"I Still Give My Ex-Husband Great Gifts and I Don’t Know Why" The fourth installment of an occasional Oldster Magazine column by bestselling novelist Laura Lippman.
This makes me sad in a way. Or jealous? I don't know. I wouldn't pee on my wasband if he were on fire, so I cannot imagine sending him gifts!
I also came here to say I (and my children) have the EXACT SAME Christmas stockings that you show in the first picture. My mother knitted them for all her kids and nieces and nephews and grandkids. She was a horrible person in general, but I still have those stockings - even the one she knit for my wasband.
This is beautiful and for me , very relatable. I used to do this, too, with gifts and also with grand gestures. I can't speak for anyone but me, of course, and I'm not suggesting this is what Laura meant to say in her piece, but for me, I noticed that I was giving wildly inventive gifts and doing the grand gesture as a form of manipulation to make people love me, or more accurately, to hedge against being hurt if they decided they didn't love me. (they have to love me, I spent all that time and energy and money on gifts!) And also a way of getting attention and praise. It never worked, not one single time.
So now I don't give gifts, mostly. And it turns out, I'm liked/loved the same amount regardless. Which is to say, often not as much as I'd wish, but perhaps enough.
Yes, exactly. And for me, I was then left with the feeling of betrayal, somehow (completely irrational) — “I went through all this trouble to give you this amazing gift and you still do/don’t ____________.” (insert whatever I was after, usually love/inclusion/approval/safety
As someone whose love language is giving gifts, I understand!! I STILL see things and think "This would be perfect for (insert name of long-dead or lost to divorce loved one here)!".
This was perfect, a bittersweet and humorous analogy, and it made me smile with a little pang: “he became devoted until Spotify usurped his affections.” I always remember a thing a friend told me when I said an ex had written, trying to get me back (after a long period of me desiring it so badly): “of course he wants you back. He lost a good thing when he lost you. Everyone wants to get back a good that they lost. That doesn’t mean you should be together again.“
To paraphase badly: the gift ( of divorce) -even though I didn't know I needed it at the time. This chimed with me. I have moved from intense sadness at the breakdown of a relationship-he said the same words about love but not being in love- to relief and excitement about creating my own future, minus dragging along a reluctant participant.
Mine said ‘I love you but I don’t like you’, and also once (the gall of it!) that I had ‘served my purpose’ (having birthed his son I guess).
We are friends still though, because I have no taste for bitterness, though I come from a long line of people who drink bitter daily, who turn on loved ones, stop speaking, etc. I can’t do that. We’ve known each other 30 years.
God, this is wonderful. Made me cringe, and laugh, and cry. Love is a ball of mercury, didn't I say that yesterday? No, it was life that was skittering just out of reach of comprehension. I'm going to print this out . . .
My former sister in law has given me a big present, and her ex-husband, my brother. They were divorced over a year ago, after a protracted battle in which he barricaded himself in their home, living like a squatter there, made a wreck of the place, etc.
We finally got him out, but the signs of dementia were glaring. She had been so shell-shocked by the divorce that she stayed away from him and I couldn't blame her. But as she is the only family member living anywhere near him, she gradually took over a lot of responsibility for him -- getting him to medical appointments, moving him to different facilities, trying to arrange some aides care (not easy!), and driving 45 minutes each way from her own home to help him. And he's as difficult a personality as ever!
I do everything I can to help, but it's not much given that I live more than 500 miles away. But I thank her constantly, call her frequently, and help her research stuff about his condition (which doctors haven't pinned down). When I told her how lucky me and her adult children are that she is so involved, she talks about how worn down she is by this kind of caretaking. But then she says, tearfully, that she lived with him for 30 years, feels sorry for him, and can't abandon him. That to me is the ultimate gift....
Does she have a support system of her own? Friends? Ways to get relief?
Can you travel there occasionally to give her ‘time off’?
Sorry if that’s judgey. I know of what you wrote here (I’m doing all of what she’s doing for my dad — although my drive is only 20 min, bit 45 — and it’s only been six months now and I’m spent. My sisters/mother (his ex) are estranged. He has alienated his cousins. His sisters (both aged) live far away. It’s just me.
I'm happy to say we found an unusual but hopeful place for him in Oakland. It can take care of more of his medical/physical needs, but also is a rare place for elders which has music, art, yoga, great food, and lots of caring people. It took a few years to find the right place, but it has given my former sister-in-law back her life, and me less concern about her (and my brother). Best luck to all who struggle with these situations -- our society does not provide enough help to many....
I'm a gift-giver too and it was exellent to understand some of my own reasons for gifting through Laura's eyes into her own reasons and soul. Thank you! I'm a competitor with myself too, and love to give THE gift that is appreciated AND, rarer still, remembered! And sometimes, yes, it is time to stop giving, but some love languages are hard to stop. Best of luck to you!
From the very first “Oh” I love the voice. I love Lafayette & the three Balzacs. What is really the Channukah-winning gift for me is learning that a book exists singularly dedicated to “Roadrunner” by Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers.
I turned 60 this year and just divorced (officially this week) under surprisingly similar circumstances. I’m experiencing the same dilemma — I know my ex better than anyone else on the planet (after 17 years together), but does she even DESERVE a thoughtful Christmas gift this year? Am I a schmuck for even considering this?
Wonderful piece. I love how it shows the complexity of relationships so brilliantly—how our motivations and needs can so often be mixed and hidden, even from ourselves.
I gave an ex what I still think of today, years later, as the best gift I’ve given anyone (and I also pride myself on my gift giving). His underwhelm was a clear bell signaling, I think to both of us, that we were not the right fight.
The underwhelm…. My fear of that is why, I think, I give gifts and make every effort NOT to be present for the reveal. I leave things on doorsteps. Drop on a desk on my way out of the office. I pass it along as they’re leaving. Mail it to them! Etc. LOL.
This makes me sad in a way. Or jealous? I don't know. I wouldn't pee on my wasband if he were on fire, so I cannot imagine sending him gifts!
I also came here to say I (and my children) have the EXACT SAME Christmas stockings that you show in the first picture. My mother knitted them for all her kids and nieces and nephews and grandkids. She was a horrible person in general, but I still have those stockings - even the one she knit for my wasband.
"wasband" lol.
I wrote about the stockings in an essay— it’s in my collection.
I will look for it. Can you give me a rough date when it was published?
https://www.harpercollins.com/products/my-life-as-a-villainess-laura-lippman
Thanks - I'll buy the book
First I thought wasband was a typo… now I get it! I’m stealing it now! 😜
It’s good!
Ha ha ha! Nope; and steal away!
This is beautiful and for me , very relatable. I used to do this, too, with gifts and also with grand gestures. I can't speak for anyone but me, of course, and I'm not suggesting this is what Laura meant to say in her piece, but for me, I noticed that I was giving wildly inventive gifts and doing the grand gesture as a form of manipulation to make people love me, or more accurately, to hedge against being hurt if they decided they didn't love me. (they have to love me, I spent all that time and energy and money on gifts!) And also a way of getting attention and praise. It never worked, not one single time.
So now I don't give gifts, mostly. And it turns out, I'm liked/loved the same amount regardless. Which is to say, often not as much as I'd wish, but perhaps enough.
Love these realizations. I relate.
One can definitely go overboard and I did at times. The friend who called me out was on the money.
Ditto. My gifts were most definitely about wanting love/approval, to be deemed (at last) clever/creative/oh so giving and clever and creative.
But, sheeeet…. Sometimes (most times) ripple didn’t even ‘get it’. And after a while?
(I was the same with letters. Oh the letters I wrote people in my youth! Missives! Never reciprocated. Blah.)
Yes, exactly. And for me, I was then left with the feeling of betrayal, somehow (completely irrational) — “I went through all this trouble to give you this amazing gift and you still do/don’t ____________.” (insert whatever I was after, usually love/inclusion/approval/safety
As someone whose love language is giving gifts, I understand!! I STILL see things and think "This would be perfect for (insert name of long-dead or lost to divorce loved one here)!".
Me too!
I am glad that there are others who do this!
Best ex-wife ever. My parents were divorced when I was a kid and I don't recall them giving each other anything but grief. Have a wonderful holiday.
😂 🥲
This was perfect, a bittersweet and humorous analogy, and it made me smile with a little pang: “he became devoted until Spotify usurped his affections.” I always remember a thing a friend told me when I said an ex had written, trying to get me back (after a long period of me desiring it so badly): “of course he wants you back. He lost a good thing when he lost you. Everyone wants to get back a good that they lost. That doesn’t mean you should be together again.“
100%
To paraphase badly: the gift ( of divorce) -even though I didn't know I needed it at the time. This chimed with me. I have moved from intense sadness at the breakdown of a relationship-he said the same words about love but not being in love- to relief and excitement about creating my own future, minus dragging along a reluctant participant.
Mine said ‘I love you but I don’t like you’, and also once (the gall of it!) that I had ‘served my purpose’ (having birthed his son I guess).
We are friends still though, because I have no taste for bitterness, though I come from a long line of people who drink bitter daily, who turn on loved ones, stop speaking, etc. I can’t do that. We’ve known each other 30 years.
Oh the irony! Some of these presents will make brilliant Xmas gifts for my spouse! Thank you.
Happy to help!
Ha!
God, this is wonderful. Made me cringe, and laugh, and cry. Love is a ball of mercury, didn't I say that yesterday? No, it was life that was skittering just out of reach of comprehension. I'm going to print this out . . .
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
So hard! I lost mine pretty suddenly in 2013.
Thank you. It was very unexpected.
My former sister in law has given me a big present, and her ex-husband, my brother. They were divorced over a year ago, after a protracted battle in which he barricaded himself in their home, living like a squatter there, made a wreck of the place, etc.
We finally got him out, but the signs of dementia were glaring. She had been so shell-shocked by the divorce that she stayed away from him and I couldn't blame her. But as she is the only family member living anywhere near him, she gradually took over a lot of responsibility for him -- getting him to medical appointments, moving him to different facilities, trying to arrange some aides care (not easy!), and driving 45 minutes each way from her own home to help him. And he's as difficult a personality as ever!
I do everything I can to help, but it's not much given that I live more than 500 miles away. But I thank her constantly, call her frequently, and help her research stuff about his condition (which doctors haven't pinned down). When I told her how lucky me and her adult children are that she is so involved, she talks about how worn down she is by this kind of caretaking. But then she says, tearfully, that she lived with him for 30 years, feels sorry for him, and can't abandon him. That to me is the ultimate gift....
Oh, that poor woman. 💔
Does she have a support system of her own? Friends? Ways to get relief?
Can you travel there occasionally to give her ‘time off’?
Sorry if that’s judgey. I know of what you wrote here (I’m doing all of what she’s doing for my dad — although my drive is only 20 min, bit 45 — and it’s only been six months now and I’m spent. My sisters/mother (his ex) are estranged. He has alienated his cousins. His sisters (both aged) live far away. It’s just me.
So I identify with you SIL, thus my questions.
I'm happy to say we found an unusual but hopeful place for him in Oakland. It can take care of more of his medical/physical needs, but also is a rare place for elders which has music, art, yoga, great food, and lots of caring people. It took a few years to find the right place, but it has given my former sister-in-law back her life, and me less concern about her (and my brother). Best luck to all who struggle with these situations -- our society does not provide enough help to many....
I'm a gift-giver too and it was exellent to understand some of my own reasons for gifting through Laura's eyes into her own reasons and soul. Thank you! I'm a competitor with myself too, and love to give THE gift that is appreciated AND, rarer still, remembered! And sometimes, yes, it is time to stop giving, but some love languages are hard to stop. Best of luck to you!
From the very first “Oh” I love the voice. I love Lafayette & the three Balzacs. What is really the Channukah-winning gift for me is learning that a book exists singularly dedicated to “Roadrunner” by Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers.
I turned 60 this year and just divorced (officially this week) under surprisingly similar circumstances. I’m experiencing the same dilemma — I know my ex better than anyone else on the planet (after 17 years together), but does she even DESERVE a thoughtful Christmas gift this year? Am I a schmuck for even considering this?
This was a great piece, thank you for posting!
If you want to give something for the right reason -- not that I know what the right reason is -- then you're not a schmuck.
Thank you for this marvelous, marvelous essay. And yes, Endless Love is a really fine novel, as are most of Scott Spencer's novels.
Wonderful piece. I love how it shows the complexity of relationships so brilliantly—how our motivations and needs can so often be mixed and hidden, even from ourselves.
I gave an ex what I still think of today, years later, as the best gift I’ve given anyone (and I also pride myself on my gift giving). His underwhelm was a clear bell signaling, I think to both of us, that we were not the right fight.
The underwhelm…. My fear of that is why, I think, I give gifts and make every effort NOT to be present for the reveal. I leave things on doorsteps. Drop on a desk on my way out of the office. I pass it along as they’re leaving. Mail it to them! Etc. LOL.
Wise choice, my friend!
I enjoyed this entire piece but the ending OMG --there could not be a more perfect ending!