In her mid-70s, Judith Hannah Weiss mulls the state of her mind, the state of world and the media covering it, and life at a continuing care retirement community.
Very thoughtful and well written. My mother lived in a “Downton Abbey” until she couldn’t. Then after turning 95, we brought her home to live in our garage apartment which had been remodeled to replicate her Downton Abbey. That was November,2018. She made it thru a joyous Christmas and New Years, then we got a call new years night : “I think I’ve reached the end of my rope!” She died 5 days later on January 6, 2019. I feel blessed to have helped her to the other side. I have 5 children, as she did, and am hoping one of my kids will step up when the time comes. I am 73!
The greatest gift my father gave to me and my siblings was to move himself into a CCRC that included a nursing home and a dementia unit.
He died in the nursing home almost ten years before my mother died in the dementia unit, where she lived the last five years of her life.
That was the gift - none of us could have cared for her in our homes.
I never liked visiting them because I thought the facility was full of old people just waiting to die.
Jokes on me now because my mother, her sister, their mother, all got dementia in their early 80's so my expiration date is clearly visible.
My health is good for age 73, but my husband has debilitating issues plus he is legally blind.
Our empty nest suburban house is too big but the prospect of downsizing is so daunting we don't even discuss it.
For two educated people we are being supremely stupid, because if for some reason I lost the ability to drive a car we'd be fucked.
I wouldn't mind a condo in a small city where we could walk to the store, restaurants, park and the doctor's office. But we are happy in our suburban home and big changes are hard.
So - I am disappointed in myself for continuing to procrastinate knowing that I am increasing the future burden on my own children.
A house full of stuff that none of them need or want.
Any kind of plan for the one of us who will be left alone when the other passes away.
I should do something constructive today, like start cleaning out the garage. But I would rather putter around in my garden, which is what I would miss the most if we moved.
There is such a desperate need for housing for solo younger seniors. If you could convert your garage into a studio (anybody using anything in there at all now?), you would have a neighbor to help with some tasks that are getting too hard, rides, emergency back up, CPR.
Plus some income from modest rent.
With so many communities desperate for affordable housing, you could make a positive contribution and get yourself some extra security. It’s not a new idea.
Logan, I hear you, and I feel immeasurably lucky in a roundabout way in that my life was upended (read: discovery of betrayal implodes 30 year marriage, etc. ) nearly 20 years ago. I ended up leaving the big house and all the memories. Been downsizing ever since (also dealing with grief, solo living, emotional fallout, etc. Writing helps!! ) Now I'm 71, and 5 years ago sold my home w/ garage, basement, attic and moved to a loft condo in an old mill. I am relieved and grateful, and it was the best decision I've ever made. At some point soon I'll begin researching a senior community assisted living place, so my daughters won't have to do it for me. The older we get, the more challenging big changes are. Coming to terms with transition is hard, but really important... good luck to you and your husband.
“I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name and God knows where else. I’ve looked at things from both sides now, from up and down, and still, somehow, I got old.”
May the next asteroid not strike until we've had a chance to read more by Dr J! If all media were as well crafted (in word and thought) the world might listen.
Since I live in a house and not the large apartment building, I’ll think of myself as being on the land around DowntonAbby. There are many good things like the friends you make for the rest of your life and some bad things like after 10 years those who came in with me are reaching their inevitable demise. So there’s been joy and lots of fun and now there’s sadness and the question of my own demise….Am I ready? How will I spend my last days as they shrink my world down to one room where if I’m lucky I’ll receive visitors and reminisce and smile and fade away. If that gets to be intolerable maybe my youngest son and wife will take me in cause I know my daughter won’t since she’s been angry at me for 40 years. In the meantime, I will share this piece with my “inmates” and we will have a jolly laugh, until we won’t. Thank you for this wonderful gift of writing.
This article conjured up some deep memories and musings. I love ping-pong and thinking about taking it back up. Yeah, I was a close observer of what happened to those with money to burn and those who lacked wealth despite working. The last ten years, for me, has been the healthiest lifestyle. Several cancer surgeries later, I still feel rooted the first time in my life in the only home I have ever owned.
Very thoughtful and well written. My mother lived in a “Downton Abbey” until she couldn’t. Then after turning 95, we brought her home to live in our garage apartment which had been remodeled to replicate her Downton Abbey. That was November,2018. She made it thru a joyous Christmas and New Years, then we got a call new years night : “I think I’ve reached the end of my rope!” She died 5 days later on January 6, 2019. I feel blessed to have helped her to the other side. I have 5 children, as she did, and am hoping one of my kids will step up when the time comes. I am 73!
You ARE blessed! You will forever be so grateful you brought her home for her final days. So happy to read this.
I am also 73!
One of the best, wisest while humorous essays I've ever read! This one is a keeper! Thanks so much for sharing.
Judith, I am 82 and not in a CCRC, but I want to be you when I grow up. A very clever, trippy curmudgeon and nothing less than a sheer delight!
I'm 73 and hit the Subscribe button immediately.
The greatest gift my father gave to me and my siblings was to move himself into a CCRC that included a nursing home and a dementia unit.
He died in the nursing home almost ten years before my mother died in the dementia unit, where she lived the last five years of her life.
That was the gift - none of us could have cared for her in our homes.
I never liked visiting them because I thought the facility was full of old people just waiting to die.
Jokes on me now because my mother, her sister, their mother, all got dementia in their early 80's so my expiration date is clearly visible.
My health is good for age 73, but my husband has debilitating issues plus he is legally blind.
Our empty nest suburban house is too big but the prospect of downsizing is so daunting we don't even discuss it.
For two educated people we are being supremely stupid, because if for some reason I lost the ability to drive a car we'd be fucked.
I wouldn't mind a condo in a small city where we could walk to the store, restaurants, park and the doctor's office. But we are happy in our suburban home and big changes are hard.
So - I am disappointed in myself for continuing to procrastinate knowing that I am increasing the future burden on my own children.
A house full of stuff that none of them need or want.
Any kind of plan for the one of us who will be left alone when the other passes away.
I should do something constructive today, like start cleaning out the garage. But I would rather putter around in my garden, which is what I would miss the most if we moved.
There is such a desperate need for housing for solo younger seniors. If you could convert your garage into a studio (anybody using anything in there at all now?), you would have a neighbor to help with some tasks that are getting too hard, rides, emergency back up, CPR.
Plus some income from modest rent.
With so many communities desperate for affordable housing, you could make a positive contribution and get yourself some extra security. It’s not a new idea.
We keep our garbage cans, our lawnmower, our tools and our car in the garage.
Logan, I hear you, and I feel immeasurably lucky in a roundabout way in that my life was upended (read: discovery of betrayal implodes 30 year marriage, etc. ) nearly 20 years ago. I ended up leaving the big house and all the memories. Been downsizing ever since (also dealing with grief, solo living, emotional fallout, etc. Writing helps!! ) Now I'm 71, and 5 years ago sold my home w/ garage, basement, attic and moved to a loft condo in an old mill. I am relieved and grateful, and it was the best decision I've ever made. At some point soon I'll begin researching a senior community assisted living place, so my daughters won't have to do it for me. The older we get, the more challenging big changes are. Coming to terms with transition is hard, but really important... good luck to you and your husband.
There's nothing better than pottering around the house and garden 🏡🏡🏡
Exactly.
So wonderful and wise!
“I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name and God knows where else. I’ve looked at things from both sides now, from up and down, and still, somehow, I got old.”
I’ve read so many great essays and questionnaires here on Oldster, but this might just be the best ever. I didn’t want it to end. Thank you..
Agreed...!
Sari, I'm so glad you featured Judith Hannah Weiss. She is a treasure and more people should know about her. They will now!
<3
May the next asteroid not strike until we've had a chance to read more by Dr J! If all media were as well crafted (in word and thought) the world might listen.
Love, love, love this piece. Pretty much every word of it.
Great post Dr Judith Weiss Zeuss, Dr Zeuss for Oldsters. Love it!
I am 80 and live in a CCRC
Since I live in a house and not the large apartment building, I’ll think of myself as being on the land around DowntonAbby. There are many good things like the friends you make for the rest of your life and some bad things like after 10 years those who came in with me are reaching their inevitable demise. So there’s been joy and lots of fun and now there’s sadness and the question of my own demise….Am I ready? How will I spend my last days as they shrink my world down to one room where if I’m lucky I’ll receive visitors and reminisce and smile and fade away. If that gets to be intolerable maybe my youngest son and wife will take me in cause I know my daughter won’t since she’s been angry at me for 40 years. In the meantime, I will share this piece with my “inmates” and we will have a jolly laugh, until we won’t. Thank you for this wonderful gift of writing.
This article conjured up some deep memories and musings. I love ping-pong and thinking about taking it back up. Yeah, I was a close observer of what happened to those with money to burn and those who lacked wealth despite working. The last ten years, for me, has been the healthiest lifestyle. Several cancer surgeries later, I still feel rooted the first time in my life in the only home I have ever owned.
So so good!
Witty yet poignant. Lots of good one-liners that hold a truth. And at the same age, very relatable!
A treasure box of an essay. Thank you.
Thank you for your words.
Thank you very much. Please consider following my work on substack. Or perhaps sharing it with others, or both.
Such brilliant writing - also, if you are not friends with Abigail Thomas, I think you should be immediately lol.
Clever, wise, resilient, timely and achingly true. Thanks for sharing this.