Suzanne Noble on the low-commitment relationship she’s been enjoying for two-and-a-half years. PLUS: An open thread where you can chime in about your own casual—or not-so-casual—relationships...
I’m 37. One 12 year common law marriage in my 20s that I outgrew and left when I was 32. The last 5 years have had a variety of relationships - some committed and some not. All fascinating and my life is big and rich with friends. I moved to the city I wanted to live in and support myself working in tech and do my art things on the side. But it’s not compatible with having children, which I want. Very hard at my age to find a man who isn’t avoidant about kids or who doesn’t already have them and afraid/incapable of having more. I think in the discourse about non-monogamy there’s a huge blind spot about marriage as a container of stability for raising young children. It gets very tedious hearing from people that I should just do single mom by choice (I can’t afford it, and it’s non romantic). I think I will feel differently when I’m older but right now, hormonally, everything in my system wants to match and settle so i can mate. I hope I get the chance to be a mother that so many of the post-menopausal women did, who are now writing about their sexual unconventionality, now that the early childrearing years are neatly far behind them. I know i sound bitter. I am a little bit at cultural discourse blithely dispensing with monogamy! (See All Fours). And in these sexual tell alls, no one ever discusses the real taboo - money. Marriage is an institutional tool for wealth creation same as home ownership. It’s easy to accept insecure relationships if you have your security needs met from alimony or wealth creation with a former partner (eg buying and selling a home together).
I feel for your dilemma. If I may say something about being a mother, it’s not the be all you might imagine. Now 68, my children are adults who have full and busy lives and I am their past (along with their fathers). Children are not equity in the future. And my heavens it was very hard to work full time and be a mother and their fathers only resented the displacement of my adoring attention to their needs. The only argument for children is that life is an adventure into the unknown.
But to be clear - maybe the map is - monogamy when younger and to launch the kids, and non-monogamy when older. I think that this path benefits women the most! Older men think benefit from long marriages profoundly. At least observing from my family, the caretaking and health benefits the older men receive from being married, makes a huge difference in their outcomes and longevity. I also wonder what it is like to be an older woman with no partner and no kids! And whether that feels lonely. Maybe having adult children is the key ingredient to feeling one’s life is well peopled, just enough to enjoy living alone. Best wishes to all because I know it’s not easy to be human moderns and all doing our best.
I'm an older woman - 82 - single for 44 years after two marriages. No kids. I appreciate my independence, am sometimes lonely - especially when watching a sweet moment in a romantic movie - and more content with my life and friends now than when I was in marriages and afraid the husband would leave me. He didn't. I did. I'd had enough. I do wonder about care in my future if/when I can't take care of myself, but I wouldn't count on a partner for that kind of challenge...so I live my life one day at a time...but with good friends around.
Claire, thanks for your honesty and for bringing up an important issue that points to the lack of social support in our society for raising children outside of traditional (heterosexual) marriage arrangements- in other countries the marriage rates have fallen but not birthrates, partly due to childcare and other services being provided by the government (see Netherlands, Scandinavia, etc). As a queer person in my sixties, I had no legal access to the 1000+ benefits that marriage provides and had to make my own way even though I was partnered for 22 years (monogamous) and we raised an adopted child together. Keeping an eye on exactly why you want to become a parent and what the financial options truly are for you, would you be open to non-traditional arrangements that include raising children with friends or family or having a non-romantic male partner (perhaps a gay man) to help with finances? Just throwing some friendly 🌈 .
Thanks Rachel and appreciate this comment. I grew up in Berkeley attending a family camp every summer for queer families and their kids. My mom was a single mom but welcomed into that community. So lots of great models for non traditional families, although I saw a lot of couples there who raised their kids very monogamously. My partner of 12 years had lesbian moms who built wealth not through traditional marriage benefits but still pooled income and domestic responsibilities over decades, and bought property, invested in stock market to accrue wealth. I am a romantic at heart and very straight so still hoping to find a partner but def talking to friends about this. Will see where I land in a few years.
I will say - my domestic partner and I weren’t married, I think in part because we put little stock into marriage because his moms weren’t allowed to be married most of his life and mine were divorced. Ultimately this decision hurt me financially tho - I contributed to his mortgage for years and when we separated I had no equity. If we were married, I would have had legal rights.
That’s wonderful! I’ve lived in the bay area for many years and seen lots of changes to the queer landscape and the economic viability of being here. Yes, I’ve saved and invested - I’m very fortunate.
I think my friends went to that family camp when their kids were younger!
Thank you so much for this, Suzanne. At 58, I love living alone. The women in my life - sister, friends - are my most important relationships, and I've realized that just because I want to have sex with men doesn't mean I need to be attached to one. Since my divorce 11 years ago, I've been on and off the apps (currently Feeld), meeting mostly wonderful sexual partners. Ten years ago, in the throes of perimenopause, my sex drive made me feel like a teenage boy, and sometimes scheduling dates seemed like a full-time job. These days, I'm content meeting up once a week or twice a month, and the main question I ask when considering if I want to see someone again is, "Is he worth changing the sheets for?" As with your situationship, I've met men on the apps I would never have encountered otherwise, and in addition to the sex, there's great joy in glimpsing other worlds.
That's great to hear, Anna. I like your change the sheets test too! That's pretty much my criteria as well. I have used Feeld too. It used to be lousy for older women, but over the past couple of years more older people seem to be popping up on it.
For whatever reason, I tend to have an allergic reaction to men my age and older (could it be the mansplaining?), so the abundance of younger men on the apps is great for me :)
I've flirted with doing this but one thing has made me reluctant, so please consider this a serious inquiry not a rhetorical question: how do you know this stranger on the app isn't an ax murderer?
Well, I usually live with at least one AirBnB guest so I always feel safe. Other than that, I have enough chat beforehand to get a good gut instinct and I've never felt unsafe. Always meet them in a public place the first time too.
I’m also a woman in my mid-50s who finds sex-forward connections on the apps - often very delightful - and my approach to the “ax murderer problem” is that I push to meet up in person in a public place for coffee or a (single) glass of wine, pretty soon after matching. I make clear in advance that there will be no sex or private time at the conclusion of that date; it’s for screening only. If someone seems pushy or off in any way, that’s it, I walk. I prefer in-person vetting to texting because I think my gut BS detector has gotten pretty discerning over the decades. Also, if you get someone talking about themselves for a while, they will reveal enough information that you can google them extensively afterwards, including checking your state’s public court records search. If I see that the guy has something to lose - a career or a reputation in a creative field or a community, close with family, that’s a good sign. Also, consider how many women are harmed and murdered by male “friends” and intimate partners! Even the most traditional types of dating and partnering do not eradicate the risk of being alone with a man, sadly.
Love that we’ve got language for this type of relationship.
I’m 62 , divorced from my first husband after being together for more than 30 years and raising two children now in their 30’s.
Then married the love of my life who I met on the Camino de Santiago and was with him for 10 years before he passed away - he was 18 years older than me and i cared for him when he got dementia.
After a year of widowhood I met a rough and tumble Irishman who asked me to have coffee after seeing me walking around a market - I was taken aback but when he said what have you got to lose ?, I didn’t have an answer and had a coffee , our relationship started off physically and has changed to a long distance travel buddy / partner .
We are monogamous and travel together and speak often - however it suits me to be able to spend time on my own and immerse myself into being a Nana when I’m home and also seeing my friends and enjoying the freedom of not needing to consider anyone else before I decide to do anything - so for now this works for us, although he did propose but we live on different continents and decided to keep things as they are for the time being. The freedom of not buying in to conventional models is very liberating.
Yes having stakes in the community or a reputation to uphold would be a great qualifier. And it's an apt point about the stats around who is most likely to cause harm. But, while it's factually correct about women typically knowing their perpetrator, it still doesn't make me "feel" better, ya know? Obviously, not rational, but there you have it.
We always text for a bit, and if anything seems off, we don’t meet. Anyone who’s too slick or seems like they could use their lines on anyone is a pass. In my experience, you can get a sense of someone’s personality very quickly over text. Sometimes we talk on the phone before meeting, but that’s rare. I also always meet in public before inviting someone back to my place. The beauty of the apps is that it’s all in your control. If you don’t feel like meeting someone, then don’t. Not all matches lead to texting, not all texting leads to meeting in person, and not all dates lead to sex.
We met 24 years ago and don't agree on many things especially politics. But we give each other space and respect. This past year, we remodeled our house with a new "wing" for him and the original one for me. We meet in the middle for kisses, hugs, meals, tv. We travel a lot, also. He is 82 and I am 76.
I am 70 and about to celebrate a year of being divorced from a difficult person who spent almost 3 years dragging his feet after we separated. Sign me up for a situationship! I don't want to go on dating apps and am now seriously considering a "gigolo" service. Yeah, I do not ever want to live with someone and miss sex, being held and kissed. NOT looking for the love of my life and pretty frisky. This sounds great!
Hi ... I'm 80, married almost 58 years, lots of kids, lots of grandkids, a life rich with unearned love and devotion ... and monogamy. It works for me (I don't deign to speak for my wife, but she has told me in many ways it also works for her.) As a child of the '60s ("whatever gets you through the night" slowly transformed into "whatever gets you through this life"), I very much appreciated--even applauded--reading about Suzanne's happy low-commitment arrangements, but don't see my high commitment life as "old fashioned" or lacking in experimentation. It's just taken me on a different path to the waterfall.
I’m 61, divorced (from a woman) after 22 years of non-legal queer “marriage” that became legal only a year before we separated. I’ve raised an adult daughter (she’s 28 and was adopted as an infant) and have subsequently had several monogamous relationships with women (I haven’t slept with a man since 1985!) that lasted 2-4 years. Since my divorce ten years ago, I haven’t lived with anyone full-time and don’t really want to. But that could change if I meet the right person and/or have to move in with family due to financial or health constraints. Having been the “provider” my entire adult life and also a queer woman without male partners means my financial security is a bit shakier than I’d like, but sex is incredibly important to me, as is intimacy and shared experiences. About two years ago, I embarked on an adventure with a much younger woman (34) who has an “open” lifestyle and lives mostly in Portugal. We met here in California at a Buddhist retreat center and became friends and semi-collaborators on a film project. It never occurred to me that she would be a romantic or sexual partner with the age difference and I kept my boundaries even when she was living in my apartment for a time. Eventually, we both felt a strong attraction and she made all the first moves! It was exciting and I liked the idea of low-commitment with some geographical distance. I didn’t want another long-term relationship or to hold her back in anyway from expressing her own desires (being bisexual and wanting to have a child eventually), so it worked for a time. I learned a lot about how to navigate my own needs and express them more clearly, and to see and practice with jealousy or a sense of uncertainty when she spent time with other lovers. I liked knowing that I had that freedom to connect too, and wasn’t “trapped” by monogamy. The sex was beyond hot - I got to be her older, wiser, skilled butch lover -her body was responsive to me in very exciting ways and we enjoyed knowing that there was no pressure to give more than pleasure -she had never been so satisfied and that made me very happy. But eventually the age gap and my need for more secure attachment and intimacy, coupled with a tendency on her part to devalue me while also asking for a lot of emotional support, wore me down. And the distance was hard too. I’m all for ethical non-monogamy if all parties are consenting and gifted at open communication, but my foray into that world left me feeling a bit cold and nostalgic for the one person to be close to and trust implicitly. Hot sex is wonderful and yet… after many years of exploring that realm I feel that friendship and intimacy - or even being alone with oneself in total acceptance - is preferable to sex without love. Maybe that’s the Buddhist in me or just the chivalrous romantic dyke! I’d rather be alone and free than caught up in drama.
This is a fascinating topic. Thank you for this conversation. I don't need my sexual partner to be integrated into my life to be happy. And while I choose to have one sexual partner at a time, the best relationship I have ever had was structured as a situationship, for over 10 years, although we didn't call it that, because the language wasn't in the zeitgeist. This choice gave me the freedom to stay committed to full-time parenting of my children, while loving and exploring the full expression of sharing love with my body. I experienced so much shame around the relationship then, because people felt he wasn't stepping up. But he gave me exactly what I needed.
As a 72 cis hetero female I am in my 5th marriage (serial monogamist thanks to my not getting that I am best in a solitary life with booty calls and not figuring out that you can have a long term sexual relationship without a certificate). Abrupt onset full menopause due to breast cancer left me with virtually no libido and the understanding that no sex wasn’t fair to him. We are living separately but still fully married in the technical sense and loving our unconventional marriage. He has any type of relationship he needs and I get the friendship and companionship we built in a 20 year conventional marriage. Recently I broke my leg and he moved in and cared for me lovingly for the 3 months I was seriously laid up. I hope when his time comes to be cared for I am as loving to him. All sorts of relationships are out there if one can overcome those norms we had instilled in us in our formative years. Just getting it now.
Yes, we can support other people with or without certificates, and the certificates sometimes are more problematic...love how this time you are writing your own rules together and the relationship is this beautiful solid thing in your life.
I’m 57, and I’ve been non-monogamous with my spouse of 30+ years the whole time we’ve been together.
Now that I’m nearing retirement in a few months, I’m looking forward to having a bit more time to focus on building some new… idk… might be anything from a casual situationship to relationship, who knows.
I’ve been in other relationships in the past, and my partner has been with her other partner now for… has it been 20 years? Wow.
Not everyone is cut out for close physical intimacy with multiple partners, but it works for us. And it can work out over long periods of time.
Suzanne, I love how clear and direct you are about your needs! I especially appreciate the details that include differences between you and your “handyman” that make sex more exciting and satisfying but could be obstacles to a harmonious domestic arrangement. And all the comments so far are fascinating and endearing in their honesty- “if women told the truth about their lives, the world would crack open” - Kate Millet
Ahhhh, I'm just so fascinated with Suzanne's situationship, I would love to be in one! I'm 67, long divorced and celibate for a number of years now (long story) but feeling the itch to get out, have dinner, then sex or maybe just sex? What I don't want is a full time relationship, maybe simply companionship? I love my sweet in-law-suite that I've decorated to my taste and cherish my early morning views of our wooded lot. I don't know if I could ever have someone sleep over in my bed lol Sex yes, early morning conversation?? Yikes
I am 70. I've been married three times, and I have survived cancer three times; in both cases the third time was not the charm. I have been divorced now for six months, and I have no desire to marry again. Currently, I live alone. I have not had sex for some time, and I miss it and the warm embrace of a simpatico woman very much. I am open to relationships of all shapes, sizes and stripes. Platonic friendship? Situationship? Fuck buddies? Polyamory? Casual dating? Open to any and all of it. I only require certain, simple ground rules of order, and those are no MAGA, and no Trumpers. Judging by the dating apps I'm on - Match and Hinge - most women seem to see those two things as dealbreakers as well. At this point, I am more open than a 7-11 on meth. The few women that I have met IRL all considered me not their cup of tea. I'm not bad looking, but cancer has taken its toll, but not from the neck up and the waist down.
But I'm open to anything. Maybe I need to look on different dating/sex apps, but not sure which ones.
How do you “make” a relationship more serious than it is? That can only lead to trouble. It is what it is. And we are who we are.
I’m 88 and admit to being a hopeful romantic. Too many Fred and Ginger movies. Now a widower, In my limited experience of octogenarian online dating it’s striking how many women say they are “seeking a serious relationship” but really aren’t because it’s too much work. Too much baggage to unload. So I’m situationalizing my situation.
In my 20's I travelled internationally quite a bit and had sex partners in many different countries. I was very adventurous. At 37 I married and had one son. We had a satisfying sex life and enjoyed monogamy, but divorced after 16 years. At 55 I discovered my true sexual self. I began dating various men on Bumble, Feeld and Hinge. It was exciting, somewhat risky, mostly satisfying. Two beautiful men, 20 years my junior, taught me to have "no shame" and a lot of spontaneous fun. No regrets. Then an STD showed up on a pap smear. I was devastated but managed to find a healthy vaginal flora balance and continued my adventures practicing safe sex. Then I was introduced to the Energetic Blueprints for Pleasure and met my match and current fiancé. He has skills, tools and toys. He loves to please and explore and most importantly, I feel emotionally and physically safe with him. We play a lot and make intimacy a priority in our relationship. I turned "Sexty" last year, and am looking forward to the next decade of monogamy.
I’m 37. One 12 year common law marriage in my 20s that I outgrew and left when I was 32. The last 5 years have had a variety of relationships - some committed and some not. All fascinating and my life is big and rich with friends. I moved to the city I wanted to live in and support myself working in tech and do my art things on the side. But it’s not compatible with having children, which I want. Very hard at my age to find a man who isn’t avoidant about kids or who doesn’t already have them and afraid/incapable of having more. I think in the discourse about non-monogamy there’s a huge blind spot about marriage as a container of stability for raising young children. It gets very tedious hearing from people that I should just do single mom by choice (I can’t afford it, and it’s non romantic). I think I will feel differently when I’m older but right now, hormonally, everything in my system wants to match and settle so i can mate. I hope I get the chance to be a mother that so many of the post-menopausal women did, who are now writing about their sexual unconventionality, now that the early childrearing years are neatly far behind them. I know i sound bitter. I am a little bit at cultural discourse blithely dispensing with monogamy! (See All Fours). And in these sexual tell alls, no one ever discusses the real taboo - money. Marriage is an institutional tool for wealth creation same as home ownership. It’s easy to accept insecure relationships if you have your security needs met from alimony or wealth creation with a former partner (eg buying and selling a home together).
I feel for your dilemma. If I may say something about being a mother, it’s not the be all you might imagine. Now 68, my children are adults who have full and busy lives and I am their past (along with their fathers). Children are not equity in the future. And my heavens it was very hard to work full time and be a mother and their fathers only resented the displacement of my adoring attention to their needs. The only argument for children is that life is an adventure into the unknown.
But to be clear - maybe the map is - monogamy when younger and to launch the kids, and non-monogamy when older. I think that this path benefits women the most! Older men think benefit from long marriages profoundly. At least observing from my family, the caretaking and health benefits the older men receive from being married, makes a huge difference in their outcomes and longevity. I also wonder what it is like to be an older woman with no partner and no kids! And whether that feels lonely. Maybe having adult children is the key ingredient to feeling one’s life is well peopled, just enough to enjoy living alone. Best wishes to all because I know it’s not easy to be human moderns and all doing our best.
I'm an older woman - 82 - single for 44 years after two marriages. No kids. I appreciate my independence, am sometimes lonely - especially when watching a sweet moment in a romantic movie - and more content with my life and friends now than when I was in marriages and afraid the husband would leave me. He didn't. I did. I'd had enough. I do wonder about care in my future if/when I can't take care of myself, but I wouldn't count on a partner for that kind of challenge...so I live my life one day at a time...but with good friends around.
Good for you Jean 🩷
Claire, thanks for your honesty and for bringing up an important issue that points to the lack of social support in our society for raising children outside of traditional (heterosexual) marriage arrangements- in other countries the marriage rates have fallen but not birthrates, partly due to childcare and other services being provided by the government (see Netherlands, Scandinavia, etc). As a queer person in my sixties, I had no legal access to the 1000+ benefits that marriage provides and had to make my own way even though I was partnered for 22 years (monogamous) and we raised an adopted child together. Keeping an eye on exactly why you want to become a parent and what the financial options truly are for you, would you be open to non-traditional arrangements that include raising children with friends or family or having a non-romantic male partner (perhaps a gay man) to help with finances? Just throwing some friendly 🌈 .
Thanks Rachel and appreciate this comment. I grew up in Berkeley attending a family camp every summer for queer families and their kids. My mom was a single mom but welcomed into that community. So lots of great models for non traditional families, although I saw a lot of couples there who raised their kids very monogamously. My partner of 12 years had lesbian moms who built wealth not through traditional marriage benefits but still pooled income and domestic responsibilities over decades, and bought property, invested in stock market to accrue wealth. I am a romantic at heart and very straight so still hoping to find a partner but def talking to friends about this. Will see where I land in a few years.
I will say - my domestic partner and I weren’t married, I think in part because we put little stock into marriage because his moms weren’t allowed to be married most of his life and mine were divorced. Ultimately this decision hurt me financially tho - I contributed to his mortgage for years and when we separated I had no equity. If we were married, I would have had legal rights.
Exactly- sorry that happened to you! I also paid “single” level taxes for all the years I was in a “marriage” - ugh.
That’s wonderful! I’ve lived in the bay area for many years and seen lots of changes to the queer landscape and the economic viability of being here. Yes, I’ve saved and invested - I’m very fortunate.
I think my friends went to that family camp when their kids were younger!
Was it connected to Camp Tawonga?
<3
Thank you so much for this, Suzanne. At 58, I love living alone. The women in my life - sister, friends - are my most important relationships, and I've realized that just because I want to have sex with men doesn't mean I need to be attached to one. Since my divorce 11 years ago, I've been on and off the apps (currently Feeld), meeting mostly wonderful sexual partners. Ten years ago, in the throes of perimenopause, my sex drive made me feel like a teenage boy, and sometimes scheduling dates seemed like a full-time job. These days, I'm content meeting up once a week or twice a month, and the main question I ask when considering if I want to see someone again is, "Is he worth changing the sheets for?" As with your situationship, I've met men on the apps I would never have encountered otherwise, and in addition to the sex, there's great joy in glimpsing other worlds.
Everyone should read your Oldster essay, too, Anna! https://oldster.substack.com/p/letter-to-my-younger-self-5-trust
Thank you, Sari!
That's great to hear, Anna. I like your change the sheets test too! That's pretty much my criteria as well. I have used Feeld too. It used to be lousy for older women, but over the past couple of years more older people seem to be popping up on it.
For whatever reason, I tend to have an allergic reaction to men my age and older (could it be the mansplaining?), so the abundance of younger men on the apps is great for me :)
I've flirted with doing this but one thing has made me reluctant, so please consider this a serious inquiry not a rhetorical question: how do you know this stranger on the app isn't an ax murderer?
Well, I usually live with at least one AirBnB guest so I always feel safe. Other than that, I have enough chat beforehand to get a good gut instinct and I've never felt unsafe. Always meet them in a public place the first time too.
I’m also a woman in my mid-50s who finds sex-forward connections on the apps - often very delightful - and my approach to the “ax murderer problem” is that I push to meet up in person in a public place for coffee or a (single) glass of wine, pretty soon after matching. I make clear in advance that there will be no sex or private time at the conclusion of that date; it’s for screening only. If someone seems pushy or off in any way, that’s it, I walk. I prefer in-person vetting to texting because I think my gut BS detector has gotten pretty discerning over the decades. Also, if you get someone talking about themselves for a while, they will reveal enough information that you can google them extensively afterwards, including checking your state’s public court records search. If I see that the guy has something to lose - a career or a reputation in a creative field or a community, close with family, that’s a good sign. Also, consider how many women are harmed and murdered by male “friends” and intimate partners! Even the most traditional types of dating and partnering do not eradicate the risk of being alone with a man, sadly.
Love that we’ve got language for this type of relationship.
I’m 62 , divorced from my first husband after being together for more than 30 years and raising two children now in their 30’s.
Then married the love of my life who I met on the Camino de Santiago and was with him for 10 years before he passed away - he was 18 years older than me and i cared for him when he got dementia.
After a year of widowhood I met a rough and tumble Irishman who asked me to have coffee after seeing me walking around a market - I was taken aback but when he said what have you got to lose ?, I didn’t have an answer and had a coffee , our relationship started off physically and has changed to a long distance travel buddy / partner .
We are monogamous and travel together and speak often - however it suits me to be able to spend time on my own and immerse myself into being a Nana when I’m home and also seeing my friends and enjoying the freedom of not needing to consider anyone else before I decide to do anything - so for now this works for us, although he did propose but we live on different continents and decided to keep things as they are for the time being. The freedom of not buying in to conventional models is very liberating.
Yes having stakes in the community or a reputation to uphold would be a great qualifier. And it's an apt point about the stats around who is most likely to cause harm. But, while it's factually correct about women typically knowing their perpetrator, it still doesn't make me "feel" better, ya know? Obviously, not rational, but there you have it.
We always text for a bit, and if anything seems off, we don’t meet. Anyone who’s too slick or seems like they could use their lines on anyone is a pass. In my experience, you can get a sense of someone’s personality very quickly over text. Sometimes we talk on the phone before meeting, but that’s rare. I also always meet in public before inviting someone back to my place. The beauty of the apps is that it’s all in your control. If you don’t feel like meeting someone, then don’t. Not all matches lead to texting, not all texting leads to meeting in person, and not all dates lead to sex.
Absolutely, and sometimes it really can feel like a full time job!
We met 24 years ago and don't agree on many things especially politics. But we give each other space and respect. This past year, we remodeled our house with a new "wing" for him and the original one for me. We meet in the middle for kisses, hugs, meals, tv. We travel a lot, also. He is 82 and I am 76.
I am 70 and about to celebrate a year of being divorced from a difficult person who spent almost 3 years dragging his feet after we separated. Sign me up for a situationship! I don't want to go on dating apps and am now seriously considering a "gigolo" service. Yeah, I do not ever want to live with someone and miss sex, being held and kissed. NOT looking for the love of my life and pretty frisky. This sounds great!
Hi ... I'm 80, married almost 58 years, lots of kids, lots of grandkids, a life rich with unearned love and devotion ... and monogamy. It works for me (I don't deign to speak for my wife, but she has told me in many ways it also works for her.) As a child of the '60s ("whatever gets you through the night" slowly transformed into "whatever gets you through this life"), I very much appreciated--even applauded--reading about Suzanne's happy low-commitment arrangements, but don't see my high commitment life as "old fashioned" or lacking in experimentation. It's just taken me on a different path to the waterfall.
I’m 61, divorced (from a woman) after 22 years of non-legal queer “marriage” that became legal only a year before we separated. I’ve raised an adult daughter (she’s 28 and was adopted as an infant) and have subsequently had several monogamous relationships with women (I haven’t slept with a man since 1985!) that lasted 2-4 years. Since my divorce ten years ago, I haven’t lived with anyone full-time and don’t really want to. But that could change if I meet the right person and/or have to move in with family due to financial or health constraints. Having been the “provider” my entire adult life and also a queer woman without male partners means my financial security is a bit shakier than I’d like, but sex is incredibly important to me, as is intimacy and shared experiences. About two years ago, I embarked on an adventure with a much younger woman (34) who has an “open” lifestyle and lives mostly in Portugal. We met here in California at a Buddhist retreat center and became friends and semi-collaborators on a film project. It never occurred to me that she would be a romantic or sexual partner with the age difference and I kept my boundaries even when she was living in my apartment for a time. Eventually, we both felt a strong attraction and she made all the first moves! It was exciting and I liked the idea of low-commitment with some geographical distance. I didn’t want another long-term relationship or to hold her back in anyway from expressing her own desires (being bisexual and wanting to have a child eventually), so it worked for a time. I learned a lot about how to navigate my own needs and express them more clearly, and to see and practice with jealousy or a sense of uncertainty when she spent time with other lovers. I liked knowing that I had that freedom to connect too, and wasn’t “trapped” by monogamy. The sex was beyond hot - I got to be her older, wiser, skilled butch lover -her body was responsive to me in very exciting ways and we enjoyed knowing that there was no pressure to give more than pleasure -she had never been so satisfied and that made me very happy. But eventually the age gap and my need for more secure attachment and intimacy, coupled with a tendency on her part to devalue me while also asking for a lot of emotional support, wore me down. And the distance was hard too. I’m all for ethical non-monogamy if all parties are consenting and gifted at open communication, but my foray into that world left me feeling a bit cold and nostalgic for the one person to be close to and trust implicitly. Hot sex is wonderful and yet… after many years of exploring that realm I feel that friendship and intimacy - or even being alone with oneself in total acceptance - is preferable to sex without love. Maybe that’s the Buddhist in me or just the chivalrous romantic dyke! I’d rather be alone and free than caught up in drama.
Yes to the no drama part! Love your journey.
This is a fascinating topic. Thank you for this conversation. I don't need my sexual partner to be integrated into my life to be happy. And while I choose to have one sexual partner at a time, the best relationship I have ever had was structured as a situationship, for over 10 years, although we didn't call it that, because the language wasn't in the zeitgeist. This choice gave me the freedom to stay committed to full-time parenting of my children, while loving and exploring the full expression of sharing love with my body. I experienced so much shame around the relationship then, because people felt he wasn't stepping up. But he gave me exactly what I needed.
this is mind-bogglingly fascinating to me... the very definition of "no strings attached"!
As a 72 cis hetero female I am in my 5th marriage (serial monogamist thanks to my not getting that I am best in a solitary life with booty calls and not figuring out that you can have a long term sexual relationship without a certificate). Abrupt onset full menopause due to breast cancer left me with virtually no libido and the understanding that no sex wasn’t fair to him. We are living separately but still fully married in the technical sense and loving our unconventional marriage. He has any type of relationship he needs and I get the friendship and companionship we built in a 20 year conventional marriage. Recently I broke my leg and he moved in and cared for me lovingly for the 3 months I was seriously laid up. I hope when his time comes to be cared for I am as loving to him. All sorts of relationships are out there if one can overcome those norms we had instilled in us in our formative years. Just getting it now.
Yes, we can support other people with or without certificates, and the certificates sometimes are more problematic...love how this time you are writing your own rules together and the relationship is this beautiful solid thing in your life.
I’m 57, and I’ve been non-monogamous with my spouse of 30+ years the whole time we’ve been together.
Now that I’m nearing retirement in a few months, I’m looking forward to having a bit more time to focus on building some new… idk… might be anything from a casual situationship to relationship, who knows.
I’ve been in other relationships in the past, and my partner has been with her other partner now for… has it been 20 years? Wow.
Not everyone is cut out for close physical intimacy with multiple partners, but it works for us. And it can work out over long periods of time.
Suzanne, I love how clear and direct you are about your needs! I especially appreciate the details that include differences between you and your “handyman” that make sex more exciting and satisfying but could be obstacles to a harmonious domestic arrangement. And all the comments so far are fascinating and endearing in their honesty- “if women told the truth about their lives, the world would crack open” - Kate Millet
Ahhhh, I'm just so fascinated with Suzanne's situationship, I would love to be in one! I'm 67, long divorced and celibate for a number of years now (long story) but feeling the itch to get out, have dinner, then sex or maybe just sex? What I don't want is a full time relationship, maybe simply companionship? I love my sweet in-law-suite that I've decorated to my taste and cherish my early morning views of our wooded lot. I don't know if I could ever have someone sleep over in my bed lol Sex yes, early morning conversation?? Yikes
This is my story also!
I am 70. I've been married three times, and I have survived cancer three times; in both cases the third time was not the charm. I have been divorced now for six months, and I have no desire to marry again. Currently, I live alone. I have not had sex for some time, and I miss it and the warm embrace of a simpatico woman very much. I am open to relationships of all shapes, sizes and stripes. Platonic friendship? Situationship? Fuck buddies? Polyamory? Casual dating? Open to any and all of it. I only require certain, simple ground rules of order, and those are no MAGA, and no Trumpers. Judging by the dating apps I'm on - Match and Hinge - most women seem to see those two things as dealbreakers as well. At this point, I am more open than a 7-11 on meth. The few women that I have met IRL all considered me not their cup of tea. I'm not bad looking, but cancer has taken its toll, but not from the neck up and the waist down.
But I'm open to anything. Maybe I need to look on different dating/sex apps, but not sure which ones.
How do you “make” a relationship more serious than it is? That can only lead to trouble. It is what it is. And we are who we are.
I’m 88 and admit to being a hopeful romantic. Too many Fred and Ginger movies. Now a widower, In my limited experience of octogenarian online dating it’s striking how many women say they are “seeking a serious relationship” but really aren’t because it’s too much work. Too much baggage to unload. So I’m situationalizing my situation.
In my 20's I travelled internationally quite a bit and had sex partners in many different countries. I was very adventurous. At 37 I married and had one son. We had a satisfying sex life and enjoyed monogamy, but divorced after 16 years. At 55 I discovered my true sexual self. I began dating various men on Bumble, Feeld and Hinge. It was exciting, somewhat risky, mostly satisfying. Two beautiful men, 20 years my junior, taught me to have "no shame" and a lot of spontaneous fun. No regrets. Then an STD showed up on a pap smear. I was devastated but managed to find a healthy vaginal flora balance and continued my adventures practicing safe sex. Then I was introduced to the Energetic Blueprints for Pleasure and met my match and current fiancé. He has skills, tools and toys. He loves to please and explore and most importantly, I feel emotionally and physically safe with him. We play a lot and make intimacy a priority in our relationship. I turned "Sexty" last year, and am looking forward to the next decade of monogamy.
I always believed in an “open marriage!”
For myself
Just not for my husband!
😂