought me back to some good times in the hospital! Your writing is an aesthetic achievement as much as it’s a nonfiction one ❤️
Thank you very much. This means a lot to me.
Thank you very much. Your comments mean a lot to me. Please consider sharing my sub stack and consider subscribing, too. I was fired by my former agents due to age and disability, which of course, diminished their potential revenue from me. My best chance at getting a new agent is to have subscribers on substack, especially those willing to pay $1 a week for a combination of my writing and my art. Thank you for considering.
This is a stunning piece of writing, and I for one am so very glad you are healed enough to have written it. Thank you.
I cannot heart this because I cannot love (at all) what happened to you. But this is exquisite writing, fierce and true and essential.
Wow. I needed a second cup of coffee as I read, but didn't want to leave your essay for even the 30 seconds it would have taken. I hate that this happened to you, but have huge amounts of respect for, and am awed at the way you've fought your way back to brilliant writing. That penny-sized part of your brain is stunning. The fact that I smiled over the bang-blower, the sleeve-puller and the teeth-clencher, while feeling your struggle is testament to your amazing talent. Thank you for sharing this. I'll be thinking about it all day.
Brilliant piece of writing taking us into such a changed reality. Devastating and enlightening simultaneously. So much respect for pushing through. Still gifted.
Judith, hearts are breaking over here, and not just mine, I'm sure. I can't stop thinking about the "frontal lobe," that part of the brain possessed only by humans, that gives our brains the capacity to observe the workings of our own minds. The brain observing itself. In yoga we call it witness consciousness. Your courageous, heart-wrenching essay is that. I think often that this is exactly what we writers are doing all the time--observing our own thinking and putting it on the page. I shall never take that for granted again. Margaret Mandell
The specificity of each line of this piece, knowing how much effort must have gone into it- "To tweezer a word like a tiny gem, then tweezer another, stringing them like beads so they make sense."
The writing is gorgeous and riveting and wildly impressive.
terrifying and so extremely brave. also perfectly written.
This is hauntingly beautiful, the creation of a visual tapestry from a chaos that no one should have to endure. Thank you for sharing it, and please keep writing. I would love to read more of your amazing work.
This is just bout the most frightening thing I’ve read in quite some time. Words disappear from my vocabulary, which leaves me frustrated and embarrassed. My Dr says it is caused by migraines. This is millions of times worse. The author must be very brave. Cary on!
Both of those symptoms can present during perimenopause and eventually improve post-menopause. One of my friends was in her late 30's when it started and took a long time to get diagnosed. I just wanted to share in case that is helpful for anyone reading this 🙏
Do you get migraine with aura? I do as well.
yes
So do I. Debilitating. I am sorry sorry.
Thank you. I will carry on as best I can for as long as I can.
As someone with brain cancer and undergone multiple surgeries and treatments that damage the brain much like a TBI or stroke, so much of this resonates with me. Thank you for helping others to understand and to give me words to help others.
<3
Rudi you may find Tom Lubbock’s story confronting and beautiful. https://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/mar/23/until-further-notice-lubbock-review
Judith, Your post puts everything into perspective in a hurry. Thank you! To have had that accident seventeen years ago and be writing this post today is remarkable. I honor your courage and tenacity.
“My head is busy breathing and trying to arrange my face so I don’t look like I’m in pain. I am both the disabled mind and the mind that exists aside from it.” I related to this moment far too much, when I was in the hospital after being hit with a car I also had a brain injury (and a crushed pelvis). I spent all my effort trying to seem friendly and normal even though I was lost at sea bobbing in the waves.
I said things I didn’t mean and didn’t say the things I meant. I couldn’t give the right answers to questions, but it sounded like I did.
Years later when I read the doctors and nurse notes that said how good and cognizant I was I laughed so hard! but I also felt anger. It made me think about the intersection of gender and injury and if docs and nurses should be taught about the different ways genders are socialized to react.
This was well written. It doesn't seem like much is these days. It hits a little close to home. I was a combat engineer in the Army. I have seen what TBI looks like. I had a friend who had it pretty bad. I've had at least a few that have it. During an award ceremony for him. He had to say each persons name out loud as we walked up and congratulated him in order to process it. It wasn't possible for him to just think it in his head. I'm pretty sure I have it myself. The VA tries to tell me otherwise. From my research it would be nearly impossible for me not to have TBI. I had an IED go off under my vehicle and have been around more than 60 explosions. I also struggle with words and their spelling. I'm the worst with names. I currently can not remember my nephew's name even though I've held him in my hands. One of the oddest things for me is that when a friend of mine ask me who was in a movie or TV show I recently watched. I can almost never come up with the name. It could be someone that has been famous before I was born. I somehow can list all the things I've seen them in. I use to have a nearly photographic memory. I guess I'm lucky he's a movie buff because he always knows who I'm talking about. I feel I would get even more frustrated if he didn't. It kind of feels like I'm playing a game of charades. I use to feel that a mind was a terrible thing to waste. Although I feel my is wasting away right in front of me and nothing can be done.