At 52 I stopped being able to tolerate alcohol, so I gave it up. How has your relationship to alcohol and drinking changed as you've gotten older? An open thread...
.I never thought about stopping until that night I spent in jail for drunk driving. The matron was kind, offering me an extra paper thin blanket for the damp San Francisco night, but all my stories about myself as a social drinker evaporated in the shock and shame of it. Me? In jail? I had been in jail many times, but it was always on purpose. Getting arrested was a part of my political life. A source of pride. Not this time. Now I was on a steel shelf, huddled under two unsuccessful covers, dizzy, still drunk, cold and trying to avoid the three other women in the holding cell. Thankfully, they wanted to avoid me as well. Each of us is there because something that was supposed to work---didn’t. The drug deal that fell through. The boyfriend who got mad. The customer who wouldn’t pay. The runaway who got caught. And me, the woman who marched, picketed, demonstrated and even got arrested in the service of these women with whom I was now sharing a cell.
I think in retrospect it was the dissonance that kept me from constructing yet another story about what had happened that would allow me to avoid identifying the heart of the story. My drinking.
Drinking accompanied my life, but anxiety did as well. Of course they’re both loosely related, anxiety and the drinking, although I began drinking as a public way to be chic. In 1954 I thought sophisticated people wore lovely clothes in fine restaurants while holding a Chesterfield. I didn’t have to know anything, do anything or be anyone to appear elegant. Just a drink and a cigarette signaled your all around suaveness. Plus my parents drank every night.
Then, in my 20’s, I discovered I actually felt shorter, smarter and more confident when I had a drink and a cigarette which was a triple plus. And off I went, careening down the decades, my props at the ready.
After my divorce, I had a long ivory cigarette holder imagining panache which I now embarrassedly recognize as a touching pretentiousness especially when my alcoholic tastes still ran to rum and Tab. But the shorter, confident and smarter me continued to be emerge with each drink, although now I shudder at decisions that I imagined were daring and kind of in-the-know-ish which were risky, and several potentially dangerous.
But while I wasn’t becoming shorter, I was becoming smarter, had returned to college and my confidence was growing. Eventually, after the third try, I stopped smoking. One prop down, one left to go.
Over the years, my neck and everything else began to soften. My drinking had progressed to gin and bourbon, expanding in periods of stress and receding in more emotionally stable periods. But even the receding periods were becoming more than I needed for that rush of alls right with not only the world but with me-ness I sought.
I remember reading that alcohol allows you to know what it is you feel without the necessity of actually feeling it. My insights during my drinking years were rich and deep and complex. But gin and tonic allowed them to remain astonishing, oft repeated insights. No change required.
Then I got cancer. In my neck. And a surgeon had to make an incision to cut it out. Now my neck is soft with a scar across it. And my partner died. And my children started to make their own mistakes. And I was growing older and older. Soon after my sixtieth birthday, I stopped drinking. Knowing I would never be able to be a moderate drinker, I removed choice from the equation and stopped. For nearly a year I drank a cold Fresca in a chilled wine glass at 5:00 which helped. But after a while I didn’t need that either. I was left alone with myself, nothing to remove me from where I was.
The nearly twenty four years since then have been some of the best of my life.
Thank you Kar. There are, as you might imagine, many stories that dot the landscape of alcohol. This was the first one that surfaced. Perhaps I'll write more.....
Thank you for sharing. When I moved to NYC I realized how much drunk driving I had done when I lived in Indiana (this was pre uber/lyft and Indianapolis does not have good public transportation) It’s crazy to think how lucky I was
I don't know that I would call it a first draft. It simply emerged onto the screen with uncomplicated ease. Probably because I had thought about the content so much and for so long. The Kitchen is Closed: And Other Benefits of Being Old was published last July. It is indeed an exultation. I hope you enjoy. it. And thank you for your appreciative note.
I'm the same as you, booze hates me. Hahaha! I have begun to really enjoy virgin cocktails make with different flavored shrubs, which are yummy fermented vinegar. I can't really tolerate sugar either so the shrub with bubbly water has been a refreshing celebratory beverage.
Right there with you. My fav mocktail is simply soda and bitters with a lemon twist. No sugar, has a hint of a real cocktail flavor, and the worst side effects are hydration and digestive support. Plus it is cheap AF and looks like a whiskey soda so you don't get a million people asking why you aren't drinking.
People asking why you're not drinking is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. There are dozens of reasons someone might not be drinking--ALL of which are nobody's business. Alcoholism, pain medicine, pregnancy, illness, religion... seriously. Luckily this happens less as the crowd ages.
Remember when we were younger and not drinking at a party everyone assumed you were pregnant? Ha ha ha...that's not a problem anymore...I also don't get asked if I am going to "try for the boy" like I was constantly when I was with my three little girls..
I’m obsessed with making shrubs! I love the deferred gratification of creating them, and they are the perfect complex combination, all we need is a little soda water and citrus!
I love drinking, and I love the Friday night ritual that my spouse and I have, where we put an end to. our week of work (and our habit of not drinking Mon - Thur) with a cocktail or glass of wine, standing on a little hill behind our house, where you get a good view of the sky. My problem is that -- like others here -- my body is less tolerant of alcohol that it was when I was younger (I'm 65). I can handle two glasses of wine, or a cocktail and a glass of wine, no more. When I exceed those limits (which I find too easy to do), I sleep badly and wake up feeling parched and sad and wobbly. I've considered just giving up alcohol and probably should, but it feels like giving up a piece of my marriage. That's where I'm at.
I completely understand this! The new research saying it's just bad for you is compelling, and it's too easy for me to drink daily, plus the financial cost -- I would like to mostly give it up. But a big part of that is the relaxation and focus of sitting with my husband and talking about our day and life -- nothing else seems to replace that.
Yes, it's that relaxed state of mind, loose and playful, that you go to together. I wonder if CBD or pot gummies or some other product would have a similar effect.
im there too...but not adverse to sipping some good scotch along with it...or...ok ....bolstering with another half gummy! .....alcoholism is part of a pattern of behaviour i denied until reached 40 and was counselled by a brilliant older Irish guy in a class i was required to attend due to errant behaviours. Now i didn't stop going on the occasional stress releasing inebriated one night spree but have no need to keep booze or beer in house except for friends because it goes straight to post middle age stomach and i am a vain motherfucker....lol
At 54 I find two glasses of anything means a serious hangover and lousy sleep for me, which is a total bummer. I have barely had any wine for a few years because it always leads to a crummy next day. I stick to beer mostly and weave in the non alcoholic beers which can be pretty darn good. The reality? I shouldn't drink at all, ever.
Does this ever improve? A friend told me our chemistry can change again and alcohol becomes processable again...wishful thinking is my guess.
From the title of this post, I thought it would be a discussion about vaginal dryness. LOL. Anyway, I have cut down my alcohol consumption and I obsessively check the ABV % on beers. A hangover is a waste of my time and money so I don’t do it anymore.
Yep. Me, too! Thanks, Sari, for this interesting thread. Alcohol is a topic that's often on my mind. Two ex-husbands (one dead from cancer and alcohol) were alcoholics.
I'm a light-weight, too, and it's changed as I've aged. (58)
Is alcohol an enjoyable crutch? Yes. Does 1-2 drinks make me an alcoholic? No. Maybe. Does being mindful of it (writing here, chatting about it openly) make me feel good about my moderation or is it clever, subconscious rationalization? Yes, both?
I remember when the studies came out that margarine was better for you than butter. My mom dutifully switched. Years later, it was reported that butter was just fine and I gleefully switched back. When I hear research around alcohol, I try to give it an earnest ear, but have come to treat the studies lightly. Taken in light of my overall well-being, their proclamations sit temporarily in the back of my mind, as little niggle-naggles.
Sometimes, I wonder what the Irish or the French (or whoever) would think about my/our hand-wringing? Thanks, Sari!
As an Irish-French person this is all so fascinating to me. There isn’t a word for alcoholism in French it’s just like not a thing and for Ireland…well I think our linkage to drinking is based on continuous years of trauma passed down. My french grandmother started serving me wine when I was like 10 which maybe made me not that serious about getting drunk when I was at that age when young adults get interested in drinking…
Whenever doctors ask if there’s a history of alcoholism in my family I say “I’m half Irish and half French, so yes?”
But I remember talking to a woman whose French mother was told to drink wine every day of her pregnancy for health reasons whereas here in the US we are generally told to avoid it. I wonder if it has to do with Americans I ability to “consume in moderation” (#notallamericans)
After years of denial, after finding myself one evening with a gun barrel in m y mouth, after discovering that booze made me break out in handcuffs, I admitted I simply could not drink in safety. I had a wonderful family and a fair degree of professional success, blessings I'd used to fend off any charged of pathological drinking. I was on the point of losing all that.
Maybe it's not for everyone, but Alcoholics Anonymous has kept me sober for decades, and life is immeasurably better.
Yes! I do AA. Sober 12-plus years. Saved my life. I relate an incredible amount to what you said here. It’s great to be sober! I write about it in my Substack sometimes.
I had a complicated relationship with alcohol and so I eventually decided that the hassle was unnecessary. We broke up in 2020. My body was telling me that she was a terrible mistress who treated me poorly; my head reminded me that I was at least half responsible for the mess. My body thanks me every day. My head has doubts.
I come from an alcoholic family going back at least two generations (that I know about), and I married an alcoholic (subsequently divorced). I drank moderately almost every day for about fifty years (I'm 78 gasp!), usually wine or beer. On festive occasions I’d drink too much, but I didn’t worry about that so much as I did about the daily drinking. I tried AA several times, but found it not to be helpful to me. During the last stint about 8 years ago, my sponsor basically kicked me out of the program. Okay, fine.
I went a full year without alcohol before the pandemic, and then started up the daily drinking, perhaps out of boredom. My pregnant daughter came to live with me. She didn’t drink during her pregnancy or while nursing the baby. After she stopped nursing and went back to work, she joined me for a social hour every afternoon. Eventually my daughter and granddaughter got their own place, but I kept drinking every day. If I drank a low alcohol beer, I was able to stop at one, but if I opened a bottle of wine, I’d drink the whole thing.
What spurred me to reevaluate my relationship to alcohol was the effect it had on my sleep. When I drank even one beer, I’d wake up at 3am and be unable to go back to sleep. It was worse if I drank wine. Then I’d wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest. Both my parents had heart disease, which I’m certain was partially the result of drinking. My dad died of a heart attack at 57. He was a heavy everyday drinker, and I’m not sure he ever tried to stop drinking. Mom was a moderate but daily drinker like me (one or two glasses of wine). She lived to be 90, dying as a result of numerous strokes. The strokes were caused by atrial fibrillation (afib), a heart condition in which the upper chambers of the heart beat out of sync with the ventricles. Blood pools in the heart causing clots which travel to the brain, resulting in strokes. So I think it’s safe to say that though my mom lived a long life, alcohol was partially responsible for her death.
I'm using Dry January to stop drinking entirely. I want to stay in good health for as long as I can for my granddaughter.
I’m loving this thread!! Would have been perfect for drinking diaries! Alas, I had my fill of writing about drinking, but people have so much to say! Next up: menopause diaries. Hahaha
Same here. That’s why I never finish a martini! It’s only the first three sips for me, then it just tastes like alcohol. I do still love tasting cocktails but I know better than to finish one unless I’ve got a large plate of fries to go with it. And another one coming.
I never drank to get drunk— it’s always been an exploration of taste. Getting drink has always felt crappy. I’m just lucky they way I guess? Preempted getting hooked on it. And my motto is, if I “need” a drink, don’t have it.
I have also taken to making mini versions of cocktails in tiny glasses where, say, in my “martini” the olive takes up a good half of the whole cup 😂. I have a collection of these little glasses, I find them in thrift shops.
I was in Mexico the first week of January so “dry” it was not. I enjoy an ice cold cervesa on the hot beach. One is enough. I was surrounded by heavy drinking and realized this is no longer my jam. I am in my late 60’s ( I have not come to terms with the # as yet) and I know my limit. Who wants to wake up feeling like crap when you can walk the ocean and see the sunrise?
I’m 5”2 and used to able to drink men twice my size under the table - except when I couldn’t. My tolerance for alcohol would disappear when I was pms-ing, although it took years to realize it. The unpredictable lack of consistency in how much I could drink made for some um *interesting* times. Anyway there was definitely a hormonal link for me. Stopped completely with first pregnancy at 34, never went back.
I really have felt like it must be a hormonal link as well. After it taking 50 years to figure out that was the cause of my IBS now I’m starting to look at everything from a hormonal perspective
So many comments about alcohol. When asked why I don’t drink, I just say I reached my lifetime quota four years ago. You can use that if you decide to stop. Works like a charm. But it’s hard to stop. So I envy anyone who has a take it or leave it relationship with alcohol.
At age 56, I’m at the point where I can have one and a half glasses of wine at one time. Anything over that and I have the worst migraine. Something definitely changed. I love the ritual of having wine when I eat dinner out, so I try to savor the one glass. Sigh. Would love to know why this is... metabolism? Age?
Leah! I think often about the wonderful Drinking Diaries website and anthology you did with Caren, that I got to take part in. I really wish someone would do a study on this so we could know why, and also maybe discover a remedy.
That's the ideal amount for me, too. For a while I was frustrated with one, and too tipsy with two, and then I realized... I could just not drink the second half of the second glass.
I increased my drinking during the pandemic from four to five glasses of wine a week to one and then two every night. I felt like crap and sometimes stared at the ceiling in the wee hours wondering why I had lost control of myself. At 62 I am finally paying attention to my body and have drastically throttled back. Am feeling significantly better and finding that breaking this habit (so far) has been easier than I expected. Neko, ❤️ your songs!
My tolerance for alcohol has changed as I've aged, too. I thought it was just me! Starting in my 40s, more than one glass of wine would result in sleep disturbance and hang over. I just stopped drinking because it wasn't worth it. Now, at 54, I have maybe 2 drinks per year and when I do, I'll drink super slowly and with a large meal to offset any symptoms (but it's always a risk!). I'm surprised doctors have not seen or researched this, but glad to learn it's a shared experience.
Yes, but none of them are about alcohol *tolerance* and menopause. They are only about the harmful effects of alcohol on older women's health. Not on how you feel when you drink.
This is a huge issue for me since I’m a sommelier. I love booze. I love the histories and stories around it, the smell, the taste. It doesn’t love me back anymore. At 54, half a glass and I’m red faced and sleepy.
My wife and I are in our late 60s and we both decided this past October to stop drinking for a while. (I didn't know about Sober October until afterwards.) I'd been drinking 2 beers a day just before dinner religiously, for about as long as I can remember. I have to say, I love that, both the taste (I'm a beer snob) and the pre-dinner buzz. It's truly rare for me to continue beyond the 2nd beer and so it never seemed to be a problem.
But I also thought I should reckon with the fact that 1) my longstanding 12 oz bottles were now 16 oz cans, 2) my typical 5-7% alcohol (ABV) beers -- with occasional stronger Belgian ales -- were now routinely 8-10% ABV New England IPAs. So I figured 32oz of ~9% alcohol 7 nights a week might not be so good for this aging brain and body. I also was curious to see if abstaining would help my sleep.
First thing that happened is I dropped 5 lbs in 30 days -- apparently all from my belly. (I hadn't considered myself overweight, but I had to admit, I looked better without those 5 lbs.) I decided to extend my abstinence. Then I heard a podcast (Huberman Lab) that made me realize my moderate drinking wasn't so moderate, and that the ill effects could be worse than I'd imagined. (I think Huberman overstates his case, and as a lifelong non-drinker he doesn't also appreciate some of the positives, but I won't go into that here. Bottom line though is that he does cite some compelling data indicating even moderate drinking may be worse than we thought.)
So now, approaching the 4 month mark, I've had two beers total and a glass of champagne on Christmas Eve with my family. I lost a few more pounds, and surprisingly, I don't feel like this is a big test of willpower. I wish I could say my sleep has improved a lot, though. I don't feel like if I share a beer with my wife or enjoy a pint with a friend now and then I've "fallen off the wagon." But I do like the idea that if I have an occasional drink it's with greater intention than habit.
.I never thought about stopping until that night I spent in jail for drunk driving. The matron was kind, offering me an extra paper thin blanket for the damp San Francisco night, but all my stories about myself as a social drinker evaporated in the shock and shame of it. Me? In jail? I had been in jail many times, but it was always on purpose. Getting arrested was a part of my political life. A source of pride. Not this time. Now I was on a steel shelf, huddled under two unsuccessful covers, dizzy, still drunk, cold and trying to avoid the three other women in the holding cell. Thankfully, they wanted to avoid me as well. Each of us is there because something that was supposed to work---didn’t. The drug deal that fell through. The boyfriend who got mad. The customer who wouldn’t pay. The runaway who got caught. And me, the woman who marched, picketed, demonstrated and even got arrested in the service of these women with whom I was now sharing a cell.
I think in retrospect it was the dissonance that kept me from constructing yet another story about what had happened that would allow me to avoid identifying the heart of the story. My drinking.
Drinking accompanied my life, but anxiety did as well. Of course they’re both loosely related, anxiety and the drinking, although I began drinking as a public way to be chic. In 1954 I thought sophisticated people wore lovely clothes in fine restaurants while holding a Chesterfield. I didn’t have to know anything, do anything or be anyone to appear elegant. Just a drink and a cigarette signaled your all around suaveness. Plus my parents drank every night.
Then, in my 20’s, I discovered I actually felt shorter, smarter and more confident when I had a drink and a cigarette which was a triple plus. And off I went, careening down the decades, my props at the ready.
After my divorce, I had a long ivory cigarette holder imagining panache which I now embarrassedly recognize as a touching pretentiousness especially when my alcoholic tastes still ran to rum and Tab. But the shorter, confident and smarter me continued to be emerge with each drink, although now I shudder at decisions that I imagined were daring and kind of in-the-know-ish which were risky, and several potentially dangerous.
But while I wasn’t becoming shorter, I was becoming smarter, had returned to college and my confidence was growing. Eventually, after the third try, I stopped smoking. One prop down, one left to go.
Over the years, my neck and everything else began to soften. My drinking had progressed to gin and bourbon, expanding in periods of stress and receding in more emotionally stable periods. But even the receding periods were becoming more than I needed for that rush of alls right with not only the world but with me-ness I sought.
I remember reading that alcohol allows you to know what it is you feel without the necessity of actually feeling it. My insights during my drinking years were rich and deep and complex. But gin and tonic allowed them to remain astonishing, oft repeated insights. No change required.
Then I got cancer. In my neck. And a surgeon had to make an incision to cut it out. Now my neck is soft with a scar across it. And my partner died. And my children started to make their own mistakes. And I was growing older and older. Soon after my sixtieth birthday, I stopped drinking. Knowing I would never be able to be a moderate drinker, I removed choice from the equation and stopped. For nearly a year I drank a cold Fresca in a chilled wine glass at 5:00 which helped. But after a while I didn’t need that either. I was left alone with myself, nothing to remove me from where I was.
The nearly twenty four years since then have been some of the best of my life.
This is incredible. Thank you for sharing, Sandra.
You are an incredible storyteller. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you Kar. There are, as you might imagine, many stories that dot the landscape of alcohol. This was the first one that surfaced. Perhaps I'll write more.....
🫰🫰
Thank you for sharing. When I moved to NYC I realized how much drunk driving I had done when I lived in Indiana (this was pre uber/lyft and Indianapolis does not have good public transportation) It’s crazy to think how lucky I was
Ditto. Bay Area to NYC but same deal.
Beautifully told. Is this a first draft? You're a natural writer. I, too, am exulting in old age.
I don't know that I would call it a first draft. It simply emerged onto the screen with uncomplicated ease. Probably because I had thought about the content so much and for so long. The Kitchen is Closed: And Other Benefits of Being Old was published last July. It is indeed an exultation. I hope you enjoy. it. And thank you for your appreciative note.
❤️❤️
You had the courage to stop, brave you. Congratulations. Truly, you’re a hero to me. I know how tough it can be.
Powerful and courageous, like your other writing which I have admired for decades. Thank you!
How lovely to awaken on a Sunday morning to find your appreciative message. Thank you!
Good for you: I get it. I got sober in 2010. It profoundly changed my life.
I'm the same as you, booze hates me. Hahaha! I have begun to really enjoy virgin cocktails make with different flavored shrubs, which are yummy fermented vinegar. I can't really tolerate sugar either so the shrub with bubbly water has been a refreshing celebratory beverage.
Ah, yes, I love shrubs and bubbly water!
So good, right!? And they are supposed to be a little good for you. Maybe... hahahaha
Deelish. Just the right amount of bitterness/astringency to feel as if you're having a cocktail. AND good for you. Cheers to that!
Right there with you. My fav mocktail is simply soda and bitters with a lemon twist. No sugar, has a hint of a real cocktail flavor, and the worst side effects are hydration and digestive support. Plus it is cheap AF and looks like a whiskey soda so you don't get a million people asking why you aren't drinking.
People asking why you're not drinking is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. There are dozens of reasons someone might not be drinking--ALL of which are nobody's business. Alcoholism, pain medicine, pregnancy, illness, religion... seriously. Luckily this happens less as the crowd ages.
Amen! Well stated.
Remember when we were younger and not drinking at a party everyone assumed you were pregnant? Ha ha ha...that's not a problem anymore...I also don't get asked if I am going to "try for the boy" like I was constantly when I was with my three little girls..
I made a good shrub several months ago and thought "Hey, I should do this more often," then promptly forgot, so thanks for reminding me!
What a great idea!
I’m obsessed with making shrubs! I love the deferred gratification of creating them, and they are the perfect complex combination, all we need is a little soda water and citrus!
Can anyone share how they make shrubs? Is it more of a formula with adaptations, or shall I go looking for recipes?
👏🔥
I love drinking, and I love the Friday night ritual that my spouse and I have, where we put an end to. our week of work (and our habit of not drinking Mon - Thur) with a cocktail or glass of wine, standing on a little hill behind our house, where you get a good view of the sky. My problem is that -- like others here -- my body is less tolerant of alcohol that it was when I was younger (I'm 65). I can handle two glasses of wine, or a cocktail and a glass of wine, no more. When I exceed those limits (which I find too easy to do), I sleep badly and wake up feeling parched and sad and wobbly. I've considered just giving up alcohol and probably should, but it feels like giving up a piece of my marriage. That's where I'm at.
I completely understand this! The new research saying it's just bad for you is compelling, and it's too easy for me to drink daily, plus the financial cost -- I would like to mostly give it up. But a big part of that is the relaxation and focus of sitting with my husband and talking about our day and life -- nothing else seems to replace that.
Yes, it's that relaxed state of mind, loose and playful, that you go to together. I wonder if CBD or pot gummies or some other product would have a similar effect.
I love a half an indica gummy...
Thanks for the tip! Going on order some.
im there too...but not adverse to sipping some good scotch along with it...or...ok ....bolstering with another half gummy! .....alcoholism is part of a pattern of behaviour i denied until reached 40 and was counselled by a brilliant older Irish guy in a class i was required to attend due to errant behaviours. Now i didn't stop going on the occasional stress releasing inebriated one night spree but have no need to keep booze or beer in house except for friends because it goes straight to post middle age stomach and i am a vain motherfucker....lol
🫰🫰🔥. Yes. It’s hard to cut it out completely.
At 54 I find two glasses of anything means a serious hangover and lousy sleep for me, which is a total bummer. I have barely had any wine for a few years because it always leads to a crummy next day. I stick to beer mostly and weave in the non alcoholic beers which can be pretty darn good. The reality? I shouldn't drink at all, ever.
Does this ever improve? A friend told me our chemistry can change again and alcohol becomes processable again...wishful thinking is my guess.
Mmmm I hear that ❤️
From the title of this post, I thought it would be a discussion about vaginal dryness. LOL. Anyway, I have cut down my alcohol consumption and I obsessively check the ABV % on beers. A hangover is a waste of my time and money so I don’t do it anymore.
Another subject for another time!
😂🤯
Ha! I thought the same thing about the vaginas! I was all ready to talk lube!
Another subject for another time!
😂😂
Yep. Me, too! Thanks, Sari, for this interesting thread. Alcohol is a topic that's often on my mind. Two ex-husbands (one dead from cancer and alcohol) were alcoholics.
I'm a light-weight, too, and it's changed as I've aged. (58)
Is alcohol an enjoyable crutch? Yes. Does 1-2 drinks make me an alcoholic? No. Maybe. Does being mindful of it (writing here, chatting about it openly) make me feel good about my moderation or is it clever, subconscious rationalization? Yes, both?
I remember when the studies came out that margarine was better for you than butter. My mom dutifully switched. Years later, it was reported that butter was just fine and I gleefully switched back. When I hear research around alcohol, I try to give it an earnest ear, but have come to treat the studies lightly. Taken in light of my overall well-being, their proclamations sit temporarily in the back of my mind, as little niggle-naggles.
Sometimes, I wonder what the Irish or the French (or whoever) would think about my/our hand-wringing? Thanks, Sari!
As an Irish-French person this is all so fascinating to me. There isn’t a word for alcoholism in French it’s just like not a thing and for Ireland…well I think our linkage to drinking is based on continuous years of trauma passed down. My french grandmother started serving me wine when I was like 10 which maybe made me not that serious about getting drunk when I was at that age when young adults get interested in drinking…
Whenever doctors ask if there’s a history of alcoholism in my family I say “I’m half Irish and half French, so yes?”
But I remember talking to a woman whose French mother was told to drink wine every day of her pregnancy for health reasons whereas here in the US we are generally told to avoid it. I wonder if it has to do with Americans I ability to “consume in moderation” (#notallamericans)
Interesting regional perspective!
thanks for this!
Very self-aware and insightful comment ❤️🫰
Ha, same!
😂😂
After years of denial, after finding myself one evening with a gun barrel in m y mouth, after discovering that booze made me break out in handcuffs, I admitted I simply could not drink in safety. I had a wonderful family and a fair degree of professional success, blessings I'd used to fend off any charged of pathological drinking. I was on the point of losing all that.
Maybe it's not for everyone, but Alcoholics Anonymous has kept me sober for decades, and life is immeasurably better.
That's wonderful. I'm glad you found your way to AA.
24 years sober here, one day at a time.
Awesome!!! 12 here ❤️
Yes! I do AA. Sober 12-plus years. Saved my life. I relate an incredible amount to what you said here. It’s great to be sober! I write about it in my Substack sometimes.
Michael Mohr
‘Sincere American Writing’
https://michaelmohr.substack.com/
I am glad you found AA too, an unfailing guise not only to sobriety but also to a well lived existence.
I meant unfailing GUIDE; it provides the opposite of a guise, in fact.
I had a complicated relationship with alcohol and so I eventually decided that the hassle was unnecessary. We broke up in 2020. My body was telling me that she was a terrible mistress who treated me poorly; my head reminded me that I was at least half responsible for the mess. My body thanks me every day. My head has doubts.
Well said.
Congrats on quitting. You’re better for it!
Thanks for this thread, Sari
I come from an alcoholic family going back at least two generations (that I know about), and I married an alcoholic (subsequently divorced). I drank moderately almost every day for about fifty years (I'm 78 gasp!), usually wine or beer. On festive occasions I’d drink too much, but I didn’t worry about that so much as I did about the daily drinking. I tried AA several times, but found it not to be helpful to me. During the last stint about 8 years ago, my sponsor basically kicked me out of the program. Okay, fine.
I went a full year without alcohol before the pandemic, and then started up the daily drinking, perhaps out of boredom. My pregnant daughter came to live with me. She didn’t drink during her pregnancy or while nursing the baby. After she stopped nursing and went back to work, she joined me for a social hour every afternoon. Eventually my daughter and granddaughter got their own place, but I kept drinking every day. If I drank a low alcohol beer, I was able to stop at one, but if I opened a bottle of wine, I’d drink the whole thing.
What spurred me to reevaluate my relationship to alcohol was the effect it had on my sleep. When I drank even one beer, I’d wake up at 3am and be unable to go back to sleep. It was worse if I drank wine. Then I’d wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest. Both my parents had heart disease, which I’m certain was partially the result of drinking. My dad died of a heart attack at 57. He was a heavy everyday drinker, and I’m not sure he ever tried to stop drinking. Mom was a moderate but daily drinker like me (one or two glasses of wine). She lived to be 90, dying as a result of numerous strokes. The strokes were caused by atrial fibrillation (afib), a heart condition in which the upper chambers of the heart beat out of sync with the ventricles. Blood pools in the heart causing clots which travel to the brain, resulting in strokes. So I think it’s safe to say that though my mom lived a long life, alcohol was partially responsible for her death.
I'm using Dry January to stop drinking entirely. I want to stay in good health for as long as I can for my granddaughter.
Good luck! And thank you for sharing.
Excellent ❤️❤️❤️
I love having a cocktail. I love that first sip of gin when the elevator drops. I didn't drink when I was younger. A tragically wasted life. xxL
I miss that first sip of wine, when the elevator drops!
I’m loving this thread!! Would have been perfect for drinking diaries! Alas, I had my fill of writing about drinking, but people have so much to say! Next up: menopause diaries. Hahaha
Yes, definitely going to do some menopause stuff! Thank you for the Drinking Diaries!
Thanks, Caren! I loved The Drinking Diaries, website and book! And was happy to take part! Gonna tackle menopause here soon...
Same here. That’s why I never finish a martini! It’s only the first three sips for me, then it just tastes like alcohol. I do still love tasting cocktails but I know better than to finish one unless I’ve got a large plate of fries to go with it. And another one coming.
I like that you are able to enjoy a few sips at least!
I never drank to get drunk— it’s always been an exploration of taste. Getting drink has always felt crappy. I’m just lucky they way I guess? Preempted getting hooked on it. And my motto is, if I “need” a drink, don’t have it.
I like the sips idea.
I have also taken to making mini versions of cocktails in tiny glasses where, say, in my “martini” the olive takes up a good half of the whole cup 😂. I have a collection of these little glasses, I find them in thrift shops.
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What does this mean--"when the elevator drops?"
Let it mean whatever is conjured for you.
For me it's the warmth going down the esophagus and spreading throughout my whole body, brain and then the whole world. ;-)
I was in Mexico the first week of January so “dry” it was not. I enjoy an ice cold cervesa on the hot beach. One is enough. I was surrounded by heavy drinking and realized this is no longer my jam. I am in my late 60’s ( I have not come to terms with the # as yet) and I know my limit. Who wants to wake up feeling like crap when you can walk the ocean and see the sunrise?
Yes exactly
I’m 5”2 and used to able to drink men twice my size under the table - except when I couldn’t. My tolerance for alcohol would disappear when I was pms-ing, although it took years to realize it. The unpredictable lack of consistency in how much I could drink made for some um *interesting* times. Anyway there was definitely a hormonal link for me. Stopped completely with first pregnancy at 34, never went back.
I really have felt like it must be a hormonal link as well. After it taking 50 years to figure out that was the cause of my IBS now I’m starting to look at everything from a hormonal perspective
YESSSS there is a definite hormonal correlation. I would almost always be the sickest if I drank during my period.
Awesome 👏
So many comments about alcohol. When asked why I don’t drink, I just say I reached my lifetime quota four years ago. You can use that if you decide to stop. Works like a charm. But it’s hard to stop. So I envy anyone who has a take it or leave it relationship with alcohol.
I tell them my liver has 490,000 miles on it already
Yes 🙌
At age 56, I’m at the point where I can have one and a half glasses of wine at one time. Anything over that and I have the worst migraine. Something definitely changed. I love the ritual of having wine when I eat dinner out, so I try to savor the one glass. Sigh. Would love to know why this is... metabolism? Age?
Leah! I think often about the wonderful Drinking Diaries website and anthology you did with Caren, that I got to take part in. I really wish someone would do a study on this so we could know why, and also maybe discover a remedy.
Yes! Maybe some supplements we could take to help our bodies with the processing so that we can still enjoy those occasional drinks.
Thanks sari. Amazing to read this thread and how much people have to say! Makes me nostalgic!
That's the ideal amount for me, too. For a while I was frustrated with one, and too tipsy with two, and then I realized... I could just not drink the second half of the second glass.
I increased my drinking during the pandemic from four to five glasses of wine a week to one and then two every night. I felt like crap and sometimes stared at the ceiling in the wee hours wondering why I had lost control of myself. At 62 I am finally paying attention to my body and have drastically throttled back. Am feeling significantly better and finding that breaking this habit (so far) has been easier than I expected. Neko, ❤️ your songs!
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My tolerance for alcohol has changed as I've aged, too. I thought it was just me! Starting in my 40s, more than one glass of wine would result in sleep disturbance and hang over. I just stopped drinking because it wasn't worth it. Now, at 54, I have maybe 2 drinks per year and when I do, I'll drink super slowly and with a large meal to offset any symptoms (but it's always a risk!). I'm surprised doctors have not seen or researched this, but glad to learn it's a shared experience.
I hadn't thought about how little attention the medical establishment has paid to this common aspect of our aging. Thank you for opening my eyes here.
The medical establishment doesn’t know anything about women
If you’re interested in reading medical studies just google endocrine menopause alcohol. There are many actually.
Yes, but none of them are about alcohol *tolerance* and menopause. They are only about the harmful effects of alcohol on older women's health. Not on how you feel when you drink.
I'm both glad and sad you can relate...
This is a huge issue for me since I’m a sommelier. I love booze. I love the histories and stories around it, the smell, the taste. It doesn’t love me back anymore. At 54, half a glass and I’m red faced and sleepy.
My wife and I are in our late 60s and we both decided this past October to stop drinking for a while. (I didn't know about Sober October until afterwards.) I'd been drinking 2 beers a day just before dinner religiously, for about as long as I can remember. I have to say, I love that, both the taste (I'm a beer snob) and the pre-dinner buzz. It's truly rare for me to continue beyond the 2nd beer and so it never seemed to be a problem.
But I also thought I should reckon with the fact that 1) my longstanding 12 oz bottles were now 16 oz cans, 2) my typical 5-7% alcohol (ABV) beers -- with occasional stronger Belgian ales -- were now routinely 8-10% ABV New England IPAs. So I figured 32oz of ~9% alcohol 7 nights a week might not be so good for this aging brain and body. I also was curious to see if abstaining would help my sleep.
First thing that happened is I dropped 5 lbs in 30 days -- apparently all from my belly. (I hadn't considered myself overweight, but I had to admit, I looked better without those 5 lbs.) I decided to extend my abstinence. Then I heard a podcast (Huberman Lab) that made me realize my moderate drinking wasn't so moderate, and that the ill effects could be worse than I'd imagined. (I think Huberman overstates his case, and as a lifelong non-drinker he doesn't also appreciate some of the positives, but I won't go into that here. Bottom line though is that he does cite some compelling data indicating even moderate drinking may be worse than we thought.)
So now, approaching the 4 month mark, I've had two beers total and a glass of champagne on Christmas Eve with my family. I lost a few more pounds, and surprisingly, I don't feel like this is a big test of willpower. I wish I could say my sleep has improved a lot, though. I don't feel like if I share a beer with my wife or enjoy a pint with a friend now and then I've "fallen off the wagon." But I do like the idea that if I have an occasional drink it's with greater intention than habit.