"I used to be a bit of a cocky jerk and judgmental asshole, but there’s nothing like a twenty-year heroin habit to knock some of the snot nose out of you. "
“Take it from the oldster himself, “(I just thought about all the sober people reading this and thinking, “This cat needs a meeting bad!” You’re probably right.) - most people come to a 12step program with their tail between their legs, stay a while, possibly work the first 3 of the 12 steps, decide they are in “good enough” shape, and disappear. So be it. A “junkie” no longer active on the streets or flooding emergency departments and court rooms is a very good thing. This nice piece by a decent man was interesting and fun to read. I found little of what 7 of the 12 steps address: spirituality. I am a person in long term recovery, a clergy person, and an author of many books. I was none of those when I entered recovery. I have also conducted countless funerals of people under 30 who had relapsed. I still go to meetings with many of their parents. It is far more than fear, horror, and being “good enough” that keeps me coming back. I go to meetings do that young junkies with collapsed veins, and people either collapsed souls have evidence that sobriety works (if you do the work). I also attend for a dose of “who deflation at depth” that I still need on a daily basis. A slogan in the rooms is, “The only thing you need to know about God is that you’re not it.” My behavior and my life has been transformed. But I remain aware that what works for you, works for you. And what works for me, I shall see. And I strongly feel that the program, especially, perhaps, the newbies, could really benefit from the presence of Tommy. Peace Whenever Possible, Dwight Lee Wolter.
yeah that's what works for me - sure I've been around the rooms for a while, but when a newcomer walks in, her face all saggy and bloated, no eye contact, and one year later she's emerged beautiful, brilliant, shining, clear, and reaching out to help others - that's the miracle.
Self-loathing is the pits, and what got me out of it besides 44 years of sobriety was a lot of psychotherapy so I could finally feel what it's like to know that I have intrinsic value!
yeah, the self-loathing. Must be part of addiction and recovery, huh. I just take a long walk, toss it up into the forest, and ask my ancestors to take it for me. Or, as Pema Chodron teaches, I label it "thinking."
I resonated with that too, Jean. That's what my husband and I do - pick the ingredients and then prepare the meal from scratch, our kitchen dance. After 26 years together, we still light the candles too.
I’m not writing this for pity. I’m writing it because I’m still here. Because some mornings I wake up and it feels like a miracle. Because every little piece of progress matters, even if it’s just sitting through a craving or saying “no” one more time than I said “yes.” Because even when I fall—especially when I fall—I’m learning how to stand up again. Progress is progress….
I liked that you eventually got clean because "Some part of me wanted to live a life of hope and light." That's the biggest part of sobriety for me. I do agree with "the cats" who would say not a bad idea to keep going to meetings. After 43 years clean and sober, 50 since my first meeting, so it took awhile for me, too, I find that a small awesome meeting of like-minded souls, old-timers and newcomers who get to hear our message, is giving me yet another renewal. Especially in the current fucked up times.
This was a great read. Despite my own addiction taking place in a very different sphere, I could relate to many of your experiences.
If I may also offer an additional component (one that helped me finally overcome my 12 year battle)…
Understanding what had actually “broken” in my brain (or rather, what had been maladaptively learned) was what allowed me to finally overcome it. (I kind of reverse engineered my recovery.) I wrote about it here if you’re curious:
Brilliant piece. The detail about the punctured duodenum during emergency surgery really captures somethingabout how physical breakdown can become a weird kind of reset button. When I worked in an ER a few years back, I saw how bodies somtimes force what minds resist. The way the story moves from that literal wound to talking about emotional openness feels earned, not preachy or forced at all.
“Take it from the oldster himself, “(I just thought about all the sober people reading this and thinking, “This cat needs a meeting bad!” You’re probably right.) - most people come to a 12step program with their tail between their legs, stay a while, possibly work the first 3 of the 12 steps, decide they are in “good enough” shape, and disappear. So be it. A “junkie” no longer active on the streets or flooding emergency departments and court rooms is a very good thing. This nice piece by a decent man was interesting and fun to read. I found little of what 7 of the 12 steps address: spirituality. I am a person in long term recovery, a clergy person, and an author of many books. I was none of those when I entered recovery. I have also conducted countless funerals of people under 30 who had relapsed. I still go to meetings with many of their parents. It is far more than fear, horror, and being “good enough” that keeps me coming back. I go to meetings do that young junkies with collapsed veins, and people either collapsed souls have evidence that sobriety works (if you do the work). I also attend for a dose of “who deflation at depth” that I still need on a daily basis. A slogan in the rooms is, “The only thing you need to know about God is that you’re not it.” My behavior and my life has been transformed. But I remain aware that what works for you, works for you. And what works for me, I shall see. And I strongly feel that the program, especially, perhaps, the newbies, could really benefit from the presence of Tommy. Peace Whenever Possible, Dwight Lee Wolter.
Well said, Dwight. Thanks for chiming in.
yeah that's what works for me - sure I've been around the rooms for a while, but when a newcomer walks in, her face all saggy and bloated, no eye contact, and one year later she's emerged beautiful, brilliant, shining, clear, and reaching out to help others - that's the miracle.
Yes!
An incredible story of physical and mental survival.
Self-loathing is the cheapest high around. We’re all on it for things we did and things we didn’t do. And it’s totally legal in every State.
At 63 you still have time to lighten up on that. That’s the good news.
Self-loathing is the pits, and what got me out of it besides 44 years of sobriety was a lot of psychotherapy so I could finally feel what it's like to know that I have intrinsic value!
yeah, the self-loathing. Must be part of addiction and recovery, huh. I just take a long walk, toss it up into the forest, and ask my ancestors to take it for me. Or, as Pema Chodron teaches, I label it "thinking."
HELLO. Thank you...physical and mental health are the best addictions is a paradox I think I can live with.
Tommy raises a cool point leading to a great question regarding our writing;
does it "...take the lead of our addiction and turn it into the gold of story-telling." ?
Tommy's so wise, honest, and funny. I'm always quick to read anything with his name on it, and as always, this delivered.
100%. I love his writing.
Meant to say “ego deflation at depth” not “who deflation.”
Yes, I got that.
Somehow picturing you picking your ingredients consciously and then going home to prepare them is the serenity prayer at work.
I resonated with that too, Jean. That's what my husband and I do - pick the ingredients and then prepare the meal from scratch, our kitchen dance. After 26 years together, we still light the candles too.
What a lovely ritual, Kirie.
I’m not writing this for pity. I’m writing it because I’m still here. Because some mornings I wake up and it feels like a miracle. Because every little piece of progress matters, even if it’s just sitting through a craving or saying “no” one more time than I said “yes.” Because even when I fall—especially when I fall—I’m learning how to stand up again. Progress is progress….
I liked that you eventually got clean because "Some part of me wanted to live a life of hope and light." That's the biggest part of sobriety for me. I do agree with "the cats" who would say not a bad idea to keep going to meetings. After 43 years clean and sober, 50 since my first meeting, so it took awhile for me, too, I find that a small awesome meeting of like-minded souls, old-timers and newcomers who get to hear our message, is giving me yet another renewal. Especially in the current fucked up times.
This was a great read. Despite my own addiction taking place in a very different sphere, I could relate to many of your experiences.
If I may also offer an additional component (one that helped me finally overcome my 12 year battle)…
Understanding what had actually “broken” in my brain (or rather, what had been maladaptively learned) was what allowed me to finally overcome it. (I kind of reverse engineered my recovery.) I wrote about it here if you’re curious:
https://thisisyourbrainon.substack.com/p/from-addiction-to-agency
Sending strength to all.
Where are the folks inside or outside of AA who helped you? Ask them why. You’ll find what’s missing in your sober life. 🇨🇦
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
Hiw addiction starts
Addiction begins whith the hope that something 'out there' can instantly fill up the emptiness inside.
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
How it ends
You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great
Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.
—Kilbourne | Landers | Zigler | Churchill | Stevenson
Brilliant piece. The detail about the punctured duodenum during emergency surgery really captures somethingabout how physical breakdown can become a weird kind of reset button. When I worked in an ER a few years back, I saw how bodies somtimes force what minds resist. The way the story moves from that literal wound to talking about emotional openness feels earned, not preachy or forced at all.