For some people, being old just comes naturally. They’ve acted old for years, and they know just what to do. They are the lucky ones—the “old souls,” if you will. For many others, being old just seems weird. They think, Really? How did I get here? What do I wear? How do I navigate this new geography?
This guide is expressly written for those who are bewildered by the face in the mirror and somehow think that 70 qualifies as middle-aged. These people need gentle guidance so that they, too, can enjoy the special perks of being old, beyond the senior discounts. This guide aims to help newcomers fit in with their cohort and enjoy their well-earned privileges.
At 79, I know something about old age, and I’ve compiled the following guidelines hoping they will empower you to enjoy your entitlements.
Your health is vital to you, so it must be important to others as well. People want to hear about your ailments, even the minor ones, as well as all the cures you’ve ever tried. Your every test result is intriguing to your family and friends, so you should discuss the details. Oddly, the health problems of others are of little interest to you, unless they mirror your own.
Sleep is central to your well-being, so when you’re asked, “How did you sleep?” feel free to discourse on the subject at length, including bathroom trips and how long it took each time to fall asleep again. Actually, and this is the beauty part, you don’t even need to be asked!
It’s okay that you make little noises—sighs, groans, byechhh—when you stand up or sit down, even though you’re not in any pain. You don’t really notice this, so you’re surprised when others do.
Your grandchildren are uniquely adorable, and everybody wants to see their pictures. This is fortunate, because you’ve recently curated a collection of Arabella’s 75 best photos, and you’re already removing your phone from your pocket. Don’t be bashful about sharing!
These modern ways of child-rearing by the Millennials are downright comical! But try not to laugh out loud. Baby monitors? Just leave the door open! “Baby-led weaning,” in which an infant feeds itself from an array on the tray? Hilarious, for soon the baby is entirely covered in food! All this emphasis on how the child feels? You, as the grandparent, don’t much care if Liam’s feelings are hurt when he’s told to get back into bed “right this minute!” His parents watch with horror: will he be traumatized for life?
Face it. You’ve disliked change for some time. Learning new things is an affront, especially when the old ways were better. Now, as an old person, you can give full rein to that feeling. You’ll have plenty of company as you inveigh against QR Code menus, self-checkout kiosks, phone trees, and relentless texts reminding you about your next medical appointments. In your lifetime, you’ve played music on 45s, LPs, audiocassettes, 8-tracks, CDs, and Spotify. You’ve seen too many changes to endure any more. Repeat after me: “Just stop. Enough already!”
When facing small challenges or, really, doing anything new, you should cultivate a state of learned helplessness. You just can’t, and you just won’t! The world is conspiring against you, constantly throwing up barriers, demanding that you download the app and provide the password. Just refuse. Shake your head. Throw up your hands. Call for help. An 8-year-old can solve your latest tech problem—so let her! You could probably get that jar open with hot water and a knife, but isn’t it just easier to hand it to somebody else? Why should you decide if a tempting email is a scam when you can just forward it to your son and ask him?
Everything really was better when you were young. Your mind tells you that every generation feels this way (including the Athenians in the Golden Age, 400 years BC), but your heart tells you that this time, you are actually right! You came of age in the Summer of Love, which lasted about a decade. There was joy in the air, and a sense of personal and social freedom. Humankind would progress. Everything would be better! Be sure to talk to your children and grandchildren constantly about what it was like when you were young, and how very much worse things are today.
Embrace your inner curmudgeon! You have every right to be cranky, because many things are difficult, and the news is always appalling. At this point, you’ve had many disappointments, and likely some physical problems as well. There’s no need to mute your general displeasure. Being old is the time to express it fully, forcefully and funnily. (At least you assume your tirades are amusing.)
Boundaries? What are those? Because you’re an elder, you can express yourself freely to everyone at all times, and they will admire your boldness. They know you are wise. So don’t restrain yourself from scolding that pregnant woman smoking a cigarette. Don’t hesitate to tell the cashier she is being rude when you thank her and instead of saying “You’re welcome,” she says “No problem.” (Why should it be a problem?) And don’t be shy about entering the conversations of strangers. After all, strangers are just friends you haven’t met!
Have you become rather forgetful? Keys, glasses, phone. Where are they? Keep them all in your bag, which you will keep in its own special place, especially when you go visiting—although, where is that special place again? You make a detailed shopping list, arranged by supermarket aisle, only to leave the list at home. In conversation, you sometimes can’t find the right word, but luckily the English language is rich, and the almost-right word is there at the ready. You can’t help but admire how well you retrieve it, how smoothly you cover your lapse . . . or so you think.
Your clothing choices will be determined entirely by comfort. In this, you and other old people are in the fashion vanguard. Remember the “little old ladies in tennis shoes”? Well, who wears sneakers now? Only everyone, all the time! Celebrate your preference for flowing clothes in neutral colors. Turns out some of you have been “coastal grandmothers” long before it was a thing. For years you’ve been wearing pants with elastic waistbands or drawstrings, predating and predicting pandemic dressing, when everyone wore sweatpants. Turns out old people are the true fashionistas!
Be prepared: time becomes curiously mutable. You go to the bookstore you went to “just last year,” only to find it’s a pizzeria instead—and they have the nerve to tell you they’ve been there for five years! Conversely, the movie you saw only last week feels like you saw it six months ago. And your grandchild seems to have a birthday every few months.
Although you weren’t competitive in your earlier years, now you often compare yourself to other people your age, usually to their detriment. Laura doesn’t cook any more, but you do! Sarah doesn’t drive at night, but since your cataract operation, you do! Robert doesn’t stay up past 10, but you do! It’s okay—competition is invigorating! The comparisons extend to people you don’t know, even, and especially, the dead. You will find that your reaction to every death is “Older than Me” or “Younger than Me.” (See the New Yorker cartoon by Roz Chast at the top.)
In real life, the younger obituaries are a personal affront. How did these people end up prematurely deceased at the tender ages of 69 and 77? What did they do wrong? Well, you’re not doing it, are you? A little thrill goes through you. No matter how famous and accomplished these people were, you’re alive, and they’re not! Give yourself a hug!
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You can download additional copies of this guide at www.mysilverpride.com. Or have your grandson do it for you.
Catherine Hiller writes the Substack newsletter The Pleasure Principle. Previously she took The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire and wrote “The Weird Surprise of Growing Old.”
Oldster Magazine explores what it means to travel through time in a human body, at every phase of life. It’s a reader-supported publication that pays contributors (like Catherine Hiller!). To support this work, please become a paid subscriber. 🙏 Now through New Year’s, save 20% off annual subscriptions, for life.
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Wait, was this a humorous piece? Drat. I was taking copious notes, thinking I would get ahead of the game.
Hilarious! Thanks for a good laugh on a Monday morning. And for reminding me of all the things I don’t want to do as I age. Although, my daughter and her husband did have their first child this past summer, and I admit to being guilty of taking out my phone to show random people the cutest baby ever born! Wouldn’t you like to see her picture? 😊❤️