This is 56: Carolita Johnson responds to the Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.
"I have only ever wanted to evolve into a better version of myself..."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I’ve started “The Oldster Questionnaire.”
Here, New Yorker cartoonist, illustrator, and writer Carolita Johnson responds. - Sari Botton
How old are you?
56
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
First of all, 8, because I still see the world from a child’s point of view in some respects, and that’s probably the age when most of us form our first ideas about ourselves
And, 28: financially. I’ve been clawing back from declaring bankruptcy when my late husband got a terminal diagnosis: I had quit my day job to take care of him. When he died, I was barely able to earn a living for a year due to bereavement and the exhaustion of moving four times. Most people my age either have a house or property, or have swung a decent divorce settlement to fall back on in such financial straits. I basically reverted to the financial insecurity of my 20s, and have not recovered yet.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I don’t feel young for my age but I guess I’m more energetic and healthy than most people my age. My “peers” are people of varying ages and phases of their careers. I suppose I consider my peers to be people whose work I respect and who respect my work, rather than people who, say, graduated college the same year as I did. I consider as my peers those who are struggling with the same issues, thinking along the same lines, asking the same questions, seeking the same or similar goals.
This might just be a strategy of self-protection, of course, because I could easily consider myself a failure if I were to compare myself to others based on having our age in common.
What do you like about being your age?
Not having my period anymore. Not feeling pressured to have kids anymore. Not caring if men are interested in me anymore, since I’ve already tried marriage, succeeded at it, and cycled through it right through to widowhood when my husband, Michael, died in July of 2016. There was a time when I thought I should want marriage. Now, I guess I could take pleasure in having a kindred soul or a partner whose presence in my life I could desire, but marriage has lost its mystique. I’m actually content to live alone, and not afraid of living alone, and not being coupled.
I suppose I consider my peers to be people whose work I respect and who respect my work, rather than people who, say, graduated college the same year as I did.
More than that, I’m actually enjoying it immensely, and grateful for the practical aspect of being able to be a caregiver for my elderly mother without having to ration my time between that duty and nurturing a romantic relationship. I moved back home during the pandemic to care for her, and a man in my life (or a woman, who knows?), might be a burden to me in this situation. After all I’ve been through (widowhood, moving multiple times, other deaths in the family, the freaking Pandemic) anyone who isn’t a help would be a burden to me right now.
What is difficult about being your age?
Worrying about how I'll survive when I start finding it hard to get work/employment, or when I lose relevance as a writer and artist. It’s hard to admit, but most people do get old and out of touch. I sometimes think it won’t happen to me because my financial precarity keeps me on my toes. But ageism is real for a reason. I’m not too proud to admit I may lose relevance someday. I hope I won’t, but I know it happens. Trying to isolate what is unique about me and my artistic approach from what characterizes my generation and/or passing trends and fads is a challenge. Very few artists have been able to turn their aging into a pivotal and beautiful element of their work.
I worry about taking care of so many people. Witnessing their physical and mental and moral decline, not to mention: death. I worry that living through all this with them will have aged me, morally, and that I might get too used to being around mental and physical decline, and become estranged from youth and vitality. Inversely, I also worry whether I have the right to get involved with a partner who might get stuck being my caregiver when I get old and feeble. Whenever I recall the day I realized my husband had become an old, grumpy, fearful man, I’m filled with dread. He’d been an eternal, joyful man-boy till the age of 68. He died two years later, at 70.
However, I will have lived a very different, more curious and intellectually stimulating life, not to mention physically healthier life than my husband’s and parents’ lives, so maybe I will age differently. Fingers crossed.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
I thought (or hoped) I’d be more financially secure. Never thought I’d be so financially precarious. It’s simultaneously terrifying and exciting, because really, anything could happen, good or bad.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
It’s given me experience, wisdom, time to heal and learn. It's given me a lot of clothes and footwear and books and dry goods.
It’s robbed me of collagen and physical strength! And feet that don’t hurt and good eyesight. It has robbed me of whatever hormones and/or delusions were making most men tolerable and attractive to me up till now.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
I always remember how my mother said that looking in the mirror in her middle age felt like a betrayal, that the person in the mirror didn’t correspond with her image of herself. I agree, it’s sometimes disconcerting to see how my face and body have changed, but since I never really believed in them, it’s no huge tragedy.
I have never had a stable sense of myself. I have only ever wanted to evolve into a better version of myself, which, I guess, is a curious, inventive, problem-solving self who enjoys research and sharing what I know through storytelling. As I get older, perhaps people take me a little more seriously than when I was younger, so that might be a good thing.
I sometimes have to remind myself that I’m older than some of the people I talk to as if they were my own age or as if they were older than I am, just based on their position of authority over me, or their place in certain hierarchies.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
Getting my bunions fixed. That would be nice. And I know everyone wants to own a house, but I’d rather have the financial ability to rent and have a super and doorman forever.
Every age since 37 has been my favorite age for exactly a year. I see what’s great about every year under my belt and never look back.
Oh, wait! Being able to take advantage of senior discounts! That’ll be fabulous.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
Every age since 37 has been my favorite age for exactly a year. I see what’s great about every year under my belt and never look back.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
No, I admire certain aspects of a large variety of people based on how they live, whatever their age. A friend and former teacher of mine who is now in his mid-70s once said something to the effect that we have to watch and listen to younger people because they know things we older people will never know without them, and I think he’s right. I’ve seen younger people reveal, through their ways of navigating life, possibilities I had never suspected existed, and been inspired by that. I guess my job is to tell them what he told me, so they know it when they get older, too.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Style-wise, I am not aging in a ladylike manner, but I’m also not trying to look young. I like looking slightly witchy or like I might be an eccentric old artist, which I am.
Beauty-wise I don’t spend money on expensive anti-aging products because first of all they don’t work, and second of all I’m too cheap. I do use a very basic glycolic acid exfoliant to help with my dry skin, and use my trusty “Egyptian Magic” moisturizer from the “ethnic aisle” in the beauty store.
I’ve stopped wearing dark lipstick because it makes me look like a vampire now! And I can’t wear eyeliner without it getting all over the place anymore. So, I only use it for Zoom or special (brief) occasions.
Oh, and yeah, I have to tweeze wiry black hairs off my chin on a regular basis, though I only pluck the darkest and wiriest ones out of my femstache, because otherwise it would be too much work. I can live with a femstache. I kind of like it. It reminds me that I belong to the animal world.
Health-wise, I’ve given up on progressive lenses in my glasses because I can’t keep up with the rapidly changing prescription, so I just use cheap readers when necessary. I hope my vision will stabilize soon.
A couple years ago I used a special device to correct my “urgency incontinence,” which was long-standing since my teen years. What’s age-related about it is I finally realized there was something I could do about it, and did it. It also seemed to help with discomfort related to the lower blood flow and the resulting thinning of the vaginal mucosa (well, you asked, and what happens to our reproductive organs is a major part of us older women’s health).
I also use a vaginal moisturizer, something I didn’t need before menopause. I say this without shame because I’ve noticed a lot of women just don’t have the courage to talk about it, and therefore suffer needlessly. Also, I hear all about men’s erectile dysfunction in ads all the time as if it were everyone’s business, so I feel free to talk about my vaginal issues with the same, mainstreaming spirit and intention.
Very important: I bought a furniture lifter (curved crowbar-like device) for opening sticky windows so I wouldn’t throw my back out like I did last year. Works like a charm.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Not going to try to look younger.
Not coloring my hair! Never! Not for any kind of job where I’m making under $200K a year, anyway.
Never getting cosmetic surgery. No fakery.
Never gonna wear “old lady” clothes unless it’s for tongue-in-cheek reasons.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
I love my birthday and I tell everyone about it months in advance. Queen for a day, forever!
Carolita Johnson is a New Yorker cartoonist, as well as an illustrator, and writer. Also, recently, a widow and caregiver.
Yay!!! I’m an Oldster! :)))