What a poignant story! I'm so sorry this happened to you. How many of us are living with attachment disorders because our parents didn't understand how pre-verbal children process experience? I have similar memories from 1953-1955 as my mother suffered an ectopic pregnancy (I was 18 months old) then delivered a healthy girl in 1955. After multiple midnight car rides to stay with relatives (tumbling around huge back seats, alone in the dark) I decided that I had to be perfect or they would give me away, replace me with a better girl. I was in my 60s before I understood what had happened. Blessings to you for sharing this.
Hi Janice! You do know your story is universal. Today, September 11, 2023, my "baby brother," also born in 1953, is turning 70, I having been born in 1951. I visited him in Indianapolis over the weekend. Our story paths diverge in that this baby brother did not suffer from "problems." He was all sweetness and light. For this I have forgiven him. Either way, first borns are the demons, fallen from grace, and yet everything is expected of us. It is still exhausting. Thank you for your story., our story. Margaret Mandell
I could feel you pushing against the tide throughout the whole story. The way you told it, straightforward and without exaggerated language, was very effective in allowing the reader to be in your head. The scene of the bris was so vivid, including the food and being so small among the grownups. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. What a powerful telling of such a brutally unjust upbringing. I can't help but notice how your experience, at the hands of your parents, is a reflection of the collective trauma of Jews throughout Eurocentric history: demonization, and becoming the scapegoat for all that society cannot tolerate about itself. Trauma begets trauma when not attended to. I am so sorry that you were so horribly victimized by your own family. May you find relief from the pain that has caused you. 💔❤️🩹
Thank you for sharing these powerful, overlapping narratives. Oof. The human need to assign blame when there likely is none to be found, and the tendency of adults to pick the easiest hook, which is often a child. Many adults, in my experience, don't even realize they're doing it, they're so unconscious and emotionally reactive about it. I'm sorry you got assigned this blame, Janice, and that your own experience was so clearly ignored. Congratulations for claiming your story and writing about it so beautifully.
After my nephews were born in the late 80s my mother, then nearly 70, confided that her generation didn't understand what we now call receptive versus expressive language. She didn't understand that a child who could not yet speak could both understand language and make pre-verbal meaning out of experience. It's easy to forget how new this knowledge of early childhood learning is in the history of humankind.
My heart ached reading this. I’m 54 and the oldest of 4, and can relate in a small way, although nothing this intense. I’m so sorry they put all that on your tiny shoulders.
The devaluation of female children to laud males is a ridiculous and obsolete cultural cesspool. It’s very self-destructive to any society too. And the obvious damage it caused is indelible, so far.
People used to commiserate with my dad that he “only” had two girls, right in front of us! He must have agreed because he cared little about us, well until he came around looking for an organ transplant…
Sorry about your experiences...I hope that you have been able to synthesize and put it all in perspective. I am lucky to look back, understand, and then move on. Janice
my heart is in my throat with this. It's hard to think that such misunderstanding and blaming happens for a lifetime of a once toddler...and I know it's true for me as well with my sibling and parents. I blip in and out of detachment from that and try to move on like you described so clearly. it's a mixed bag, moving forward and denial. Such delicate oscillation to keep the rowing in line with the movement of the craft...metaphor alert. Your awareness seems raw and honest and I wonder what other roles you hold in the world...wondering who are you in other spaces? I just wonder. Maybe for my own comfort, so not your job to supply anything. But I can imagine a pretty wide range with awareness and endurance, like your's.
Hi, Thanks for asking. I have retired from a career in education, practice yoga, swim in the ocean, am close with my 3 daughters, sons in laws and 4 grandchildren. Writing is something new to me, that I plan to continue. All the best, Janice
Janice, as long as you "struggle to break free from this early feelings", all the people of good will around should keep repeating you simple truths:
- You have not hurt your brother,
- In fact, by taking the impact of the fall, you have _protected_ your little brother from injury,
- Your curiosity about new baby was a natural, healthy reaction of a loving sister,
- None of Steven's struggle was your fault,
- (who am I to write this here, but I have to) You are not, and never have been a demon.
I wish you wholeheartedly that you come to believe these truths unconditionally, that you absolve yourself from any guilt, that you live long years without this unsubstantiated burden so unjustly imposed on you.
I recently read that scapegoats make convenient foils for families who stay together *because* they get to unite in their finger pointing. We rarely get to hear the origin story of the one silenced in the corner, let alone a story of the life shaped by that first story. Thank you so, so much for telling it.
Awful early memory! Maybe that's why I seem to have blacked out all of my childhood memories. There's a little fuzz that creeps through between ages 7 and 11, but not much. Bits and pieces.
I am 82 and can relate to so much in your story, being the older sister to the prized boy baby. Can't remember the bris, but so much else resonates. Wonderful writing--I hope to read more of your writing.
I want to give little you a hug. It never ceases to shock me when adults attribute adult-sized motives to children.
Brilliant! Hugs back to you. xoxo, Janice
What a poignant story! I'm so sorry this happened to you. How many of us are living with attachment disorders because our parents didn't understand how pre-verbal children process experience? I have similar memories from 1953-1955 as my mother suffered an ectopic pregnancy (I was 18 months old) then delivered a healthy girl in 1955. After multiple midnight car rides to stay with relatives (tumbling around huge back seats, alone in the dark) I decided that I had to be perfect or they would give me away, replace me with a better girl. I was in my 60s before I understood what had happened. Blessings to you for sharing this.
Wow, I always felt that way too.... Great insight, thanks. Janice
Hi Janice! You do know your story is universal. Today, September 11, 2023, my "baby brother," also born in 1953, is turning 70, I having been born in 1951. I visited him in Indianapolis over the weekend. Our story paths diverge in that this baby brother did not suffer from "problems." He was all sweetness and light. For this I have forgiven him. Either way, first borns are the demons, fallen from grace, and yet everything is expected of us. It is still exhausting. Thank you for your story., our story. Margaret Mandell
Thank you for reading this. I feel less alone after reading your story, I guess the first borns of the world pave the path for our siblings. Janice
So vivid. I can completely picture everything as described. I feel the writer’s pain and sadness and it is devastating.
I could feel you pushing against the tide throughout the whole story. The way you told it, straightforward and without exaggerated language, was very effective in allowing the reader to be in your head. The scene of the bris was so vivid, including the food and being so small among the grownups. Thank you for sharing.
Thank. you for the praise!! Janice
Wow. What a powerful telling of such a brutally unjust upbringing. I can't help but notice how your experience, at the hands of your parents, is a reflection of the collective trauma of Jews throughout Eurocentric history: demonization, and becoming the scapegoat for all that society cannot tolerate about itself. Trauma begets trauma when not attended to. I am so sorry that you were so horribly victimized by your own family. May you find relief from the pain that has caused you. 💔❤️🩹
Thankfully, writing about it has freed me! I found perspective and forgive myself. Thank you!!! Janice
Thank you for sharing these powerful, overlapping narratives. Oof. The human need to assign blame when there likely is none to be found, and the tendency of adults to pick the easiest hook, which is often a child. Many adults, in my experience, don't even realize they're doing it, they're so unconscious and emotionally reactive about it. I'm sorry you got assigned this blame, Janice, and that your own experience was so clearly ignored. Congratulations for claiming your story and writing about it so beautifully.
Thanks! I also think that parenting in those days was not focused on children's feelings. We have come a long way. Janice
After my nephews were born in the late 80s my mother, then nearly 70, confided that her generation didn't understand what we now call receptive versus expressive language. She didn't understand that a child who could not yet speak could both understand language and make pre-verbal meaning out of experience. It's easy to forget how new this knowledge of early childhood learning is in the history of humankind.
Thanks for recognizing this.... it always felt unjust, and I could not express it, or didn't think it would be heard. Janice
My heart ached reading this. I’m 54 and the oldest of 4, and can relate in a small way, although nothing this intense. I’m so sorry they put all that on your tiny shoulders.
The devaluation of female children to laud males is a ridiculous and obsolete cultural cesspool. It’s very self-destructive to any society too. And the obvious damage it caused is indelible, so far.
People used to commiserate with my dad that he “only” had two girls, right in front of us! He must have agreed because he cared little about us, well until he came around looking for an organ transplant…
Sorry about your experiences...I hope that you have been able to synthesize and put it all in perspective. I am lucky to look back, understand, and then move on. Janice
my heart is in my throat with this. It's hard to think that such misunderstanding and blaming happens for a lifetime of a once toddler...and I know it's true for me as well with my sibling and parents. I blip in and out of detachment from that and try to move on like you described so clearly. it's a mixed bag, moving forward and denial. Such delicate oscillation to keep the rowing in line with the movement of the craft...metaphor alert. Your awareness seems raw and honest and I wonder what other roles you hold in the world...wondering who are you in other spaces? I just wonder. Maybe for my own comfort, so not your job to supply anything. But I can imagine a pretty wide range with awareness and endurance, like your's.
Hi, Thanks for asking. I have retired from a career in education, practice yoga, swim in the ocean, am close with my 3 daughters, sons in laws and 4 grandchildren. Writing is something new to me, that I plan to continue. All the best, Janice
Janice, as long as you "struggle to break free from this early feelings", all the people of good will around should keep repeating you simple truths:
- You have not hurt your brother,
- In fact, by taking the impact of the fall, you have _protected_ your little brother from injury,
- Your curiosity about new baby was a natural, healthy reaction of a loving sister,
- None of Steven's struggle was your fault,
- (who am I to write this here, but I have to) You are not, and never have been a demon.
I wish you wholeheartedly that you come to believe these truths unconditionally, that you absolve yourself from any guilt, that you live long years without this unsubstantiated burden so unjustly imposed on you.
The problem was less guilt, as I knew my motives had been pure, and more so frustration at never being heard or listened to. Thanks, Janice
I recently read that scapegoats make convenient foils for families who stay together *because* they get to unite in their finger pointing. We rarely get to hear the origin story of the one silenced in the corner, let alone a story of the life shaped by that first story. Thank you so, so much for telling it.
Yup, I was the scapegoat, it was brought up as a "joke" whenever things went wrong. Thanks for recognizing this. Janice
Awful early memory! Maybe that's why I seem to have blacked out all of my childhood memories. There's a little fuzz that creeps through between ages 7 and 11, but not much. Bits and pieces.
It came through for me miraculously, and has helped to purge those feelings. Thanks, Janice
This is heartbreaking.
Very powerful. Heartbreaking
I am 82 and can relate to so much in your story, being the older sister to the prized boy baby. Can't remember the bris, but so much else resonates. Wonderful writing--I hope to read more of your writing.