Ask a Sober Oldster #24: Margaret Cho
"I was definitely born with the 'need.' That urge to put something between me and living."
This monthly interview series is a collaboration between Oldster Magazine and The Small Bow, A.J. Daulerio’s excellent newsletter about recovery and mental health, and will appear in both newsletters. Learn more about this collaboration in this Oldster podcast/videocast episode.
Comedian. Actor. Musician. Advocate. Entrepreneur. Five-time Grammy and Emmy nominee. Margaret Cho’s strong voice has been lighting the path for other women, other members of underrepresented groups, other performers, to follow.
Her recent television & movie roles include “Erin” in HULU’s smash Fire Island, guest starring on the Ryan Murphy hit Doctor Odyssey, The Flight Attendant (HBO Max), Hacks (HBO Max) and two Netflix is a Joke comedy specials including Outstanding: A Comedy Revolution. Margaret’s latest film, All That We Love, premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival, earning Margaret rave reviews, and she is set to star as “Wasp,” one of the “Gray Sisters” in Season 2 of Disney’s Percy Jackson and the Olympians as well as in Gregg Araki’s movie thriller I Want Your Sex.
As a comedian Margaret has been named one of Rolling Stone magazine's 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, one of Vogue magazine’s Top 9 Female Comedians of all time, while CNN chose her as one of the 50 People Who Changed American Comedy. Thankfully, Margaret has more stories to tell, and her production company, Animal Family Productions, has multiple scripted shows in development for 2022 and beyond.
Check out Margaret’s new record, Lucky Gift. Catch her on her Live & Livid Comedy Tour.
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How old are you, and how long have you been in recovery?
I am 56 and I have been in recovery on and off for about 29 years. Right now I’m on and I hope to stay on, but it’s never guaranteed. I’m working really hard at it though. I think it’s sticking.
How did you get there?
It was really unavoidable. I was definitely born with the “need.” That urge to put something between me and living. It’s like “How do you expect me to live without something between me and life?” I still have that feeling, but I’m able to put a lot of things between me and life now, which is my meditation, my writing, my support system. I have a lot of friends who are doing the same thing, so it helps.
What are the best things about being in recovery?
The friends I have made—absolutely the best. They have saved my life and continue to do so daily. We save each other. Also, I just have a good time mostly. Like, I’m a pretty happy person most of the time, which is a miracle because I’m the most cynical, dour, depressed sad sack in my natural state.
It’s like “How do you expect me to live without something between me and life?” I still have that feeling, but I’m able to put a lot of things between me and life now, which is my meditation, my writing, my support system. I have a lot of friends who are doing the same thing, so it helps.
What’s hard about being in recovery?
Dealing with disappointment. That I think is the worst thing, because any strong emotion just makes me want to disappear—especially if I perceive that I’m not getting something I want, like a job or a relationship. I have a hard time with “not having.” Then it’s impossible to see what I do have right in front of me.
How has your character changed? What's better about you?
I am just willing to roll with it—whatever “it” is. That is a miraculous state of mind, when you can achieve it. I’m naturally such a controlling person. I want to know the outcome, and that affects me so much that I have a hard time watching thrillers or mysteries or whatever suspense anything. It just kills me.
What do you still need to work on? What “character defects” do you still wrestle with?
Greed. I think if it’s good then I just want more, and then it turns into “I’m not going to get enough,” etc. I think that comes from perceiving that everything is lacking. That I am not enough, so everything that I get that might be good has to compensate for that in sheer volume.
Dealing with disappointment is the worst thing, because any strong emotion just makes me want to disappear—especially if I perceive that I’m not getting something I want, like a job or a relationship. I have a hard time with “not having.” Then it’s impossible to see what I do have right in front of me.
What’s the best recovery memoir you’ve ever read? Tell us what you liked about it.
There’s so many!! I think addiction books/films/tv shows are the most exciting because I get it. I get it so hard. I’ve been there. I know it so well. The best one recently was Matthew Perry’s Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing. Unfortunately, that story did not have a good ending. But it’s what happens to us. I think what I appreciate about that book is that he was still in the struggle, but also starting to get free of it. Addiction is such a beast. We are never safe. Amy Dresner’s My Fair Junkie: A Memoir of Getting Dirty and Staying Clean is fantastic too.
The very best depiction of addiction is in the documentary One Year in a Life of Crime: America Undercover. It’s actually a series where they follow three addicts for decades, and it’s absolutely shattering. You fall in love with them and you get high with them and you get sick with them and you’re cheering them on in recovery and you’re relapsing with them, and you die with them. It’s the most real document of this affliction that exists. It’s like slipping into our skin.
What are some memorable sober moments?
Really every day. Taking care of my beautiful cats and my dog. Also, when I’m sober I feel like I’m super sensitive and somewhat psychic. I read Richard Rushfield’s palm and saw his wife and two kids. And now he has a wife and two kids!
But what is most memorable is the peace I feel almost every day. Almost every moment. It’s pretty cool.
When I’m sober I feel like I’m super sensitive and somewhat psychic. I read Richard Rushfield’s palm and saw his wife and two kids. And now he has a wife and two kids! But what is most memorable is the peace I feel almost every day. Almost every moment. It’s pretty cool.
Are you in therapy? On meds? Tell us about that.
I have been in and out of therapy this entire time, and tried different meds. Currently I’m not doing anything like that, but I’m always open to it. It’s never worked for me exactly, but it could at some point.
Check out the video for “Funny Man,” a song from Margaret Cho’s latest record, Lucky Gift, written as a tribute to Robin Williams:
What sort of activities or groups do you participate in to help your recovery? (i.e. swimming, 12-step, meditation, et cetera)
I write a joke every day the second I get up. It doesn’t have to be good or funny or usable, but it just gets my mind going in the right direction. I have a strong meditation practice that is extremely important. It’s been building up over time, and that has really helped me. I have some spiritual readings I do, which change over time, but also kind of remain the same. I talk to other alcoholics and addicts daily, multiple times a day. I do a lot of service in my recovery community. I try to be in gratitude every moment because I should be dead so many times over. The way I drink is I like to get fully plastered on two to three bottles of wine, then take a lot of opioids and benzodiazepines, then get into my car and drive to a violent man’s house. I should be so dead so many ways, but I’m not yet, so I’m very grateful for that.
I loved the way she put all of this: “How do you expect me to live without something between me and life?” I still have that feeling, but I’m able to put a lot of things between me and life now, which is my meditation, my writing, my support system. I have a lot of friends who are doing the same thing, so it helps. Thanks for sharing this! :)
Loved this. As always, thanks to Margaret Cho for being so totally no bullshit. (And thanks, Sari, too!)