This is 57: Marie Myung-Ok Lee Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I feel I can finally be a protagonist in the movie of my life rather than a timid observer."

Feb 15, 2022

Here, one-time banker, author, and mom (and contributor to Goodbye to All That!) Marie Myung-Ok Lee responds. - Sari Botton

Marie Myung-Ok Lee at 57. Photo by Adrianne Mathiowetz.

How old are you?

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?

28—not sure why except that I remember telling myself, "This is a great age, remember it.” I had also left my banking job to write full time, which had me feeling incredibly free, but also had my parents yelling at me weekly to at least go back to grad school—any grad school, and I also sold my first novel that year, which had been preceded by agonizing weeks of “What if my book doesn't sell and now I'm so old?” Which deserves the biggest LOL of all time.

I don't remember a lot of other ages, especially, say, 34 to 48 seem a blur, or amorphous. Like right now, I can never tell if people are 45 or 70. I was actually really surprised to hear a friend of mine is turning 80; she's a person I informally call "older sister" in Korean, but actually, then, she's more a parent rather than sibling age, but that doesn't change at all how we interact.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

What I appreciate about being a writer, having friends who are mostly also artists, and also living in NYC is that in order to be an artist, you have to maintain a sort of openness and wonder that can also translate to childish (is that the right word?) behavior. My 60ish friends without children seem like eternally amorphously young to me. Or, my late best friend Katherine Min similarly had this open joyful outlook that translated into her awesome creativity, and even though she was older than I, she seemed more youthful.

I have an unchanging (since my 28th year) uniform—ditching the navy Brooks Brothers and burgundy Ferragamo shoes when I left my banking job, for black clothes, often a motorcycle jacket, tee shirt jeans, sneakers.

For years, because of distance, I'd never met her adult children. But then her twentysomething son needed a place to stay while he did a job hunt and after spending a week with him, also seeing how he'd come back and immediately want to call her to discuss his day, I could tell absolutely that she had been this kind of attentive mother who made her children feel safe and loved—in that kind of conventional and time consuming way for which I often look at artists and think, "Good thing you didn't have kids."

She and I had always interacted at residencies or going to the AWP Conference together and it kind of blew my mind to see that she could have two directly opposite sides—and in fact at one AWP, in Seattle, her son had found a job there and wanted to hang out with us (!) and it really is extraordinary to me that someone can be a steadfast "adult" but also maintain this kind of openness.

Marie Myung-Ok Lee at 28, after leaving banking for writing. Shown here (in possibly the most 90s vest ever) with her first novel.

For me, I feel like I have risen to the occasion in raising my son but I don't feel like it comes naturally, and I feel a constant conflict with my work. My son has intellectual disability, so I can't ask him if he'd noticed if I didn't always 100% put his needs first and did that negatively affect him.

What do you like about being your age?

What I've gained from aging, for sure, is having grown up in a small town where conformity was the rule (and being a person of color kind of put an involuntary difference into the mix), I have an unchanging (since my 28th year) uniform—ditching the navy Brooks Brothers and burgundy Ferragamo shoes when I left my banking job, for black clothes, often a motorcycle jacket, tee shirt jeans, sneakers.

I will not dye my hair because dark dye is very carcinogenic, and also, given my various responsibilities including taking care of my son, I can't see sparing the time and money.

In a trailer for a CNN show about how I "invented" the idea of using cannabis to treat my son's maladaptive autism symptoms, there was a clip of me picking him up from his ride from school. Some of the comments were, "Why are you wearing that?" (motorcycle jacket), for which I answered simply and truthfully, "Those are my clothes." Someone said, "That would really stop traffic where I live in Ohio"— the implication being, "Grow up lady, you're a mom and why are you wearing that?" So just like Gloria Steinem once told a reporter, "This is what 45 looks like," well, this is what a 57-year old mom looks like, and maybe they might want to consider having a few pieces of clothes they love and wearing them all the time—cuts down on the cognitive burden!

What is difficult about being your age?

Honestly, remembering it. I used to "try out" being a year older by telling myself I was 36 when I was 35, etc., but now I just confuse myself.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

1. That menopause would be hell—I actually thought I might be pregnant but it was just that my period stopped. My mother also cannot remember at what age this happened. Also, there's no word for "hot flash" in Korean.

2. That I'd gain some kind of adult wisdom. Nope. I still feel as amazed as I did twenty odd years ago when they handed me my just-born kid, like, "How do they KNOW I'll take good care of him?"

3. I am in better shape than I was in my 20s. Some of this has to do with taking my son's health/allergy/food sensitivities seriously in a way I wouldn't do for myself but in the process of eliminating things he can't have, I realized I was sensitive to these things, too, including being tested and diagnosed with celiac disease, the inflammation from which made me feel heavier and more dissatisfied with my body.

My mother also cannot remember at what age menopause happened. Also, there's no word for "hot flash" in Korean.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

Given: My father passed away more than two decades ago and I truly only now am understanding him as a person as opposed to just a parent.

Taken away: I can't tell him that.

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I feel I can finally be a protagonist in the movie of my life rather than a timid observer.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I have seen so many snide commemorative T-shirts this year. An example I saw in Montauk: "It's mom's (Kathy's) 60 birthday—She's old!" Or somesuch. In Korean (Buddhist) culture, 60 is the age of wisdom and closing the cycle—basically you get to start over. Of course, when I was a kid, I felt that was impossibly old. And because my parents were raising us in a sort of assimilative way, we didn't really celebrate my parents' birthday that way. I think it'll be a huge but private milestone because I had this pact with my late friend that she had to make it to her hwangap (60th birthday)—and she did, and not a day more. She had a lot more life she wanted to live, so 60 to me is a kind of starting over, like every minute I'll be thinking about how it's a minute she didn't have.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

28—not a kid but not yet "old"—however, I would NOT want to go back to it. In some ways whatever my age is now is my favorite age because when I was 9 I decided I wanted to be a writer and I'd write every day. But for the majority of my young adulthood, I didn't know if it would "work out" or be a huge waste of time.

Particularly when I left Goldman right before it went public and I probably could have gotten a huge windfall from that. But I wanted to write full time and it was "time." But most people only see my publications and don't see not only the bigger pile of rejections but also the thin margins at which I got published at all—and almost didn't, each time. My parents were also very, very unhappy about the path I chose, especially since other people in my position went to Harvard Business School, or I could have gotten my PhD in economics. So if I was still unpublished, I know I would feel it WASN'T worth it and I'd also probably regret those paths I didn't take...but instead I am paid for writing and doing what I always hoped I'd do.

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Helen Mirren—I wouldn't say she's ageless, I'd say she is age-free. She is a beauty and she knows it, and it shows.

In some ways whatever my age is now is my favorite age because when I was 9 I decided I wanted to be a writer and I'd write every day. But for the majority of my young adulthood, I didn't know if it would "work out" or be a huge waste of time.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

I used to get up early in high school to do my makeup. When I did the CNN show, the first time (Wolf Blitzer's The Situation Room, talking about North Korean diplomacy) I had full hair and makeup done in studio. When I was on again more recently, I was surprised when the male host showed up in hair and makeup and the producer asked me where was MY makeup...and why didn't I own any? I honestly at some point stopped dealing with wearing makeup and also honestly don't see that much of a difference. However, given the producer's dismay, later I did buy some powder, so next time, if there is a next time, I'll be ready, because actually for TV you do need makeup.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

I will not dye my hair because dark dye is very carcinogenic, and also, given my various responsibilities including taking care of my son, I can't see sparing the time and money. That said, even at my age my hair is pretty much still dark brown and if it turned all white overnight maybe this idea would change (but I hope not).

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I've never been into them and still am not! I enjoy celebrating OTHER people's birthdays, though.

Marie Myung-Ok Lee is the author of the novel The Evening Hero (May 2022), forthcoming with Simon & Schuster and the re-release of her young adult novel, Finding My Voice. Her journalism and essays have appeared in The New York Times, The Nation, The Guardian, The Atlantic, The Paris Review and many others. She is a founder for former board president of the Asian American Writers' Workshop and teaches fiction at Columbia, where she is the Writer in Residence. She has appeared on CNN discussing both North Korean diplomacy and medical cannabis.