This is 59: TONY Award-Winning Playwright Greg Kotis Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I have absolutely no idea what happens to us when we die. I do think the things we make, and the people we affect, are also 'us.' So we never really disappear."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, playwright and lyricist Greg Kotis responds. -Sari Botton
GREG KOTIS is the author of many plays and musicals including Urinetown (Book/Lyrics) for which he won an Obie and two Tony™ Awards, I Am Nobody, The Truth About Santa, The Sting (Lyrics), Lunchtime, Give the People What They Want, Michael von Siebenburg Melts Through the Floorboards, Yeast Nation (Book/Lyrics), Pig Farm, Eat the Taste, and Jobey and Katherine. Future projects include ZM, an original musical about teenaged fast-food workers trying to survive a zombie plague, and The End of All Flesh, a post-apocalyptic bluegrass musical in which Greg will perform this April as part of The New York City Fringe. Additionally, Greg sings and plays banjo with the improvised bluegrass musical team The Wayfaring Strangers once a month here in NYC. Greg co-founded Theater of the Apes with his wife Ayun Halliday.
—
How old are you?
59
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
Not really. My younger selves seem like different people to me.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
It depends on the day. I have an ailing left hip (among other ailments), and when it acts up, I remember that elderly people aren't just generally old, the way you might have played an old character in a school play, but people contending with bodies that are failing them in all sorts of specific ways. This hip hurts, those fingers have tremors, that heart is unreliable. But other days, I feel as strong and healthy as I've ever been.
You really can learn new tricks! My wife, Ayun Halliday, bought me a banjo for Christmas in 2019...and now I can kind-of/sort-of play! My new post-apocalyptic bluegrass musical, The End of All Flesh, premiering at The New York City Fringe on April 2, is an outgrowth of this new trick!
What do you like about being your age?
I think I've learned how to develop habits that make life better and abandon habits that make life worse. I drank way too much during the pandemic and realized that it would probably kill me if I didn't just stop. I'm certainly aware that it's very difficult, if not impossible, to let go for many, but for me, it was easier than expected. I've learned the joy and satisfaction of developing daily practices—physical, creative, and domestic. I have routines and check-lists. A good day involves putting a check mark after every routine on my list. I also like that I can have full conversations with my adult children, and can actually learn things from them.
What is difficult about being your age?
Loneliness, maybe, and the challenge of maintaining old friendships and making new ones. The older I get the more I realize I'm an introvert at heart, I mostly want to be home hanging out with our cats, but I still yearn for the electricity and fun of friendships I had in my teens and twenties.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
That you really can learn new tricks! My wife, Ayun Halliday, bought me a banjo for Christmas in 2019...and now I can kind-of/sort-of play! My new post-apocalyptic bluegrass musical, The End of All Flesh, premiering at The New York City Fringe on April 2, is an outgrowth of this new trick!
I don't know that it's my favorite age, but sometimes I wish I could go back to my early and mid-30s, when my children were toddlers or little kids, just so I could be more present for them and for me. I was very consumed with career and success and finding a path to financial stability for a lot of those years, which is probably typical for many men my age.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me a bit of wisdom, maybe, something to do with knowing myself a little better, knowing how the world works with a bit more clarity, and also knowing what I don't know and might never know. Aging is taking away my hair, that's for certain, but probably other things as well.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I think I know my boundaries a little better, what I can change, what I never will. I think I'm a little more at peace with who I am and who I will never be.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I think I would love to have grandchildren. I am, of course, conveniently forgetting about things like the terrors of childbirth or how a grape or marble could become lodged in a baby's throat, or the profound exhaustion and chaos of raising babies, toddlers, and school-aged children. But those aren't duties and terrors that a grandparent needs to worry about, or so I hear.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I don't know that it's my favorite age, but sometimes I wish I could go back to my early and mid-30s, when my children were toddlers or little kids, just so I could be more present for them and for me. I was very consumed with career and success and finding a path to financial stability for a lot of those years, which is probably typical for many men my age.
I think I would love to have grandchildren. I am, of course, conveniently forgetting about things like the terrors of childbirth or how a grape or marble could become lodged in a baby's throat, or the profound exhaustion and chaos of raising babies, toddlers, and school-aged children. But those aren't duties and terrors that a grandparent needs to worry about, or so I hear.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
I don't really have idols anymore. That hadn't occurred to me until this question. I used to have lots of idols when I was younger—Keith Richards, Robert De Niro. I guess they just seem like people to me now.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Health-wise, I've taken up yoga, given up alcohol, and try to eat less sugar and carbs and all that. I'm also trying to train myself to sleep on my back. I don't think I've changed my "style," which is no style, just comfortable, loose-fitting clothes. And beauty...I suppose I subscribe to the notion that there is, or can be beauty in the life experience present in an old or aging face.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
I can't think of any.
What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?
Being cast in The Neo-Futurists in 1991. That's how I met my wife Ayun, and everything followed from that. Also, that's where I began to develop a real writing practice that led to a career as a playwright.
I took a class in college taught by Bernie Sahlins, one of the founders of Second City. He said that we should let the audience be our teacher. It has something to do with knowing how to listen, trusting your instincts, and learning by doing. I think those principles can be applied to every aspect of life.
What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?
I would spend more time with my children when they were little. I was there, and we did have time, I just didn't realize how much more I could have really enjoyed it. At the time, I think I felt the weight of surviving it all with everyone intact a little too much. What I couldn't know then is that we would survive it all, which makes all the difference.
What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?
Grandchildren. And to know that both my children are happy, healthy, and independent. And maybe to perform as an actor in a professional production. I think that would be fun. And more travel, to everywhere.
Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?
I took a class in college taught by Bernie Sahlins, one of the founders of Second City. He said that we should let the audience be our teacher. It has something to do with knowing how to listen, trusting your instincts, and learning by doing. I think those principles can be applied to every aspect of life.
I've learned the joy and satisfaction of developing daily practices—physical, creative, and domestic. I have routines and check-lists. A good day involves putting a check mark after every routine on my list. I also like that I can have full conversations with my adult children, and can actually learn things from them.
What are your plans for your body when you’re done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other? And what do you expect to happen to your “soul” or “spirit” after you die?
I've heard you can be buried with a tree growing out from you. There might be a place in upstate New York that does that. I think I'd like that, but have made no plans. I have absolutely no idea what happens to us when we die. I do think the things we make, and the people we affect, are also "us." So we never really disappear.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I believe in gifts and parties, even if the party is just a small get-together or meal.
I found the fast forward video of the haircut and shave surprisingly therapeutic 🙂
It was amazing to see Greg Kotis "youthenized" before our very eyes as he had that wild pandemic hair trimmed. Good move, Greg!