In which I inadvertently discover that at almost 60 I can still "get It" despite what the culture (and some exes) would have me believe. Random thoughts on older women + younger men, and vice versa.
At 44 I met a man I’ve been talking/flirting with for over a year on Twitter. The attraction was instantaneous but…he was 29. A 15 year age difference especially at those life points seemed insurmountable.
I thought he’d want babies (I did not and could not). I thought he’d want a woman his age. I figured it would be a fling. Five months later we were still dating. When I said, “I guess we’re in a relationship”, he casually replied with a smile, “We have been for five months.”
13 years later we’re still together, married for 7. I do worry about being a burden to him as I age. Still, it’s the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.
Suzan, my story is similar! Met my now husband when I was 43 and he was 33. I dropped the "Do you want kids?" question early on and he said no...so, meanwhile, I'm now almost 60 and he's 50. We've been together for 16 years and married for almost 10. :-)
Wonderful piece. It's not just the ageist bias we encounter; it's also the ageist bias we bring to the party. And the Sam Sheppard story and the girl on the bus is a reminder: Be careful what you say in public. A writer may be sitting next to you.
I’m glad you left it in. it made the point. everyone judges. and who, if anyone, was exploiting who? And maybe — one hopes — they both had a pretty good time.
The young woman is going to dine out on that story for the rest of her life. I know. It was not with Sheppard but similar. Fame aside, a woman hooking up with someone old enough to be her grandfather should expect to see an aged body, compared to hers.
This was a helpful read today. I'm 61 and have found myself more and more in the company of much younger men. Yesterday I googled a man who has been asking me out and was horrified to learn that he's 49. Previously, I was in a relationship with a man 7 years my junior who said that the only negative in his attraction to me was my age, pointing out that when he was 73, I'd be 80. I said, "You're a smoker. When I'm 80, you'll be dead."
Ah, I related to your essay so much, Sari. My husband is turning 50 in November and I am turning 60 in December (it should be noted that my husband is half Chinese and will look like a smooth-faced baby Buddha forever). My internalized ageism and sexism is in overdrive at the moment. When we were dating, my girl "friends" were the worst, saying stuff like, "What did you do to get someone like him?!" I used a stun gun, I'd reply. My mother asked, "Who do you think you are? Demi Moore?" My husband and I were dating when Demi married Ashton Kutcher and the word Cougar took on new meaning. Even after 20 years together, I sometimes wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. My husband thinks I'm ridiculous, of course. Aging is hard enough but I think it's especially hard for women. I have a 14-year-old son and almost weekly, someone--always a woman--will ask if I'm his grandmother.
I totally relate with you about the things people say when you're older. I love your stun guy reply. My husband is 15 years younger than me. People say things to me like "Oh wow. Good for you." like I'm lucky. It used to bother me. Now when I'm feeling a little salty I respond with a smile, "Actually good for him. He landed a mature woman with a great income." People usually smile and sometimes blush just a little bit when they realize how their comment came across. It doesn't curb all of my concerns about aging with a (much) younger husband but it helps a little bit.
Ugh, I forgot about those "Good for you" comments. I would respond with the same salty response. I'm glad that my husband could give a shit but it still gets to me. But it's getting better.
Love this, Sari!! It doesn’t surprise me at all that the young guy hit on you. Your exes were idiots.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I met my husband when I was 36 and he was 24. I thought he was older; he knew exactly how old I was (he worked in the bank where I had an account and looked me up). When our fling turned into more, the ageist brigade invaded (are you crazy, he’ll leave you when you when you hit 40, etc., etc). Friends said it and I thought it. But my intuition said otherwise.
This is so great to read, Leanna. And I got to see the two of you together in person last year, and it's so nice to see such a happy pairing—of any ages. <3
Love this! Sari, I’m not at all surprised he tried to get your number! You’re amazing, cool, smart, and hot! I’m 53 and date lots of people who are 29-35 (I’m queer/bi/pan and I mostly date cis men lately because they’re the ones who tend to find me on the apps). I’m also poly and have one partner who is my age and bi. I joke with my friends that I’m really trending with the 29-year-olds. They want older women because we’re smart and sexy, and have our lives somewhat together. They value our experiences and want to learn from us. I’ve dated younger women and nb folks too. I try to think of age the way I think of gender (like it’s very much about the person for me). If anyone sometimes gets hung up on age, it’s me. Our culture tells relentlessly tells women of all ages that we’re too old, but it’s especially bad when you hit 50 I’ve found. If I never see an add for dealing with my “menopause apron” it will be too soon. We see it even in progressive shows like Too Much, which I mostly loved. But when Felix cheats on Jessica with an older woman, Jessica is disgusted not only by the cheating but that she’s older. Felix rightly keeps asserting that the woman is hot (and she is! It’s one of the actresses from AbFab). The show also shoots the sex scene as kind of ridiculous (there’s a really dumb Spanx joke and we’re meant to read the whole thing as a bit sad). I also find that younger people are better communicators, have fewer hang-ups about my sexuality and motherhood, and share my love of direct communication, which many people my own age are actually not good at.
Lastly, when mainstream culture makes us feel like undateable old hags, it’s just another way to take away our power and keep us quiet! I obvs feel strongly about all of this and should probably write an essay about it lol. Thank you for writing about it! Lastly, I also think it serves to keep women in marriages that make them very unhappy. Like, oh, I’m too old to date, no one will want me.
Yes to all of this, Carley. How great that you've (mostly) over-ridden the toxic noise about older women and gone toward what you want. I know so many women who have stayed in miserable marriages because of the assumption that no one else will want them. Time to break free of that cultural messaging.
I think it's great that the younger man/older woman dynamic is so common these days, and not seen as simply a "fetish" or what have you. But personally, at 52 years old, I have ZERO interest in teaching a young man anything, lol. Sounds EXHAUSTING! I prefer being free, single and happy. But again, to each their own.
Oh how I love this piece!! So many things I want to say - you are an incredible writer. I was on the edge of my seat (ok my chaise lounge) trying so hard not to skip ahead to see what happened with the nice vegan. The stories laced in between were so compelling. I really wish you lived closer to me because I want to go out to lunch with you. And swap stories. Sigh. I’ll just enjoy reading here. More more more, please!
I should add, as others have here, that I too married a younger man. He was 41 and I was 44 when we met, in the bookstore I owned. We married less than 2 years later. Our 15th wedding anniversary is in September. I sometimes can’t believe he is still I his 50s! 58 vs 62 seems like a lot sometimes. He was the best boyfriend and only husband I’ve ever had!
I met my husband when he was 21 and I was 34. We are now 43 and 56. I think it worked because I never saw the relationship as long term so I didn't self-sabotage and didn't feel pressure about deciding if he was “the one.” Like any long-term relationship it has it’s ups and downs and there are points at which the age difference feels huge and points at which it disappears. In the end, it’s just another rock in the stream.
Excellent essay! I'm working on an essay about "Why I'm Done Dating Younger Men." I'm your age and my current bf is 12 years younger. I used to be able to rock that over-a-decade distance, but for the first time, bridging the gap feels like work. I want the peace of being with someone who's also ready for the last, adventurous stage of life. It's a bittersweet feeling, for me, a kind of surrender. Thank you.
That sounds like a great essay topic, Joelle. I hear you about how much work that can be. Good luck with the piece and the search for the right partner for you.
Loved this. I met my husband at 16 and married (pregnant) at 18. At 73 (in 3 months) and 6 kids later, he is still the love of my life. We act like we’re still 18 and 19. Young love keeps us young. Reading this was a fun look into what dating as one ages is like.
Loved this! Was shocked that the wee babe was 27. A little lamb! Also I am convinced that all that “men won’t find you attractive when you’re older” stuff is balderdash. For better and sometimes for worse 😂
I have discussed this trend of younger men/older women with some men who still just can't let go of their massive misogyny and ageism. "Oh, yeah, young men just want to use older women for easy sex because they know they are lonely and desperate. They'll have sex with you, but they won't have a RELATIONSHIP with you! Older women dating younger men have no respect for themselves." Some men just CANNOT accept the reality -- I think it honestly makes them feel less secure in their "silver foxiness" or what have you. They don't want an equal playing field in this category.
That’s how they fool ya! Last couple of guys I dated were around 30 but I thought were much older. Well, okay, for one of them it was the receding hairline…
Also, a much finer man than that idiot you dated, said to me once when I was lamenting someday getting older (I must’ve been 30, oy) — when I said “What am I going to look like as an older woman? Is anyone going to find me attractive anymore?” He laughed and replied, with mild humor and lots of assurance: “I tell you what you’re going to be. You’re going to be a beautiful *older* woman.” Like, d’oy. I never forgot that.
I love this piece, for your honesty and perspective. I'm the younger man in our relationship, as my wife is 15 years older. When we first met, she told me that I was too young. It's been over 30 years we've been together and that's one of the few times she's been wrong! (We have gone through a lot of challenges together because of that age difference, and there are also race and culture differences, too.) Still, life together keeps getting better.
Sari I loved every word of this! Every single story you shared and these snippets of conversation with your 27-yr-old dining partner (of course he was flirting with you😉). At age 65 I am about to venture into the badlands of dating for the first time in 36 years, three years after I ended my 33-marriage. You remind me to let go of my inner ageism and just have fun; age differences be damned! Thanks, Sari. We’ll see what my new life in Barcelona has in store for me on the dating front (she says nervously but mostly with excitement). 60 dates in 9 months? Don’t know about that but I’ll see 😀
Kathy Griffin just wrote an essay on Substack about dating a much younger man. I'll admit it took me aback, as she is just a little bit older than me, and the man was 23. Which is my son's age. And I love my son, but he's not emotionally ready to be dating someone his mother's age. But clearly this man was. Anyway, it was a lovely essay and Kathy (and you, Sari) deserve to be happy.
And I know you know this, but you are gorgeous in every picture you posted.
I love this essay! Not only the delightfully riveting content but the form. The way you seamlessly go from present to past. It's masterfully constructed and a compelling to read.
I'll be 75 in a month and a 31 year old man hit on me a few weeks ago while we walked along a train in the woods, talking. I didn't realize I'd been flirting with him until that happened. And then I realized I often flirt with younger men without calling it that. It's fun, and safe because I'd assumed nothing would ever come of it. I did not take this younger man up on getting together again. Call me shut down or call me wise. I'm probably both. Relationships take work and the kind of energy these days I like to keep for myself.
“Relationships take work and the kind of energy these days I like to keep for myself.”
So well put! Thank you.
Some people call a fun day out a mental health day. It occurs to me that it’s also taking myself out on a date! Treating myself better than anyone else would.
I do feel like I need a better relationship to my inner conflicting ideas before becoming distracted by someone else’s endless needs. Even a pet. It gets easier every time and I hope it sticks.
Thank you, Bev! Means a lot especially coming from you!!! <3 And that is so cool, and I love the idea that flirting with younger men is low-stakes fun, with no consequences or more effort required.
At 44 I met a man I’ve been talking/flirting with for over a year on Twitter. The attraction was instantaneous but…he was 29. A 15 year age difference especially at those life points seemed insurmountable.
I thought he’d want babies (I did not and could not). I thought he’d want a woman his age. I figured it would be a fling. Five months later we were still dating. When I said, “I guess we’re in a relationship”, he casually replied with a smile, “We have been for five months.”
13 years later we’re still together, married for 7. I do worry about being a burden to him as I age. Still, it’s the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.
Suzan, my story is similar! Met my now husband when I was 43 and he was 33. I dropped the "Do you want kids?" question early on and he said no...so, meanwhile, I'm now almost 60 and he's 50. We've been together for 16 years and married for almost 10. :-)
OMG I love that!
Inspiring! Thanks for sharing this, Suzan.
I love this. So happy for you!
Wonderful piece. It's not just the ageist bias we encounter; it's also the ageist bias we bring to the party. And the Sam Sheppard story and the girl on the bus is a reminder: Be careful what you say in public. A writer may be sitting next to you.
Thank you, Joyce!! And I debated whether to make that a blind item, but ultimately it felt important not to.
I’m glad you left it in. it made the point. everyone judges. and who, if anyone, was exploiting who? And maybe — one hopes — they both had a pretty good time.
Agree! Crepe-y skin and all! Thanks, Joyce. <3
The young woman is going to dine out on that story for the rest of her life. I know. It was not with Sheppard but similar. Fame aside, a woman hooking up with someone old enough to be her grandfather should expect to see an aged body, compared to hers.
100%
>>Be careful what you say in public. A writer may be sitting next to you.
Ain't THAT the truth, Joyce!
This was a helpful read today. I'm 61 and have found myself more and more in the company of much younger men. Yesterday I googled a man who has been asking me out and was horrified to learn that he's 49. Previously, I was in a relationship with a man 7 years my junior who said that the only negative in his attraction to me was my age, pointing out that when he was 73, I'd be 80. I said, "You're a smoker. When I'm 80, you'll be dead."
What a great retort! And what’s the point of dating an older woman if you’re only going to make her feel bad about her age???
Right on!
Ah, I related to your essay so much, Sari. My husband is turning 50 in November and I am turning 60 in December (it should be noted that my husband is half Chinese and will look like a smooth-faced baby Buddha forever). My internalized ageism and sexism is in overdrive at the moment. When we were dating, my girl "friends" were the worst, saying stuff like, "What did you do to get someone like him?!" I used a stun gun, I'd reply. My mother asked, "Who do you think you are? Demi Moore?" My husband and I were dating when Demi married Ashton Kutcher and the word Cougar took on new meaning. Even after 20 years together, I sometimes wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. My husband thinks I'm ridiculous, of course. Aging is hard enough but I think it's especially hard for women. I have a 14-year-old son and almost weekly, someone--always a woman--will ask if I'm his grandmother.
Thanks for all this, Cathy. And for making me laugh with this: "'What did you do to get someone like him?!' I used a stun gun, I'd reply."
I totally relate with you about the things people say when you're older. I love your stun guy reply. My husband is 15 years younger than me. People say things to me like "Oh wow. Good for you." like I'm lucky. It used to bother me. Now when I'm feeling a little salty I respond with a smile, "Actually good for him. He landed a mature woman with a great income." People usually smile and sometimes blush just a little bit when they realize how their comment came across. It doesn't curb all of my concerns about aging with a (much) younger husband but it helps a little bit.
Ugh, I forgot about those "Good for you" comments. I would respond with the same salty response. I'm glad that my husband could give a shit but it still gets to me. But it's getting better.
“I used a stun gun” is brilliant. I’ve been known to tell people that I caught my five years younger (and gorgeous) husband in a bear trap.
AHAHAHA, that is an awesome comeback. Why are people so endlessly clueless?
Love this, Sari!! It doesn’t surprise me at all that the young guy hit on you. Your exes were idiots.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I met my husband when I was 36 and he was 24. I thought he was older; he knew exactly how old I was (he worked in the bank where I had an account and looked me up). When our fling turned into more, the ageist brigade invaded (are you crazy, he’ll leave you when you when you hit 40, etc., etc). Friends said it and I thought it. But my intuition said otherwise.
31 years later, here we are :-)
This is so great to read, Leanna. And I got to see the two of you together in person last year, and it's so nice to see such a happy pairing—of any ages. <3
Love this! Sari, I’m not at all surprised he tried to get your number! You’re amazing, cool, smart, and hot! I’m 53 and date lots of people who are 29-35 (I’m queer/bi/pan and I mostly date cis men lately because they’re the ones who tend to find me on the apps). I’m also poly and have one partner who is my age and bi. I joke with my friends that I’m really trending with the 29-year-olds. They want older women because we’re smart and sexy, and have our lives somewhat together. They value our experiences and want to learn from us. I’ve dated younger women and nb folks too. I try to think of age the way I think of gender (like it’s very much about the person for me). If anyone sometimes gets hung up on age, it’s me. Our culture tells relentlessly tells women of all ages that we’re too old, but it’s especially bad when you hit 50 I’ve found. If I never see an add for dealing with my “menopause apron” it will be too soon. We see it even in progressive shows like Too Much, which I mostly loved. But when Felix cheats on Jessica with an older woman, Jessica is disgusted not only by the cheating but that she’s older. Felix rightly keeps asserting that the woman is hot (and she is! It’s one of the actresses from AbFab). The show also shoots the sex scene as kind of ridiculous (there’s a really dumb Spanx joke and we’re meant to read the whole thing as a bit sad). I also find that younger people are better communicators, have fewer hang-ups about my sexuality and motherhood, and share my love of direct communication, which many people my own age are actually not good at.
Lastly, when mainstream culture makes us feel like undateable old hags, it’s just another way to take away our power and keep us quiet! I obvs feel strongly about all of this and should probably write an essay about it lol. Thank you for writing about it! Lastly, I also think it serves to keep women in marriages that make them very unhappy. Like, oh, I’m too old to date, no one will want me.
Yes to all of this, Carley. How great that you've (mostly) over-ridden the toxic noise about older women and gone toward what you want. I know so many women who have stayed in miserable marriages because of the assumption that no one else will want them. Time to break free of that cultural messaging.
I think it's great that the younger man/older woman dynamic is so common these days, and not seen as simply a "fetish" or what have you. But personally, at 52 years old, I have ZERO interest in teaching a young man anything, lol. Sounds EXHAUSTING! I prefer being free, single and happy. But again, to each their own.
Oh how I love this piece!! So many things I want to say - you are an incredible writer. I was on the edge of my seat (ok my chaise lounge) trying so hard not to skip ahead to see what happened with the nice vegan. The stories laced in between were so compelling. I really wish you lived closer to me because I want to go out to lunch with you. And swap stories. Sigh. I’ll just enjoy reading here. More more more, please!
Thanks so much, Susan! Your kind words mean a lot to me. Some day when we're in the same place at the same time we'll get lunch!
I should add, as others have here, that I too married a younger man. He was 41 and I was 44 when we met, in the bookstore I owned. We married less than 2 years later. Our 15th wedding anniversary is in September. I sometimes can’t believe he is still I his 50s! 58 vs 62 seems like a lot sometimes. He was the best boyfriend and only husband I’ve ever had!
Thanks for adding that! Love it.
Jesus, Sari, this is a phenomenal piece.
Karen, thank you! Means a lot to me. Can’t wait for your new book!
I met my husband when he was 21 and I was 34. We are now 43 and 56. I think it worked because I never saw the relationship as long term so I didn't self-sabotage and didn't feel pressure about deciding if he was “the one.” Like any long-term relationship it has it’s ups and downs and there are points at which the age difference feels huge and points at which it disappears. In the end, it’s just another rock in the stream.
Deidre, I love this. Thank you for telling me. And how lovely for you and your husband. <3
Excellent essay! I'm working on an essay about "Why I'm Done Dating Younger Men." I'm your age and my current bf is 12 years younger. I used to be able to rock that over-a-decade distance, but for the first time, bridging the gap feels like work. I want the peace of being with someone who's also ready for the last, adventurous stage of life. It's a bittersweet feeling, for me, a kind of surrender. Thank you.
That sounds like a great essay topic, Joelle. I hear you about how much work that can be. Good luck with the piece and the search for the right partner for you.
Thanks, Sari!
Loved this. I met my husband at 16 and married (pregnant) at 18. At 73 (in 3 months) and 6 kids later, he is still the love of my life. We act like we’re still 18 and 19. Young love keeps us young. Reading this was a fun look into what dating as one ages is like.
Very sweet.
Loved this! Was shocked that the wee babe was 27. A little lamb! Also I am convinced that all that “men won’t find you attractive when you’re older” stuff is balderdash. For better and sometimes for worse 😂
I was shocked, too! He looked older, and carried himself in a mature way.
I have discussed this trend of younger men/older women with some men who still just can't let go of their massive misogyny and ageism. "Oh, yeah, young men just want to use older women for easy sex because they know they are lonely and desperate. They'll have sex with you, but they won't have a RELATIONSHIP with you! Older women dating younger men have no respect for themselves." Some men just CANNOT accept the reality -- I think it honestly makes them feel less secure in their "silver foxiness" or what have you. They don't want an equal playing field in this category.
That’s how they fool ya! Last couple of guys I dated were around 30 but I thought were much older. Well, okay, for one of them it was the receding hairline…
Also, a much finer man than that idiot you dated, said to me once when I was lamenting someday getting older (I must’ve been 30, oy) — when I said “What am I going to look like as an older woman? Is anyone going to find me attractive anymore?” He laughed and replied, with mild humor and lots of assurance: “I tell you what you’re going to be. You’re going to be a beautiful *older* woman.” Like, d’oy. I never forgot that.
Wow. I love to hear this.
I love this piece, for your honesty and perspective. I'm the younger man in our relationship, as my wife is 15 years older. When we first met, she told me that I was too young. It's been over 30 years we've been together and that's one of the few times she's been wrong! (We have gone through a lot of challenges together because of that age difference, and there are also race and culture differences, too.) Still, life together keeps getting better.
How lovely! Thanks for sharing that, Corey.
Sari I loved every word of this! Every single story you shared and these snippets of conversation with your 27-yr-old dining partner (of course he was flirting with you😉). At age 65 I am about to venture into the badlands of dating for the first time in 36 years, three years after I ended my 33-marriage. You remind me to let go of my inner ageism and just have fun; age differences be damned! Thanks, Sari. We’ll see what my new life in Barcelona has in store for me on the dating front (she says nervously but mostly with excitement). 60 dates in 9 months? Don’t know about that but I’ll see 😀
It was lots of short dates—a coffee here, a drink there. A lot of “nope, next.” Barcelona!! How nice. Good luck on your new dating journey, Amy. :)
Thanks Sari; many of mine may be short & sweet; we shall see.😀
Good for you, Amy! Enjoy this adventure in Barcelona!
Kathy Griffin just wrote an essay on Substack about dating a much younger man. I'll admit it took me aback, as she is just a little bit older than me, and the man was 23. Which is my son's age. And I love my son, but he's not emotionally ready to be dating someone his mother's age. But clearly this man was. Anyway, it was a lovely essay and Kathy (and you, Sari) deserve to be happy.
And I know you know this, but you are gorgeous in every picture you posted.
I just saw Kathy's piece and sent her a DM thanking her for it! And thank you for all of your kind words, Pam. <3
Kathy's piece is GRRREAT
I love this essay! Not only the delightfully riveting content but the form. The way you seamlessly go from present to past. It's masterfully constructed and a compelling to read.
I'll be 75 in a month and a 31 year old man hit on me a few weeks ago while we walked along a train in the woods, talking. I didn't realize I'd been flirting with him until that happened. And then I realized I often flirt with younger men without calling it that. It's fun, and safe because I'd assumed nothing would ever come of it. I did not take this younger man up on getting together again. Call me shut down or call me wise. I'm probably both. Relationships take work and the kind of energy these days I like to keep for myself.
“Relationships take work and the kind of energy these days I like to keep for myself.”
So well put! Thank you.
Some people call a fun day out a mental health day. It occurs to me that it’s also taking myself out on a date! Treating myself better than anyone else would.
I do feel like I need a better relationship to my inner conflicting ideas before becoming distracted by someone else’s endless needs. Even a pet. It gets easier every time and I hope it sticks.
I hear you!
Thank you, Bev! Means a lot especially coming from you!!! <3 And that is so cool, and I love the idea that flirting with younger men is low-stakes fun, with no consequences or more effort required.