Ask a Sober Oldster #15: Go-Go's Bassist and Memoirist Kathy Valentine
"The very best parts of my life are my 21-year-old daughter Audrey, and my sobriety."
This monthly interview series is a collaboration between Oldster Magazine and The Small Bow, A.J. Daulerio’s excellent newsletter about recovery and mental health, and will appear in both newsletters. Learn more about this collaboration in this Oldster podcast/videocast episode.
I’m Kathy Valentine, a musician, songwriter and author of All I Ever Wanted, an acclaimed memoir, and The Direction of Motion, my Substack about all the things that move me. I play in the iconic band, The Go-Go’s, a cool Texas band called the Bluebonnets, and am doing my first solo shows in Nov, in the UK where I moved in Jan 2024 to explore new possibilities. The very best parts of my life are my 21-year-old daughter Audrey, and my sobriety.
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How old are you, and how long have you been in recovery?
I’m 65 and got sober when I was 30… 35 years!
How did you get there?
I started early, at 12. By the time I was in my 20’s, I couldn’t imagine a life without drinking. I associated alcohol with all good times, all social activity. Eating, gigs, holidays, songwriting—you name it, drinking went with it. There had been insights on occasion that I might have a problem, but since it was unthinkable to not drink, it became imperative to me that I “control” it so I wouldn’t have to give it up.
Drinking was on my mind all the time. I was constantly making rules up, like “I will not drink for 2 weeks, and then I will have one glass of wine.” Lots of rules and strategies, tests, dry periods. Invariably I’d end up where I didn’t want to be. I think I bottomed out on thinking about it all the time, although my last drunk was a blackout in NYC. I had very few blackouts, I know of two. The last one did it for me. In that respect, I was extraordinarily lucky.
I’m the sort of alkie that might have stayed in denial a very long time: I was a good time, fun-loving party gal. I often went on health kicks. I never woke up and grabbed a bottle of booze and started chugging away. Many friends were surprised I’d given it up, they didn’t see the worst parts, only happy, wild drunken me.
Alcohol was my drug of choice, and I tended to only be interested in drugs if I was already buzzing drunk. Then I liked cocaine, because I could drink a lot more a lot longer.
I am extraordinarily blessed that I didn’t get in an accident and hurt anyone, get DUIs, or go to jail.
Drinking was on my mind all the time. I was constantly making rules up, like “I will not drink for 2 weeks, and then I will have one glass of wine.” Lots of rules and strategies, tests, dry periods. Invariably I’d end up where I didn’t want to be. I think I bottomed out on thinking about it all the time, although my last drunk was a blackout in NYC.
What are the best things about being in recovery?
Everything about recovery is good. Recovery allows me to be the best me I can be. It is the foundation of my entire life.
What’s hard about being in recovery?
It’s not hard for me, I am very fortunate. I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything by not drinking. The positive effects that I think normal drinkers get from drinking like perhaps relaxing or loosening up, or maybe feeling increased euphoria or whatever, I can get there without alcohol. If I’m uncomfortable, or feeling quieter, inhibited or awkward—anything that drinking might have helped me move away from, I just allow myself to be as I am in that moment. I’m an astute observer of me and have gotten adept at taking care of myself. If I knew I had one day to live, I wouldn’t think, fuck it I’m going to drink! I’d want to be present, unfiltered and feeling all of it.
I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything by not drinking. The positive effects that I think normal drinkers get from drinking like perhaps relaxing or loosening up, or maybe feeling increased euphoria or whatever, I can get there without alcohol. If I’m uncomfortable, or feeling quieter, inhibited or awkward—anything that drinking might have helped me move away from, I just allow myself to be as I am in that moment.
How has your character changed? What's better about you?
I live in a permanent state of gratitude. The first thing I think when I wake up is that I am waking up and that my body is functioning well. At the end of the day I’m supremely grateful if nothing tragic or horrible has happened in my life, or to any of my loved ones. There is an awful lot that can go wrong, trials and tribulations of being human. Every day someone is dealing with something awful. If it’s not me, I acknowledge that grace and luck.
I think I’m much more honest as a sober person. More compassionate, more interested in others, more curious about life and learning. Any behavior that brings me self-respect and esteem, that makes me like who I am, is something I strive for.
There’s an adage that in sobriety one will learn how to intuitively deal with situations that used to baffle us. I have found this to be true. It is also said that alcoholics tend to be emotionally arrested at the level of maturity when they became serious problem drinkers. This was true for me; I had the emotional maturity of a young teenager when I got sober at 30. I had to learn how to be a grown-up—it didn’t help that I’d been a successful musician in a successful band throughout most of those years, which can be a very easy career to stay immature in. In sobriety I really had to grow up. Nowadays, I’m a fully realized grownass woman.
What do you still need to work on? Can you still be a monster?
I am not a monster, no. But I am still very much a perfectionist along with all the offshoots of that particular malady, ie, hard on myself if I don’t work or produce enough high-quality output. Also I can be controlling, righteous, dismissive of what I view as lesser efforts to achieve perfection!
What’s the best recovery memoir you’ve ever read? Tell us what you liked about it.
The Liar’s Club by Mary Karr. I’d have to go review it to assess what exactly I liked about it. Her writing, for sure. And I felt so many parallels, growing up in Texas.
What are some memorable sober moments?
I have so many. The first time I got to play with the Go-Go’s as a sober musician and bandmate in 1990. Every gig, hundreds and hundreds of them, are the best highs ever. My wedding day and giving birth to my daughter were charged with a joy I had never come close to imagining. The first time I felt pure lust and passion without alcohol buffering—it was incredible.
Are you in therapy? On meds? Tell us about that.
I did a lot of therapy in sobriety to come to terms with the childhood sorrow and pain that were probably the source of my desire to numb myself. I’m very grateful that my equilibrium and brain chemistry allows me to live and function without the necessity of meds.
The one time in 35 years of sobriety I took anything was when my marriage fell apart. I was so distraught, devastated and shattered. I had very valid concerns about my ability to be the mother my young daughter needed. I talked to my therapist, doctor and trusted sober friends and ended up taking ¼ of a Xanax twice so I could sleep. At the time I had over 20 years of sobriety and was never a pill popper. I wasn’t worried about “going out” or wanting to drink. If I hadn’t been a mom, I would’ve suffered through it, but my daughter came above all else.
Every other difficult situation I’ve lived through I did sober; the caring for and death of loved ones, loss, betrayal, disappointment, being fired, lawsuits, being dumped. I have insomnia a lot and just deal with being tired—the divorce though, that was something else. Thankfully, I was able to use something the way it’s meant to be used and then get on with things.
It is said that alcoholics tend to be emotionally arrested at the level of maturity when they became serious problem drinkers. This was true for me; I had the emotional maturity of a young teenager when I got sober at 30. I had to learn how to be a grown-up—it didn’t help that I’d been a successful musician in a successful band throughout most of those years, which can be a very easy career to stay immature in. In sobriety I really had to grow up.
What sort of activities or groups do you participate in to help your recovery? (i.e. swimming, 12-step, meditation, et cetera)
I believe the Twelve Steps are amazing and had no problem reconciling my lack of religious beliefs with them. I believe strongly in being of service but do not think that needs to be in the confines of any designated program.
I relied on the fellowship of Twelve Step programs for many years and did exactly what the sober people did to learn how to do it. I had a sponsor, sponsored newcomers, went to prisons and rehabs and shared ESH (experience, strength and hope) made coffee, put away chairs—I was willing to do anything to not drink. My sober foundation is strong because of that program. But now I rarely attend meetings, unless I’m helping another alcoholic. I kind of live in the 10th and 12th steps.
Sobriety did make me more spiritual and although I don’t meditate with any discipline, I have a healthy respect and cherry-picked acceptance for many “self-help” concepts—for lack of a better catch-all term.
Are there any questions we haven’t asked you that you think we should add to this? And would you like to answer it?
I think people are always interested in the dynamic between sober people hanging out with drinkers? If you like that one, my answer would be as follows:
As a musician, it’s a given that I’m going to be around drinkers a lot, but also many of my friends aren’t sober. I don’t tend to have close friendships with people who are addicts and problem drinkers though. At this age, there’s nearly always another sober person in the group, and my two main bands are over half sober members. It’s always nice to think I’m the only sober one in a given setting, and then find out someone else doesn’t drink.
I don’t mind at all when people drink, in fact I enjoy someone’s “loosening up”—however there’s a line, and I don’t suffer drunks or fools for any length of time.
One thing I always find amusing is if I’m in a situation and it comes up that I don’t drink, and someone decides they need to give me a rundown of their drinking habits. I never know what reaction they are wanting from me! I usually just say, if one has a problem, they generally will have a moment of clarity and the lucky ones will heed that. It gives them something to ponder I imagine!
I love the widening inclusion of NA mocktails in bars and restaurants. And I’ve also cracked open a bottle of NA wine if I’m hosting a dinner, it’s nice to be drinking from the same matching glassware as my guests!
This… “If I knew I had one day to live, I wouldn’t think, fuck it I’m going to drink! I’d want to be present, unfiltered and feeling all of it.” ❤️
Love this post !!!! LOVE