This is 40: Sherisa de Groot Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire
"I wish I grew up with a celebration of aging. I wish I saw it in society."
From the time I was 10, I’ve been obsessed with what it means to grow older. I’m curious about what it means to others, of all ages, and so I invite them to take “The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire.”
Here, Raising Mothers founder Sherisa de Groot responds.- Sari Botton
How old are you?
40
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
It wasn’t really about the age, but it was the year 1996. Up until maybe 2021, it’s felt like yesterday to me. It’s just such a sweet point in my childhood to instantly return to. I can still feel the warmth of a Brooklyn summer sun in ’96, when I was 14.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I finally feel just right. I’ve felt like I was 30 since I was about 11, so now being 40 leaves me with space to ponder how will I architect my 40s to make it about me. I am not financially in step with my peers, but that doesn’t bother me as much as a younger version of myself thought it would. What I’ve gained this past decade is a clarity I wouldn’t trade for the world.
I can still feel the warmth of a Brooklyn summer sun in ’96, when I was 14.
What do you like about being your age?
I like how easy it feels to express myself. It’s almost like my spirit is jumping to answer for me before I make myself small. I like my body. I like my grays. I like that I haven’t allowed life to harden me. I like that so many of my friends are turning 40 this year and there’s comfort in seeing people you’ve known for 20-30 years aging and owning that. I find great joy and pride in getting older so 40 is exciting.
What is difficult about being your age?
Mortality is difficult. I see how close in age I am to so many public facing people that have passed on. Seeing close friends and family pass at a steady interval these past 10 years felt too soon to me. Knowing that more will happen as I age is daunting but teaching me to live life. I want to really live and I don’t feel like I’ve had that opportunity in ways I would want just yet.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
Forty isn’t an age I ever thought about. It was never pinned as a milestone and that’s such a shame, because there’s a marked difference once you enter your 40s thats feels like you are really doing for you in ways that other people don’t get to control anymore. I wish I grew up with a celebration of aging. I wish I saw it in society. That’s why I want to make sure I can become a living example of that. I want my kids to see that there’s no shame in aging and that it’s actually fun and cool.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
Aging has given me more of myself. My perspective is different. I was such a serious child and I think it robbed me of truly enjoying just being. Aging hasn’t made me feel like there’s a ticking clock and that life is short, but I just want to make the most of my time here. That can be as simple as sitting on a bench in the sun, looking out on the water and breathing.
Aging has given me more of myself. My perspective is different. I was such a serious child and I think it robbed me of truly enjoying just being.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
Getting older has made me more curious about doing the research to really know my full identity. I am a first generation American born to British and Jamaican parents. I had the greatest fortune of growing up with my maternal grandmother who was never short on stories of her youth in Jamaica and her adulthood in England, and then I experienced her American time on this earth. There is so much I don’t know. So much I want to catalogue and be able to give my children. I’ve always wanted to know more, but living outside my place of birth around the same time she did, makes me wonder what it was like to be so far away from her familiar. There are so many stories I wish I could uncover. I feel drawn to learning more so I can know myself better.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I’m looking forward to financial stability. I am looking forward to maybe one day owning a home or some land. I am looking forward to writing books and having them published. Once I became a parent, so much of what I wanted shifted to what I needed to provide. I just want to age gracefully, happily and be good to myself and those I love.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I don’t know that I have a favorite age. I have favorite ranges in time where I was coming into me and I loved those stages. I remember being 21-24 and loving that stage even dealing with relationships. I was fearless. I think 30-31 was amazing also because I just became a mother and I was mesmerized by my body’s abilities. I got to know myself in a way I couldn’t have dreamed. It showed me my strength, both physical and mental.
I had the greatest fortune of growing up with my maternal grandmother who was never short on stories of her youth in Jamaica and her adulthood in England, and then I experienced her American time on this earth.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
I think my grandmother was my aging idol. She lived to see 70, but she never ever gave off this idea of being old. She always felt like she had the exuberance of a 20-something year old. I think it’s bottled in my memory and understanding of getting older.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
One thing I think about a lot is how to dress. What does it mean to dress like I’m 40? I had my go-to styles in my 20s, and then my 30’s was all about comfort and accessibility for nursing. I think my 40s will be more comfort, but it will be whatever I want it to be. I want to aim to impress myself.
I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 23 and recently have tried being vegan. My entire family is vegan so it wasn’t hard to cut the eggs. When I had kids, I started struggling with my water intake so now I’m more intentional about having some fruit every day and drinking as much water as I can remember to. Let me get up and pour a glass right now btw.
Beauty-wise, I’ve always struggled with skincare. I hope to lock that down this year finally and stick to it. I feel like my face has aged tremendously, and my body has never adjusted to the European climate after moving from Brooklyn to Amsterdam 11.5 years ago.
I don’t ever want to become the person that discredits what someone younger says and thinks based solely on my being older. I want to remain someone who is eager to learn and change.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
Well, for one, I don’t believe that people are “old” anymore. Yes, we age, but we aren’t old. Old usually means we can be discarded. I’ve seen what being old does to people. It makes them fearful and when you are fearful, you react from emotion in a way that jeopardizes whole swaths of society. I don’t ever want to become the person that discredits what someone younger says and thinks based solely on my being older. I want to remain someone who is eager to learn and change.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
You should absolutely celebrate every single birthday. I see them all as gifts. What I used to do and need to start doing again is keeping the day for myself and treat myself to whatever I feel I need.
This year my son made me a sweet craft at school and we had my favorite dessert, Dutch apple pie.
Loved it!
All the questioner posts are my favorite!
I learn to accept aging easier.
Thank you.
Jane, there are lots of essays from a variety of people/ages! Check out the archive.