At 65, Elli Benaiah traces the patterns that have shaped his life over time, recognizing the value in even the more bitter moments that have made him who he is.
In truth, this essay is there for me too — something to return to, to remember, and to steady myself when I’m down. I’m glad it found its way to you, and perhaps to others who are wondering whether they’ve gotten lost along the way.
Elli, I found your essay thought-provoking and your onion metaphor very meaningful. Having had a journey that included living in Bavaria in my late 20s and early 30s in an international mission organization, then a long military career followed by coaching and finally becoming a psychotherapist in my late 60s and into my 70s, it's in looking back that I can clearly see the thread that was always there, the real meaning and purpose of my life: serving and helping others find their way in life. There certainly have been times of "chopping onions on my heart," but the outcome has been deep, mellow and rich through the sautéing process of life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Oldster.
Dear Greg, thank you for sharing this. You may be ten years my senior, but insight and life experience are not measured only in years; there is a qualitative dimension too.
A life devoted to serving others carries deep meaning, and as I read your words I recognised myself there as well - whether representing accused people, cooking for strangers, driving children, or writing now. In that sense, our paths feel closely aligned.
I’ve also come to believe that in all service, however altruistic, there is a quiet self-serving element - not in a cynical way, but in the human satisfaction of knowing one has done some good. Perhaps that, too, is part of what sustains us over time.
To me winding down for retirement is a joy. No more deadlines for someone else. No more work I don’t love because I have bills. Etc. I expect the last quarter of my life to be the most fulfilling.
Sometimes retirement sounds dreamy to me…other times I think it might never be financially feasible for me, and/or it would be hard to stop because I enjoy working.
Hi Benaiah from an icy Costa Clyde.I like your comparison of the 'self' with an onion and the Hebrew quote likening our life's journey to peeling an onion is so apt. There are few more layers on my 'Onion Self' ,I'm 82 heading into 83.Yes, yes, " Aging, I've come to believe at least in my case it isn't about slowing down. It's about the courage to keep shifting gears until you reach the right speed for you. Like the fortunate many who survived COVID because of the vaccine and favourable circumstances, I had to shift gears; stayed put on the the small island where we have lived for the past thirty five years and reluctantly typed up some of my diary and later got it published. and had no more funds to continue the work of my self-funded with pro bono corporate support. During last Summer I joined the local leisure centre shown how the Techno Gym treadmill, operated stepped on and got it moving too fast and came off and landed on my back struck the old box that keeps that precious many layered onion, tot the dismay of the manager, who made me sit in a chair at her desk and brought me a cup of water; Duncan the Baths master to all the arriving punters, queueing up to sign in ,said," Slow down David ,You are the second oldest member, here." Years ago I would have fled in shame what a berk,never to return; got back up the road at 6am on and this morning I on my bike. Great message i I shall continue to keep on keeping on peeling onions. Ambition was to become a chef ,I've worked in not a few kitchens as Dishwasher Kitchen Porter. MyDear Dad kept on sending me funds from 1961-1970 to stay in Canada to finish a Batchelor of Arts degree ." If you are given lemons, make lemonade
I smiled reading this. I can empathise deeply — with the number of onions peeled and dishes washed that thirty years of jury trials never prepared me for. Some lessons only arrive through the hands. Ah, and my first name is Elli.
This is wonderful! I have always said, even 40 years ago, that I have to live a long life in order to "become a decent human being." People rush to say, oh no. But they never ask, What is a decent human being? This is a portrait of a very decent human being!
So intense this contribution! I love this article very much. While reading, I felt the pain, the striving, the questions, the inner fire, the love... Oh my, sending my best wishes for all the shoulders and knees. Thank you for being so open!
Thank you so much, Corina. I’m touched that the intensity came through — the pain, the fire, and the love. For a long time the road was so bumpy that I metaphorically bit my lip not to cry. Now I’m finally letting it out, and it feels unexpectedly good.
And yes, the shoulders and knees have definitely had a vote in the narrative as well. I appreciate your kindness and your good wishes more than you know.
Thank you, Elli, for responding so openly. Yes, the beauty comes (among others) from your openness and vulnerability, I believe. I am very grateful for your piece! It is very inspiring. My best wishes from Frankfurt to Munich
The wisdom, guidance, and heart you've captured, Elli, are beautiful. I, too, am keeping this essay as way to light my own journey through the layers of life.
". . . cutting onions makes you cry, but the longer you sauté them, the sweeter they become. The layers don’t only sting; they mellow, deepen, and reveal their flavor as they age in the sauté pan of the years."
And may I add, as a former chef (and onion lover) that I’ve always felt that onions are a useful way to think about memory and time. Raw onions have their place: they’re honest, sharp, immediate. But rawness leaves an aftertaste. Given time and gentle heat, the same layers soften, deepen, and become easier to absorb on the palate.
This instantly popped into mind. I found this years ago when I was preparing to give a talk on why someone would choose a low income lifestyle (note the "why", not "how"!).
Thank you for sharing this, Geoffrey. Early in my legal career, when I represented young people in conflict with the law, I became half lawyer, half social worker. I came to understand that their clash with the legal system often had less to do with criminality than with the rigidity of a system determined to fit square pegs into round holes (...another brick in the wall, as it were).
For me personally, that approach never worked. My parents were so proud of their lawyer son, but I needed to be myself — and I needed to find out who that self was in my own school of hard knocks, regardless of income, or outcome...
Thank you, Sari, for sharing and restacking ME.
It was wonderful working with you on the essay - your editorial touch and openness made the process feel like a true collaboration.
Awww, thank you, Elli. It was a pleasure to work with you on it.
Wow! So much wisdom in this story. I'm keeping it so I can re-read (again and again) when I feel a bit lost. Thank you, Thank you Elli.
Thank you, Wendy.
In truth, this essay is there for me too — something to return to, to remember, and to steady myself when I’m down. I’m glad it found its way to you, and perhaps to others who are wondering whether they’ve gotten lost along the way.
Elli, I found your essay thought-provoking and your onion metaphor very meaningful. Having had a journey that included living in Bavaria in my late 20s and early 30s in an international mission organization, then a long military career followed by coaching and finally becoming a psychotherapist in my late 60s and into my 70s, it's in looking back that I can clearly see the thread that was always there, the real meaning and purpose of my life: serving and helping others find their way in life. There certainly have been times of "chopping onions on my heart," but the outcome has been deep, mellow and rich through the sautéing process of life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Oldster.
Dear Greg, thank you for sharing this. You may be ten years my senior, but insight and life experience are not measured only in years; there is a qualitative dimension too.
A life devoted to serving others carries deep meaning, and as I read your words I recognised myself there as well - whether representing accused people, cooking for strangers, driving children, or writing now. In that sense, our paths feel closely aligned.
I’ve also come to believe that in all service, however altruistic, there is a quiet self-serving element - not in a cynical way, but in the human satisfaction of knowing one has done some good. Perhaps that, too, is part of what sustains us over time.
I’m grateful you took the time to write.
Loved reading this! Thanks for sharing your story and wisdom, Elli.
Thank you, dear Leah. If there’s wisdom there, it was learned over time — and not without bruises...
To me winding down for retirement is a joy. No more deadlines for someone else. No more work I don’t love because I have bills. Etc. I expect the last quarter of my life to be the most fulfilling.
Sometimes retirement sounds dreamy to me…other times I think it might never be financially feasible for me, and/or it would be hard to stop because I enjoy working.
I do wish your hopes expectations come true.
Hi Benaiah from an icy Costa Clyde.I like your comparison of the 'self' with an onion and the Hebrew quote likening our life's journey to peeling an onion is so apt. There are few more layers on my 'Onion Self' ,I'm 82 heading into 83.Yes, yes, " Aging, I've come to believe at least in my case it isn't about slowing down. It's about the courage to keep shifting gears until you reach the right speed for you. Like the fortunate many who survived COVID because of the vaccine and favourable circumstances, I had to shift gears; stayed put on the the small island where we have lived for the past thirty five years and reluctantly typed up some of my diary and later got it published. and had no more funds to continue the work of my self-funded with pro bono corporate support. During last Summer I joined the local leisure centre shown how the Techno Gym treadmill, operated stepped on and got it moving too fast and came off and landed on my back struck the old box that keeps that precious many layered onion, tot the dismay of the manager, who made me sit in a chair at her desk and brought me a cup of water; Duncan the Baths master to all the arriving punters, queueing up to sign in ,said," Slow down David ,You are the second oldest member, here." Years ago I would have fled in shame what a berk,never to return; got back up the road at 6am on and this morning I on my bike. Great message i I shall continue to keep on keeping on peeling onions. Ambition was to become a chef ,I've worked in not a few kitchens as Dishwasher Kitchen Porter. MyDear Dad kept on sending me funds from 1961-1970 to stay in Canada to finish a Batchelor of Arts degree ." If you are given lemons, make lemonade
I smiled reading this. I can empathise deeply — with the number of onions peeled and dishes washed that thirty years of jury trials never prepared me for. Some lessons only arrive through the hands. Ah, and my first name is Elli.
This is wonderful! I have always said, even 40 years ago, that I have to live a long life in order to "become a decent human being." People rush to say, oh no. But they never ask, What is a decent human being? This is a portrait of a very decent human being!
I`m truly humbled and undeserving. Thank you, Sallie.
Hi Elli,
Good evening. Keep posting ; You sure have had and are having a fascinating journey.
Thank you David. Do stick around for the next installment...😉
How beautiful. Enjoy the slow. I can so relate on many levels
So intense this contribution! I love this article very much. While reading, I felt the pain, the striving, the questions, the inner fire, the love... Oh my, sending my best wishes for all the shoulders and knees. Thank you for being so open!
Thank you so much, Corina. I’m touched that the intensity came through — the pain, the fire, and the love. For a long time the road was so bumpy that I metaphorically bit my lip not to cry. Now I’m finally letting it out, and it feels unexpectedly good.
And yes, the shoulders and knees have definitely had a vote in the narrative as well. I appreciate your kindness and your good wishes more than you know.
Thank you, Elli, for responding so openly. Yes, the beauty comes (among others) from your openness and vulnerability, I believe. I am very grateful for your piece! It is very inspiring. My best wishes from Frankfurt to Munich
After reading this, I feel like someone just shared a very private secret with me. Superb.
Wishing you many more transformative layers and many more years to discover, to learn, and to prosper.
The wisdom, guidance, and heart you've captured, Elli, are beautiful. I, too, am keeping this essay as way to light my own journey through the layers of life.
Thank you for this metaphor:
". . . cutting onions makes you cry, but the longer you sauté them, the sweeter they become. The layers don’t only sting; they mellow, deepen, and reveal their flavor as they age in the sauté pan of the years."
And may I add, as a former chef (and onion lover) that I’ve always felt that onions are a useful way to think about memory and time. Raw onions have their place: they’re honest, sharp, immediate. But rawness leaves an aftertaste. Given time and gentle heat, the same layers soften, deepen, and become easier to absorb on the palate.
Beautiful. Thank you, Elli.
La vita è bella… 🤗
Wow! I’m thoroughly encouraged! What a beautiful writer and cool life Ellie is living!
Thank you very much, Sandra! I am so touched...
This instantly popped into mind. I found this years ago when I was preparing to give a talk on why someone would choose a low income lifestyle (note the "why", not "how"!).
https://youtu.be/6I2pcIbyq-0?si=u5quYZ1b4LVm2uUX
Thank you for sharing this, Geoffrey. Early in my legal career, when I represented young people in conflict with the law, I became half lawyer, half social worker. I came to understand that their clash with the legal system often had less to do with criminality than with the rigidity of a system determined to fit square pegs into round holes (...another brick in the wall, as it were).
For me personally, that approach never worked. My parents were so proud of their lawyer son, but I needed to be myself — and I needed to find out who that self was in my own school of hard knocks, regardless of income, or outcome...
Thank you for this video. It was what I needed to see right now as I try to remember why I’m putting together an evening of story and song in March…