This is 86: Retired Psychologist/Painter Bella Ruth Bader Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"Last year, I changed my name from Beverly to Bella and it has made a big difference. I’ve never felt like a Beverly but now with my name Bella, it feels like it belongs to me."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, painter and retired clinical psychologist Bella Ruth Bader responds. - Sari Botton
Bella Ruth Bader was born in 1938 in the Bronx. She is a retired clinical psychologist trained at Columbia and Clark Universities. She was the first female psychologist hired in the psychiatry department of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, in the early 1960s, and worked in private practice for over forty-five years. In addition to her work as a psychologist, she is a trained painter. She attended classes at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, and was awarded several art residencies at the Vermont Studio Center.
How old are you?
86
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it?
The age I associate with the most is 4 years old. My family lived in the Bronx and my parents owned a grocery store in the neighborhood. You know how there are helicopter parents today who watch their kids’ every move? Well, whatever the opposite of helicopter parenting is, that was my upbringing. I was free as a bird to explore as long as I followed one rule: I couldn’t cross any street alone. I had a friend, Monty, and the two of us were very curious. We were let loose to explore every corner of the neighborhood and nobody came looking for us for hours. Only when I was hungry did I go back to the market to get some food: matzo and salami sandwich, no mustard. That spirit of curiosity and adventure has guided my whole life.
Whatever the opposite of helicopter parenting is, that was my upbringing…I had a friend, Monty, and the two of us were very curious. We were let loose to explore every corner of the neighborhood and nobody came looking for us for hours. Only when I was hungry did I go back to the market to get some food: matzo and salami sandwich, no mustard. That spirit of curiosity and adventure has guided my whole life.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with you peers?
I feel young for my age and I think my habits have a lot to do with that feeling. When I was in the sixth grade, my teacher, Pearl Mattis, wrote in my yearbook, “With work habits like yours, you’re bound to be a success. Keep it up!”
I do keep it up, Mrs. Mattis! Every morning, I stretch for twenty minutes and jog around my bedroom for ten minutes. I lift 5 lb. weights three times a week to keep my muscles strong, so they don’t disappear. Strength training also boosts my mood and helps me manage my stress better than coffee. Then I usually take a three mile walk up the hills in my town. If this sounds like a lot of work, that’s because self-care feels like a full-time job, especially in my 80s. I use my walking poles to assist me going down the hills for balance. This all happens before I look at my cell phone or prepare breakfast. These exercise rituals keep me feeling young and strong.
What do you like about being your age?
I don’t think about my age, honestly, except on birthdays, when I celebrate the fact that I’ve made it another year. For me, age feels like a continuum, one day flowing into the next.
I find it difficult when people try to do things for me when I prefer to do them on my own. I see myself as strong and capable, and prefer help only when I ask for it…What is also challenging and upsetting is when I hear someone tell a joke that pokes fun at old people.
What is difficult about being your age?
I find it difficult when people try to do things for me when I prefer to do them on my own. I see myself as strong and capable, and prefer help only when I ask for it. In a social situation, I forget that I’m usually the oldest person present, and I find myself taken aback when someone offers me a seat when I’d prefer to stand. What is also challenging and upsetting is when I hear someone tell a joke that pokes fun at old people. Now I’m the age of the women who used to sit on the benches in Crotona Park and talk and laugh. One of them would usually open up their arms and hoist me up onto their lap. I didn’t always know what they were talking about or what was so funny but I loved being with them. After all these years, I still remember their kindness and I try to be like them.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what your expected based on what you were told?
I always thought that I would grow old with my husband, Larry. We had been married for 51 years when he unexpectedly died in 2014, at age 77. Losing him and walking this path alone was unbearable. For the first year, I thought he would come back home. His slippers were waiting for him by the door.
What was also surprising is that three-and-a-half years after Larry’s death, while I was traveling on my own in San Miguel de Allende, I met a widower, Phil, also traveling alone. He is a wonderful partner, who lives only two hours from me. Phil lost his beloved wife, so we have a lot in common. We honor our loving spouses, keeping them in our hearts, as we continue to grow our own relationship. We’ve now been together for six years. I never expected to find a second love in my lifetime, but I’ve learned that connection is available to us at any age if our hearts are open.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me humility. I am willing to admit that someone else’s choice is a better one. Aging has also given me the license to be more honest with my strengths and weaknesses. I’m freer to stand up for myself and to admit error when I’ve made a mistake. I’m also freer to admit tiredness, such as my daily need for my afternoon nap to carry me onward for the rest of the day. I can nap anywhere.
I don’t feel worried about taking a risk because I trust my judgment. I have no problem asking a stranger at the supermarket for a lift if it’s raining, or too cold out, or my packages are too heavy for me to carry home. I’ve befriended some very interesting people who have given me these rides.
Phil lost his beloved wife, so we have a lot in common. We honor our loving spouses, keeping them in our hearts, as we continue to grow our own relationship. We’ve now been together for six years. I never expected to find a second love in my lifetime, but I’ve learned that connection is available to us at any age if our hearts are open.
Something else that aging has given me is the richness of lasting and loyal connections. I’m lucky that I met a friend when I was 3, who lived in my building in the Bronx. We grew up together and we still talk often. A friendship that has lasted more than 80 years! I’ve known my older brother even longer and our relationship has always meant a great deal to me. I treasure my relationships, old and new. I don’t think you’re ever too old to discover meaningful connections, and I’m always open to meeting a new friend.
Unfortunately, aging has also brought me deep sorrow, taking away the lives of some of my dearest family members: my husband, my aunt, my parents. Each one of these losses leaves a deep sadness that I carry with me. Then there are the friends who have died before me and whom I miss. That’s the thing—if you continue to live a long life, your close friends often die before you. They leave you behind, and you wish that they were still with you.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself and your identity?
Last year, I changed my name from Beverly to Bella and it has made a big difference. I’ve never felt like a Beverly but now with my name Bella, it feels like it belongs to me. I believe that anyone can make an important change at any age.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I’m looking forward to watching my loved ones continue to grow and thrive. I want to cheer on my grandchildren when they graduate from college and be there for them as they find their way in the world.
I want to travel to many more places. A few years after Larry died, I spent five weeks in Kyoto on my own. Even though I don’t speak Japanese, I was able to explore the city with the help and kindness of the people I met along the way. Phil and I recently spent a month in New Orleans. We love to rent an Airbnb and cook colorful meals with local ingredients.
Something else that aging has given me is the richness of lasting and loyal connections. I’m lucky that I met a friend when I was 3, who lived in my building in the Bronx. We grew up together and we still talk often. A friendship that has lasted more than 80 years!
I’ve been a painter for most of my life but I haven’t focused on it for several years. I want to set up a small studio in my apartment so I can get back to creating and sharing my art.
Truthfully, I’ve been too vigilant about not missing opportunities and milestones all my life. One of the “milestones” I look forward to but doesn’t translate as a milestone in our culture is to slow down and learn to let some opportunities slip by. For me, that would be a milestone.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I always wanted to be a mother. In the Bronx, I was the kid in the neighborhood who would volunteer to babysit for free. So when I think of my favorite age, it was my late 20s and early 30s when our two daughters were born. I loved being pregnant. I used to wear a pink Marimekko dress with big black polka dots. I loved every moment of it because I knew I was going to be a mother. For me, motherhood was, and still is, an absolute honor.
But I’m happy where I am at this age, and those little babies are now in their 50s, can you believe it? And now I have the tremendous honor of being a grandparent and being part of my grandchildren’s lives.
Truthfully, I’ve been too vigilant about not missing opportunities and milestones all my life. One of the “milestones” I look forward to but doesn’t translate as a milestone in our culture is to slow down and learn to let some opportunities slip by. For me, that would be a milestone.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Ruth Gordon as Maude in the film Harold and Maude is an aging idol of mine. I know she is a fictional character but she feels real to me because I see myself in her. She loves to dance, she is very spirited, and she keeps her inner child alive and kicking. Maude has her own slant on life.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Our culture doesn’t encourage older people to have fun with fashion but I don’t pay attention to that. Getting older has given me more confidence to try different styles and colors and play around with different looks. I enjoy wearing well-made clothes, and I buy almost all my clothing at thrift stores. There is a thrift shop near me, and I find extraordinary outfits there, many of them vintage. I dress for myself and choose clothes and jewelry that make me feel happy.
Health-wise, I have had two knee replacements, a hip replacement, a reverse total shoulder replacement. On the other shoulder, I had a rotator cuff operation. When I go through security at the airport, bells and whistles go off. There was a lot of pain and a lot of PT but I was determined to get through it so I could go on enjoying my life.
I refuse to use a cane. I love my walking poles. I feel invigorated while using them. They give me great balance and two extra legs and better posture. Plus, my workout is increased 20% because I’m moving my arms and legs.
Adjusting to the reality that I needed hearing aids was an ordeal. It took a while to admit that I needed them in the first place, and then it took a while to get used to the tinny sound. But I finally befriended my hearing aids, and I realized how much happier I felt when I could hear what was going on around me. I didn’t care about the tinniness anymore because connection with others is more important. To anyone who is having trouble admitting to needing hearing aids or adjusting to them, keep going. It’s worth it.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I refuse to use a cane. I love my walking poles. I feel invigorated while using them. They give me great balance and two extra legs and better posture. Plus, my workout is increased 20% because I’m moving my arms and legs. I’m fine walking up steep hills without any assistance, but if I didn’t have my walking poles for the descent, I fear that I could fall. I also feel like I’m hiking in the woods when I use them, even if I’m walking on pavement.
I refuse to let my wrinkles bother me. Would I choose them? No. Would I operate on them? No. They are part of the process of growing older, and I accept them. I accept that as I get older, I’m going to look older. I don’t expect to go backwards.
Adjusting to the reality that I needed hearing aids was an ordeal. It took a while to admit that I needed them in the first place, and then it took a while to get used to the tinny sound. But I finally befriended my hearing aids, and I realized how much happier I felt when I could hear what was going on around me. I didn’t care about the tinniness anymore because connection with others is more important.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I never had a birthday party when I was a child. It didn’t occur to my parents to celebrate birthdays because nobody ever celebrated their birthdays. Now I go overboard making sure to mark my big day. Phil and I go all out and bake a flourless dark chocolate cake topped with raspberries and powdered sugar. When my birthday arrives, I’m proud that I made the most of another year.
You have an openness I've never had with people. My husband and best friend, died 4-1/2 years ago. We did everything together, hike, fish, garden, play guitar, an dindividual created art. So when he suddenly got cancer at 66, I had no one, and no children. That's called putting all your eggs in one basket. We had not been accepted by family, as we were raised in different faiths. But we sure had wonderful times, and rescued cats for years. I love Bella's joy and strive to be a bit more open. Thank you!
I want to be like Bella!