This is 45: Elizabeth Spiers Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire

"I came to marriage and motherhood late, but I wouldn’t have it any other way."

From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”

Here, Elizabeth Spiers—writer, digital strategist, and the founding editor of Gawker—responds. - Sari Botton

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Elizabeth Spiers at 45.

How old are you?

45

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think? 

Approximately 33.3. I don’t feel as physically agile and limber as I did in my 20s, but I don’t feel 45, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Maybe my lower back feels 45, but that’s about it.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I feel young for my age. I blame the Internet. I’ve been extremely online for a long time, so I think I live in a pop culture milieu that’s populated mostly by people a decade or two younger.

I know it’s not fashionable to say that you don’t like being less visible sexually, because fuck the male gaze, but I’ll be honest: it’s not my favorite.

What do you like about being your age?

I feel more comfortable about who I am at 45 than I did at 25, flaws and all. I still have plenty of insecurities, but I’m less self-conscious, and less anxious about what other people think of me.

What is difficult about being your age?

I will admit that I dislike some of the physical aspects including things that have to do with my personal vanity. I’m not as athletic as I used to be. I know it’s not fashionable to say that you don’t like being less visible sexually, because fuck the male gaze, but I’ll be honest: it’s not my favorite. That said, I’m relatively healthy for my age, and I try not to take that for granted. My knees are still working and I can still run and compete in races, and I’m very thankful for that because I don’t know how long it’ll last.

What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?

I think I have way more energy and inclination to do new things than I thought I would. I’ve always liked new experiences and been easily bored with sameness and I thought at some point I’d become more resistant to change. But I still love novel experiences and seek them out.

My biological mother is Mexican and Indigenous and we all go gray very late, and most of the women started going gray with a single streak of white right at the temple, a la Susan Sontag. Mine just started coming in this year and I kind of like it so am not inclined to dye my hair, and have thus far escaped any temptation to.

What has aging given you? Taken away from you?

I think it’s given me more of a sense of agency—especially over how I feel and how I react to things. I feel less helpless when I’m confronted with adversity.

I’m not sure aging has really taken anything away from me, except maybe my flexibility, bone density, and perhaps part of my working memory—the latter of which may be as much a function of how much time I spend on the Internet as it is aging. 

How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?

I have a much better sense of who I am and which parts of my identity are mutable and which are constant. Some of that understanding comes from evolving relationships with other people who weren’t in my life a decade ago: my six-year-old son, my birth mother and biological siblings, my husband. Family is a mirror in many ways.

Professionally, it took me a long time to admit that I was a real writer, which sounds very silly because I’ve been doing it for pay for two decades now, but I always considered it a kind of thing I did incidentally, partly to protect myself from disappointment if I failed at it. Now I’m more comfortable with owning it—even when I do fail at it.

I feel young for my age. I blame the Internet. I’ve been extremely online for a long time, so I think I live in a pop culture milieu that’s populated mostly by people a decade or two younger.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?

I look forward to watching my son grow up, though I know that’ll be bittersweet. And I hope to do well enough professionally that I can spend more time reading and thinking and educating myself than I do trying to earn a paycheck—though I don’t expect that I’ll ever retire in the traditional sense, even if I can afford it.

I would go back to grad school if I had the time and money. Not for the credential, but to spend a significant amount of time learning about something very deeply, which is hard to do in everyday life.

I came to marriage and motherhood late, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. (I never really assumed I’d get married or have kids to begin with.) I don’t feel like there are any adventures I missed in my twenties as a result.

What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

I think there are specific things I’ve liked at different times in my life. In my mid-twenties I remember being very happy around the time I was writing Gawker because I had a real sense that anything was possible. I think I began to feel professionally competent in my early 30s. In my 40s, I feel more like an adult, less afraid of things, less anxious all the time.

I don’t think I’d go back to a specific age, except maybe to re-do college. I feel like I would be much better at it, academically and socially, now!

Plastic surgery is a line I don’t think I’d cross, but I’ve also learned not to adamantly claim I’m never going to do something twenty years from now because that’s just tempting fate. (Twenty years ago I said I’d never write a memoir, and I’m working on a proposal right now for one.)

Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

My grandmother on my mother’s side died in May and she always seemed younger than most of the people in my family because she didn’t see any reason to give up things she enjoyed just because she was older. She was very social, loved going places and doing things, and had a string of boyfriends well into her late 80s because she didn’t think she or anyone else had an expiration date on finding love. She also had a wonderful sense of mischief. I hope to one day be wheeling myself around the assisted living facility causing trouble myself.

What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?

My biological mother is Mexican and Indigenous and we all go gray very late, and most of the women started going gray with a single streak of white right at the temple, a la Susan Sontag. Mine just started coming in this year and I kind of like it so am not inclined to dye my hair, and have thus far escaped any temptation to.

I started using a retinol on my skin maybe a year ago, but I can’t think of anything else I’ve done beauty-wise that’s really age related.

Health-wise, I cut back on drinking because I can’t tolerate hangovers anymore, and I’m trying to get into the habit of doing resistance training regularly, not for vanity reasons but because I got a DEXA scan and apparently I’m overachieving in the bone density loss department and I guess it just needs to be part of my routine going forward.

In my 40s, I feel more like an adult, less afraid of things, less anxious all the time.

What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?

Plastic surgery is a line I don’t think I’d cross, but I’ve also learned not to adamantly claim I’m never going to do something twenty years from now because that’s just tempting fate. (Twenty years ago I said I’d never write a memoir, and I’m working on a proposal right now for one.)

And I’m not going to stop running till my knees/hips/ankles/whatever give out.

I am also not going to make more conservative sartorial choices, I think. I don’t feel like I need to hide my body, even if it’s not in the shape it was twenty years ago.

What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?

I actually like birthdays. It’s an opportunity to do something nice with people you love and reflect on everything that’s happened in the prior year. (If it’s been a bad year, they’re not as pleasant, but I like having specific dates to stop and appreciate how far I’ve come and what’s still possible.)

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Elizabeth Spiers is a writer and digital strategist. She works with progressive Democrats, teaches journalism students at NYU, writes political commentary for a variety of publications, and is the Pay Dirt columnist at Slate. She was previously the editor in chief of The New York Observer, and was the founding editor of Gawker.