"I don’t want to cook anymore, and I don’t know why." The second installment of a new, occasional Oldster Magazine column by bestselling novelist Laura Lippman.
Wow — writing for Sari, I seem destined to learn the same lesson over and over again, that things that feel so specific to me are pretty universal. These responses are so gratifying.
Since I retired, I have come to hate cooking. I used to be quite an adventurous cook, happy to spend time in the kitchen making something tasty and appreciated by others. Now? It is SUCH A BORE. There are a million other things I would rather be doing. I'm at the age when the years in front of me don't stretch out into the distance and I truly resent spending time that is not about enjoyment. I have reduced cooking i.e. making something hot, to a maximum of once a day, and in order to reduce this further I try to eat out at least once a week. My husband prepares supper a couple of days a week. If it wasn't for him I would happily never prepare a meal again. Preparing food - it's like a life sentence.
THIS describes exactly how I feel about the epic family brunches/birthday get-togethers/ holiday dinners that I've always singlehandedly prepared - and still do, but now ... maybe, not so joyfully. I feel ashamed to feel this way and also sad, because it feels like another unwelcome facet of aging. Something lost.
Another thought provoking essay here though - and that video and song about bringing home the bacon is TOO MUCH. Hilarious - yet kinda rage inducing too, lol.
I have a husband who is not well so I cook but I hate it. I know why though , it’s because nothing should be repeated that often in a lifetime besides hygiene related activities. We’ve done it over and over must we continue ?Thank heavens for smoothies.
"Nothing should be repeated that often... besides hygiene related activities." This made me laugh out loud, and I'm sure I'll revisit the idea (w/ a smile, maybe even a chuckle) as I struggle through any number of Sisyphean tasks. Thank you.
This is spot on and for us, amusing. My wife, was a premier cook for her first family of a husband and 4 kids for 20 years. Then, after 10 years on her own, and with kids part time, and for both of us starting in 1996, sans kids, said to me n 2022 "I don't want to cook anymore." Here's the interesting part. I took up the invitation to learn a little about cooking and found a creative way to contribute to our ongoing need for good nutrition - everything from smoothies laced with protein to spice rubs on baked chicken, a variety of soups, home made applesauce and the basics. I whipped up a tasty vichyssoise the other day and peruse recipes from some of my favorites like Ina Garten and Ree Drummond. I don't watch cooking shows on TV. S. gave me a blue apron which says, "Nobody's Perfect. But if your name is Gary Bob, You're Pretty Damn Close." I wear it proudly.
I'll post a picture in Notes, if I can. Can't post it here. Others have gotten a kick out of that. S. has a great sense of humor and now that I am our chef, most of the tiime, it's one of my favorite aprons. I just finished a batch of homemade applesauce using Ree Drummond's recipe. Love it!
I totally get this. I no longer want to cook and I don’t know why. I no longer want to clean. I especially don’t want to spend time with people I don’t enjoy - even family and old friends. I’ll be 70 this year and I want to spend time doing things I love as much as possible, with people who delight me. I still cook and clean minimally and spend time with family and old friends. But I don’t want to!
Wow, Beth and Jen G. Me Too! Thanks for expressing this post-pandemic shift about socializing - as well as cooking. I really savor being less social, no more massive entertaining (meaning cooking for crowds or even with crowds). Just walking, yoga, reading, writing, snuggling with pets and husband, watching the whales and eagles and herons swoop by.
I relate to this so deeply. Was once an enthusiastic domestic and am now empty of recipe passion after being cut loose from unhappy marriage. Possible good thing not to do something you no longer enjoy (or that’s what I tell myself)
I'm startled to read this, because this is my life too! At 64 I'd be fine never cooking another dinner. Unfortunately, my husband continues to need to eat, and he has health issues that mean I can't rely on popcorn. But I used to love cooking, and I have shelves full of cookbooks that now sit there gathering dust. I'm just done.
This is so relatable—and I’m a food blogger! If I don’t have to cook for someone or test a recipe in order to write about it, I would rather make the simplest, fastest dish possible, with a slight nod to nutrition (maybe!) and be done with it. I guess it’s that “been there, done that” vibe. Thanks for an excellent piece!
I’ve never been much of a cook — my mom didn’t particularly enjoy it, and she was not an adventurous cook. Her techniques mostly consisted of boiling and oven roasting, with very little seasoning, and often to a point of being overcooked. Stewed chicken, anyone?
But we started getting Blue Apron deliveries a few years ago, and it taught me a lot of basic techniques that I can now employ in simple meals even without a recipe. During the pandemic, I embraced cooking even more, and I’m infinitely more confident of my ability in the kitchen than I was five years ago.
However, I still don’t *love* to cook. I know people who find it very relaxing and enjoyable, and that’s not me. And when the weather heats up in our humid Maryland summers, the last thing I feel like doing is working in the kitchen. I’d eat little more than bread and fresh sliced tomatoes every day if left to my own. And cookies. Just being honest. Always cookies.
I thought this was a breezy romp through a familiar daisy field. Then I got to the boulder of the ending. There had been a stone in the field all along—the sister’s fried chicken. The real subject here isn’t cooking.
When I got sick of the routine with my husband freshly retired and bored, he took over. He became the best tri tip bbq man, the best morning hash, always a 3 course meal at dinner. A month ago he passed away and I don't feel like cooking anything and nothing tastes good. So I have to eat cause I have no excuse to curl up and die. And I try to eat healthy. But I'm here to tell ya all that even though you drink your protein smoothies and exercise your heart out, why? It isn't going to make you a guarantee of a long healthy life (he did that and he dies of a massive heart event out camping far away from cell phone coverage). I have no faith that we can dictate our longevity, we are all going to die. When is not our choice. I know for a fact at just 72, a healthy happy man can just be gone in a flash. 53 years of marriage and I am trying to eat to stay vital. That's all.
I can't imagine the pain you're in - not only did he die far away from cell phone coverage, and was previously healthy, but he also took over the cooking happily and well. Of course you want to curl up and grieve. You are grieving. Not wanting to eat now is part of it.
Oh I relate to this so much! I don't want to cook anymore, yet I miss my own cooking. A few years ago I had cancer, and during that time my husband took over. And he has more free time, so it makes sense for him to keep doing it. And I'm tired of cooking after all these years.
He's an adequate cook. And now we live in a small RV, so there's no blender or stand mixer, or baking pans or space for lots of chopping and multiple bowls. I chose this life, but I miss having a kitchen, with me in it, making fabulous food. I miss my cooking, but I'm now happy to let someone make me mediocre meals. I don't get it. Why?
One of my favorite dinners is popcorn and V-8. I feel like I'm on my way to becoming my mother, a formerly great cook, who ended up eating the same thing every night; bits of a supermarket-roasted chicken and a microwaved yam.
I bookmark recipes all the time. I scroll the NYT food app. But I don't feel like making a list, or shopping or doing all that work. Am I just lazy? I feel hungry a lot. I'm looking for leftovers and there aren't any. I miss what our fridge looked like when I was doing the cooking. Yet I just don't feel like it.
1. Thanks for posting the Enjoli video. Not that I watched. It had already begun playing in my head, as it does every so often. But it’s instructive for the younger generations. And a nice reminder that I should add videos to my own articles, as appropriate.
2. I remember when my stepmom told me she hardly cooked at all anymore. I thought that was odd. Now I get it. (I also get why she and my dad declined to accompany us and two young children to Disney World.)
3. My 37-year-old confirmed bachelor son does the big family meals now. I’m just his sous chef. Suits me just fine. (And note, the one time he had to do it all himself, he was NOT happy.)
4. If you think about cooking like any other hobby, getting tired of it makes complete sense. I’ve been through sewing, knitting, crochet, a dozen other fiber-related hobbies, flute playing, piano playing, bell choir, voice choir, beading, stamp collecting, card making, scrapbooking, and on and on. They all have a life cycle. Some last for days, others for decades. Why should cooking be different? It’s not different. Just like I buy factory-made clothes but will still sew on a button, we can make do with cutting back our cooking to the bear bones. And I don’t feel a bit guilty about doing that.
Thanks for helping me see all of this. It’s been fun!
Wow — writing for Sari, I seem destined to learn the same lesson over and over again, that things that feel so specific to me are pretty universal. These responses are so gratifying.
🎯🎯🎯
Since I retired, I have come to hate cooking. I used to be quite an adventurous cook, happy to spend time in the kitchen making something tasty and appreciated by others. Now? It is SUCH A BORE. There are a million other things I would rather be doing. I'm at the age when the years in front of me don't stretch out into the distance and I truly resent spending time that is not about enjoyment. I have reduced cooking i.e. making something hot, to a maximum of once a day, and in order to reduce this further I try to eat out at least once a week. My husband prepares supper a couple of days a week. If it wasn't for him I would happily never prepare a meal again. Preparing food - it's like a life sentence.
Decades ago, in the late 1940s, my mother's recently-married friend said to Mom, "Marriage is a trap. It means three meals a day."
She was so right. About the cooking, I mean.
🎶The Farmer works from sun to sun,
The Farmer’s Wife is never done…
You’re right.
THIS describes exactly how I feel about the epic family brunches/birthday get-togethers/ holiday dinners that I've always singlehandedly prepared - and still do, but now ... maybe, not so joyfully. I feel ashamed to feel this way and also sad, because it feels like another unwelcome facet of aging. Something lost.
Another thought provoking essay here though - and that video and song about bringing home the bacon is TOO MUCH. Hilarious - yet kinda rage inducing too, lol.
I am glad that it's not just me. I used to love to cook. Now I think I might be happy to live on smoothies and toast.
I have a husband who is not well so I cook but I hate it. I know why though , it’s because nothing should be repeated that often in a lifetime besides hygiene related activities. We’ve done it over and over must we continue ?Thank heavens for smoothies.
"Nothing should be repeated that often... besides hygiene related activities." This made me laugh out loud, and I'm sure I'll revisit the idea (w/ a smile, maybe even a chuckle) as I struggle through any number of Sisyphean tasks. Thank you.
This is spot on and for us, amusing. My wife, was a premier cook for her first family of a husband and 4 kids for 20 years. Then, after 10 years on her own, and with kids part time, and for both of us starting in 1996, sans kids, said to me n 2022 "I don't want to cook anymore." Here's the interesting part. I took up the invitation to learn a little about cooking and found a creative way to contribute to our ongoing need for good nutrition - everything from smoothies laced with protein to spice rubs on baked chicken, a variety of soups, home made applesauce and the basics. I whipped up a tasty vichyssoise the other day and peruse recipes from some of my favorites like Ina Garten and Ree Drummond. I don't watch cooking shows on TV. S. gave me a blue apron which says, "Nobody's Perfect. But if your name is Gary Bob, You're Pretty Damn Close." I wear it proudly.
Love this.
this got me good Gary - that apron 😭
I'll post a picture in Notes, if I can. Can't post it here. Others have gotten a kick out of that. S. has a great sense of humor and now that I am our chef, most of the tiime, it's one of my favorite aprons. I just finished a batch of homemade applesauce using Ree Drummond's recipe. Love it!
I totally get this. I no longer want to cook and I don’t know why. I no longer want to clean. I especially don’t want to spend time with people I don’t enjoy - even family and old friends. I’ll be 70 this year and I want to spend time doing things I love as much as possible, with people who delight me. I still cook and clean minimally and spend time with family and old friends. But I don’t want to!
Since the pandemic, I am really choosy about who I spend time with, and am much more likely to decline invitations or limit how long I stay!
Wow, Beth and Jen G. Me Too! Thanks for expressing this post-pandemic shift about socializing - as well as cooking. I really savor being less social, no more massive entertaining (meaning cooking for crowds or even with crowds). Just walking, yoga, reading, writing, snuggling with pets and husband, watching the whales and eagles and herons swoop by.
I agree, the pandemic definitely had an effect!
well for me, it helped clarify a lot of relationships etc,
and in a way gave permission to be more selective about what matters to me
I relate to this so deeply. Was once an enthusiastic domestic and am now empty of recipe passion after being cut loose from unhappy marriage. Possible good thing not to do something you no longer enjoy (or that’s what I tell myself)
I'm startled to read this, because this is my life too! At 64 I'd be fine never cooking another dinner. Unfortunately, my husband continues to need to eat, and he has health issues that mean I can't rely on popcorn. But I used to love cooking, and I have shelves full of cookbooks that now sit there gathering dust. I'm just done.
This is so relatable—and I’m a food blogger! If I don’t have to cook for someone or test a recipe in order to write about it, I would rather make the simplest, fastest dish possible, with a slight nod to nutrition (maybe!) and be done with it. I guess it’s that “been there, done that” vibe. Thanks for an excellent piece!
I’ve never been much of a cook — my mom didn’t particularly enjoy it, and she was not an adventurous cook. Her techniques mostly consisted of boiling and oven roasting, with very little seasoning, and often to a point of being overcooked. Stewed chicken, anyone?
But we started getting Blue Apron deliveries a few years ago, and it taught me a lot of basic techniques that I can now employ in simple meals even without a recipe. During the pandemic, I embraced cooking even more, and I’m infinitely more confident of my ability in the kitchen than I was five years ago.
However, I still don’t *love* to cook. I know people who find it very relaxing and enjoyable, and that’s not me. And when the weather heats up in our humid Maryland summers, the last thing I feel like doing is working in the kitchen. I’d eat little more than bread and fresh sliced tomatoes every day if left to my own. And cookies. Just being honest. Always cookies.
I thought this was a breezy romp through a familiar daisy field. Then I got to the boulder of the ending. There had been a stone in the field all along—the sister’s fried chicken. The real subject here isn’t cooking.
Nicely done😉
🎯
It may be that we only have a finite amount of meals to make, numbered like the eggs in our ovaries.
I am all out of both.
Ha!
When I got sick of the routine with my husband freshly retired and bored, he took over. He became the best tri tip bbq man, the best morning hash, always a 3 course meal at dinner. A month ago he passed away and I don't feel like cooking anything and nothing tastes good. So I have to eat cause I have no excuse to curl up and die. And I try to eat healthy. But I'm here to tell ya all that even though you drink your protein smoothies and exercise your heart out, why? It isn't going to make you a guarantee of a long healthy life (he did that and he dies of a massive heart event out camping far away from cell phone coverage). I have no faith that we can dictate our longevity, we are all going to die. When is not our choice. I know for a fact at just 72, a healthy happy man can just be gone in a flash. 53 years of marriage and I am trying to eat to stay vital. That's all.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you had a really terrific partner.
thank you Laura
I can't imagine the pain you're in - not only did he die far away from cell phone coverage, and was previously healthy, but he also took over the cooking happily and well. Of course you want to curl up and grieve. You are grieving. Not wanting to eat now is part of it.
Thank you Kirie
Oh I relate to this so much! I don't want to cook anymore, yet I miss my own cooking. A few years ago I had cancer, and during that time my husband took over. And he has more free time, so it makes sense for him to keep doing it. And I'm tired of cooking after all these years.
He's an adequate cook. And now we live in a small RV, so there's no blender or stand mixer, or baking pans or space for lots of chopping and multiple bowls. I chose this life, but I miss having a kitchen, with me in it, making fabulous food. I miss my cooking, but I'm now happy to let someone make me mediocre meals. I don't get it. Why?
One of my favorite dinners is popcorn and V-8. I feel like I'm on my way to becoming my mother, a formerly great cook, who ended up eating the same thing every night; bits of a supermarket-roasted chicken and a microwaved yam.
I bookmark recipes all the time. I scroll the NYT food app. But I don't feel like making a list, or shopping or doing all that work. Am I just lazy? I feel hungry a lot. I'm looking for leftovers and there aren't any. I miss what our fridge looked like when I was doing the cooking. Yet I just don't feel like it.
So a few points here.
1. Thanks for posting the Enjoli video. Not that I watched. It had already begun playing in my head, as it does every so often. But it’s instructive for the younger generations. And a nice reminder that I should add videos to my own articles, as appropriate.
2. I remember when my stepmom told me she hardly cooked at all anymore. I thought that was odd. Now I get it. (I also get why she and my dad declined to accompany us and two young children to Disney World.)
3. My 37-year-old confirmed bachelor son does the big family meals now. I’m just his sous chef. Suits me just fine. (And note, the one time he had to do it all himself, he was NOT happy.)
4. If you think about cooking like any other hobby, getting tired of it makes complete sense. I’ve been through sewing, knitting, crochet, a dozen other fiber-related hobbies, flute playing, piano playing, bell choir, voice choir, beading, stamp collecting, card making, scrapbooking, and on and on. They all have a life cycle. Some last for days, others for decades. Why should cooking be different? It’s not different. Just like I buy factory-made clothes but will still sew on a button, we can make do with cutting back our cooking to the bear bones. And I don’t feel a bit guilty about doing that.
Thanks for helping me see all of this. It’s been fun!