This is (Almost) 40: Ann Friedman Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"Most of all, I love being old enough to have many friendships that stretch back decades. You haven’t lived until you’ve made a callback to an inside joke that’s twenty years old."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, Ann Friedman—journalist, author, podcaster, media entrepreneur, and writer of the must-read weekly newsletter, The Ann Friedman Weekly—responds. (I was ecstatic when she recently highlighted Oldster Magazine as one of her favorite newsletters!) - Sari Botton

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Ann Friedman and (almost!) 40.

How old are you?

In 19 days, I’ll be 40.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been in my 40s for quite awhile already. And other times I’m reading an article in which a 39-year-old is quoted, and I catch myself thinking of them as “older.” My perception of my age isn’t fixed.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

Again, it’s not a fixed feeling. I don’t think a lot about being in step with my peers, but I do think a lot about my younger self, and what she might think of my life now. Mostly, I think she’d be pleased with how things are going.

I have just begun the process of mourning the epic 40th birthday party I’ve been planning for years (thanks, omicron) and figuring out an alternate way to celebrate this fresh decade.

What do you like about being your age?

I like having proved to myself that I can do some of the things I really wanted to accomplish when I was younger. I love seeing fashion trends come back in style, and having firsthand context for the ways these items were worn the first time around. I’ve gotten very interested lately in narratives around midlife, and I’m curious about what life will be like for me as a middle-aged woman. Most of all, I love being old enough to have many friendships that stretch back decades. You haven’t lived until you’ve made a callback to an inside joke that’s twenty years old.

What is difficult about being your age?

In every year of my life so far, I’ve always been excited to get older. But now that I’m middle-aged I am finding myself having to have to work harder than I expected to keep out some of the negative cultural messages about aging. In quiet moments, I have fears about staying professionally relevant and continuing to challenge myself creatively. I sometimes sing to myself the Talking Heads lyric “Stay hungry / stay hungry / stay hungry.”

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I can’t believe that I have made it this many years on earth without a significant loss. Both of my parents are alive. Two of my grandparents are still alive. I have never mourned a friend or a partner. It takes my breath away when I think about all the grieving that is in my future.

I like having proved to myself that I can do some of the things I really wanted to accomplish when I was younger… I love seeing fashion trends come back in style, and having firsthand context for the ways these items were worn the first time around.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Aging has given me ever-deeper relationships with the people I love. It is truly magical to have been known and loved by someone for decades. It’s narrowed the scope of what I think will be possible in my lifetime—both personally and politically—even though I fight to hang on to that expansive feeling. I devour stories about artists who didn’t start working until their 40s and people who reinvented themselves in middle age. Also, this is petty, but my skin has gotten consistently worse! How is it possible that I have more acne today than I did as a teenager??

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I realize it sounds like a non-response, but the truest answer I can give is that I am both the same as I ever was and also profoundly different.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

Here’s something so small that I don’t know if it qualifies as a milestone: I am getting my ears pierced for the first time on my 40th birthday, which is something I’ve planned to do since my 20s. I never got them done as a kid, so it seemed fun to wait even longer and have something frivolous to look forward to at 40. I’m ready to start the earrings phase of my life.

Now that I’m middle-aged I am finding myself having to have to work harder than I expected to keep out some of the negative cultural messages about aging. In quiet moments, I have fears about staying professionally relevant and continuing to challenge myself creatively.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I really loved my early thirties. I had a lot of confidence and creative energy. My life felt simultaneously rock-solid and as-yet-unformed—an impossible balance to maintain. I don’t want to go back there, but I would love to visit on occasion. Just for the afternoon.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

I have a few close friends who are about ten years older than I am, and they are all possibility models for me. They have built communities, creative practices, personal aesthetics, and boundaries that I admire. We are close enough in age that we share cultural touchstones and sensibilities, but they are far enough ahead of me that they have real wisdom to impart. They’re beacons that help illuminate the next few twists and turns on my own path.

I am getting my ears pierced for the first time on my 40th birthday, which is something I’ve planned to do since my 20s. I never got them done as a kid, so it seemed fun to wait even longer and have something frivolous to look forward to at 40. I’m ready to start the earrings phase of my life.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I keep saying that I need to work on my core strength. I’ve never been very flexible, but I have a long body that is going to get creaky very fast if I don’t make time to get stronger. The problem is that I find exercise deeply boring.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I’ve never once dyed my hair, and I won’t be starting now. I don’t want to invest in or maintain a dye job. Plus, gray is chic.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I love my birthday, and it’s one of my great joys to celebrate it extravagantly. Listen: It is not childish or egotistical to throw yourself a party every single year. Every birthday is a triumph. Even if everything else in life feels like absolute shit, you can celebrate having made it another turn around the sun. I have just begun the process of mourning the epic 40th birthday party I’ve been planning for years (thanks, omicron) and figuring out an alternate way to celebrate this fresh decade.

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Ann Friedman is a journalist, essayist, and media entrepreneur. She is the co-author of Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close. Find her work and subscribe to her weekly newsletter at annfriedman.com.